I can't decide if the movie I'm watching is bad, but I think I may have detected some slight danger signs. On the one hand, it is a direct to video slasher movie, always a good sign. And one of the cast had her work on percolation and Gibbs states multiplicity for ferromagnetic Ashkin-Teller models in a peer reviewed journal, in addition to her other book convincing girls not to pretend to be stupid until they aren't cute anymore. If somebody who's taken on the gargantuan job of making attractive women less disengaged and boring, it can't be that bad, can it?
I also couldn't help but notice an odd sound effect, and I'm not sure if this says more about me or the movie. I'm only twenty minutes in, and there's a scene where this group of kids is a bit alarmed by somebody's hunting trophies, these snarling animal heads mounted on the walls of the bedroom he offers them, and the film-makers thought they'd add some animal snarls and grunts to the shots of the animal heads in case we didn't get it. Here's the thing... one of them was a sound effect from Doom. Not the movie, the original game from like 15 years ago. It's the kind of hissing snarl the fireball guys make when they first become aware of you and start moving. And I'm thinking if some old shareware copy of Doom was in the effects budget, that may not be a good sign. More on this story as it develops.
Monday, March 31, 2008
A Bit of Film and Theater, featuring bits of Michael Gondry and bits of Wendy Wasserstein*
Be Kind Rewind
After reading Nobo's sweded review, I had to see this movie to find out what "sweded" meant, and it was enjoyable research. I haven't laughed as hard in a long time as I did at some of the sight gags in Be Kind Rewind. For those of you who didn't catch the extraordinarily self-explanatory trailer, this film is about a couple of guys in a Passaic, NJ video store who, after accidentally destroying their whole inventory, start filming their own 20-minute versions of movies to rent to customers.
It's not only hilarious, but also makes a running commentary on several ideas surrounding the film industry. Very briefly amongst all the Jack Black posturing and Mos Def mumbling and bumbling the film will slip in a question, like is what these guys are doing only miming (badly) the work of others or are they making creative decisions? Do they deserve 3 billion dollars in civil penalties for copyright infringement, or have they really hurt anybody, and who do these stories belong to once they've been so blended into pop culture? Interestingly, the film never lingers over any of these questions and never really finds a meaningful conclusion to any of its various potential subplots, except maybe one.
The closest it comes is in the homemade film about Fats Waller that intersperses much of the action in Be Kind Rewind, a short film that becomes so untethered from Fats Waller and from history in general, and falls so short of its intended purpose that we're left wondering what the point of it was. But there is a meaning to that little homemade film: when everything in the theaters is a 10th generation copy that can be boiled down to a one-sheet and a couple scenes to stick in a trailer, why not get off the couch and make your own movie? Create your own content, be part of building something rather than consuming and buying copies. Yeah, you're probably not going to change the world or even save the video store, but it's still a lot more fun than Transfomers.
Third
The unwillingness of Be Kind Rewind to pursue a line of thought until it could be nailed to a particular conclusion really reminded me of one of the best plays I've read and seen in the last year. (This year it was 1776, The Home Place, and Third that I wish could run forever until everybody I knew could see them or maybe just until Benjamin Franklin sprained his ankle jumping over Richard Henry Lee's whip in their big dance number.) The play is about a middle-agd feminist professor who collides with a young student, nicknamed "Third", over his analysis of King Lear, and that's the great thing about both Third and Be Kind Rewind: I can tell you the problem that forces people into conflict or into action, but that isn't what either work is really about.
I could write a book about Third, because there are so many different ways to attack Wendy Wasserstein's final play, but part of the point is Third is everything that Professor Laurie Jameson and the other people around her are not. He's young and vital where Laurie's body is reminding her she's old enough to have two adult children, and her father's mind is fading fast while her best friend is quietly succumbing to cancer. He's a white man born in the 80's who doesn't resent the man or remember any of the various revolutions in academia and culture that formed her character. And most of all in an environment of people trying to redefine themselves and sharpen that identity to an edge that will slice apart the dominant memes around them, Third actually likes who he is.
