The Primary System Explained part two: The Republicans

I rambled on at length explaining the primary system in my post about the Democrats, so on the Republican side I'll just confine myself to explaining the candidates and aspects of the upcoming primaries particular to the Republican Party, who have some different caucus dates and different approaches to punishing states for early primaries. I'm also ignoring Duncan Hunter because I don't have the slightest clue who he is, as well as professional sacrificial lamb Alan Keyes.

The Candidates:

Mitt Romney: former Governor of Massacheusetts Signature Moves: lightning bolt, teleport Fatality: Electrocution

Edgy for being a Masshole, a Mormon, and a Republican, in addition to serving one term as governor of Massacheusetts, Romney was CEO of the Salt Lake Olympics, and is apparently also from Michigan. I think his plan is to win the nomination by virtue of being from everywhere.

Mike Huckabee: former Governor of Arkansas

Signature Move: flying kick Fatality: Dragon

A strong showing in Iowa set up this showdown between Romney and Huckabee as the "change" candidates for the Republicans. He's also the devoutly Christian candidate, which hasn't played as well in later primaries. I honestly haven't been paying that much attention to Huckabee, since the whole constant reference to Jesus thing hasn't worked out too well in American politics. If he can't keep something going, he may fade back into the margins as the Christian conservative candidate.

John McCain: Senator from Arizona

Signature Move: ice ball
Fatality: spine rip

Because of the debilitating injuries he suffered in a POW camp during the Vietnam War, John McCain can't raise his arms over his head to comb his own hair. He is the oldest candidate, with a reputation for integrity and a record of pursuing campaign finance reform.

Fred Thompson: former Senator from Tennessee Signature Moves: leaping stomp, chest pound, spinning slaps, tremor pound

Fred Thompson is a former actor who's very good at acting presidential, best known for his recurring role as the New York County DA on Law & Order. He entered the race late and so far has made no real splash.

Ron Paul: Texas Congressman
Signature Moves: invisibility, spits venom
Fatality: Acid Puke

Ron Paul is a strongly libertarian candidate who is generally ignored by the national media. He has raised a lot of money on the internet, voicing the libertarian perspective. Unfortunately in terms of mainstream politics, his views are quite nutty, for instance he wants to bring home all 600,000 American troops overseas. He's not going to win the Republican nomination, but he's interesting.

Rudy Giuliani: Mayor of New York City on 9/11
Signature Moves: Bloody Spear
Fatality: Toasty!

In his tenure as mayor, Rudy Giuliani presided over the revitalization of the city, but has based his candidacy on the perception that he expertly managed the crisis on 9/11, to the point where Fred Thompson accused Giuliani of working 9/11 into every sentence. Giuliani has claimed disinterest in the early primaries, and is counting on a big win in Florida to start his campaign.

The Delegates, and the Primary Results:

The Republican nomination process is simpler than the Democratic process, with no super-delegates, and 2,380 delegates assigned by state, with 1,191 needed to win. The primaries and caucuses have been as follows, without all caucus results being binding. (Yes, American elections are a mess to figure out, why do you think we don't vote?)

Iowa: Mike Huckabee had critical early success here, but Mitt Romney also came out of Iowa with a fair number of delegates.

Wyoming: The party stripped Wyoming of half its delegates as punishment for holding an early caucus, and not all of Wyoming's delegates have been assigned, but Romney won here.

New Hampshire: This established John McCain as serious again, as far as the national media was concerned. Again, Romney came in second and picked up delegates.

Michigan: Stripped of half their delegates, Michigan was still important, as Mitt Romney built on his lead by winning and scooping most of the state's delegates.

The important upcoming events are the Nevada Caucuses and the South Carolina Primary this weekend, and then after that the Florida Primary where Giuliani will get into the race for real.

So far, these are the estimated delegate totals, with 1,191 needed to win:

Mitt Romney - 54
Mike Huckabee - 22
John McCain - 15
Fred Thompson - 6
Ron Paul - 2
Rudy Giuliani - 1
Duncan Hunter - 1

So basically only Romney has been in every primary and had any momentum, Huckabee and McCain need to prove they aren't going to flame out after the single primary they each put all their money into, and Giuliani and Thompson need their big debut events (FL and SC) to get started. We're only 5% of the way through this, though.

Signs you're reading a bad movie review, vol. 3

#3: DVD Details

Anybody who mentions the transfer quality almost certainly will not tell you anything about the film, because they think in the mindset of film lovers who've seen it 88 times and are just looking for a new latest and greatest version. They're speaking (as geeks so often do) only to people exactly like them who don't need to be told if Michelangelo Antonioni's Blow-Up is a good film (it is) they just need to know are there any scratches on the print?

Also included in this group are anybody who mentions the DVD extras. I've enjoyed the commentary tracks on a number of DVDs, notably Joss Whedon pointing out continuity errors in his own work then sheepishly apologizing for ruining the movie, and if you love a movie, it is interesting to see more about how it was made. However, anybody reviewing the DVD extras, or pretty much even watching any of them, is usually unable to give a neutral review, and even if they could they won't... like the DVD transfer guy, they're a geek who thinks only in terms of people like themselves to even be bringing up the DVD extras on a rental website.

Sample review:

I was excited to finally get a definitive release of The Third Man on DVD, only to have it ruined by a harmonic reverberation in my home theater from the twang of the zither music, an issue that frankly should have been fixed by sound engineers for a 50th anniversary release, as well as cleaning up some of the numerous scratches and pops in the soundtrack for a modern audience with 7.1 channel audio systems. Don't waste your time.

Best movie endings of 2007, vol. 3

Ocean's 13

Just because it was funny... George Clooney and Brad Pitt give each other a self-aware parting shot to close out their final caper, in a film crammed with all the glib excess of a farewell tour. Settle down and have a couple of kids, indeed.

The Bourne Ultimatum

I enjoyed this movie immensely as the conclusion to this series which begins with the blank slate of Bourne's amnesia and keeps adding more and more levels of intrigue. The final film turns reflexively to the beginning, recreating many of the first film's most striking scenes but playing them out differently (a fact lost on a lot of the audiences who couldn't figure out the point of the hair-dying scene is that it doesn't end with hot espionage sex). The Ouroborosian final shot of Bourne, back in the water unconscious the way he started the first film, is broken by the scene of Nicky watching the news report on the climactic shootout, and when when she hears no body was found and pictures Jason swimming away... when that teary smirk breaks across her face, I couldn't help but grin with her.

Signs you're reading a bad movie review, vol. 2

#2: The use of the word "slow"

Nobody who describes movies as “slow” ever has anything meaningful to say about them, or gets the point, often because they didn't finish watching the movie. It's one thing to report pacing problems, or an excess of distracting subplots (see Fred Claus). But for some reason when people say a movie is “slow”, especially with heavy emphasis, they never seem to be able to express themselves in a more sophisticated way about any other aspect of the film, or communicate in any sense if it's atmospheric, if it lingers in silence over certain shots, if it's long in developing it's core plot... most often it means there just isn't enough tense, expository dialogue.

Sample Review:

Slooooooooooooooooowww. Shut it off after 15 minutes.

Best movie endings of 2007, vol. 2

Black Book

When the first scene of Black Book is set in Israel, as the recollections of a middle-aged teacher confronted with a face from a past that's twenty-five years ago and a thousand miles away, I assumed it was just the same tired narrative device I feel like I've seen in a thousand tedious biopics. I figured it was either that or the “Hey remember back when...” framing device used for events of great historical import as an attempt to ground them in the modern world, like an aged Private Ryan visiting a French cemetery.

In Zwartboek, there is instead this underlying sense that Rachel would prefer to never in her daily life see any reminders of the events that took place in Arnhem in the early 40's, or her role in the Dutch resistance, but it is not clear at the beginning if this is meant simply to heighten the gravity of the oncoming flashback (which is hardly necessary for this film). In the final moments of the film, Rachel concludes her day and heads home amidst air raid sirens into a kibbutz lined with barbed wire, as her new home, is either enmired in the Yom Kibbur War or soon will be. I felt this overwhelming sadness for Rachel, seeing her walk in past guard towers and gates, like an inverted concentration camp where Jews went to stay alive and erected barbed wire fences to keep others out. The sense I felt was that while Holland had long since moved on and had joined a pact to never allow the horror of war to sweep over Europe again, Rachel lives in the one place in the world where World War II never ended, where the Holocaust loomed over her new country's birth and in '73 had to seem to somebody who suffered like Rachel that it was finally concluding with the violent end of the Jewish state.

So her evasiveness, her reluctance to admit to being Rachel from Arnhem, possibly even to seeing herself that way, may indicate that she is unable to look back at the war and the Holocaust because she for her they didn't end with the liberation of Arnhem. That theme is clear in the film, as all of Holland celebrates and children and hot chicks all pile onto American tanks to ride through town, while Rachel's resistance cell continues their hunt for traitors. I didn't really connect all that until I started thinking about the ending, which was interesting.

Zodiac

The closing music and the final line of Zodiac gave me one of the only real chills I had in the entire film, since I seem to have developed an allergy to slavishly sequential cultural and historical mimesis that really took me out of the film (if I just wanted to know what happened next I could have watched one of the fifty-seven documentaries or read one of I'm sure countless books written on the subject). Notably none of the big stars were in the scene, which returns to the stark and grisly murder that serves as the film's opening, as the surviving witness identifies his attacker from a photo array. The affected flatness of his reaction, studying the face and commenting on features, before calmly concluding “...the last time I saw that face was in 1967 when he shot me,” giving way to Donovan's “Hurdy Gurdy Man” and the closing credits, sent the second chill up my spine (the first is when Jake Gyllenhaal realizes he's talking to a man with a basement).

