The Ten Plagues of A.J.

Since Chicago seems to be laboring under one of the ten plagues of Egypt with the influx of cicadas, I felt I should inform my Chicagoland readers what's coming next. You've already got the locusts, and I'm willing to bet the rivers have already turned to blood, and the city fathers are vainly attempting to dye it blue, hence that mottled brown color from all the paint mixing. (It's not so far fetched, they already have the infrastructure to dye it green for St. Patrick's Day.) Hail mixed with fire sounds like should be hard to miss, but I'll give that one to all those black cats I hear crackling across the sidewalks every time I stay in Chicago, to say nothing of Amstelboy's plans to unleash hell with those Terminator rockets after his wedding. Exodus also predicts a disease on livestock, I give you the Curse of the Goat, a disease caused by a piece of livestock who couldn't get Cubs tickets. Actually, wandering the Magnificent Mile and popping down to lower Michigan for a drink is quite an adventure for a goat and implies the guiding hand of a higher power on that journey*, and Moses did promise an influx of wild beasts as the fourth plague. Murphy the goat wasn't the only nefarious piece of livestock to bring ruin on Chicago, see also Mrs. O'Leary's cow, and the total collapse of the Chicago Bulls. As for the incurable boils, a certain somebody did confess to me they have a raging infestation of herpes they're hoping their spouse-to-be won't discover until the legal documents have all been signed... fortunately anybody with lice is keeping it to themselves. I think it's safe to say a warm winter will produce a cloud of gnats and mosquitoes and bees so bad you'll think Moses thumped his staff in the dust to produce them, can there be any doubt that the harvesting of the first-born will be next? Personally, before the sun goes dark and French marines start landing on North Ave Beach (Exodus 7:26-8:11**) I'd do something about all this, like releasing Justin Morneau's foot! You heard me, A.J. Pierzynski, LET MY 1ST BASEMAN'S FOOT GO!-***

*-The goat actually wandered in to the Lincoln Tavern across from Chicago Stadium after falling off a truck way out on the west side, before William “Billy Goat” Sianis moved his tavern to lower Michigan, but it's a better story to claim there was a plucky goat wandering the Mile, so all you nitpicking historians with Doris Kearns Goodwin books on their coffee table and 43 presidential biographies on the shelf can bl*w me. You know, getting preemptively hostile before anybody even argues with me may be detrimental to my mental, physical, and social well-being, but nevertheless, f*ck you for suggesting so.

**-Exodus 8-2: "And if thou refuse to let them go, behold, I will smite all thy borders with frogs". It's a dumb joke, but I think you've all had ample warning by now.

***-A.J. being A.J. stirred up some bad blood in the Twins-Black Sox series last week when he stomped on Justin Morneau's ankle running over first base, twice in the same game. The Twins didn't retaliate, but did sweep the Black Sox.