With the NFL draft taking place today, one name is on my mind: Manti Te'o. If you're not familiar with the Manti Te'o scandal, I commend you on consuming better media or at least eating at home instead of sitting next to me at a diner that has ESPN running 24/7. But here's the short version: an outstanding Notre Dame linebacker in his senior season was struck by tragedy right before the biggest game of the year as his fake girlfriend and his real grandmother both died on the same day. This tragedy inspired him to new heights and rallied his team around him, and the power of this narrative made Te'o a Heisman contender and probably put Notre Dame in the national championship game, since the participants are partly decided by polling sportswriters and coaches as to who they would like to see in the Big Game, narrative can still trump quality. And two facts illustrate what a heavy narrative this was for this college football season, for two reasons. The first is the scope of the media coverage: I know literally nothing about this college football season (or really any other season in the last fifteen years) that is not somehow related to Manti Te'o. And second, Alabama's overwhelming victory and 265 yards rushing show that the spectre of Te'o's dead girlfriend was the only reason to want to see the Irish in that game. Seriously, this was such a debacle that college football may have to finally implement a real play-off system... Te'o's fake dead girlfriend actually broke college football, meaning they might have to turn it into something I'd actually watch.
I don't even care that much what the hell happened, what Te'o knew and when he knew it, why somebody would create and perpetuate this hoax, or the seven levels of bizarre behavior that went on in a man having a romantic relationship entirely over twitter with another man pretending to be a woman without ever meeting her, hearing her voice, or even seeing a live image in an era where every laptop has a webcam, or expecting anybody to believe he wasn't in on it... pulling that hoax off without Te'o being in on it seems like it would have been harder than dubbing a Nicholas Cage movie into Cantonese, but I actually don't care either way. What I do care about is the tremendous comedy potential of all of this, especially considering the degree to which football is something I share with my dad.
For that reason, it's just perfect that Te'o went to Notre Dame, for whom this sort of fabrication seems to be a proud football tradition, maybe because it used to be more effective. There's the famous story of Knut Rockne rallying the Irish to victory by invoking dead All-American George Gipp, claiming the Gipper's final words on his deathbed were about hoping Notre Dame beat Army rather than any kind of bitterness about his dying at 25 from pneumonia he contracted after being locked out of his dorm all night. (You'd think he'd have something to say about sound sleepers and maybe getting a f***ing doorbell.) So Te'o's girlfriend seems to fit that narrative but even more interestingly, on Grantland.com Malcolm Gladwell raised the issue of Rockne over-playing this card in the 20's by telling the team that his deathly ill six year-old son Billy really wanted to see a win over Georgia Tech. (Well not SEE it, since it was the 20's.) Fortunately Billy was alive and well in South Bend and in no danger of dying without seeing Notre Dame beat the Yellowjackets, but at least he was real... a fact that gets less and less relevant over the years to these inspiring stories. At some point a player's going to have to stand up and say, "Let's face it, I'm a football player so I'm swimming in 'tang, but someday I hope to actually be in love, or at least get married so my parents get off my back. And if my wife ever got sick, I'd like to raise her spirits by telling her inspiring stories of Notre Dame football, because I imagine that will be important to her. Or at least distract the kids at the funeral by telling them about how 20 years before they were born we beat Michigan in a game that dramatically shifted the BCS formula in our favor and made us eligible for the Dr. Scholls Odor Eaters Bowl and got us an awesome trip to Jacksonville where I met my other girlfriend, the one they should now call Mommy, on the beach. And then make sure to tell one of my other ho's to tell my kids that's where we met, I don't know. Anyways, will you all go out there, get a few sacks and someday help me to tell that story?" Not really feeling it... I think the next Rudy will have to be decapitated on the field for Notre Dame to win a game after this.
If you don't know who Rudy is, he was a small kid destined for a foundry job when the death of his best friend and his love of Notre Dame football propelled him to get on the field for the Irish and get a college degree. Apparently it's a dangerous thing even hanging around Notre Dame football fans, although your tragic death might inspire them to new heights. That part's true, except in his biographical film Rudy went on to claim that Dan Devine, the coach who actually put a 5'6", 165 lb kid in at defensive end, was a total dick (Dan Devine has no luck), and the SEC certainly seems to think Rudy's penny stock scams continue the tradition of lying at Notre Dame.