Despite all the diversions and obsessions of the film, and the random irrelevance of the actual crimes that Robert Downey Jr expounds on during the film, there is a specter that lingers over the case and the film, a dull and unreasoning yet grimly elusive bogey man whose spirit was never laid to rest. (And of course the chill Minnesota wind picks up as I write this and I hear noises from downstairs that I hope were my windows creaking... I really need to stop getting into creepy topics and slighting serial killers right before going to bed.)

Nuggets 118 - 107 Timberwolves

Apparently if you don't really bother with transition defense or keeping an eye out for back door cuts (the Nuggets made copious use of the alley-oop), winning an NBA game becomes harder than dubbing Nicholas Cage into Cantonese. Marcus Camby reminded Wolves fans that our front court is a little light by smacking every one of Craig Smith's early shots right back into his face (7 blocks for the game), and it took Big Al quite a while to get going as well. Since the Nuggets started two point guards I would have thought Marko Jaric would do something with his significant size advantage over Allen Iverson on the offensive end to compensate, but apparently not.

You'd think on a night when Big Al and Rashad McCants scored big, and somebody put a quarter in Ryan Gomes and he offers that rare (for the Wolves) third scoring option with a perimeter shot, you'd be able to stay in a game. The refs for once gave the Wolves the benefit of the doubt and called a fair game, but the first few minutes watching lay-up after lay-up and clanging shots gave the Nuggets a lead they never relinquished.

I still can't figure out the Wolves line-up, where players appear and disappear on a whim. I expect point guard and center to be a little screwed up because of injuries, but whatever happened to Gerald Green? Given a lack of depth at point guard, the Wolves started both healthy point guards, brought their best shooting guard off the bench (McCants), barely played Buckner, and completely benched Green. Maybe it was match-ups, benching Corey Brewer and playing bigger forwards, but it was a weird line-up, and it's a different one every night.

Randy Foye, Mark Madsen, and Theo Ratliff all show up to the game in suits, Antoine Walker, Greg Buckner, and Michael Doleac don't seem to be able to contribute many minutes. Ryan Gomes, Corey Brewer, and Gerald Green all seem to have decided to be swing-men and role players who can just throw in a little here and there, and Craig Smith and Chris Richard really are role players at power forward. That leaves the inconsistent point guard duo of Telfair and Jaric, the slashing scoring of McCants (sometimes), and Big Al trying to go one against four in the post with no perimeter threats. Half the team can't or won't play, and the ones that can don't complement each other: a catch and shoot guy, or a spot-up three point shooter would go nuts playing off of Bash and Big Al (good thing we traded our last one to appease Garnett). Wait 'til next year I guess, when Buckner, Walker, and possibly Green and Gomes will all hit the bricks, Foye might be back, and the Wolves will have the 4th and 31st draft picks and a shit-load of cap room to build around Foye and Big Al.

This year, they're going to stay in contention for the worst record in the history of professional basketball in America... they need to lose 74 games to clinch the record, and tonight was #28. They won't make it (I hope) but if they continue winning one game out of 8, it's going to be awfully close.

Best movie endings of 2007, vol. 1

I recently went over this year's list of Oscar eligible films and really confronted how few films I saw last year. In order to turn over a new leaf, I thought I could honor the year coming to a close by looking back at the ten best film endings of 2007. So in no particular order, here are the first two, a couple of closing moments remarkable for their excesses, in both humor and horror.

Death Proof (major spoilers)

I think this entire film was built in reverse starting with a theme captured best in one shot that kicks off the closing credits: Rosario Dawson lifting her leg straight out as far as she can, and dropping a daring heel right onto Kurt Russell's head. Each segment of the film serves to add, one piece at a time, all the elements Tarantino needed to set up his final scene, using an entire half of the film to flesh out early victims so he can create real jeopardy at the climax. All that work means his heroines' sudden reversal makes for one of the most visceral grrrl power moments in cinema without trite misandry. And I positively giggled when Rosario dropped that heel on Stuntman Mike, that was just a fucking good time.

Hostel part II

Obviously what was most remarkable about Hostel part II was really the opening, in that it got to the point a hell of a lot quicker than the first installment (which tried to keep restless teenagers in their seats with an increasingly tedious parade of bland boob shots). But I did enjoy the ending, in which a film franchise that seemed to take itself way more seriously than human reason could permit finally just threw up its hands and admitted how silly it is to watch a movie about a resort created to relieve the ennui of sociopaths. When Beth shows up as the Grim Reaper with a scythe, and the violins start keeping time to the cute but menacing children playing soccer with a hot chick's head I had to laugh, and that burst of silliness was like a sweet (but gory) dessert to sweep away the taste of a very over-seasoned meal.

Next up (when I get around to it): Zodiac and Zwartboek

Signs you're reading a bad movie review, vol. 1

My many years as a customer of online rental services like Netflix and Greencine, coupled with many wasted hours browsing Jump the Shark, Rotten Tomatoes, and the Internet Movie Database have given me a lot of time to read a random selection of people's comments on film and television, usually when I was trying to figure out if something was worth a rental. Unfortunately, a lot of these reviews just weren't very helpful, and I started to perceive some common elements of bad reviews that contained no insight or information, or were coming from a perspective so skewed or limited that their experience could never match my own. As a result I started to recognize a series of cues to stop reading or discount certain reviews, mostly brain-dead and negative but even some well-written and positive reviews. As a service to my vast readership, here is the first sign a movie reviewer has nothing of value to say.

#1: Any mention of who else was in the room

Often this goes into bad reviews, taking the form of “My wife and I were sitting on our couch and as soon as the movie was over we looked at each other and said,'Wow, Ben Affleck really can't act.'” For some reason “on the couch looking at each other” is a very popular meme in useless comments, but generally the more extraneous detail, the less the person actually has to say about the movie. Other forms include a long introduction about what theater they saw it in, and if it's an old movie the year and the crazy clothes they were wearing, but generally the actual direct commentary they make about the movie can be summarized in two words: “It rocked!” or “It sucked!” Longer comments are possible, but rarely more insightful. Also included as a subset of this is any recommendation of who to watch it with.

Sample review:

I saw this movie back at the old Chesterfield Theater on Wabash back in 1977, with my future ex-wife and her sister. As soon as the credits rolled, I hiked up my bellbottoms, brushed back my mullet and looked at my then girlfriend and the future bitch-in-law and said “You know what baby? After being with you, Star Wars is the coolest thing ever!” and it was true. And even my ex who was usually all cranky had a good time, so you know this is a good movie to watch with your girlfriend.

Top 10 Business Seminars in 2008

The beginning of a new year is always a time for self-examination and self-improvement, unless like the Captain you're waiting for Chinese New Year. With that in mind, here's a bunch of tired inside jokes about business seminars I'm considering attending.

10. Who Moved My Cheese Fondue? Zug, Suisse

9. Who Moved My Cheese Onto My Head? Green Bay, WI

8. Who Cut My Cheese? Chicago, IL

7. Who Made My Swiss Cheese into a Bong? Bathroom at Little Tiajuana's, Minneapolis, MN

6. Who Moved My Lasagna? St. Paul Port Authority, St. Paul MN

5. Who Made My Cheese from Cow's Milk? Queens, NY

4. Who Moved My Orange Windmill Tie? Padova, Italia

3. Can I Feed Your Pussy Met Mijn Kaas?? Den Haag, Netherlands

2. Who Securitized My Cheese? (I was going to eat that!) Greenwich, CT

1. Cheese and Rice! London, Engle-land

Redskins 32 - 21 Vikings

I'm only going to say one thing about this game. The guy sitting right behind me was an irritating loudmouth drunk with verbal diarrhea and no ability to control the volume of his voice, and after railing on for hours and sticking his knees in my back, he was trying to make a grand gesture and whacked me in the head. At the is point, the guy sitting next to me who is usually pretty mild-mannered finally lost it, turned around and told him "It would be easier to listen to if you were a Redskins fan, you know that? You keep talking, you're analyzing every damn play, why don't you put on a headset and broadcast it for us? And you don't know shit about football, or the slightest fucking thing about the Vikings! You either need to stop drinking or shut the fuck up! If there are kids around, I'm sorry for swearing... but fucking shut up already! Just shut up! I can't take it anymore, shut the fuck up!" This was followed by polite applause from me (and I noticed several others) and a long, stunned silence from the row behind us, and then one of the drunk's buddies quietly added with a smirk, "And a Merry Christmas to you, too." That was the highlight of the game... and that really says it all.

Who to root for this week

With the Vikings on the verge of a play-off spot, here's who to root for:

Panthers over Cowboys
Really I don't care as much about a potential Vikings-Packers second round rematch as I do clinching a play-off spot, and eliminating the Panthers means one less set of footsteps padding up behind the Vikings. Plus if the Giants continue to collapse, the Vikings can make Packer fans nervous by winning the top wild card spot, so I'm tempted to root for the Cowboys. On the other hand, if the Cowboys stay hungry, they'll give a tougher game to the Redskins in their final game, and I'm more worried about them than the Panthers who still have the Buccaneers to finish them off. So basically I'll vote for nobody getting any rest and root for the Panthers.

Eagles over Saints
While the Eagles hold tie-breakers over the Vikings, the Saints and Redskins are the only realistic threat to overtake the Vikings. I really want to see the Saints lose an NFC conference game and make it impossible for them to control their own destiny (I'll check common opponent tie-breakers later).

Bills over Giants
Personally I always root for the Giants to lose ($#*@'ing Manning) but if they lose one more game this season, the Vikings control their own destiny and can win out to get the top wild card spot (it's good to hold the tie-breaker).

Packers over Bears
It's always good to see the Packers lose, and I doubt they'll catch the Cowboys anyways, but it's better to keep the Packers and Cowboys heavily invested in the regular season, and the Packers need to win for that to happen. If the Cowboys are worried about the Packers, they'll play their starters against the Redskins, possibly bailing out the Vikings (should they blow it Sunday night) and I want our potential second round opponents to have as few weeks off as possible. Plus I hate both teams, so I want to see them upset by the Seahawks or Buccaneers, so the more tired and beat up they are the better.

