Why I Threw Away My #28 Jersey

I need to stop buying sports jerseys. Or at least of active players, because I have some sort of curse laid on me where these guys always manage to quit their team in either bitterness or disgrace, assuring I never want to wear the damn thing again. I still think the Wolves nucleus of the late 90's broke up because my then girlfriend convinced me we needed matching jerseys of "the cute Italian guy", who then held the team hostage through free agency negotiations until most of the Wolves free agency priorities signed elsewhere, then beat a path out of town complaining that the weather and our asshole players would keep anybody else from signing. He went on to develop seizures and blow out his knee, while that girlfriend cut off contact with me. When I lay a whammy, I lay it good.

This fall I've seen a few inside-out Adrian Peterson jerseys, much like the one I've had on my closet floor since we found out about Peterson's excessive approach to disciplining a four year-old. As long as #28 was banned from the sidelines, it seemed gauche to see it in the stands. Now we're close to finding out if Peterson has served his suspension and may return to the Vikings, and I'm really not sure what I want to see happen. Thanks to the national attention on Ray Rice, the NFL has been exploring new territory in terms of domestic violence and it's not clear if players like Rice and Peterson could be suspended indefinitely by a powerful commissioner or if they might return to active duty with the league.

Like many, my first instinct was horror. I used to love watching Peterson play. I've seen powerful runningbacks, I've seen speedy running backs, and I've seen crafty guys who kept their feet moving, but it's amazing to see him be all things at once, making contact, bouncing away from it then dragging tacklers a a few more yards. I even like his nickname ("All Day") and his Sportscenter commercial. But I don't want to get excited about the brutal, punishing force inflicted on other men with the thought in the back of my head of Peterson applying the same determined, explosive force to his son. From what I hear it's worse if you saw the pictures of the marks he left on the boy.

So I was ready to write him off until someone reminded me of the upbringing of abusers, and the finality of our judgements on these men. Everybody has a right to earn a living, and what might serve us the best would be to reach out and educate them about what the consequences of what they did, and stop this cycle from continuing. Or do we cast somebody out of society entirely when they break the boundaries, no rehabilitation or redemption possible? I don't think it's a coincidence that this was brought up to me by somebody from one of America's remaining African-American theater companies, considering that running back is a position that chews up and spits out so many black bodies. One of the comments made frequently about Ray Rice was that the Ravens and the NFL were right to dump him since at 27 he is on the downslope of his career, used up, no longer of any use to us, and certainly not worth investing in. Admittedly Rice and Peterson have both been paid well for their time in the league, and are not being tossed back into a squalid poverty like all the orphan boys Daddy Warbucks grew tired of, but how many blow their one opportunity before reaching a payday?

It's also interesting to consider a couple of other public figures who I became disillusioned with in the last year: Hope Solo and Orson Scott Card. Others have briefly brought up Solo's name in conjunction with Peterson and Rice, after she was arrested this summer following a violent altercation with her teenage nephew. The comparison breaks down in several ways, since there is not the same mismatch of physical power between a teenage boy and an adult woman, and we'd already seen Solo on the other side: her husband (former NFL tight end Jerramy Stevens) was arrested for a domestic violence incident that was dropped when Solo wouldn't cooperate with police. The odd thing is Solo has kept her position with the US National Team, so this is who we're sending to Canada under an American flag to tell the world who we are. She gets a second chance, but I truly doubt a black NBA player would make the Olympic team with a reputation for beating up children.

Peterson did explain away taking a switch to his son as being no different from the way he was raised, the classic "I turned out okay" argument, but not everybody feels the need to continue the pattern. Cris Carter, former Vikings star and also a father, talked honestly about his own upbringing with a mother who in frustration and desperation resorted to violence with her children. It's moving to hear Carter say his mother was doing the best she could and the best she knew how. Carter clearly understood what his mother did, he loved and forgave, but knows his mother was still wrong. And that's part of what's been missing from Peterson's case so far: any sense that he deserves what has befallen him.

Peterson avoided most major consequences, getting probation, a fine, and community service which is not as much of an imposition for somebody whose job gives him more than half the year off. He said the bare minimum of appropriate things, that he "regrets the incident" and "accepts responsibility", both of which I think could be safely assumed of anyone who gets caught, but also added that he just wants to put the incident behind him. Which would be great for him, if we could all now just forget about him whipping a small boy so hard he leftbruises and cuts on his buttocks, legs and testicles. But I really just can't. Peterson is not just going back to pumping gas, minding his own business, he's trying to be an entertainer and a public figure. Just stopping is not enough, if he wants to be a public figure we need him to publicly do better. Michael Vick even said as much, advising Peterson to consider how he, Vick, has dealt with his own horrific foray into dog-fighting by becoming an activist for animal rights, doing something to make amends and prevent further abuse, even though by doing so he constantly reminds everyone about what he did. Instead of putting it behind him, Vick got out in front of it.