This is a tradition I was brought up to believe in, that Notre Dame are a bunch of liars, after hearing many times the tale of the Notre Dame - Iowa game in 1953. Having run out of time outs, Notre Dame was still able to stop the clock twice in that game by faking injuries, first with two seconds left in the first half using a player's injury to gain enough time to call in a play and get set for a last-second touchdown before the half. This worked so well that in the closing seconds of the game, two Notre Dame players had the same idea and collapsed simultaneously on different parts of the field from unrelated fake injuries, earning the school the nickname of the "Fainting Irish". With the 50th anniversary fast approaching, my dad is STILL angry about that game... yet amazingly he let me apply to Notre Dame and visited the campus with me without speaking a word about the importance of maintaining a truthful and honest character within that environment.
For somebody who doesn't care about college football, I have just had a lot to say about Notre Dame, lying, and Te'o without getting to why I'm so interested in his confused or dishonest linebacker. And it's because after nearly winning a Heisman, this scandal muddied Te'o's future so much that there's a serious possibility he might drop to the Vikings. We've got a few Notre Dame players on the roster who have been good contributors like tight end Kyle Rudolph who took the sting out of losing our best pass option (and best name) Visanthe Shiancoe to free agency, and rookie safety Harrison Smith, not to mention our center John Sullivan. But I was really most amused the last time we almost had an honest to goodness Notre Dame liar on our team, when George O'Leary lasted a few days as Notre Dame's head coach before they realized some of his credentials were fake: his Master's Degree was from a school he made up, and never played a single game of college football. He spent three years toiling under the nickname George O'Liar as the Vikings defensive line coach (and hopefully learning about Google searches) before returning to college football at Central Florida, which fortunately is a real school. Or maybe he just edited his wikipedia page to say that, I don't know. So our last Notre Dame liar and source of amusement left the team nine years ago, although case could be made for John Carlson pretending to be a tight end and worth a $25m contract... hang on, he only pulled in eight catches last year? Okay, he goes on the list with Te'o and O'Liar.
I love the crazy, fake narratives we spin over football games, and I love sharing them with my dad. My blood still boils thinking of what Packer fans eviscerating Dan Devine's dog in the 70's before he wisely skipped town for Notre Dame (where they made him a movie bad guy... I told you he had no luck). And I don't care that Dan Devine says this story is an urban legend, if you spend five minutes on the concourse at the Humptydome with the obnoxious falling down drunks who took over that fan base after the '97 Superbowl (I actually respected Packer fans before they became such a glob of snot-colored glory hunters) you'd definitely believe these are people capable of ritually killing a defenseless animal as a rational strategy to win a football game. I want to believe that about them, and I like telling that story.
So here's what I expect from Te'o. My former boss has been a Vikings season ticket holder since year one, and a few years ago a kind, friendly actor from North Carolina misread his schedule and showed up late for an event, requiring her to scramble to keep the crowd entertained and change venues while we waited for him. Unfortunately for this actor, my friend the rabid Vikings fan has everyone of importance in the city on her rolodex, and I think she made a call, because when the Panthers came to the Metrodome the next day Vikings middle linebacker E.J. Henderson went after Jake Delhomme like a man possessed, tearing through the Panthers like they were holding his family in a cage and Delhomme had the key. When he came into the theater the for the evening performance and saw me in my Vikings jersey, this actor, with the haunted look of a man who has seen death and horror fall around him asked quiveringly, "What did you do to my Panthers?" And although she denies it, I still believe Sheila called Henderson and told him very plainly, "Delhomme. Number 17. FINISH him." Silly, almost certainly not real, but that extra narrative did make that game a lot more fun to watch, as did the grounds crew coming out with shovels to get Delhomme back out of the patch of ground where Henderson buried him.
So I look forward to Manti Te'o either being with the Vikings or at least in our division, because it offers such a wealth of amusement, analyzing every play he makes (or doesn't make) through the lens of all the myriad possibilities of fake dead people who might be on his mind. How many long-suffering Vikings fans will reach out to Te'o with fake pictures of hot women to try and start an online relationship only to die tragically the night before the Packers game? Which one will he choose? If a woman skypes with him and then pretends to keel over on camera will we WIN THE SUPERBOWL??? I don't know if he's a liar or an idiot, but Te'o can still create an immense spectacle because he's a talented player whose ridiculous back story will drop him far enough in the draft to be a potential steal (if the 'Bama game isn't typical of his play at the next level) or just because if he can hang with an NFL roster, there's always a running joke waiting. It's like playing that clip from The Warriors with the guy with the bottles on his fingers whenever Golden State comes to town: I'm sure they're over it after seeing it 41+ times a year but it's still funny to me. (But then I've been told I'm easily amused.) Make me cheer, make me laugh, Manti Te'o. But either way don't go to the AFC because I'm thinking you're bound to make the NFC North more interesting.
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