Buccaneers vs 49ers
Ravens vs Seahawks
I think the Buccaneers are a dead lock to beat the lowly 49ers, so I'm rooting for the Seahawks to win as well and keep the pressure up in week 16 for who gets the easier draw (warm weather vs cold, amongst other things). Really I just don't want the Bucs and Seahawks resting starters in week 17.

Vikings over Redskins
Beat the Redskins, and only the Saints can survive (and only if they beat the Eagles). For the Vikings the play-offs start this week, and they have to beat the Redskins or hope the Cowboys and Bears get them get the back door. And I know a certain Viking fan in Near North is always up for a little ride'em cowboy backdoor action with a Chicago bear, but we really still want to beat the Redskins.

Nothing but knives and lint

The Return of Superfly

I didn't realize how few movies I'd seen this year until the Golden
Globe nominations came out, and I'd only seen Michael Clayton and The
Simpsons Movie. I thought I should start rectifying that situation, so
I went to see Ridley Scott's American Gangster. Based on past
experience I don't htink you can go too far wrong having Chiwetel
Ejiofor follow Denzel Washington around in a movie with a white co-star
who's cooler than a polar bear, and American Gangster doesn't go too far
wrong.

As a true crime story, it completely held my attention for the better
part of three hours, capturing a time and place in an almost tactile
way. Crowe and Washington are captivating running around in the setting
Ridley Scott creates for them, and Frank Lucas is an interesting figure
in the history of America, in a story that raises a lot of questions
about what might have been if his empire hadn't crumbled, NYPD
corruption had never been exposed, and a black man's organization raised
efficiency in the distribution of heroin and organized crime.

However I was surprised at how exposition-heavy the film is,
particularly Russell Crowe's side of the film, where long speeches
explain the essential nature of their characters. When Carla Gugino
makes a profound courtroom speech to Crowe explaining everything about
their marriage and the failure of his personal life, it's hard not to
wish Ridley Scott had chosen to show that onscreen, and not make a
historical film that's a slave to what happened next.

I did love the last shot of the film, perfectly executed without a
spoken word. It refers back to the opening of the film and and
completes an entire theme using only two elements: Denzel Washington's
eyes, and the music of Public Enemy, and those are two things that go
surprisingly well together on film. The whole movie is in the
expression of Frank Lucas, looking out on a street he no longer
recognizes, with jarringly loud music that pins the scene so clearly to
one particular time, and not the one Frank Lucas belonged to. The film
opens with the passing of Bumpy the gentleman, and closes with the sense
that the time of Frank Lucas the businessman is gone as well, just like
Russell Crowe's Richie Robbins had his path set a long time ago, and
can't stop being the guy who turned down a million dollars.

While I wasn't blown away, I certainly thought it was a nice film. And
any excuse to reunite Denzel Washington with Chiwetel Ejiofor and Public
Enemy is good.

Minnesota sports fans: I have good news and bad news

The good news is for the first time since Corey Koskie left town the
Twins have a third baseman who looks reasonably competent in Mike Lamb,
and leaves only Johan Santana, Joe Nathan, the whole pitching order, and
center field unsettled. This infield looks like former MVP Justin
Morneau at 1B, Brendan Harris at 2B, Adam Everett at SS, and Mike Lamb
at 3B, with a lot more offensive output from the infield than the Twins
have had in years. Brian Buscher will push Lamb for a starting job at
third, while the two remaining super-quick guys who couldn't get on base
(Punto and Casilla) will be pretty good depth, and I have hope for
Buscher and Casilla to win starting jobs in the next year or two.
Personally I love lamb, so this news makes me hungry.

The bad news is Vikings strong safety Dwight Smith was picked up on
charges of misdemeanor possession and obstructing traffic, partaking of
the good herb while his car was double parked outside Schieks. I really
don't get this guy, last year he got suspended when the cops caught him
getting a hummer in a stairwell at a club, now he's capping off a night
at a strip club by smoking up in his car in the middle of 4th St? Can't
we get Dwight Smith some sort of pied-a-terre downtown for cakes and
weed if he doesn't want to go all the way home? I know rent is high,
but when our starting safety is risking suspension on the eve of the
critical Vikings-Bears game that will effectively eliminate one team
from the playoffs, getting a roof over his head when he's smoking up or
getting his pole smoked would be well worth it for the team and for
Vikings fans.

Sonics 98 - 88 Timberwolves

I don't know how you blow a lead to the Sonics, but the Wolves found a
way. On the other hand, whenever Violet Palmer refs a game, things get
ugly for the Wolves, even though she seemed fairly subdued for a trip to
Minneapolis. (I don't know if she had a codependent relationship with a
werewolf that ended badly, but she typically calls more fouls on the
Wolves from the far side of the court than the rest of her crew combined.)

The young Wolves still struggle with transition defense and taking care
of the ball, and gave up a lot of points to the Sonics off of turnovers.
I really didn't want to lose to the Sonics especially with ex-Wolf
Wally Szczerbiak on the floor. Unfortunately nobody really stepped up
to help out Al Jefferson in this game, until late in the game Rashad
McCants got out of his shooting funk and started scoring some points...
still, the Wolves need a third scorer. On the plus side, Corey Brewer
continues to improve offensively, and in addition to three blocks scored
in double digits for the first time last night, while our other Florida
rookie Chris Richard (the guy with cornrows who looks like he bench
presses cars in the garage for exercise) had his best game ever in a
Wolves uniform, scoring in double figures as well. And tonight they
have a chance to bounce back against Yi Al John and the Bucks, and make
him run his vans all the way back across the St. Croix to his beach shop.

Sayonara, Rew Ford

The Twins have made some more moves which continue to tease exasperated
Twins fans who keep waiting for certain holes to be filled and for
certain axes to fall, and despite opening day being several months away,
I'm still getting anxious.

No word yet on Johan Santana's final resting place. He rejected $20m a
year for four years, wanting more years and more money, and he
apparently remains sure that somebody will offer both the money and the
prospects to make the Twins pull the trigger. Johan has narrowed down
his list of suitors to the Red Sox and the Yankees (and will not waive
his no-trade clause for anyone else), and the Red Sox offer to the Twins
I gather was... uninspiring. I don't know if the Yankees have anybody
to offer in a trade young enough for the Twins to want but replaceable
enough that the Yankees would part with them. Until we see what the
Twins get for Johan, it's hard to know what next year's team will look like.

But in the meantime, apparently none of the guys Twins fans were
thinking might fill the gap in center field will do so. Recent roster
cut Jason Tyner might have had the range to do so but had a horrible
year at the plate last year, and as I alluded to above last year's
back-up CF, Lew Ford, just signed a deal to play in Japan. Craig Monroe
will also not be considered as a starting center fielder, and with
Delmon Young and Michael Cuddyer in the corner infield spots, it looks
like there isn't a big right handed DH in the wings for the Twins since
one of our at least four corner infielders will be hitting in the DH
slot every game.

The Twins also signed another middle infielder who can't hit (Adam
Everett) so the ones we have wouldn't get lonely, but if Everett plays
shortstop and Brendan Harris stays at his preferred position at second
base, this puts Nick Punto, officially the worst hitter in baseball last
year, entirely off the field as a pinch runner and utility infielder
(he's fast, he just doesn't know how to get to first... or lay down a
bunt). This is good news, but I still don't know who's going to play
third, because Brian Buscher didn't blow anybody's skirt up when they
finally gave Punto the hook last year. Oh, first base is set... it
turns out Justin Morneau can really play.

So still no starting rotation, fingers crossed we still have a closer
and a left-handed reliever of some sort, no center fielder, or third
baseman, but we're still all set at catcher and first base. On the plus
side, no current Twins showed up on Senator Mitchell's long-awaited list
of players implicated in his steroid investigation, so nobody's
production is about to plummet without warning when they have to start
peeing in a cup. The one Twin rumored to be using steroids was already
slumping pretty hard, so maybe now that he dodged a bullet he'll
sacrifice his testes for the bullpen and get back on the performance
enhancing drugs.

Shia LeBeouf is Free at Last

Our long national nightmare is over. Walgreens has dropped trespassing
charges against Shia LaBeouf, who despite the name is apparently not a
porn star. For anyone not familiar with LaBeouf's work, he's best known
for his manic overacting in this summer's Michael Bay fighting robot
extravaganza (Transformers was apparently a lot better if you smoked up
and found something else to do during the boring parts and just tuned in
for "Ooh, shiny!"). The only thing he's ever appeared in I liked was
that SNL parody of The OC second season finale, when he only gets out
half a line before Andy Samberg and Bill Hader shoot him.

Anyways, LeBeouf wandered into the Walgreens next to the Larry Hiscock
tower* drunk off his ass at 4am and refused to leave. At first I
couldn't believe a hot young actor had nothing better to do with his
time than hang around that Walgreens (it's really not that exciting),
but then I figured he spends his free time playing overwrought teenagers
in mediocre movies (if he's lucky), so maybe he really doesn't have
anywhere else to go. So I just thought I'd share that information,
because considering how often it keeps being posted and reposted in
different fora around the internet, I assumed this must have been
keeping people up nights, wondering if the filming of Transformers 2:
Cybertron Cruise Control was going to be held up while hot young LeBeouf
was getting hot beef injections in Joliet.

Consider yourselves informed.

*-Also known as the John Hancock tower, after former President of the
Continental Congress John Hancock. Anybody else catch the founding
fathers flashback on Family Guy Sunday? "Roll call... John Footpenis?"
"I changed it to Hancock!"