Is that fair of me to expect Peterson to embrace one of the worst things we know about him, brandishing it like a scarlet A? Can't I appreciate his game, his accomplishments, like we often separate historical figures and artists from their work? The Declaration of Independence was written and ratified by slave owners, and countless prima donnas and dictatorial directors have produced amazing films and music. It's easier to do when the work is separate from the person, which is not always possible when you're contributing financially or psychologically to someone's ability to do the wrong thing. This is why I finally dumped all the Orson Scott Card books I had in my house. I was disappointed to find he held awful views on homosexuality, but I appreciated the words he put on paper, his stories which were not full of anti-gay proselytizing, but when it turned out he was still actively campaigning against gay rights, taking every dollar we pay him for his work and putting it towards making strangers miserable. I can't pay him, and I can't look at his name on my shelf anymore, no matter how much I feel like I learned from just reading his notes on Maps in a Mirror.

When it comes to athletes it's more complicated. Kobe Bryant has successfully put the alleged rape of an 18-year old girl behind him by not talking about it, settling with the victim who stopped talking as well, giving people nothing to keep it alive until everyone got bored enough to drop a ten-year old story. So it doesn't really change anything: I disliked Kobe before and I can't stand him now. But that doesn't work for Peterson, because I have to root for him: I wore his damn shirt. I can boo Kobe, Peterson I have to actively cheer on and possibly contribute to a vision of himself as a misunderstood good person, on his side in a "him against the world" scenario. Wearing purple he would also be representing me, representing an entire state in our eternal struggle against Wisconsin.

So what am I asking him to do? Prostrate himself and apologize to me? If I made a laundry list of things I'm ashamed to have done to people I think it would be clear I don't have a right to judge. But let me tell you about my two favorite Vikings. #80, Cris Carter, came to the Vikings after being waived by the Eagles, completely out of control with his substance abuse. When anyone comments on the man he became as a Viking, a leader, a legend, a minister, a winner of the NFL's humanitarian award, he reminds them he's also a former crackhead. To Carter, screwing up and hitting rock bottom was part of the journey that made him a man who could be proud of himself. Carter was also proud of the Vikings for taking a stand and refusing to put Peterson in a Vikings uniform until his case was settled. If I met Cris Carter I wouldn't ask him about his drug abuse, like being a fan of his gives me some claim to that part of his life experience: I know that he owns it, and that has always been enough for me to resepct Cris Carter and be glad to see #80 in the Ring of Honor.

So until Peterson is able to own his mistake and try to rise above it rather than slyly burying it beneath him, I will be saddened by his presence on the sidelines and hope the Vikings trade him. And I will be in the stands, rooting for our runningbacks Matt Asiata and Jerrick McKinnon, wearing a faded #93 jersey. Because it turns out there is no curse (or offensive lineman) strong enough to bring down the immortal John Randle. (Big Dog gotta eat.)

Why on Draft Day the name on my mind is Manti Te'o

With the NFL draft taking place today, one name is on my mind: Manti Te'o. If you're not familiar with the Manti Te'o scandal, I commend you on consuming better media or at least eating at home instead of sitting next to me at a diner that has ESPN running 24/7. But here's the short version: an outstanding Notre Dame linebacker in his senior season was struck by tragedy right before the biggest game of the year as his fake girlfriend and his real grandmother both died on the same day. This tragedy inspired him to new heights and rallied his team around him, and the power of this narrative made Te'o a Heisman contender and probably put Notre Dame in the national championship game, since the participants are partly decided by polling sportswriters and coaches as to who they would like to see in the Big Game, narrative can still trump quality. And two facts illustrate what a heavy narrative this was for this college football season, for two reasons. The first is the scope of the media coverage: I know literally nothing about this college football season (or really any other season in the last fifteen years) that is not somehow related to Manti Te'o. And second, Alabama's overwhelming victory and 265 yards rushing show that the spectre of Te'o's dead girlfriend was the only reason to want to see the Irish in that game. Seriously, this was such a debacle that college football may have to finally implement a real play-off system... Te'o's fake dead girlfriend actually broke college football, meaning they might have to turn it into something I'd actually watch.

I don't even care that much what the hell happened, what Te'o knew and when he knew it, why somebody would create and perpetuate this hoax, or the seven levels of bizarre behavior that went on in a man having a romantic relationship entirely over twitter with another man pretending to be a woman without ever meeting her, hearing her voice, or even seeing a live image in an era where every laptop has a webcam, or expecting anybody to believe he wasn't in on it... pulling that hoax off without Te'o being in on it seems like it would have been harder than dubbing a Nicholas Cage movie into Cantonese, but I actually don't care either way. What I do care about is the tremendous comedy potential of all of this, especially considering the degree to which football is something I share with my dad.