The indefinable nature of the play is also why I loved the Guthrie's production, because it was so different from what I envisioned. Third was more social than I read him, and Laurie less angst-ridden and more witty. And it was so unbelievably beautiful. As I'm sure I've raved about before, the set was a white box onto which all of the sets were projected, while furniture slid in front, occasionally with Sally Wingert seductively draped across it. The scene of Laurie finding her senile father disoriented and out in the rain, with these gorgeous moving projections of nautical charts behind them, it was an absolutely beautiful scene where they both blessedly regress a bit, dancing in the rain. As his light fades, Jack isn't entirely sure who he's dancing with, but he excitedly tells her all about his beautiful daughter Laurie, who's so smart and looks just like Marilyn Monroe. Laurie the commanding professor, embattled mother and cultural warrior goes back to be her father's darling child for a few more minutes in the rain, and even lets him lead.
Playing the rapidly fading Jack Jameson was Raye Birk, actor and educator with a host of film, television and theater credits, for instance he delivered the mail at Cheers (the bar wasn't on Cliffie's route). Sally Wingert and Angela Timberman brought a very different energy to Professor Jameson and her ill friend Professor Gordon, but the two characters who were practically all-new when I saw them on-stage were Tony Clarno's Third and Emily Gunyou Halaas who brought a strange name and a very natural presence to the role of Laurie's daughter Emily, whose failure to emerge as a rebellious bisexual vegetarian driven to found her own ecotopia is a major disappointment to her mother.
I can only hope more theaters decide to share this play with the world, because that was just a brilliant show. Topping the job Casey Stangl (one of the few women directing in the theater) did bringing it to the Guthrie stage would be harder than dubbing Nicholas Cage into Cantonese, but I hope people continue to try. Five years after its premiere, the atmosphere of this play set in the run-up to the Iraq War with the Blue State-Red State simplified political map waiting in the wings seems even more relevant, and more insightful with hindsight. Just so long as they don't make a movie and cast Gwyneth Paltrow playing Laurie as a teenager afraid to raise her hand in class, with lower lip in full quiver. (Not that anybody would do that or anything.)
*--Title of this post shamelessly borrowed from "A Bit of Fry and Laurie", which proudly advertised itself as having bits of Hugh Laurie and bits of Stephen Fry, with pictures of their ears and noses and other "bits" in the opening credits. And that was damned funny as well.
After reading Nobo's sweded review, I had to see this movie to find out what "sweded" meant, and it was enjoyable research. I haven't laughed as hard in a long time as I did at some of the sight gags in Be Kind Rewind. For those of you who didn't catch the extraordinarily self-explanatory trailer, this film is about a couple of guys in a Passaic, NJ video store who, after accidentally destroying their whole inventory, start filming their own 20-minute versions of movies to rent to customers.
It's not only hilarious, but also makes a running commentary on several ideas surrounding the film industry. Very briefly amongst all the Jack Black posturing and Mos Def mumbling and bumbling the film will slip in a question, like is what these guys are doing only miming (badly) the work of others or are they making creative decisions? Do they deserve 3 billion dollars in civil penalties for copyright infringement, or have they really hurt anybody, and who do these stories belong to once they've been so blended into pop culture? Interestingly, the film never lingers over any of these questions and never really finds a meaningful conclusion to any of its various potential subplots, except maybe one.
The closest it comes is in the homemade film about Fats Waller that intersperses much of the action in Be Kind Rewind, a short film that becomes so untethered from Fats Waller and from history in general, and falls so short of its intended purpose that we're left wondering what the point of it was. But there is a meaning to that little homemade film: when everything in the theaters is a 10th generation copy that can be boiled down to a one-sheet and a couple scenes to stick in a trailer, why not get off the couch and make your own movie? Create your own content, be part of building something rather than consuming and buying copies. Yeah, you're probably not going to change the world or even save the video store, but it's still a lot more fun than Transfomers.