Cold creme brulee is here to stay

I've been frequently frustrated in recent years by the horror that
arrives at the table every time I order creme brulee in a restaurant,
and I get some half-frozen piece of shit that tastes like cold cream and
KY jelly. It's only served at fine restaurants, which means it's just
this awful capper to a great meal that makes me all pissed off about the
whole experience. I understand the problem of restaurants, because it
is a strange dish full of uncooked bacteria breeding ingredients with
just the top burned to a glaze immediately before serving, and they
needed to prepare it in advance but also be sure their creme brulee
wasn't going to kill their customers. Unfortunately for a while a lot
of restaurants had this insane idea they'd make it and torch it all at
the same time before throwing it in the subzero overnight. In such an
environment the staff invariably never eat the restaurant's food and
therefore have no problem bringing it out cold, which is a really
unpleasant surprise when you dig in and your spoon starts frosting over.

After many years of me asking pointed questions about the serving
temperature everywhere I saw it on the menu, I thought I might have
single-handedly started a regional creme brulee education process,
because it was at least coming out a bit warm. Unfortunately the new
thing seems to be to make it on Monday morning, freeze it, and then
Friday night take it out of the freezer, knock a few ice chunks off of
it, and then hope running a blowtorch over it for five seconds will make
it edible. When you inevitably hit that nasty cold spot in the
middle... it's like kissing a smoker, I shudder just to think of it.

From what I hear Luci Ancora was the last hold out on serving this dish
in a manner fit for a refined palette, by virtue of having a creme
brulee specialist on call. She would prepare a batch from the freshest
ingredients every morning and deliver it to the restaurant, who would
keep it mildly refrigerated (I like to keep my e coli farther down my
gut, so I don't object to this step) then torch their cool but not
frozen creme brulee immediately before serving. Hearing this, I was
really interested in getting over there to try the last properly
prepared creme brulee available outside l'Hexagon, but glancing in the
freezer case at my corner store, I fear I may be too late. Those
bastards Ben & Jerry are making creme brulee ice cream, and their
marketing department (who have clearly made a deal with the devil to
have stamped such a wholesome, homemade image on ice cream with gummi
bears in it with celebrity endorsements) which will convince the world
it's supposed to be cold and shitty, and they'll pound the table and cry
until they get their cold creme brulee (which also helps take off make-up).

I fear there will soon be none left, just like you can't get anybody to
soak the bread all the way through when they make french toast, and it
shows up all dry in the middle. And for the last time, french toast was
not invented by Lou French in a Brooklyn diner in 1957, nor was it
"invented" by anybody else, much like sliced bread was not the brainwave
of a courtier to a Plantagenet court by the name of Joseph Slicer, and
Plato did not invent the plate. The Captain told me that five years
ago, it still annoys the hell out of me, and no, I still won't stay at a
Red Roof Inn.

My Minor Museums of Michigan Ave Manual

In my opinion, there are three tragically underrated snacks for the human mind on Michigan Ave, should a frantic shopper need to take a break and decompress under the vast dome of human history, thought and expression. (And the Art Institute isn't one of them, I'm so bored to tears with megamall museums.) North to south, if I was cruising up and down Michigan Ave with a power shopper and I needed to exercise the little grey cells, here's where I'd seriously recommend popping into.

First, right by the river in one of Chicago's most striking buildings is the McCormick Tribune Freedom Museum, which sounds insanely hokey, but isn't. I went in to check out a friend's work, absolutely expecting the fifth grade field trip experience, and while there were guys dressed as 18th century minutemen in the lobby, I was really pleasantly surprised by a serious attempt to engage with issues of freedom of expression in American history with a neutral perspective. The works of expression highlighted in this museum range from Thomas Jefferson's brief note on the right to self-determination of the American colonies the Continental Congress had messengered over to King George III appealing to the Supreme Judge of the World for the rectitude of their intentions, all the way to NWA's similarly insubordinate opus “Fuck da Police”. As you can imagine, the banned music kiosk is probably my favorite exhibit, with a collection of samples of songs spanning decades, with an explanation of how and why particular songs were kept out of the public ear, whether by government censorship, radio station boycotts, or the whim of retailers. This is actually kind of hard to miss, it's in the giant, beautiful building with rocks from famous sites around the world like the Taj Mahal and the Moon, and across the street is the entrance to Billy Goat's, which is stimulating to the liver and the pancreas if not the mind.

Right on the south side of the bridge is another recent McCormick Tribune foundation creation, the Bridgehouse & Chicago River Museum, worth a look and easy to see in under half an hour. The whole five story bridge tower is opened up to the public with an equal mix of Chicago history and modern environmentalism explained along a series of stairs and landings, starting with a view of the gigantic works that open the bridge to passing ships. The whole exhibit combines smoothly a history of the grand metropolis rising from the swampy river delta (and explains why the river defies the Tao and flows the wrong way) with a more natural view of the river. The man-made marvel of the bridgeworks that convert land to open sky and water is set against the small scale fish hotels bound to the side of the embankment, providing safe haven and breeding ground for the fish who claimed the river long before Chicago. Going up the tower, mixed into the history of the canal and lock system, the technological terror that imposed Chicago's will on several million years of erosion and drainage in North America and sends Lake Michigan water pouring into the Mississippi, is a whole explanation of how sewers and storm drains work, and what hopefully should and should not go into them to keep the river healthy. Usually that kind of pride in the ability of man to conquer nature doesn't mix with the kind of awe and respect for the natural world that drives environmentalism, so I have to admire the creators of this exhibit for finding a common voice for it. So while I wouldn't pop in here every weekend, it's worth checking out, and I can't think of a more convenient way to take in a bit of Chicago history and get a little cardio in climbing up and down all those stairs.

The last spot I've certainly raved about at length elsewhere, like in chapter six of my travelogue From Chicago to Chisago and Back Again, but I still believe the Museum of Contemporary Photography is always worth a brief detour to Michigan & Harrison. There has always been at least one image in that museum that lingered in my thoughts for days and days, for it's sheer provocative beauty, and since the first time I entered it back in March it's been an essential stop on any Chicago trip. Plus it's free, and the suggested donation box is way over on the wall so I can get by with tossing in whatever might be in my pocket, and some of the books for sale (like Larry Sultan's “The Valley”) are well worth it. Inside the Columbia College building at Michigan and Harrison, there's a whole huge park across the street, buses going by, easy access to brown and red line trains at Adams and Harrison respectively, and the Metra Electric and South Shore lines at Van Buren station for anyone needing to get back to Indiana to feed their moaning cat, so there's really no excuse not to check it out.

And if you find yourself doing some hardcore retail therapy on Wells Ave, there's no better place to fuel up before hand than Nookie's (tell 'em Crockett and Tubbs sent you) and working your way south, Amstelboy assures me there's no better place to put your feet up, wash down a couple poppers, and take in a little culture and good company than the Bijou Theatre, but you may find it hard to get up and walk back up Wells afterwards. (I have no idea what he means by that.)

A brief note in praise of Superbad

Despite feeling a bit past teen sex comedies, I couldn't stop laughing at Superbad. I think the central characters are very much out of the teen movie I didn't want to see: they're incredibly funny for a while, but no matter how much wit a movie can bring to exploring the lives of a bunch of teenagers, it will tend to exhaust the limits of their existence too quickly for a feature film. But Superbad has McLovin.  Every scene with McLovin and the two cops played by Bill Hader and Seth Rogen is just fucking hilarious. It's the second storyline really makes Superbad work, so in the end, it's all pretty funny. Anyone looking for more obscene gestures to make at me from their car on Michigan Ave should definitely check this movie out.

Capra Chameleon

What the hell is going on with goat culture in Chicago? To be sure, a population of nearly 10 million people in the Chicagoland area (most of them women) and two baseball teams creates a sizable demand for goats and goat products, particularly unusual cheeses. But there is something odd about the number of goat related events I find in that city, some of which I captured in my travelogue "Of Green Goats and Blackberry Bankers", which I'm told is a smashing good read (okay no, nobody really told me that). Bars and baseball teams live and die on the whims of stray goats, people are serving goat at parties, and trying to kick a hangover at a Chicago movie theater, I swear I saw a goat playing some sort of woodwind instrument, but that may have been the green dye and sambuca talking.

I thought maybe it was just one wild, braying weekend, but then I poke around Nobo's blog and it turns out she's listening to the Mountain Goats and making her own goat cheese. Not that I can object to either, because of all the fine times I had eating the feta cheese laden greek pizza at Luce... although I think the first time I heard of the Mountain Goats, somebody was telling me "International Small Arms Traffic Blues" was very reminiscent of dating me, and I don't think that was supposed to be nice.

My goat related love and libation experiences aside, why is Chicago the epicenter of all these capric goings-on? Is this some sort of back-up plan if Chicago doesn't get the 2016 Olympics, to become the goat capital of North America and use all those green spaces and unneeded Olympic venues over to bedouin goatherders? I don't now, but I assure you, I intend to find out.

Vikings Playoff Update

Unbelievably after their atrocious start to the season, the Vikings 7-6 and currently holding on to the last wild card spot, and while the division title is out of reach, either wild card spot is possible. Ideally the Vikings will get the top wild card spot, beat the champs of the South or West, and record a stunning upset of the Packers in the division round. Clearly they will then ride that high to a karmic reversal of the '75 Whiskey Bottle Game and beat the Cowboys to make the Superbowl (where they will pass the Bills and Broncos with a record fifth Superbowl loss... the Patriots are on too much of a roll).

