Sparkle gone out of 4th of July

I have to admit, I'm just not that excited. Fireworks are a lot less cool ever since that time that mortar shell exploded in front of me, and as I was stumbling around shell-shocked, a cake tipped over and started firing at me, and blinded by the flash I tried to stumble my way to cover on a field strewn with shotgun shells. Ever since that time I half walked, half crawled from Manarola up to Corniglia in Europe's deathly heat wave of 2003, sitting around in the sun in hot and humid July weather has never seemed quite so much fun as it used to be. So really I was just looking forward to sitting in the Paradise, where Johnny Walker Blue goes for $4.50 a glass, and watching the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest from Coney Island. And this is when I really got discouraged, because checking the injury report on ESPN, Kobayashi has announced his sprained jaw will not be healed in time for him to compete. Without Kobayashi setting the pace, it's no longer the Wimbledon of Gluttony, it's just a bunch of guys eating hot dogs. So I'll be in the VFW, where $20 will get me ten drinks and a place to hide from my bookie. Seriously, with Kobayashi in the field, the over/under on the winner was ludicrously low, and I needed a quick double or nothing to get even after my last bet... I though the Generals were due!