Third
The unwillingness of Be Kind Rewind to pursue a line of thought until it could be nailed to a particular conclusion really reminded me of one of the best plays I've read and seen in the last year. (This year it was 1776, The Home Place, and Third that I wish could run forever until everybody I knew could see them or maybe just until Benjamin Franklin sprained his ankle jumping over Richard Henry Lee's whip in their big dance number.) The play is about a middle-agd feminist professor who collides with a young student, nicknamed "Third", over his analysis of King Lear, and that's the great thing about both Third and Be Kind Rewind: I can tell you the problem that forces people into conflict or into action, but that isn't what either work is really about.
I could write a book about Third, because there are so many different ways to attack Wendy Wasserstein's final play, but part of the point is Third is everything that Professor Laurie Jameson and the other people around her are not. He's young and vital where Laurie's body is reminding her she's old enough to have two adult children, and her father's mind is fading fast while her best friend is quietly succumbing to cancer. He's a white man born in the 80's who doesn't resent the man or remember any of the various revolutions in academia and culture that formed her character. And most of all in an environment of people trying to redefine themselves and sharpen that identity to an edge that will slice apart the dominant memes around them, Third actually likes who he is.
The indefinable nature of the play is also why I loved the Guthrie's production, because it was so different from what I envisioned. Third was more social than I read him, and Laurie less angst-ridden and more witty. And it was so unbelievably beautiful. As I'm sure I've raved about before, the set was a white box onto which all of the sets were projected, while furniture slid in front, occasionally with Sally Wingert seductively draped across it. The scene of Laurie finding her senile father disoriented and out in the rain, with these gorgeous moving projections of nautical charts behind them, it was an absolutely beautiful scene where they both blessedly regress a bit, dancing in the rain. As his light fades, Jack isn't entirely sure who he's dancing with, but he excitedly tells her all about his beautiful daughter Laurie, who's so smart and looks just like Marilyn Monroe. Laurie the commanding professor, embattled mother and cultural warrior goes back to be her father's darling child for a few more minutes in the rain, and even lets him lead.
Playing the rapidly fading Jack Jameson was Raye Birk, actor and educator with a host of film, television and theater credits, for instance he delivered the mail at Cheers (the bar wasn't on Cliffie's route). Sally Wingert and Angela Timberman brought a very different energy to Professor Jameson and her ill friend Professor Gordon, but the two characters who were practically all-new when I saw them on-stage were Tony Clarno's Third and Emily Gunyou Halaas who brought a strange name and a very natural presence to the role of Laurie's daughter Emily, whose failure to emerge as a rebellious bisexual vegetarian driven to found her own ecotopia is a major disappointment to her mother.
I can only hope more theaters decide to share this play with the world, because that was just a brilliant show. Topping the job Casey Stangl (one of the few women directing in the theater) did bringing it to the Guthrie stage would be harder than dubbing Nicholas Cage into Cantonese, but I hope people continue to try. Five years after its premiere, the atmosphere of this play set in the run-up to the Iraq War with the Blue State-Red State simplified political map waiting in the wings seems even more relevant, and more insightful with hindsight. Just so long as they don't make a movie and cast Gwyneth Paltrow playing Laurie as a teenager afraid to raise her hand in class, with lower lip in full quiver. (Not that anybody would do that or anything.)
*--Title of this post shamelessly borrowed from "A Bit of Fry and Laurie", which proudly advertised itself as having bits of Hugh Laurie and bits of Stephen Fry, with pictures of their ears and noses and other "bits" in the opening credits. And that was damned funny as well.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
I put on my robe and wizard hat
For those still confused about why you don't cyber with strangers for World of Warcraft gold, I think this is illustrative. I don't know who wrote it, and the other link I had to a readable version (without magenta text) is dead, so I'm just reprinting it. Because this still makes me laugh. And he's right: you really can't hurry good pizza.
bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty Fuck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't fuck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of shit.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?