Vikings 34-3 Cowboys, and other random bits about football

I know I'm late in commenting, with the impending big game, but after six days I still remain giddy over the epic beat-down the Vikings gave the Cowboys. It's always funny when the national media picks a losing horse to ride, and they had all but guaranteed victory for the Cowboys... to show the depth of their disrespect, the crew calling the game was former Cowboys quarterback Troy Aikman (logical) and to balance that out... Joe Buck, who wouldn't stop wailing in horror when Randy Moss pretended to drop his pants and moon the Green Bay crowd in the '04 play-offs, and pouted when the Eagles referenced that in a TD celebration the following week. Being in the stadium one of the best moments was after the first turnover when it got so loud I thought my ears were going to bleed; I guess watching the game on TV had its own special moment when a speechless Aikman and Buck pouted and refused to call Sidney Rice's first touchdown. The bizarre contention that the Cowboys woes were due to the missed field goals and the Vikings putting an exclamation point on it with the final touchdown... that's just pathetic, to offer any excuse for a team that loses by five scores besides simple incompetence.

What does this weekend mean for the Vikings?

I suppose I could just wait two days and see what happens, but I've been trying to figure out all the play-off implications of this week's games. One thing is settled about the NFC play-offs: New Orleans has backed into home field advantage throughout the play-offs. Green Bay will probably be the top wild-card team, but it's down to the Vikings, Cardinals, and the winner of the Eagles vs Cowboys game to decide who finishes 2nd, 3rd, and 4th in the play-off seeding, and to figure out how Packers and Eagles or Cowboys will fill out the wild cards. Here's how it works from the Vikings perspective:

Vikings beat Giants - if the Vikings win, they immediately check the score of the Eagles-Cowboys game.


If the Cowboys win, the Vikings have a bye week and home field against everybody but New Orleans, and would likely play the Cardinals in the divisional round (or potentially the Cowboys, Packers or Eagles).
If the Eagles win, the Vikings do not get a bye week and would host the Cowboys in the first round, then hypothetically travel to Philadelphia. They would only return to the Dome after a win over the Eagles if the Packers or Cardinals were to bump off the Saints.
Other amusing consequences: The Packers and Cardinals likely play a repeat game the following week (unless the Cowboys beat the Eagles).

Cardinals 30-17 Vikings, or the Secret Scandinavian Sense of Doom

Since I got home from work after midnight last night, I got up this morning and watched the end of last night's Timberwolves-Jazz game and to my great shock they rebounded, didn't break down on defense under pressure, weathered their usual third quarter reversal of fortune and hung on for a win. I couldn't help but feel this creeping sense of dread as the Scandinavian blood in my veins insisted that it would be too much to ask to see two Minnesota wins in one day, especially after seeing the suddenly lucky Wolves tied their longest winning streak of the season (that would be one game).

The funny thing is my tivo tried to warn me, crashing during the first half and taking forever to reboot, like it secretly hoped I'd look for another distraction and get lost in Lego Indiana Jones 2. But like Tyr with his hand in the Iron Wolf's mouth, even knowing that the agony to come will rob you of a part of yourself that you'll never get back, you just have to smile and embrace the pain. I hope that crumpling at the first division leader they've met this season isn't a sign of things to come, and I hope the Vikings are better prepared for a potential rematch in the Metrodome (at this point I'd expect the Cowboys or Cardinals to come calling, followed by a trip to New Orleans). So what was so painful?

Of Bears and Grizzlies, or "Hey look! My magic rock is working."

I was really glad to see the Vikings deliver such a crushing blow that they were able to once again let the Tardis finish the game. I don't know why there was such a requirement for the Vikings to only have quarterbacks with silly names... Tavaris, Sage, Rosemary, and Favre... perhaps the Superbowl is at Scarborough Fair? Tenuous attempts at humor aside, Vikings-Bears games are always head-scratchers, and after dealing with the crowd at the theater I scrambled over to the Dome just in time to watch the Vikings and Bears exchange turnovers, and the frustration and exaltation and general confusion of the crowd was like a warm, familiar blanket. Plus the company was delightful, but that's another story.

My favorite play of the game has to be the highlight sack in the red zone, although Allen grabbing the interception and forgetting which way to run is a close second. But watching the Williams Wall calmly pushing forward to efficiently collapse the pocket, forcing an alert Cutler to attempt to roll out to the right, only to bump into his own tackle who was giving up ground to Ray Edwards faster than Neville Chamberlain. Cutler scrambled left just as Jared Allen, who recently gave up drinking and immediately developed an addiction to quarterback flesh, broke free and came looking to kill him, and desperately seeking a port in a storm drowned in a sea of purple. While it was Kevin Williams who got his arms around Cutler, it was a sack that belonged to all of them, as they mercilessly closed in from all sides.

Of Sheep and Wolves (and possibly even Big Foot)

I think someday Wolves head coach Κυριάκος Ραμπίδης will figure out a starting line-up and a regular rotation, and I won't go to Wolves games wondering which players will be inexplicably buried at the end of the bench tonight. When the Wolves lose to a Rockets team without Yao Ming or Tracy McGrady on a Wednesday night in front of a few thousand people (and that one guy who totally looks like Szczerbiak has to actually apologize to the sparse crowd for the poor quality of the opposition) it's hard for me to watch a couple journeyman players get heavy minutes while rookies sit. After coming from behind to win their opener, the Wolves have lost 13 straight, with a high degree of correlation between the score and whether or not they remember to rebound. They really desperately need K-Love back, unless this is some really elaborate ploy to get the a #4 overall pick (not a big enough market for a lottery pick) and keep racking up the rights to European players with no apparent ambition to play in the best league in the world.

