1. Tara Reid is having breast reduction surgery. It's not that I liked Tara Reid any better with big breasts, actually she just reminded me of a prudish, whiskey-scarred version of Brittney Skye (except when Brittney drops her clothes and acts like a whore she's sober and on the clock). It's just that nobody liked her, so she got breast implants and nobody liked her either, so now she's going back to where she was only with scars and no sensation in her nipples. (Which allows her to be the only person not to notice the breeze going over them when her dress falls off.)
2. The large number of people on TV giving investment advice based on their prime position on the information curve, when they themselves clearly aren't benefiting from this information, is certainly tragic irony. Jim Cramer is a great showman, he has a TV show, a book, he's on Conan O'Brien, he's appearing at colleges with Tim Russert in front of packed halls, and he's living the dream when he orders up his never-ending pasta bowl down at the Olive Garden. The money from TV, public appearances, and royalties from his book is apparently siphoned off to prop up his poor investment positions, and he doesn't even have the coin to pick up a Zagat guide at Barnes&Noble. Ironically the guys on at 4am should be the wealthiest, since nobody's watching, preserving the value of their information about the market.
3. The Airbus transport plane known as the Beluga... actually that doesn't make me sad so much as it apparently does the Boeing tour guides. Just mention the thing and watch the tourguide wipe a tear from the corner of her eye and bravely announce, "Our plane is called the Big Green Pickle, some people like it, because they think it's cute and, and maybe they think it's funny-looking..." Ask if Boeing has ever had a successful water landing and bam, the tour's over right there, and you're hustled off to the gift shop.
4. Seafood restaurants in Seattle are full of vegetarians. I seriously don't think anybody in Seattle eats fish, which is really sad considering there's a whole big-ass bucket of tuna and crab next door called the pacific ocean. Actually now that I think about it the last time I had as much really questionable seafood it was in Massacheusetts, and the people I've met who never had high quality seafood (lobster, bluefin tuna, octopus, the stuff that you can't get by broiling something off a farm) all grew up near an ocean. And it all gets less fresh and more expensive the closer you get to the ocean... the clams are full of sand, the fish is tragically overcooked or wrapped in ham which is then charred (when they overcook the fish). Is it just that the midwestern customer knows fresh seafood is a rare treat and thus won't settle for $40 fish sticks? Anyways, it makes me sad, what with food and football being the only remaining pleasures in my life. Seriously, I expected the calamari appetizer at the Experience Music Project bar to be sub-par, but I didn't expect the worst preparation of squid I've ever had.
5. The Captain emigrating to China. It may not happen for a couple years, but I figure with the Olympics in Beijing, and the Republican Convention here, I figure it's only a matter of time. And if he goes to China, there's always the possibility Shing-Tung Yau will steal a Fields Medal for him. Pretty soon I expect to be getting emails from phil@peoplesdfl.cn saying "The Poincare Conjecture was clearly proved by the work of mathematicians in nnnnnnn-China!"
These things make me sad. But I try to remember it could be worse, after all, I had breakfast with my friend the Candyman this Sunday and he can't even sit down to a meal without being pursued by bees. And he's got a hook (but it ain't on his hand). I would also like to apologize to The Captain for the legions of dumb jokes about China I've been making for almost 8 years, I swear to god I'll stop after the 2008 Olympics.
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