************************
bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.
j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli3: thats it.
bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.
************************
BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh Shit
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh Shit
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something
************************
bloodninja: I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.
Sarah19fca: mmmm, okay.
bloodninja: I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll.
Sarah19fca: Yeah I like it rough.
bloodninja: I smack you thick booty.
Sarah19fca: Oh yeah, that feels good.
bloodninja: Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.
bloodninja: I make some toast and eat it off your ass. Land O' Lakes butter all in your crack. Mmmm.
Sarah19fca: you like that?
bloodninja: I peel some bananas.
Sarah19fca: Oh, what are you gonna do with those?
bloodninja: get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.
Sarah19fca: Peanuts?
bloodninja: Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.
Sarah19fca: What are you talking about?
bloodninja: I'm spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I throw rocks at the cats.
Sarah19fca: This is stupid.
bloodninja: Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer.
bloodninja: Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?
bloodninja: Yeeaahhhh.
Sarah19fca: /ignore
bloodninja: Its cool stone cold she was a bitch anyway.
bloodninja: We get on harleys and ride into the sunset.
************************
bloodninja:Wanna cyber?
DirtyKate:OK, but don't tell anybody ;-)
DirtyKate:Who are you?
bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
bloodninja:And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate:You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
bloodninja:Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate:Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
bloodninja:Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate:I want everything, baby!
bloodninja:Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate:Umm...Yes
DirtyKate:So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
bloodninja:Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
**pause**
DirtyKate:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
bloodninja:You can't hurry good pizza.
bloodninja:I'm on my way now though
**pause**
DirtyKate:So you're at my front door now.
bloodninja:How did you know?
bloodninja:I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
bloodninja:Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKate:Oooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
bloodninja:So you're still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate:Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
bloodninja:I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
DirtyKate:What the fuck?
DirtyKate:You perverted piece of shit
DirtyKate:Fuck
bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty Fuck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't fuck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of shit.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?
************************
bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.
j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli3: thats it.
bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.
************************
BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh Shit
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh Shit
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something
************************
bloodninja: I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.
Sarah19fca: mmmm, okay.
bloodninja: I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll.
Sarah19fca: Yeah I like it rough.
bloodninja: I smack you thick booty.
Sarah19fca: Oh yeah, that feels good.
bloodninja: Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.
bloodninja: I make some toast and eat it off your ass. Land O' Lakes butter all in your crack. Mmmm.
Sarah19fca: you like that?
bloodninja: I peel some bananas.
Sarah19fca: Oh, what are you gonna do with those?
bloodninja: get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.
Sarah19fca: Peanuts?
bloodninja: Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.
Sarah19fca: What are you talking about?
bloodninja: I'm spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I throw rocks at the cats.
Sarah19fca: This is stupid.
bloodninja: Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer.
bloodninja: Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?
bloodninja: Yeeaahhhh.
Sarah19fca: /ignore
bloodninja: Its cool stone cold she was a bitch anyway.
bloodninja: We get on harleys and ride into the sunset.
************************
bloodninja:Wanna cyber?
DirtyKate:OK, but don't tell anybody ;-)
DirtyKate:Who are you?
bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
bloodninja:And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate:You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
bloodninja:Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate:Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
bloodninja:Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate:I want everything, baby!
bloodninja:Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate:Umm...Yes
DirtyKate:So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
bloodninja:Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
**pause**
DirtyKate:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
bloodninja:You can't hurry good pizza.
bloodninja:I'm on my way now though
**pause**
DirtyKate:So you're at my front door now.
bloodninja:How did you know?
bloodninja:I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
bloodninja:Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKate:Oooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
bloodninja:So you're still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate:Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
bloodninja:I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
DirtyKate:What the fuck?