Vikings 33 - 31 Baltimora, or Monkey Business on a Sunday Afternoon

This game certainly had an enormous swing of momentum from beginning to end, and over the course of four quarters the pendulum swung from the Vikings to the Ravens... ending up far away from nowhere, on its own like Tarzan Boy. In the first act of this rather tense drama, the Vikings struck quickly on the opening kick-off when Favre found tight end Visanthe Shiancoe slipping away from Ravens defenders, living in the open all alone like Tarzan boy. I always love the moment when the Vikings first score: a native beat that carries on, burning bright, a fire blows a signal to the sky as the crowd roars beneath the glow of fireworks shooting up the goalposts. After the defense stopped the Ravens cold, Favre connected with Sidney Rice emerging briefly from heavy coverage, a game of hide and seek while rushing across the forest, to put the Vikings up 14-0 just a few minutes into the game... monkey business on a sunny afternoon. Since Favre brought his leadership and gunslinger confidence to the Vikings, asking his teammates to "Take a chance, leave everything behind you, come and join me, won't be sorry, it's easy to survive," the difference in the offense is remarkable.

Tigers 6-2 Twins, Vikings 27-13 Lions

I don't think I would have been able to take two losses to Detroit in one day, so I'm so grateful for the Lions tackles forgetting how to block in the second half, especially with Favre looking like the old man he is. Although still not so bad as Delmon Young nodding off in left field and needing to take a moment to rub the sleep out of his eyes before he could get the ball back into the infield. It's like he was having this beautiful dream where blondes in bikinis were tossing their beachballs at him (which he still couldn't hit) and then he was jarred awake by the crack of a bat and a ball hitting his glove. I still can't believe we gave up Garza, Bartlett and a bullpen prospect for this guy (given the Twins excess of outfielders and utility infielders with soft bats, the other players in that trade don't really matter).

I may have seen my last baseball game in the Metrodome today; with only one more series left at home and the Twins down three games to the Tigers in the division race as they embark on a 10-game road trip I don't know if I'll get tickets again before Target Field opens next spring. I thought I'd feel a bit more sadness at that, since I really do have so many fond memories of those blue seats. On the other hand it was a dump with like six bathrooms and I'll be back next week for the Vikings home opener. Kind of a pathetic farewell though: usually it's the Lions that put people to sleep on Thanksgiving (if they played after the turkey was served coma wards would have to be expanded) but today it wa the 87 lame pick-off attempts and generally sleepy pace of the game actually killed all my drive to pop back into work for a few hours.

This is the first football season in a few years where I've had a fantasy football team that I actually care about, and I forgot how much it distorts the way I watch football. This week I really need Favre to throw underneath to his tight end, because if he goes deep to Berrian my exultation at the Vikings touchdown is muted by the knowledge that the Rode Duivels have been scored on too. I also still can't believe anybody drafted Calvin Johnson, a player I still associate most with the phrase "Wake up motherfucker, it's our ball!" But the important part is the Vikings are up 2-0, and my undefeated fantasy team is coming off a week two blow-out. I'm feeling luckier than that time I fucked a leprechaun.

Vikings Draft

Another glorious Vikings draft is come and gone, and once again not without controversy. The Vikings had some obvious needs in this off-season, like the basic tools of a consistent passing game. Really if they didn't come away with a wide receiver, a quarterback, and an offensive tackle to protect him the passing game was going to continue to suck.

So the Vikings addressed part of that by trading for Sage Rosenfels, a back-up quarterback from Houston who may or may not be a more reliable passer than the Tardis. And their second round pick, Phil Loadholt from Oklahoma where he established a name for himself as a monstrously huge man who likes getting up and pushing people around despite having a name like a 70's pornstar. So he'll hopefully add some menace to the right side of the line and make our running game even scarier than it already is. And of course, they did not fail to add some much-needed talent to the wide receiver position by drafting Percy Harvin out of Florida in the first round.

Harvin is undeniably talented, small but tough and capable of running about any kind of play in college, fearlessly coming out of the backfield or crossing over the middle, and on the basis of his football ability, he's a steal at #22 overall. One cannot help but be reminded of another talented wide receiver who fell to the Vikings at #18 in the '98 draft, who was so freakishly talented that he could change the course of a game with only a couple touches on the ball. Of course, Moss also had a bit of a problem referees, and with driving over traffic cops, and with marijuana. And Moss wasn't alone in making headlines for the wrong reasons, since the the Vikings have had some recent issues with players having floating orgies, parking in the middle of Fourth Street to toke up, getting it on in public places, and the like. So they draft a guy who has such poor impulse control that he partakes of the good herb right before going to the NFL combine where he will be weighed and measured, drilled vigorously, and of course, drug-tested. So now he comes into the league already subject to random drug tests by the NFL. If he gets he's in an ideal situation to stand out on a play-off team that desperately needs a receiver, and how easy it would be to blow it... he could be an outstanding weapon with Bernard Berrian stretching the field and Adrian Peterson keeping defenses honest.

