WJWYD?

This started with a couple simple questions about Julius Caesar and Julia Child, but it's really been weighing on my mind. I'm not sure which is dumber, the original question or the fact that I'm putting so much thought into it. So which Jules would you do?

• Julia Roberts - Sometimes in the wrong light the way her skin clings to her naked skull makes her look a bit like Skeletor, and I find that to be a bit of a drawback. She also used a body double in Pretty Woman because apparently with her clothes off, she's very much not. So really, when she's getting ready for bed with the mud mask and cucumbers over her eyes, wouldn't you start thinking "How do I get rid of you?"
  
• Julia Stiles and Julie Meadows - I still keep mixing these two up. Julia Stiles is alright, in a boyish clotheshorse sort of way, but I'd be a bit worried she'd try to break the ice by making you watch one of her movies and comment on it. I'd be worried about Julie Meadows doing the same thing, in that case because she'd kill a lot of the mystery and also make me wonder about, er, measuring up to what she was used to.
  
• Julia Child - Well, you certainly wouldn't kick her out of bed before breakfast. And if she's not afraid to go fist-deep into a monkfish, imagine what else she won't be squeamish about. No worries about acquired tastes, keeps her ingredients fresh, and a devotion to the sensual pleasures in life... I think you could do a lot worse.
  
• Julius Caesar - He kept himself fit, and he wrote poetry, so you know its an option. I wonder if he'd have the patience and consideration to make it be worthwhile, or if it would be a disappointment as he stumbled off after five minutes muttering "Alia iactum est." Plus you know every time you saw him too he'd nudge his friends, nod in your direction and say, "Vidi, vinci, veni."
• Jewel - Both versions of Jewel are a little annoying. There's the folksy, birkenstocks Jewel with stories about growing up in an iglooo, and the vamped up, I'm satirizing vapid pop culture by desperately trying to make myself into a vapid sex kitten after I turned 30 Jewel, who really just makes me sad. So that's a pass.
  
• Julia Drusilla - Caligula's favorite sister and some say favorite lover certainly had to know a few tricks. I may be basing a lot of my opinion on the fact that she was portrayed in the 1979 movie by the absolutely delicious Teresa Ann Savoy.
• Juliet Capulet - How high maintenance would this chick be? First there's the palace in Verona where she grew up that you'd have to measure up to, and then there's her brawling relatives threatening to stab you. You just know she'd carry on about how her last boyfriend committed suicide for her anytime she wanted anything, too... eventually you'd have to snap and tell her "Yeah, and I wouldn't check for a pulse either, you whiny bitch."
  
• Juliette Lewis - I haven't seen a movie of hers in like 10 years besides her brief appearances in Vaughn/Wilson comedies, so maybe I should watch Blueberry and reevaluate. I'd probably blow it by asking if she thought the Meet the Press with Juliette Lewis sketch on Studio 60 was as funny as I did.
  
• Julia Louis-Dreyfus - That weird crown of hair she had in the early seasons of Seinfeld was so goofy I'd still picture it every time I looked at her. Only Katherine Hepburn has ever pulled it off as anything other than stereotypical overbearing 19th century governess, and I really wish everybody else would quit trying. It's like vertical bangs, no good.
• Jewel Staite - She's a scrumptious actress turned geek icon for playing a horny mechanic on Firefly. If she looks that good with grease smudges on her cheeks, she'd almost have to look dynamite with pillow head. Then again, she is Canadian.
  
• Orange Julius - A fencing team-mate once described the experience of an eskimo blow to me in less than glowing terms. I'd have to imagine that's what a love affair with an Orange Julius would have to approximate, only with a straw potentially poking up your... never mind. It tastes bright and happy at least.

So really, you just can't beat Julia Child. Too bad she's dead.