DirtyKate:You perverted piece of shit
DirtyKate:Fuck
Monday, March 17, 2008
PAPAIA Sample Questions
For an MBA to become a VP without running afoul of the SEC or the CFTC and going MIA in Cell Block D he or she needs to do more than sit around sipping VT’s and reading the FT, you need to pass the P.A.P.A.I.A. (that isn’t as dirty as it sounds). That test is harder than DNCn2C*, so keep this on the QT but here are some sample questions I dug up for any BMOC thinking they can knock that thing out EZ:
1. When assets under management for a single client grow greater than $10m, the client should receive:
a. A free toaster
b. An updated copy of IRS form I69
c. A hand job
d. All of the above
2. What does 2 and 20 refer to?
a. 2% management fee, 20% incentive fee
b. The Spitzer Limit: more than 2 hookers and 20 lines of coke is overkill
c. CDO^2 = square your CDO for 20 times the losses
d. 200% management fee, 20% incentive fee
3. A statistical distribution with long tails is characteristic of:
a. Leptokurtosis
b. Platykurtosis
c. Necrokurtosis
d. Kurthawkosis
4. Reporting only years with high returns is an example of:
a. Selection bias
b. Sound marketing
c. Bullshit artist bias
d. All of the above
5. An example of zero-risk investment is:
a. US treasury bonds
b. Inflation-adjusted US treasury bonds
c. Nazi gold in a vault in Zurich
d. A house with no flood insurance (housing prices always go up, right?)
6. When Goldfinger threatened to irradiate all the gold in Fort Knox, this was:
a. A hedge
b. Volatility arbitrage
c. Still less risky than shorting CROX
d. Page 16 of the Bear-Stearns employee handbook
7. Primary risks of the carry trade include:
a. Exchange rate fluctuations
b. Your dumb friend who won’t shut up about the Big Mac Index
c. Yellow Fever mixed with Montezuma’s Revenge
d. Waking up in the middle of the night and realizing you have no tangible assets and you’re counting on sleazy guys in fake Versace shirts paying you enough rubles to keep a bunch of stressed out guys with samurai swords on the wall from going all Katsumoto on your ass
8. A regression with high F-stat and a low p-value (below .05) means:
a. 95% of the chicks you fuck with will only do “everything but”
b. All independent variables are statistically significant
c. There is less than a 5% chance you know what the F-stat option b) means
d. Something about Roman coins
9. Commodities trades in the US are regulated by which agency?
a. The SEC
b. The Commodity Futures Trading Commission
c. The Bureau of Printing and Engraving
d. The FAA (because at the first sign of trouble I’m on the next plane)
10. Making the last person out of a cab pay the fare is known as:
a. Nimbleness incentive fee
b. Leveraging the middle traunch
c. The Canary Wharf Cut and Wun
d. Bitch seat arbitrage
Scoring: For every question you answered a, b, c, or d, deduct one point, as the correct answer is "OMG who gives a fuck?" In question 10, extra credit for diving out the window before the cab comes to a complete stop.
*-Dubbing Nicholas Cage into Cantonese
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Annoying Euro2008 Update: The Draw
The draw for the Euro'08 Finals in Switzerland and Austria is complete, and wow, does Europe ever need to do some research on the concept of seeding. Group C was always going to be a beast because of the top seeds that had to go to weak hosts Switzerland and Austria and defending champions Greece, so the was guaranteed to have two of the top five teams in Europe in it, but UEFA went a little overboard, putting the finalists of the last World Cup (France and Italy) together again, and Holland as a third seed. Clasping their heads in their hands and looking skyward to ask "What have we done to deserve this fate?" are Romania, who will find qualifying out of that group more difficult than dubbing Nicholas Cage into Cantonese.
This conveniently groups the headquarters of three of the five Romance languages together so all the hooligans will understand each other. Presumably since they couldn't squeeze in one of the Iberian teams they threw in the Dutch who speak five languages and smoke marijuana, and have a hooligan army ready to spring out of a windmill at a moment's notice. Sales of French-Dutch pocket dictionaries in Den Haag have gone through the roof... everything through practice!