The other glaring needs were mostly on the other side of the ball, since despite the strength of the Vikings defense, they really lack for depth in certain spots. Darren Sharper's departure leaves us with some weakness in the secondary and a wide-open battle for nickelback. There's not a lot of depth at linebacker, and it's possible the interior of the defensive line will start the season working off a suspension from last year. In any case, the special teams units were so horrible on coverage last year, I think anybody who knows how to tackle in the open field would be welcome. Addressing that the Vikings kicked off the second day by picking up Asher Allen, a physical cornerback from Georgia whose relative lack of speed will hopefully not be exposed playing in the Vikings system where he'll have a safety backing him up. Looking at the depth chart, I imagine he'll get playing time early at nickelback and we'll see if he's any good.

Still needing depth on defense and a kick returner, the Vikings just had a couple late round picks left, so they hopefully got some help by taking Jasper Brinkley, a linebacker from South Carolina, and Jamarca Sanford a safety from Mississippi. While Sanford may be an unspectacular benchwarmer as a free safety, Brinkley can provide some depth at middle linebacker and I hope both are the nasty kind of tacklers the Vikings need on special teams.

So what remains to be seen?

1. Can either Sage or the Tardis actually step up and play consistently at QB, or do we have to hope #3 QB John David Booty brings something to the team other than a few reps in practice and a funny name?

2. Do we have a kick returner, or is Childress nuts enough to let Harvin get his ass pounded running back kick-offs?

3. Will the secondary hold up without Darren Sharper, and can the defense survive four games without the Williams Wall up front?

4. Will adding Harvin's hands, Loadholt's blocks, and Rosenfels' arm to the Vikings offense open things up enough to make holes for Peterson and open field for Berrian?

5. Does the miracle of a Bears team with a QB (something we haven't seen in 20 years) make it all moot and put the division out of reach?

Fortunately the Vikings have an easy schedule, so this should be a lot more fun and less torturous to watch than a lot of last season. And if the answer to these questions turns out to be no, no, no, no and yes, Joe Dowling will be directing The Importance of Being Earnest, a spectacular comedy, a couple blocks away. Maybe that will take the edge off if the Bears record another album.

Eagles 26 - 14 Vikings

What happened to the O-line? They couldn't get a push in the running game, and eventually on every passing play the Eagles pinned their ears back and blitzed the whole house. With Peterson unable to get anything consistent going in the ground game and the Tardis unable to ever connect find a dump-off receiver over the middle, there was nothing to slow that blitz down, and it got ugly.

Not as ugly as the Eagles fans, many of whom had to be removed by the Minneapolis Police Department. No you can't throw your beer at a woman and stay to watch the second half. And I had to love the guy who got arrested but wanted to finish his beer before being cuffed. When the cop arresting him snatched the bottle out of his hand before marching him out with beer all over his face, she got the most applause of anyone in uniform that day. Classy bunch, especially the guy in the bathroom wearing a Harold Carmichael jersey yelling at the kid in front of him for taking too long at the urinal. Not just classy but also a real smart move in a bathroom packed shoulder to shoulder full of Vikings fans, to start hassling at a teenager who hasn't done anything to you.

The better team won, and really it couldn't have happened to a worse group of fans... even more mean drunks than the Brewers. I hope you all get pounded in the ass by the Giants next week (and not the good way).

Lions achieve historic perfect season

Many years ago some of the wiser heads of the National Football League including commissioner Paul Tagliabue and New York Football Giants owner Wellington Mara (whose granddaughter was that hot redhead at the end of Brokeback Mountain) started moving towards a more balanced league in which all 32 teams, from any size media market, had the possibility of putting together a Superbowl contender. Keeping football interesting across the country would get everybody a slice of a bigger pie and insure the NFL dominated the American sports scene every fall. Since then, many dominant franchises have crumbled, and nobody has stayed at the top for long, as even the Patriots can be beaten.

However, this year the Detroit Lions have finally done what was previously considered unpossible, and put together a season so inept that they couldn't find a single team to rise to the challenge of playing worse football than the Lions. Sixteen straight losses, something no NFL team has ever achieved in a single season. If the Lions can build on their ineptness through the draft and use the #1 pick on a disruptive headcase who will hold out on signing a contract until November and prevent them from signing any of their other rookies or free agents, they could get the 9 straight losses they'd need next season to tie the '76-'77 Buccaneers record 26 game losing streak and be assured of their place in history.

All kidding aside, why leagues continues to tolerate franchises that contribute so little to the quality of their product is baffling. And to be fair and not pick on Detroit, I said the same about the Twins teams of the mid to late 90's that wanted public money for a new stadium to showcase a glorified AAA team. But yikes, 0-16 and you haven't burned the stadium down yet?