Here is our enemies list, the teams fighting with the Vikings for the last two wild card spots:

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (likely to win their division)
New York Giants (our big rival for the top spot)
Washington Redskins
Arizona Cardinals
Detroit Lions
New Orleans Saints
Carolina Panthers
Chicago Bears
Philadelphia Eagles

To secure a spot, the Vikings have to either win out or get some help, so here's who to root for in every NFL game relevant to the Vikings this week:

Falcons v Saints
Tonight the Saints are still a potential threat, while the Falcons are not, so I think Vikings fans should root for the Falcons to knock the Saints to 5-8, and simplify the play-off picture. On the other hand, keeping the Saints motivated would put pressure on a couple of their remaining opponents: the 6-7 Cardinals and the 5-8 Eagles who are way back but have a tie-breaker over the Vikings.

Next Sunday there are seven games of interest to the Vikings.

The easy calls:
Lions v Chargers
Falcons v Buccaneers
Seahawks v Panthers
The Chargers aren't in our conference, and the Lions can still hurt the Vikings, so I hope the lightning bolts beat the hell out of them. Since the Buccaneers and Seahawks are likely to win the NFC South and West respectively and be out of the wild card race anyways, the other two games really only decide if the Vikings want to face the Bucs or Seahawks in the first round (currently Seattle has an effective 1.5 game edge with the tiebreaker). I'd like both to stay hungry and keep handing losses to other NFC teams, so I'm rooting for the Bucs to keep the pressure up while Seattle wears out their starters and knocks down the Panthers trying to say ahead of Tampa.

The leaders:
Eagles v Cowboys
Packers v Rams
In terms of making the play-offs, the Cowboys can help finish off the Eagles, the only team with tie-breakers against the Vikings, so that's a good thing. The Packers only matter if the Vikings are looking for a future third game re-match, in which case it might be better if the Packers finish on top and get the second wild card in a potential second round game. The Eagles are more important, so I'd root for both the Packers and Cowboys to win: knock out the Eagles, but keep our options open. I hate rooting for the Packers to win, but I want them going down to the wire with the Cowboys and not resting their starters.

The tricky games:
Cardinals v Saints
Both are potential threats and depending on the outcome of the MNF game, these two will likely be tied at 6-7 next week, one game behind the Vikings. The Saints have a tougher schedule, facing potential play-off teams, and won't waltz into the play-offs, but if they catch the Vikings they'll have a tie-breaker on conference record. If they Falcons should win tonight, then both the Saints and Cardinals could be 6-8 after next week and take a lot of pressure off the Vikings, but a Cardinals win would probably help the Vikings more than a Saints win.

Giants v Redskins
If only there was a way for them both to lose... The Giants hold the top wild card spot with a two game lead, but are vulnerable to the Vikings thanks to that Eli Manning meltdown that gave us the tie-breaker. The Redskins are a threat to eliminate the Vikings, but if they win and take the Giants down a peg, the Vikings still have a decisive home game against the Redskins. Given the effective 1.5-game swing for the winner of that game, if a few other games go the Vikings way I'd say one more win for the Redskins now is less important than keeping the Giants in reach (I hate the Giants too much to be objective).

Monday Night:
Vikings v Bears
If they Vikings win, they will eliminate the Bears from the play-offs, and set an 8-win minimum for a wild card spot, potentially eliminating the Panthers, Saints, and Eagles, and putting the fear into either the Giants or Redskins. Every Vikings-Bears game is crazy, so anything could happen.

So here's who I'm rooting for:

Falcons over Saints
Buccaneers over Falcons
Cardinals over Saints
Chargers over Lions
Cowboys over Eagles
Packers over Rams
Seahawks over Panthers
Redskins over Giants (tentatively)
Vikings over Bears

The Last Few Movies I've Seen

I lost my computer with all my half-finished movie reviews and blog entries, but here are the last few movies I've seen.

Balls of Fury is tremendously silly, but curiously amusing tale of a former ping-pong champion recruited to infiltrate a Far East crime lord's organization through his sudden death ping pong tournament. It has a healthy dose of very silly Christopher Walken and a lot of other silliness, and if you're into stupid movies, it's really not bad. It's not up to the level of Broken Lizard comedies and some of the other fine silly movies I've seen, but I had a lot of fun (although the company helped).

Fred Claus is the slightly less silly story of Santa Claus's unappreciated younger brother Fred, although it is still pretty silly. It has some problems, like way too many sappy subplots that contribute to an overly long running time, but it has a few things going for it, most notably Vince Vaughn's mile a minute Chicago con man. Flaws and all, I really did like Fred Claus, for its holiday message that even well-intentioned relatives can still be a major pain in the ass, and that even the cloying Claus family has a few issues surface around the dinner table.

I was really looking forward to Дневной дозор, completing the great Russian horror epic started in Ночной дозор, but I couldn't help but feel a little disappointed. Night Watch had something of a unique style that had Russians pouring into theaters in record numbers, but visually Day Watch never reaches the same level outside the opening sequence with the Chalk of Fate, and the plot didn't make a whole lot of sense either... I couldn't help feeling something was lost in translation. I was still interested in how the characters from Night Watch were getting on, and I'd still get suckered into any third entry in the trilogy, but there's really no rush.

I first caught Sean Ellis's short film "Cashback" because it was nominated for an Oscar in 2006, and I found it to be a fun meditation on art and the female form, full of bright humor and delightfully naked women, as an artist explains the art of surviving working at a
supermarket overnight. The feature film of the same name includes the entire short film and expands on it in both directions, adding a lot of humor and a bit of romance, but losing along the way some of the poignancy of the short film. The feature film takes what I took to be a metaphor, a painter's ability to freeze time capturing a moment on canvas, and makes it a literal ability to freeze time. It's still a cool movie and I'd highly recommend it to anyone with access to decent movies, but I would recommend watching Ellis' short film first (almost certainly on the same DVD).

The Big Twins-Rays Trade

Lest anybody get overexcited, a hedge fund has not in fact come up with a complex convergence trade involving Twins season ticket deposits and long positions on shares in Sunglass Hut equity (ticker symbol RAYS).  The Twins actually cut a deal with the Devil Rays, finally moving some of their stockpile of pitchers for somebody who can swing a bat now and again, and I thought the network of Twins fans amongst my vast readership should be informed.  Much like Gaul, the trade can be divided into three parts:  three swaps of shortstops, starters, and prospects:

1..  Shortstops

The shortstops are Jason Bartlett of the Twins, insanely quick with a lot of range on defense but really not hitting well at all, swapped with Brendan Harris, a utility infielder for the Rays who can at least add some more skill as a hitter to middle infield... the Twins already have an insanely quick second baseman who can't hit in Casilla, and utility infielder Nick Punto was officially the worst hitter in baseball last year.  So that's hopefully a little better in a line-up that really desperately needs power.  Or just OBA.  Or basically anything... somebody who could lay down a bunt would be an improvement.  Rumor has it Bartlett's moodiness and insecurity are what put him on the next train out of town (where he'll switch to the Capitol Limited and the Silver Meteor to get down to Tampa.. actually he'll probably just fly).  There is also the frightening possibility that Casilla, Punto, and Harris will play 2B, SS, and 3B, which would really be no upgrade at all.

2.  Starters

This is the core of the trade, straight hitting for pitching, as the Twins shipped out a starting pitcher, Matt Garza, something they may not be able to afford.  Pitching is hard to come by, and the Twins looked loaded, but if the terrifying change-up of Johan Santana finds its way to New York City (the town so nice they knocked us out of the playoffs twice), the slippery curve ball of Carlos Silva is boarding the Hope Train to Clark and Addison, and Francisco "Franchise" Liriano's wreck of an arm isn't healed, Matt Garza's going to be sorely missed.  Given the Twins general aversion to trading pitching, what justifies dumping Garza?  Last year Delmon Young finished second in rookie of the year voting, and next year he'll be the Twins left fielder.  Young is potentially a great hitter, the Twins outfield was pretty thin last year... they could have put a traffic cone out in left field and I wouldn't have noticed half the time.  The big needs going into the off-season were a third baseman who could hit, a left fielder who could hit, and a designated hitter, or just anybody who when so designated could actually hit the ball, and now that Torii Hunter has gone to be with the angels (technically he's with the Angels, but he's still dead to me) they need somebody to start in center field as well.  Young and Cuddyer at the corners are a good start, with the Jasons (Kubel and Tyner) and Craig Monroe for depth with somebody hopefully showing the range to play center field, if not in the style of Kirby Puckett and Torii Hunter.

3.  Prospects

So far it's all roses for the Twins, risky but probably good moves, but one more swap had to be made to complete the deal.  The Twins tried to throw in relief pitcher Juan Rincon, whose production declined rapidly once Major League Baseball started asking questions about steroids and Rincon had to clear a lot of creams and syringes out of his locker (allegedly), but the Rays were having none of it.  Instead, the Twins shipped out Eduardo Morlan, a reliever from the minors they were grooming to be a closer.  This is a problem because conventional wisdom has it the Twins closer, Joe Nathan, is likely to be traded and replaced by Pat Neshek's funky side-arm delivery, leaving the bullpen a little thinner.  On the other hand, local baseball aficionados speculate Morlan is a pitch short of the majors, so it may not be a big loss.  In return the Twins get AAA outfielder Jason Pridie, presumably so we can play an outfield of all guys named Jason as part of some kind of wacky promotional event.  Pridie isn't likely to start, but I'm all for picking up outfielders who can use a bat for something other than firewood, and in the absence of a credible DH, there's room for a lot of outfielders.

This still leaves some gaping holes, and with the uncertainty of the Twins pitching staff, the rotation looks like (in no particular order):

Kevin Slowey
BOOF
(some guy)
Scott Baker
(some other guy)

This is driving speculation that should Santana be traded (since he hasn't accepted a $20m a year contract extension) the Twins will demand a swap of starting pitchers as part of the deal.  Personally I hope he and Silva stick around and Liriano comes back to be a Venezuelan Three Musketeers and confuse the crap out of opposing batters.  If Santana's gone, it has to be for hitters, hopefully one to play third base or center field, and for god's sake somebody with some power to DH instead of using Jason Kubel or the back-up catcher (which led to the first time I've seen a pitcher hit in an American League game last year when Mike Redmond took a ball in the face and DH Joe Mauer had to put on his gear and move to catcher, and the pitchers had to hit the rest of the game... the Twins still won).  After losing Hometown Hero Torii Hunter for nothing, I assume the Twins will be trading Nathan and Santana this winter, and I will be there to rant about it.

