Das Vote

I voted in the DFL primary on Tuesday, and I have elected to make a statement of my own free will. I have been treated well by my cap, um... by The Party and am happy to remain in the People's 5th District. I regret the pain I have caused my friends and neighbors by voting Republican in previous elections, and I now see a better way. I have chosen my new political party without coercion or reward, and especially without coercion. I had a minor accident while alone in the booth in my polling place, when in my unsupervised state I put accidentally put my pen in the wrong place and in so doing accidentally pulled out one of my own fingernails, again by myself without any assistance or interference from any party election monitors. It was only then that I requested assistance in filling out my ballot due to the injury to my hand as well as several unrelated electrical burns. I am very grateful for the assistance provided by my friends from the DFL, and I am very pleased with the result of the election. I look forward to exercising my right to vote for the candidate of my choice in the general election, and while I may voluntarily seek guidance from the Party, I will cast my vote without fear of intimidation or coercion. Thank you for reading my voluntary statement.

(Actually I used the electronic touchscreen voting machine, which does what I've said they should do all along. You get a normal, optical scan ballot like everybody else gets, put it into the machine, which runs you through all the elections in this weird Stephen Hawking voice, then prints your votes onto the ballot, and you can verify it visually before feeding it into the electronically sealed ballot box yourself.)