Germany gets the easiest group in my opinion, although they do get their old friensd the Poles in a neutral field rematch. The Germans decided previously decided to schedule their Germany'06 match as far west from Poland as possible... like Pennsylvania. Rounding out that group are Austria and Croatia.
Switzerland has a couple decent opponents in Portugal and the Czech Republic, and any of those three could advance. I wouldn't disregard the Turks either, so the Swiss could be back to stacking gold bars and snorting blow off Martina Hingis in the first week.
Greece have the advantage of the "No Home Field Advantage" group drawn from the farthest corners of Europe: Greece in the south, Russia in the east, Spain in the west, and Sweden in the north. Spain is pretty good in the early rounds before crumpling against their first competent opponent (and occasionally squeezing past a minnow like Ireland on PK's) but the Swedes have a few tricks like the ninja skills of Zlatan Ibrahimovic, the Russians are still looking to make a mark on the international scene in the post-Evil Empire era, and the counter-attacking Greeks are always ready to roll out a trojan and fuck somebody.
And if you really want to know more about Euro'08 or qualification, I still say Peter Godfrey's site is the best for results: http://www.eofl.co.uk/eu2008
This conveniently groups the headquarters of three of the five Romance languages together so all the hooligans will understand each other. Presumably since they couldn't squeeze in one of the Iberian teams they threw in the Dutch who speak five languages and smoke marijuana, and have a hooligan army ready to spring out of a windmill at a moment's notice. Sales of French-Dutch pocket dictionaries in Den Haag have gone through the roof... everything through practice!
Germany gets the easiest group in my opinion, although they do get their old friensd the Poles in a neutral field rematch. The Germans decided previously decided to schedule their Germany'06 match as far west from Poland as possible... like Pennsylvania. Rounding out that group are Austria and Croatia.
Switzerland has a couple decent opponents in Portugal and the Czech Republic, and any of those three could advance. I wouldn't disregard the Turks either, so the Swiss could be back to stacking gold bars and snorting blow off Martina Hingis in the first week.
Greece have the advantage of the "No Home Field Advantage" group drawn from the farthest corners of Europe: Greece in the south, Russia in the east, Spain in the west, and Sweden in the north. Spain is pretty good in the early rounds before crumpling against their first competent opponent (and occasionally squeezing past a minnow like Ireland on PK's) but the Swedes have a few tricks like the ninja skills of Zlatan Ibrahimovic, the Russians are still looking to make a mark on the international scene in the post-Evil Empire era, and the counter-attacking Greeks are always ready to roll out a trojan and fuck somebody.
And if you really want to know more about Euro'08 or qualification, I still say Peter Godfrey's site is the best for results: http://www.eofl.co.uk/eu2008
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Annoying 2008 Election Update: Ohio and Texass
The Clinton firewall strategy worked, sort of. Senator Clinton won the Ohio Primary by a signficant margin which is actually a big deal given the importance of Ohio as a swing state, and the Rhode Island Primary, while Obama won in Vermont. In Texas, it's a bit less clear. Clinton won the primary that assigned two thirds of all delegates while Obama has a lead in the caucuses that started after the primaries, however the precinct caucuses in Texas were such a mess that many didn't get started until 11pm, and only 40% have even bothered to call in and tell anyone the results. Technically the results aren't official until the end of the month when Texas has its senate district conventions, but unofficial results were suppposed to be called in to the state party... I don't know if these people don't have email or if they're still waiting for the weekly train that delivers the mail to west Texas.
Here's the bottom line: Hillary Clinton didn't deliver a crushing blow in Ohio, and she barely won the Texas primary and lost the caucus, which means she won't pick up that many delegates or cut into Barack Obama's lead. At this point, she would have to win every remaining contest 70-30 to finish with more pledged delegates than Senator Obama, and that isn't going to happen, Democrats are too evenly divided to all break for her. Even if she can't win the remaining primaries, here's a reminder of all the ways she has to get more delegates and effectively steal the nomination, plus one new one:
1. Florida and Michigan
Being the only candidate on the ballot helps, and getting the delegates restored could swing things her way. This cuts both ways: if they have caucuses to assign those delegates, she's screwed because the only people passionate enough to wait around and sign in at a caucus support Obama in overwhelming numbers.