Euro2008 qualifiers - all over but the crying

First off, sell your Kirsch and Goldschlager futures, because England will not be going to Switzerland next summer after losing 3-2 to Croatia in London today, while Russia as expected won in Andorra to knock England out of the tournament. (Early whining has the New York Giants to blame for tearing up the field in their game against the Dolphins at Wembley.) Pretty much everybody else came through as expected: the Turks came through with a win against Bosnia to knock out Norway, the Poles obliged the Portuguese by knocking out Serbia, and the Swedes are in over Northern Ireland. I was also watching with interest the battle between Germany and Holland to avoid being a top seed, and despite a 2-1 loss in Minsk, the Dutch are still a top seed. So here they are grouped by seeding, your Euro2008 finalists:

Austria (hosts)
Switzerland (hosts)
Greece (holders)
Netherlands

Sweden
Italy
Croatia
Czech Republic

Spain
Portugal
Germany
Romania

France (???)
Russia
Turkey
Poland

The top 16 in Europe are good enough that seeding isn't all that important, since all groups should be tough anyways, but this is the most lopsided I've seen. France in the bottom tier and Austria as a #1 seed, this could lead to an absolutely epic Netherlands, Italy, Germany, France group. And of course, the three European teams I was pulling for, the Belgians, Irish, and Norwegians, all failed to qualify for a second tournament in a row. At least the French will be there for style, and the Dutch to once again choke on their mayonnaise coated fries.

Correction regarding Netherlands

As somebody pointed out, my math skills are apparently lacking, and Holland and Romania are already qualified for next year's Euro (and Bulgaria is out). Here's one more wrinkle: Holland and Germany are in a fight to see who gets a top seed, which is not something you want. As it stands, the Dutch will join Austria, Switzerland, and Greece in the pool of top seeds, which is not a good thing... it's much better to be in the second tier and avoid the Italians and a couple other much tougher teams than Greece and Austria. At this point the French and the Spaniards, two of Europe's top teams, are looking like #4 seeds, proving once again that seven centuries of post-Renaissance European cultural and intellectual development wasn't enough to teach these people how to run a proper seeding system for a football tournament.

So if the Dutch have a suspiciously bad loss to Belarus tomorrow, they're likely to get a #2 seed and coal in their shoes come Sint Niklaas Day. How likely is this? Well let's just say coal futures are up $40 on the CME, which is like 2,50 in euros.

House of 1000 Muppets

Vikings 29 - 22 Raiders

Coming off a horrid game in Green Bay in which they seemed not just over-matched but completely unprepared, the Vikings turned the ball over six times today.  I have to believe that against anybody but Chokeland, that would have been enough to ensure a loss, so I cannot express the relief I felt when they pulled off a win.  The Vikings started the game in style, on the first play of the game lining up with an empty backfield, running an end-around and then a reverse to Sidney Rice, who then threw a 79-yard pass to Visanthe Shiancoe.  On the next play, Chester Taylor powered the last ten yards into the end zone, and the Vikings were off to a great start.  Then they decided to make things fair by spotting the Raiders the ball a few times... six turnovers in all, which along with Sebastian Janikowski's powerful leg kept the Raiders in it.  With less than two minutes to go, Chad Greenway iced the game with an interception in Raiders territory, but instead of staying down and letting his team run the clock out, he tried to run with it, and promptly coughed the ball back up.  Fortunately Darren Sharper came up with the last second pass deflection to keep the game from going into overtime, but it never should have been that close.  I was impressed and amused with Sidney Rice on the receiver option, throwing the 79-yard pass to Shiancoe, and later getting himself out of trouble and still getting off a 15 yard pass to Troy Williamson... what's even more amazing his Williamson got his googly eyes and small hands going the same direction and caught it (actually that was a really nice catch).

Next week the New York Giants, who always come to town and derail the Vikings when they're on a roll, and lose in bizarre fashion to struggling Vikings teams in New York... the 5-0 '97 Vikings lost to New York and finished 9-7, squeaking into the play-offs where they came up with the most improbable last minute victory imaginable... at Giants Stadium.  Then there was that 24-21 win with 3 points on offense... I predict Eli Manning will be crying into his mother's apron by halftime.

Euro2008 Qualifiers, last call

For anybody keeping track, I thought perhaps I should follow up my report on the various Euro2008 bubble teams, given a couple surprising results.

First the less shocking results:  the Poles beat Belgium to lock up a spot in the finals, and this has me quite annoyed, because even though the Rode Duivels were long since eliminated, I'd like to see them at least finish strong and do what Belgium does best:  annoy the crap out of everyone.  The Portuguese beat Armenia as expected, but due to a snowed out Serbia-Kazakhstan game and a Finnish win over Azerbaijan, the Portuguese still need to pull out some kind of result against Finland on Saturday to clinch a spot in the finals.  (A detail I screwed up in my last report, thankfully nobody caught it... I wonder if that has anything to do with nobody reading it in the first place.)  Spain jumped up and down on Sweden yesterday, while the Danes lost in Belfast, which put Spain in the finals, eliminates Denmark, and gives Northern Ireland a very long shot at upsetting Sweden for a spot in the finals, needing a win in Spain and a Latvian win in Solna (which is just outside Stockholm and home to AIK, for you Swedish football afficionados).  Holland was able to squeak out a win over Luxembourg, which is really rather sad since they should be able to pop over before lunch and win that one with sandwiches in their hands, and I mean really good sandwiches with fresh ham and kaas.  The Romanians were less obliging, and lost to the Bulgarians to keep Holland on the bubble, needing a win in Minsk this Wednesday to be sure of making the finals, while the Romanians get the Albanians at home and Bulgaria travels to Slovenia with a shot at bouncing either the Romanians or Dutch.

In the big games I had an eye on, much to my annoyance I discovered the Turks beat Norway in Oslo to take a lead for the last spot in Group C, meaning Norway needs Bosnia to win in Istanbul this Wednesday... as I said, with the proud Viking blood that flows through my veins, I find this quite annoying.  The big showdown between the Scots and Italians also didn't go my way as the Italians won 2-1 in Glasgow, the upside being the French and Italians are in the Euro and the Ukraine-France game I was dreading is no longer significant.  In the big two "Will the red and white horde descend on central Europe?" match-ups, the Russians made no headway in Tel Aviv, while to my surprise the Croatians got soundly beaten in Macedonia, leaving a wide-open door into the Euro for England, who control their destiny in their final game against Croatia at Wembley.  Croatia are already qualified, and England only needs a draw to qualify, but as Fred Thompson will surely tell you England will get precious little help from the USSR, who are sure to win against Andorra.

Also of interest, Germany beat Cyprus 4-0, which ordinarily would not be all that surprising, but the Germans were highly expected to throw the game.  As it stands, the Germans will be a top seed for Euro2008, which is not something they're too excited about, since the other top seeds are Greece, Switzerland, and Austria.  Anybody in the next four seeds avoids three of their toughest opponents (really the top five in Europe minus themselves), and has a 75% chance of avoiding all four if they avoid the Germans in the draw.  The Germans on the other hand are guaranteed to face one of Italy, Holland, France, or Spain, so there's been rampant speculation that Germany would throw all their games until the draw to stay out of the top seeds and stick the Italians with that honor.  Obviously karma would demand that they then draw Italy, the Czechs, and the Poles for the ultimate seeding nightmare... Austria-Switzerland is like a home tournament for Germany, so if they drew the Italians who are world champions and neighbors on the other side, the Czechs who are right next door, and the Poles who are the world champions of hating Germany, I'd be laughing uncontrollably for a week.

So here are the Big Meaningful Games this Wednesday:

Portugal v Finland
Serbia v Poland
(pretty much any break for the Portuguese puts them in over Serbia)

Spain v Northern Ireland
Sweden v Latvia
(any break for the Swedes puts them in ahead of N.I.)

Turkey v Bosnia
Norway v Malta
(The Turks either win or stay home next summer, the Norwegians either win or can never go home again)

England v Croatia
Russia v Andorra
(Andorra's no kingmaker, so if England gets a draw or better, they send Russia home)

Romania v Albania
Belarus v Netherlands
Slovenia v Bulgaria
The Dutch and Romanians control their own destiny, but any stumble allows the Bulgarians to claim a scalp.  For all you Dutchies here's what you have to look forward to besides coal in your shoes on St. Nicholas Day:
    Dutch win:  Euro2008, baby
    Dutch draw:  Romania must lose, or Bulgarians must lose or draw
    Dutch loss:  Bulgaria must lose or draw for Dutch to advance

Germany v Wales
(Germany is already qualified, but a bad loss to Wales might get them out of them out of the top four seeds.)

And here's what the tournament looks like so far:

Qualified (10 spots):
Austria (hosts)
Switzerland (hosts)
Greece (holders)
Germany
Czech Republic
Poland
Spain
Croatia
Italy
France

Likely (2 spots):
Portugal  (but maybe Serbia)
Sweden  (but maybe Northern Ireland)

Undecided (4 spots):
England or Russia (England)
Any two of Romania, Netherlands, Bulgaria (Romania, Netherlands)
Turkey or Norway (Turkey)

Not attending but sorely missed:
Belgium

Elizabeth II, the Gnome Queen

The Financial Times just ran a special section about the latest trend in overcrowded London (aka Lun-donn), to create more space for wealthy Londoners growing fat off the financial services sector, the second fastest growing sector of the economy. Obviously it really only dropped to second thanks to the growth in revenue from targeted ads on internet video websites, for the first time gangs of hooded children have been able to monetize shaky cell phone videos documenting the severe beating of random people in the street. Within a month, O2 and Burberry dominated the European economy and the pound appreciated sharply against the dollar, creating "cashmere arbitrage" opportunities for MBAs who really need to get the fuck out of the office and talk to real people more, I mean honestly. This part of my rant brought to you by my irritation at friends who go overseas and call me in the middle of the f***ing night, sorry to take it out on you, British economy and gangs of rosy-cheeked hooded assassins.