"Wake up motherf***er, it's our ball!", or Vikings 12-10 Lions

Well that was certainly bizarre. Really, really bizarre. The Vikings beat the Lions in a game that at one point had most people around me thinking the Vikings might hold onto their 2-0 lead to win the game, unless a second half field goal by Detroit allowed them to squeak out with a 3-2 road win. When the Vikings entire scoring output consisted of Dan Orlovsky running a bootleg out the back of his own end zone (and still looking for an open receiver when he realized the Vikings pass rushers were already celebrating) I must admit I began to lose hope.

Both times the Vikings got a first down in field goal range after a big play, my dad sardonically suggested kicking a field goal then rather than trying to score a TD, and it was really sad that he was proved right when Adrian Peterson's fumble ended their first real scoring drive, and they later penalized themselves back out of field goal range (leading to a blocked kick). The Vikings only TD came when Bernard Berrian broke one open and didn't give the OC a chance to overthink things and choke. Facing 3rd and 20 in your opponent's half of the field, it's kind of clever to call in a running play to try and set up a field goal rather than go for a difficult first down. It's less clever when you telegraph it by putting in 2 tight ends and a fullback to block for him, and don't even send the receiver deep to pull off the safeties or anything.

I have no idea how the Vikings won this game committing so many offensive penalties and turnign the ball over three times, but somehow they did, partly because our defense was driving their skill position players into the ground like they were using them to build a fence. I would occasionally wonder why our d-backs could give a receiver so much room to catch a pass and get up to full speed in open space, until I'd see a linebacker and safety converge to high-low the guy and basically rip him in half. Somebody behind me set the tone for the game when a Calvin Johnson made a big catch, took two steps before disappearing into a purple Charybdis (thank you Oddysseus now go to Ithica) while Ben Leber picked up the live ball that came squirting out. As the trainers attended to limp, motionless heap that Ray Edwards and Ben Leber left on the field where Johnson had been standing, one of the drunks behind me shouted, "Wake up motherfucker, it's our ball!!"

Up next: Da Bearss, in that giant toilet bowl somebody left on Museum Campus Drive

Start spreadin' da news...

I told you all Brett Favre would not stay retired. (Next time pay attention!) After publicly carrying on for years about his imminent retirement and enjoying about five farewell tours while the Packers groomed his replacement for about three years, the Packers finally asked Favre "Are you really retiring this time? Really? So would you say that's like 95 percent sure, or only 75? You're really leaving this time, no backsies?" and he finally retired. Until summer. The Packers were so unexcited about the QB controversy that they offered him $25m to stay retired. Favre showed up to training camp anyways. Packers fans held a candlelight vigil at his home, and one of the most media-savvy players in pro sports turned on the charm, and the Packers finally accepted that Favre was back in the NFL... so they traded him.

Favre will play for the New York Jets next year, which I hear isn't as bad as it sounds since they massively overhauled their previously horrid roster. But even if he has one more superbowl run in him, I doubt it's with the J-E-T-S. Which is too bad, because I used to know a Jets fan inside and out, until she became a Raiders fan and I realized I didn't know her so well. It wasn't just about football, I also really am just about the most horrible person to fall in love with... find somebody who has something nice to say about the whole experience and I'll send you free theater tickets. Someday I hope to be able to separate love and sex from despair and annihilation, and most importantly from football. But I digress.

The Jets get Favre, Green Bay gets a conditional draft pick, probably a 3rd rounder unless Favre falls flat on his face. If New York, New York make the playoffs with Favre at the helm, it improves to a second rounder, and potentially the 31st pick if Favre was to lead them to the Superbowl. As expected, the trade also stipulates that should Favre be traded to a certain purple and gold rival, the Jets must forfeit three first round draft picks to the Packers, which should ensure that Favre will never ever play another game at the Metrodome. Despite the gnashing of teeth in the Chicago and Minnesota sports media, there is no freaking way the Packers were going to risk Favre coming back to their stadium in another uniform, and the trade conditions clinch that. Frankly I'm so sick of all the drama that surrounds him every year, I'm glad that as far as the Vikings are concerned, he might as well be retired. Bring on Aaron Rodgers.

Vikings Draft Errata

I would be remiss not to correct a couple errors and just general wishful thinking:

1. The Vikings vanishing 7th round pick

The Vikings traded their 7th round pick to the Packers in order to move up in the 5th round and take QB John David Booty. That's interesting to me, that they had their eye on him enough to be monkeying around with the Packers to be sure they got their guy. I doubt Booty slips away to the practice squad, and despite Childress talking about keeping 4 QB's, I hope they just cut Bollinger loose after training camp so I don't have to watch him getting sacked on the first play of every drive.