2. John Edwards' pledged delegates
Promising to make Edwards Attorney General or VP and getting his 26 delegates might actually help a lot in this race.
3. Steal caucus delegates
Senator Clinton, if you're reading this and you make me Secretary of Transportation, I might switch my vote at the district caucus, you never know.
4. Superdelegates
This is tough because the Superdelegates have started swinging to Obama and might do so in greater numbers now to hasten his victory and unify the party against McCain. Also see #5:
5. Republican voters
With McCain certain to win the Republican nomination, Republicans have started crossing over in states with open primaries to vote for Senator Clinton because she's the best way to motivate the Republican base to turn out and vote for McCain, and her opportunism, flip-flopping, and ethical issues make her easier an easier opponent to poke holes in. This helped her win the Texas Primary, but it may also drive superdelegates away from her who don't want Republicans picking the party nominee.
Because Obama is finding the task of winning a big state and finishing off Clinton to be harder than dubbing Nicholas Cage into Cantonese, the Republicans are starting their campaign early while Democrats are dragging each other down in an increasingly negative campaign that sadly seems to undermine what many people liked about Obama in the first place. Up next are small events in Wyoming and Mississippi, but the big deal is the April 22 primary in Pennsylvania: a big win there could make somebody president.
Here's the bottom line: Hillary Clinton didn't deliver a crushing blow in Ohio, and she barely won the Texas primary and lost the caucus, which means she won't pick up that many delegates or cut into Barack Obama's lead. At this point, she would have to win every remaining contest 70-30 to finish with more pledged delegates than Senator Obama, and that isn't going to happen, Democrats are too evenly divided to all break for her. Even if she can't win the remaining primaries, here's a reminder of all the ways she has to get more delegates and effectively steal the nomination, plus one new one:
1. Florida and Michigan
Being the only candidate on the ballot helps, and getting the delegates restored could swing things her way. This cuts both ways: if they have caucuses to assign those delegates, she's screwed because the only people passionate enough to wait around and sign in at a caucus support Obama in overwhelming numbers.
2. John Edwards' pledged delegates
Promising to make Edwards Attorney General or VP and getting his 26 delegates might actually help a lot in this race.
3. Steal caucus delegates
Senator Clinton, if you're reading this and you make me Secretary of Transportation, I might switch my vote at the district caucus, you never know.
4. Superdelegates
This is tough because the Superdelegates have started swinging to Obama and might do so in greater numbers now to hasten his victory and unify the party against McCain. Also see #5:
5. Republican voters
With McCain certain to win the Republican nomination, Republicans have started crossing over in states with open primaries to vote for Senator Clinton because she's the best way to motivate the Republican base to turn out and vote for McCain, and her opportunism, flip-flopping, and ethical issues make her easier an easier opponent to poke holes in. This helped her win the Texas Primary, but it may also drive superdelegates away from her who don't want Republicans picking the party nominee.
Because Obama is finding the task of winning a big state and finishing off Clinton to be harder than dubbing Nicholas Cage into Cantonese, the Republicans are starting their campaign early while Democrats are dragging each other down in an increasingly negative campaign that sadly seems to undermine what many people liked about Obama in the first place. Up next are small events in Wyoming and Mississippi, but the big deal is the April 22 primary in Pennsylvania: a big win there could make somebody president.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Annoying 2008 Election Update: McCain wins nomination
In addition to the all-important Chuck Norris endorsement, Mike Huckabee also has a sense of humor going for him. Unfortunately John McCain has 1,289 delegates going for him, which is enough to make him the party's nominee. Here's Huckabee on SNL explaining why he didn't quit when it was mathematically impossible for him to win the nomination:
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)