Back to my original point, there's a limit to how far out a city can expand without losing cohesiveness, despite the best attempts of certain Wisconsin residents to claim they live in the northern, northern part of Chicago, south of Evanston but north of Green Bay. Eventually expansion must turn vertical, and Chicago is answering this with the gigantic crystalline penis that will loom like a mad rapist over the squirming waves of Lake Michigan. One need only look up and observe the torrent of socks and stinky boxers drifting down from the lofty heights of 1 W Superior to see what is possible when a city turns its eyes skyward. But of course, ever since the Chunnel opened, the English have been spending entirely too much time around the French, so they had to expand London in a snarky, "Right way, wrong way, a la mode francaise" gesture by embracing the vertical, but expanding underground. All over London, wealthy homeowners, and you really have to have money to think this way, are digging multi-story basements, only I think they spell them multi-storey, to put in underground pools with sliding floors and I can only assume sharks with laser beams attached to their heads. If you go building a ballroom that converts into a pool, you really are only one step removed from turning into a Bond villain and you know it, J.K. Rowling... she has wealth and vitality, and nothing left to do but to take over the world... she'll be hijacking nuclear weapons from Киргизия before "Deathly Hallows" hits DVD.

What I want to know is, when the hell did these people become $*&#ing gnomes? The last thing that country needs is less natural light and fresh air... ever wonder why David Beckham was such a beautiful sex symbol who could break down doors with his gigantic dong until he came to America and nobody knew who he was? It's because when you line him up next to a fuck-ugly centre-forward who looks like he came bounding out of a lake in the dead of night to kill Vikings in a mead hall but accidentally stumbled onto the pitch at Wembley, by comparison Beckham looks like somebody Raphael would have painted into a Vatican mural. That whole bunch looks like Sven-Goran Eriksson turned over rocks and put an England shirt on anything that came scuttling out with less than 6 legs. Seriously, get out of the tube and get some vitamin D flowing through those veins, don't dig deeper. There is a possibility of light wells, but I've seen the best the civil engineers at the UofM could come up with to get natural light down to this subterranean lair 70 feet below the surface that used to house this English department TA I had a thing for, and the lack of natural light really augmented her total lack of natural sleep (teaching at two schools and finishing her thesis was taking a toll), making her completely nuts... although that's probably why I had such a thing for her and kept expressing it through passive-aggressive, provocative papers and exam essays explaining how every great work of British literature from the Cotton Vitellius to Joseph Conrad was really about boning people you shouldn't, like an eager student. Later I would recognize these feelings as transference (but I'd still hit that).

Speaking of things I'd hit, there are pleasant looking people from the UK who don't look like they crawled out of a cold, snake-infested hole and tried to brush the mud off of their teeth, but invariably they turn out to have originated far, far away from the ahem, burrows of London, and just fake an proper English accent for export... everyone presentable eventually drops the accent and admits to being Scottish or Irish. (Except for Emily from Islington, left, who's a dish.) There's a reason when Ridley Scott wanted a deformed bastard with half his face missing who could make Hannibal Lecter seem heroic by comparison, there was only one number to call: Gary Oldman.

Back to the gnome infestation, the more sensible critics note that neighbors tend to be a bit put out by the whole super-sub-basement plan, because for one thing, a four-story concrete block dug into the water table sends heavy rain flooding into everybody else's cellars, to say nothing of cutting off the water supply for the green spaces England is wisely trying to preserve. The two years of high pitched whining drills and clanking conveyor belts hauling out debris are also a nice way to bring a community together, and once this becomes a trend, those crews will become a permanent fixture for all London homeowners. As I understand it, this whole problem ultimately goes back to the impossibility of new construction coupled with an unwillingness to expand skywards... as it is the tallest building in the United Kingdom would fit comfortably in the second tier of the Minneapolis skyline. I know London doesn't have the same anxiety over the length of their metaphorical penis that many other cities do, because "We used to own India. Yeah, the one with f***ing elephants," still trumps building a tall building. (Nothing wrong with being a bit below average, Chicago... just don't hit the showers with Malaysia.)

So here's hoping Londoners discover the virtues of sunlight before they discover the delight of emerging from the darkness to dine on the beautiful... no wait, an Englishman already figured that one out, and planted it in the English subconscious. Damn you, H.G. Wells, you cannibal bastard.

Timberwolves 108 - 103 Kings

Six games into the season, the new look Timberwolves finally have their first win.  What made this possible is despite early offensive struggles and a long series of turnovers that had me wondering if the ball was slippery for every pass to be sliding off of the intended recipient's hands (the Kings oddly didn't experience this phenomenon), and despite some terrible lapses in perimeter defense and in the low post, the Kings still couldn't pull away from the Wolves.  They played enough solid team defense to slow the Kings down, and Al Jefferson and Rashad McCants scored enough to keep the Wolves nipping at the Kings' heels, both shooting over 50% for the game and scoring more than half of the Wolves 108 points.  To break the deadlock, the Wolves needed a third scorer, and with Craig Smith (aka The Rhino) nursing an ankle injury and an ill Greg Buckner playing limited minutes off the bench, Antoine Walker got an extended amount of playing time for the first time this season.  In the second half Walker came up big as a third scorer on a night when few Wolves were able to score from the field.  The Wolves didn't start strong as they have in previous games, but they also didn't experience the same drop-off and when they got a burst in the fourth quarter to take a commanding lead, they held it, making free throws, slowing the Kings down, and keeping their heads above water.  Sebastian Telfair came up limping as well, meaning Marko Jaric saw even more time at point guard but came through with some of the critical free throws needed to ice the game, which is good since he's the only healthy guard who can play the point.  I love Jaric, because he's like a box of chocolates:  delightful in morsels, but messy in the hot sun.

I was surprised to see former Timberwolf Beno Udrih on the court tonight, scoring 17 and giving fits to Marko Jaric.  For anybody who doesn't remember Udrihs's tenure with the Wolves, a week or two ago the Timberwolves traded a protected 2nd round pick to the San Antonio Spurs for Udrih and a pile of cash, then cut him before he ever arrived in Minnesota.  I'm surprised given the Wolves' lack of depth at point guard that there wasn't somebody who could go in Udrih's place, like stiff center Michael Doleac, easily disoriented slam dunk champion Gerald Green, or rookie Chris Richard, none of whom have contributed significantly and may be destined for retirement or Europe.  The trade was in actuality a way to make a little money off San Antonio, who gave the Wolves enough to buy out Udrih's contract and keep a little for themselves, while the pick the Wolves offered in return was a symbolic gesture:  it's protected if the Wolves finish outside the top four. a statistically predictable event for a team that started 0-5.  Once Randy Foye returns nobody's going to be reminiscing about Beno Udrih and what could have been, and the last thing they need to do is cut big men, but it's still annoying when somebody has a "Remember cutting me, dumbasses?" kind of night.

Anyways, the first of what are sure to be many wins... like maybe 19 more in the next 5 months.

Japanese Coke Machine Dress

God bless the strange island people who live in close proximity to but total isolation from their neighbors, really... the Japanese, the British, the Singapurrrians, and the New Yorkers (except the Bronx, yeah yeah). I really wasn't sure what to make of this latest singularly Japanese creation, but this is one of those things that's so stupid I can't look away (like Andy Samberg punching people before they eat).

A Japanese designer has created outfits and accessories to foil muggers and bullies, like a purse that looks like a manhole cover so you can drop it in the street and recover your exploded makeup and bits of your runover cell phone it later, assuming nobody else has picked it up and found ID with your home address and your house keys (insuring you can't get in to stop them robbing you). But what's really insane is the skirt that becomes a soda machine, so you can hide inside it while the mad horde chasing you runs by blindly, having never seen an episode of Scooby Doo. This does tend to make a bit more sense in Japan, where there are entire banks of vending machines to blend in with, and nobody is likely to eye any particular one too curiously. (For more pictures of this crazy stuff, click here, or on the gif at right to animate it.)

However I can't help but shudder to think of what would happen if the disguise should fail, and given that a coke machine with feet can't stand up to more than a split second of scrutiny, this seems quite likely. At that point, you'd be wearing a bulky box-like outfit that prevents the use of your arms and blocks your peripheral vision, and are you ever in for the beating of your life. The payphone backpack for kids is particularly sad, because it requires a child to pull something over their head, turn their back, and then stay still while bullies, who are presumably FOLLOWING THEM, approach and try to contain their laughter. That may be the key problem, in order for you to put on the disguise, you have to know soembody is after you, and then somehow evade them long enough to find a hiding spot and adopt a disguise... is hiding really the best strategy at that point, or should you maybe just call a cab and order take-out while you wait? It's like that Star Trek episode where the big bad alien makes a crude knife while Captain Kirk wastes half his time and then makes a cannon with diamond ammunition from things he finds on the ground.

Honestly when I saw the demonstration video even I wanted to attack the person wearing it for putting on a fucking Halloween costume and prancing about taunting, "You can't see me!" Okay, I wouldn't actually attack a woman in the street no matter what she was wearing, and in truth I'd probably be laughing too hard anyways if I realized I'd just passsed somebody cowering inside a fake vending machine. But this also has me thinking maybe there's another angle to this, from fetish-driven Japan. I think if a woman came over and told me in this sultry voice she could take off her skirt and turn into a coke machine, I'd have to think a couple of my favorite vices were coming together in a whole new way. I'd certainly have a new perspective on the shimmering, feminine contours of the classic coke bottle... "I'm a coke machine with nothing on below the waist, come push my buttons, baby."

