Switzerland v Ukraine

Holy god what a boring game. Ten men behind the ball, wait to hit on the break football can be interesting when you played against France or Brazil or somebody who comes out of their shell own half, but a defensive battle of Immovable Object against Immovable Object, just two teams tentatively kicking the ball back and forth and seeing what happens, not nearly so much fun. I'm skipping straight ahead to the penalty kicks, since I think I fast-forwarded most of the way there anyways (at 2x initially, so I could still follow the action, then faster and faster as the game went on).

When great players take the first PK in a shootout, they always have to play a psychological card and act like this is so easy for them that they're mildly offended at having to even go through the formality, and nonchalantly show up the keeper. When Italy went to PKs against France in '98, Roberto Baggio and Zinedine Zidane led off for both teams the same way: a slow build-up and a hesitation in front of the ball to send the keeper the wrong way, then a soft finish, all looking like it's a day at the office. Granted it's difficult to tell Gallic indifference during penalties from their seeming indifference while moving at full speed during the game. "It eez just as Monsieur Sartre says, 'Ell is 'aving to play zee vootball avec zee unworthy opponents such as you. Ah oui, I score five goals on you now." Anyways, Andrii Shevchenko tried to lead off that way for Ukraine and er, didn't actually fool the keeper, who stood his ground and dove on the weak shot. Fortunately Andrii had a secret weapon: the Swiss.

The Swiss didn't make a single penalty shot, and the Ukraine players after Shevchenko really piled on the shame for them. Milevsky ran past the Swiss fans shushing them, and then Rebrov took a nonchalant chip shot after sending the keeper the wrong way, and Gusev sealed the deal, so Switzerland just went three up and three down.

This was the first game the day after all the criticism of the ref in the Holland-Portugal game, and the ref here just let them play. This I thought was a bit of a mistake, because the game just became more destructive and foul prone. Late in the game, about the time when somebody finally gets tired and makes a devastating mistake leading to a winning goal, this culminated in Andriy Voronin getting into what looked like an NFL running play, wrestling with two defenders at the top of the box, and I do mean wrestling. I'm not saying it should have even gone against the Swiss, just that the physicality basically turned into a brawl when the players knew no calls were coming from the ref, and that type of game turns into waiting for a goalmouth scramble to accidentally kick a ball in the goal, which is boring as hell, and why I never got into MLS (which I hear has mercifully improved).

Ukraine* 0-0 Switzerland
(3-0)

Ukraine advances to play Italy, which could be a great game or another snoozefest like this one, depending on if the Italians threaten to crack the Ukraine's defense and scare some life into the game, or if they'll be in the lasagna coma and thinking they'll make it to the semis on cruise control.