2. The Vikings do have a glaring hole besides wide receiver, and that's offensive tackle. Ryan Cook was not too impressive on the right side, and Bryant McKinnie's recent arrest makes it possible they'll be completely without a left tackle. Not having a tackle covering his blind side makes it more likely Tavaris Jackson will convincingly dub a Nicholas Cage movie into Cantonese than successfully get a pass off. Hopefully there's some sort of plan in place, otherwise I want Bollinger to start next year... if we're going to get a QB killed, it should definitely be him.

2008 Vikings Draft

This draft was a quiet one for the Vikings, because despite entering with eight picks (four on each day) they traded way most of their early picks. Here's what they got:

Trade - DE Jared Allen

The Vikings traded their first round pick and two third round picks to the Chefs for former Idaho State Bengal and 4 year NFL veteran Jared Allen, who has accumulated 43 sacks and 2 DUIs in his career so far, including 15.5 sacks last season alone (and no DUIs). The nonexistent pass rush really was the Achilles Heel of last year's Vikings defense who found getting to the QB late in games to be more difficult than dubbing Nicholas Cage movies into Cantonese, so Allen could make a huge impact on the right end. If Ray Edwards can slide over to left end the Vikings could remain tough against the run while seriously improving their pass defense.

This trade has been controversial given Allen's alcohol abuse and the high price the Vikings paid, but given the poor development of all the mid-1st round defensive ends the Vikings have taken the last few years, trading up or trading for a veteran was a must. The other glaring position of need for the Vikings has been at receiver where the team hasn't had anybody who could beat single coverage since trading away Randy Moss in 2005. Since no receivers were drafted in the 1st round, the receiving class was obviously too thin to use a first round pick there.

2nd round - FS Tyrell Johnson

With Darren Sharper not getting any younger and Dwight Smith parking his car in the middle of 4th St to partake of the Good Herb, the Vikings secondary certainly needed depth, and a replacement for Smith. Johnson was a strong presence in college who could crash the line of scrimmage, and also set conference records for interception return yardage. He's tough and speedy, and could potentially work out at either safety spot or cornerback. Plus in college he was a Red Wolf, how Minnesota is that? The Vikings swapped a 4th rounder for a 5th rounder to move up in the 2nd round and get Johnson.

Rounds 5, 6, & 7

They say an NFL team is built with 2nd-4th round draft picks, and the Vikings traded away two 3rd rounders and a 4th rounder to secure Allen and Johnson, so this is definitely a light draft. Starting in the 5th round, teams start to gamble, and while a 5th rounder is expected to survive training camp (even if he may never pan out) a 6th round draft pick generally has some glaring shortcomings and may never make the team, although many 6th rounders go on to become superstar players. A 7th rounder is a warm body for drills in training camp. All that being said, John Randle and Robrt Griffith were both undersized defenders who got invites to Vikings training camps after going undrafted and later went to the Pro Bowl, so a smart team that knows where to dig can find some buried pirate treasure in later rounds.

5th Round - DT Letroy Guion & QB John David Booty

So of course with their first 5th round pick the Vikings picked up a QB named Booty ("Hey professor, what's another word for pirate treasure?") who while not exactly eye-popping, could develop into solid back-up. He is an accurate passer suited to the short crossing routes favored in the West Coast Offense that Brad Childress claims he's running (even if he does constantly have receivers stopping and coming back for the ball). On the other hand if he rises above the practice squad or #3 QB in the next couple of years, the Vikings have some serious problems.

Defensive tackle (those are the guys who play in the middle) Letroy Guion didn't start too many games at Florida State, but he was productive in a good program with a tough schedule. Weighing in at over 300 lbs (that's ~138 kilos for those of you who've been living in Europe too long) he's not too quick but reportedly changes direction quickly enough to find routes into the backfield, and given the Vikings need for pass rushers, I'm willing to give a shot to a guy who got 12.5 sacks off the bench for the Seminoles last year. Hopefully he could be depth at under tackle or come in on passing downs.

6th Round - C John Sullivan & WR Jaymar Johnson

I have no idea what Notre Dame center John Sullivan has going for him other than he supposedly has the smarts to play center if not the build. The Vikings current center was a late round pick with a Harvard degree, so maybe smarts are underrated for the guys who have to know the playbook well enough to call out blocking assignments at the line of scrimmage, and every play begins with the O-line forming a wall or opening up a lane. On the other hand Birk an pull out from the middle of the line and come charging around the end to surprise the fuck out of a linebacker on a screen or a sweep. Nevertheless, I'll be interested to know what Sullivan brings to the table other than an intimate familiarity with Touchdown Jesus.

Jaymar Johnson will require a lot of work on the practice field and in the weight room, because in the pros he can't just outrun everybody like he did at Jackson State. The Vikings desperately need receivers, so opportunities will certainly arise as a return man or 4th wide-out on a roster that features such luminaries as Bobby Wade, Bernard Berrian, Sidney Rice, and Aundrae Allison ahead of him. (Actually I have high hopes for Rice and Allison in their second year).