Al Ahly 1 - 3 Etoile du Sahel

This result from the African Champions League final is actually pretty stunning, since Al Ahly is one of the traditional powers in Africa.  They came away from Sousse with a 0-0 draw, so to lose on their own field in one of the toughest venues in the world, Cairo International Stadium and give Etoile du Sahel their first African championship... it's quite a result.  And it qualifies the Tunisians for next month's Club World Cup, so in case anybody else was paying attention to that besides me, here's who's in it.

On one side of the bracket, North American champions Pachuca from Mexico play Etoile du Sahel, and the winner of that game goes on to play the Libertadores winner Boca Juniors, from Buenos Aires.  On the other side of the draw New Zealand's Waitakere United, representing Oceania will play an undetermined Asian Champions League winner, which will be either Urawa Red Diamonds of Japan, or Sepahan from Iran (after a 1-1 draw in Esfahan, Urawa Reds host the second leg in Saitama, and I'd have to think they've got the inside track).  The winner of that game faces the European champions Milan, and I'd have to say barring a stunning upset, Boca Juniors will meet Milan in the final.

Coming up before that are the last major qualifiers for next year's Euro, and to my friends with international connections (like any of you are reading this) please look forward to being endlessly heckled this Thanksgiving about your respective country's failure to qualify.  Or just basically any country I choose to assign to you for the heckling purposes.  As per my previous write-up for the one person I know who cares about this stuff, here are the big games coming up this month:

11/17
Netherlands v Luxembourg
Scotland v Italy
Israel v Russia*
Macedonia v Croatia*

11/21
Netherlands v
England v Croatia
France v Ukraine

*-While I don't know a lot of Croatian Jews, these two games determine whether England plays on Wednesday for a spot in the finals, or just as an excuse for 90,000 England fans to buy £90 tickets for a chance to stand and boo for 90 minutes.

Lakers 107 - 93 Timberwolves

This game was much closer than the final score, despite being the Wolves first double-digit loss of the season. (The Wolves also dropped to 0-4 by the way.) Here's what I see so far, with almost 5% of the season gone (it's ridiculous to analyze 4 games in, but I don't care):

1. We need more centers

I thought the weaknesses of the roster would be depth at center and point guard, and seeing Dwight Howard, Chris Mihm, and Andrew Bynum tear through the Wolves like tissue paper when Ratliff wasn't on the court, they really need some help there. This situation only gets worse since down the line, Ratliff is going to slip down the depth chart as he ages, and what's the deal with Michael Doleac? Maybe the eventual return of Mark Madsen can help slow these guys down.

2. The second unit needs work

This may be impossible to tell since Foye and McCants are out prompting a reshuffle of the starting line-up, and the Wolves still seem to be sorting out how to sort out Telfair, Jaric, Gomes, and Buckner in light of that. I also think it's funny that the only Wolf with a positive +/- last night was Antoine Walker.

3. The coaches have their work cut out for them

The Wolves start strong (so they have talent), but then the other team starts to exploit their weaknesses and the disorganized bench comes in, and their early lead slips away. At the end of every game they make a late surge (so they have heart), but have fallen short every time so far. Hopefully Wittman can organize his second unit a bit and get these guys to learn how to shore up some of their weaknesses.

4. Defense of point guards

32 for Iverson/Wilks against Denver, 27 for Marbury/Robinson, 18 for Arroyo, and 10 for Derek Fisher... that really just means the Wolves have played teams with decent point guards and it's a reach to make anything out of it. But nevertheless, Jaric's big failing as a point guard was he couldn't handle small, quick guards (and his periodic bouts of confusion where he throws passes to nobody and wears his clothes the wrong way) and I'm not wild about Telfair's defense. So I'd say depth at point guard is a concern.

Eventually they have to play somebody less crafty than Phil Jackson, without a good center, who won't be able to build up enough of a lead in the middle of the game and they'll win a couple. Also it would help not to give the other team 27 more free throws... it's kind of surprising that Jefferson didn't take any, but big men who can't get to the line are a familiar story in Minnesota.

Still this is fun though, having a watchable team that has the potential to improve, so it's actually worth analyzing their losses beyond the usual "They stink, the end."

Koy $%&#'ing Detmer?!

The Vikings continue to seek warm bodies to hand off to Adrian Peterson, and are apparently considering former Eagles QB Koy Detmer, since the last Eagle QB we got (Mike McMahon) lasted a whole week. This makes me that much more annoyed that we couldn't sign our 7th round pick Tyler Thigpen to the practice squad, because while he might not quite be NFL ready coming out of the Big South conference (I didn't know there was a Big South) at least there was some hope. Koy Detmer has had a long time to prove himself in the NFL, and other than in '98 when he threw a TD against the Packers and then ran down the sidelines to dance like an idiot in front of Brett Favre (who he had never met). Other than having a stupid name and looking vaguely like Kurthawk in his younger days, I don't know what he adds to the Vikings as a fourth QB while Kelly Holcomb and the Tardis recover from injuries. In truth I don't know what Holcomb is going to do in the next 8 weeks that's worth waiting for him to get better either. Maybe they can pick up the ESPN intern from about 1:18 in this video, if they can find a set of pads that will fit her.

Magic 111 - 103 Timberwolves

The NBA used to regularly crack 100 points, and ten years ago when the Wolves had another promising young team they used to average just over 100 a game, which was pretty impressive since early in the year they essentially played 4-on-5 with their center standing around looking sleepy (eventually Stojko was replaced by Dean Garrett who stayed awake and kept his hands up).  They also gave up over 100 as well, which is why didn't have a winning record, but 40-42 was good enough for the play-offs in the ridiculously lopsided mid-90's western conference that included most of the best and worst teams in the NBA.  Last night's game looked a lot like that team, mercurial and prone to giving up offensive rebounds, poor perimeter defense, and vulnerable to big men who could take advantage of lapses of concentration in the post.  But the '97 Wolves were a lot of fun, and so are these guys, starting strong before fading, but then later rallying to cut the Magic lead to 2 points in the 4th quarter... before the Magic ultimately put the game away.

Last night, Dwight Howard was a wolf killer, scoring 28 points and pulling in 16 rebounds, and repeatedly took advantage of disorganized defenders in transition.  Rashard Lewis found himself open enough on the perimeter to shoot 7-9 from behind the 3-point line, and each of those shots was a killer... Lewis was only 3-8 from inside the arc, so perhaps it would help to get somebody on him.  Carlos Arroyo also gave fits to Sebastian Telfair, and those three really dug the hole for the Wolves.  The front-court did seem a bit depleted, since the Wolves starting center Theo Ratliff did not play at all tonight with Al Jefferson starting in his place with an undersized front line of Ryan Gomes and Greg Buckner with him.  While Jefferson continued to be a scintillating scorer and Buckner had a great game at SF, Gomes looked a bit out of sorts and didn't play a lot of minutes, where he's been very sharp off the bench in past games.  For big men off the bench I got my first glimpse of Ratliff's back-up Michael Doleac, who only lasted three unremarkable minutes, and Antoine Walker who should have been another big scoring threat seemed unable to rise off the floor.

The Wolves struggled in the back-court as well, as Telfair had an off-night and was unable to keep pace with Carlos Arroyo, and Rashad McCants only played 11 minutes, holding his ankle and grimacing as he left the court.  On the positive side, three guys who still have something to prove got more time on the court:  rookie Corey Brewer wasn't eye-popping but he did well until he fouled out, and Craig Smith added some much needed front-court scoring off the bench, while the often confused looking Marko Jaric handled the ball extremely well getting a lot of time in relief of McCants and Telfair, and came up with an assist double-double.  With Ratliff and McCants at full strength, maybe the Wolves could have made better use of Gomes and of Buckner's defense, in what was actually a fairly close game.

Vikings 35 - 17 Chargers or Adrian Peterson has a three foot erection with a cheeseburger on the end

It was hard to even see this, to realize it was happening as the game was going on, but Adrian Peterson broke the NFL's all-time single-game rushing record yesterday when he ran for an insane 296 yards.  That record was held for many years by Sweetness after he cracked 200 yards in a 10-6 win over the Vikings, so it's a nice record to have, and to have a rookie do it is unbelievable.  The Chargers were supposed to have one of the NFL's best rush defenses and were coming off a 14-2 season and looking to be back in it with the Patriots and Colts, so many Vikings fans were expecting a blow-out.  Nobody was expecting over 350 yards rushing by Peterson and Chester Taylor, or anything like the 28-3 second half spanking the Vikings gave the Chargers.  When the Tardis left at halftime with a concussion, I figured the Vikings would run the ball a bit more in the second half, but 'zounds.  Our rookie receivers who I've been hoping can help rebuild our passing game in the post-Moss era both came up with big plays, a touchdown for Sidney Rice and Aundrae Allison had a 62-yard kick-off return, which has me hoping to see more of him in that role. 

There was pressure on Chargers QB Philip Rivers, and LaDainian Tomlinson was contained, in what was just an all-around beating... the only tarnish was the rather foolish decision to go for a 58-yard field goal at the close of the first half, which fell short, but only because it was returned an NFL record 109 yards by Antonio Cramartie to give the Chargers the lead going into the half.  That was ugly, but perhaps not as ugly as the half-time mascots vs middle schoolers game... I came back to my seat just in time to see Crunch the Timberwolves mascot putting some 11 year old on his ass with a forearm shiver on his way to the end zone.  Anyways, when the Chargers return in 2015, I hope they remember to bring the Swiss Navy.