10. A shovel for cleaning up dog crap and fighting off gigantic rats
9. A fondue pot and a copy of “Your Favorite Ethnic Jokes Translated into Romansh” by Adolf Uhler, M.D., to crack the ice at dinner parties
8. A bike rack, or more realistically a horse trailer to carry all those bikes, preferably with “Run-Bike-Swim: I am a Tri-Athlete” painted on the side
7. 80's video game t-shirt for him, and Mary Janes and a plaid skirt for her, so they can fit in with the hipsters over at the bar behind the warehouse by the municipal gas station
6. Get them each something they simply can't get on their own: dirty magazines from Frenchy's for him, and an adopted Namibian baby for her
5. 10,000 pairs of Crocs. Gotta keep that share price up to back those CDOs (CROCS Debt Obligations)
4. 1,000 cans of Turtle Wax so Old Man PJ can keep polishing that car
3. A golf cart, so Lian can drive (PJ's not letting her near the DMX) and PJ won't need to bother with golf as an excuse to drive a cart around, gleaming unused clubs flying out the back
2. Head over the bachelorette party and make it rain. Since they'll be using the same male stripper at the bachelor party, this gift will keep on giving.
1. Terminator rockets for him, earplugs for her. A bit obvious, but you know they'll always need plenty of both.
Or if like me you're short on cash, make your gift in the form of a cherished memory, like this wedding toast.
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