And that's the 2008 Vikings draft, which accomplished the following goals:

1. Developing a pass rush - Jared Allen could be a game changer
2. Keeping the secondary from crumbling - Tyrell Johnson could be a strong addition
3. Depth on the D-line, O-line, at receiver, and QB

The glaring problems that remain:

1. Quarterback
The quarterback situation is still a mess, and Booty isn't going to change that. The Tardis needs to get a lot better and the team needs to get a veteran in the #2 slot who can help him learn. I can only hope Hopefully Gus Frerotte is that guy.

2. Wide Receiver
Somebody's got to step up and give Jackson a target on the sidelines, crossing the middle, or downfield, because as much we all like finding a tight end and going deep, TE Visanthe Shiancoe and the backs shouldn't be the only passing options. Adding Jaymar Johnson won't help that, but hopefully Berrian will have a break-out year, more likely the continued development of Sidney Rice could help a lot and the speed of Aundrae Allison could add another option.

Overall, I'm optimistic. I like the Tardis and I have some hopes that a steadier hand behind him will make a difference as will the presence of some targets to throw to, and everybody will have learned a bit from last year. For the receivers, I'm definitely going long on Rice futures (as soon as anybody from the rice pit at the CME gets back from their six martini lunch and takes my call) and a single reliable option would be 1000% more than the Tardis had last year. Add that to a tremendous running game and a defense without the glaring deficiency against the pass late in games, and the Vikings should be back in the play-offs, hopefully as a division winner.

Apparently I'm not the only one pissed about Eli Manning going to the Superbowl

John Randle training video

It's been ten years since this commercial came out, but I still think it's funny. And I love that John Randle does his arts and crafts work in uniform.

Redskins 32 - 21 Vikings

I'm only going to say one thing about this game. The guy sitting right behind me was an irritating loudmouth drunk with verbal diarrhea and no ability to control the volume of his voice, and after railing on for hours and sticking his knees in my back, he was trying to make a grand gesture and whacked me in the head. At the is point, the guy sitting next to me who is usually pretty mild-mannered finally lost it, turned around and told him "It would be easier to listen to if you were a Redskins fan, you know that? You keep talking, you're analyzing every damn play, why don't you put on a headset and broadcast it for us? And you don't know shit about football, or the slightest fucking thing about the Vikings! You either need to stop drinking or shut the fuck up! If there are kids around, I'm sorry for swearing... but fucking shut up already! Just shut up! I can't take it anymore, shut the fuck up!" This was followed by polite applause from me (and I noticed several others) and a long, stunned silence from the row behind us, and then one of the drunk's buddies quietly added with a smirk, "And a Merry Christmas to you, too." That was the highlight of the game... and that really says it all.

Who to root for this week

With the Vikings on the verge of a play-off spot, here's who to root for:

Panthers over Cowboys
Really I don't care as much about a potential Vikings-Packers second round rematch as I do clinching a play-off spot, and eliminating the Panthers means one less set of footsteps padding up behind the Vikings. Plus if the Giants continue to collapse, the Vikings can make Packer fans nervous by winning the top wild card spot, so I'm tempted to root for the Cowboys. On the other hand, if the Cowboys stay hungry, they'll give a tougher game to the Redskins in their final game, and I'm more worried about them than the Panthers who still have the Buccaneers to finish them off. So basically I'll vote for nobody getting any rest and root for the Panthers.

Eagles over Saints
While the Eagles hold tie-breakers over the Vikings, the Saints and Redskins are the only realistic threat to overtake the Vikings. I really want to see the Saints lose an NFC conference game and make it impossible for them to control their own destiny (I'll check common opponent tie-breakers later).

Bills over Giants
Personally I always root for the Giants to lose ($#*@'ing Manning) but if they lose one more game this season, the Vikings control their own destiny and can win out to get the top wild card spot (it's good to hold the tie-breaker).

Packers over Bears
It's always good to see the Packers lose, and I doubt they'll catch the Cowboys anyways, but it's better to keep the Packers and Cowboys heavily invested in the regular season, and the Packers need to win for that to happen. If the Cowboys are worried about the Packers, they'll play their starters against the Redskins, possibly bailing out the Vikings (should they blow it Sunday night) and I want our potential second round opponents to have as few weeks off as possible. Plus I hate both teams, so I want to see them upset by the Seahawks or Buccaneers, so the more tired and beat up they are the better.

Buccaneers vs 49ers
Ravens vs Seahawks
I think the Buccaneers are a dead lock to beat the lowly 49ers, so I'm rooting for the Seahawks to win as well and keep the pressure up in week 16 for who gets the easier draw (warm weather vs cold, amongst other things). Really I just don't want the Bucs and Seahawks resting starters in week 17.

Vikings over Redskins
Beat the Redskins, and only the Saints can survive (and only if they beat the Eagles). For the Vikings the play-offs start this week, and they have to beat the Redskins or hope the Cowboys and Bears get them get the back door. And I know a certain Viking fan in Near North is always up for a little ride'em cowboy backdoor action with a Chicago bear, but we really still want to beat the Redskins.