I arrived at the bus stop under the 4th Street Garage at 6:45 am, on a completely deserted covered street under the skyway. Which is really just where you want to be before the sun comes up. When neither the bus or passengers showed up by our 7am departure time, and there were no signs or anything, I knew something was wrong, and in a panic I ran over the skyway to 2nd Ave thinking I was on the wrong street. I wasn't, I'm just an idiot and the bus was actually scheduled for 7:45. The Megabus eventually arrived, complete with a giant picture of a British bus driver on the back. Passengers load their own bags, give a reservation number to the Megadriver, and choose their own seats. The bus made one more stop near the UofM, the driver took a quick count of passengers and noted any passengers with connections, and we headed onto I94, running a bit late.
Somewhere in Saint Paul, without a word of explanation, the bus driver pulled over to the side of I94 and shut off the engine. After a moment he restarted the engine and pulled back out onto the highway. A few moments later, I overheard him telling the dispatcher that our Megabus had a broken Megatransmission and couldn't go any faster than 30 mph. They told him to pull over and shut off the engine for five minutes, which really didn't sound promising. While parked, a state trooper pulled out of a speed trap to approach the bus and tell our driver that the Megabus was pouring thick blue Megasmoke out the back, and we had to head back to the Megagarage where they had a replacement Megabus. It was then that our troubles really began.
Our Megadriver headed back to downtown Minneapolis, apparently without purpose since the Megagarage isn't downtown, but he didn't really know the way. Cruising down 12th st he called his dispatcher to ask how to get to 8th (here's a hint, it's four blocks from 12th), but they had no idea either so he had to ask the passengers for directions. I told him to take a left and away we went, off to an even rattier vehicle with a working transmission (and so ensued the mad scramble to get a solo seat). Amusingly, the guy who took charge of loading and unloading bags and getting people secured in their new seats was some random black dude with a kindly air of authority, not the clueless driver. The new bus wasn't exactly a great example of craftsmanship either: when our driver attempted to stow his gear in the overhead bin, one of the hinges came off, leaving his bag barely suspended by the fragile door over some poor girl's head. The same black dude shouted up to him "Yo bus-man! Yo bus-man!" until he came back and (kind of) fixed it. The bus did at least make it the rest of the way to Chicago, only maybe 2-3 hours late.
Perhaps I should share a few brief comments about the comfort level of riding Megabus for anybody tempted by cheap fares and avoiding O'Hare during the holidays. Now, I don't know what kind of scoliotic midgets these buses were designed to carry, but at 6'2" with some of my vertebrae turned the wrong way I barely crammed myself in by turning sideways and stretching out over two seats. There's also an emergency exit bar below the window strategically placed to push more vertebrae out of place if you lean against it for eight hours, so the smarter Megapassengers brought along a pillow and a blanket (I'm not that smart). There were a couple of TVs and headphone jacks in the seat backs on our new bus, but no movies were shown, possibly due to the unexpected bus replacement.
That was all to be expected, but what really was unexpectedly uncomfortable was the way the creaky old bus shook violently during our trip. I don't think cruise control or shock absorbers are a big priority for this company's Megamechanics. Between the touchy accelerator and the shaking it was impossible to read and preferable to just close my eyes to alleviate the inevitable motion sickness, so I probably couldn't have watched a movie anyways. There's a sign in the bathroom (this is the one very welcome convenience of the Megabus) advising all passengers to sit down when they use the toilet, and there is a serious risk of injury from being thrown around the small metal compartment. I wanted to touch the seat as little as possible so I tried to just bend my knees and absorb enough of the shocks to mostly stay on target.
Our Megabus did make one stop along the way at a gas station in Wisconsin, where they let us out for half an hour of exercise and to hit the adjoining Wendy's. I found the spot outside least covered in birdshit to wolf down some chicken nuggets and chase away bees while getting a bit of fresh air, and looking around I decided the reason they stop there is so you can see there's an even drearier place to be stuck than the back of a Megabus. Which was interesting when we pulled out and somebody farther back asked "Are we all here? Because there was a guy sitting across from me on the way down, is he here?' (I'm not sure what the point was of taking a count in Minneapolis if the driver didn't really care how many people he left in Wisconsin). As we pulled out of the parking lot, a familiar-looking guy came running frantically out of the gas station towards the Megabus, which didn't seem to faze the driver, nor did polite requests to stop and pick him up, until the same black dude from before started shouting "Yo bus-man! YO BUSMAN! Ho'dup!" and finally got his attention. But as it happened, our nearly-stranded passenger need not have run.
After he embarked and we headed back out of the parking lot, there was a sharp bang and the whole Megabus took a sudden lurch. Half the frustrated passengers began to wonder aloud about who or what had just been run over. The Megadriver stopped, got off and walked around the vehicle doing an inspection, and we all feared we'd had a Megatire blow out in the middle of nowhere and would force a delay of several hours. As the driver came back on, we all sighed fearing the worst, and he opened his mouth to say, "Did anybody else feel that?" I think the guy seriously thought he must have imagined it, which makes me wonder what other dancing pink elephants nobody else could see he's run over. Without solving the mystery, we headed off back down the road like nothing had happened, possibly with a deer carcass hanging under the front bumper. Actually the shaking really started after that, so maybe it was the antlers dragging.
The rest stop did give the driver a chance to ask who had to make Megaconnections in Chicago, and then assure them that they weren't going to make it. One passenger was heading to St. Louis, so the driver asked, "Are you going to the World Series? Because you're not going to make it." After taunting us further over the delays he passed around customer comment forms and free Megapens, noting that if you got a $1 fare, with the free pen you were coming out ahead (no value is placed on the hours of your life wasted by incompetent drivers and faulty equipment). Much as I may make fun of this guy, I did appreciate the fact that the driver clearly acknowledged we probably all had a lot of negative feedback and seemed genuinely concerned that we have a fair opportunity to do so.
Coming into Chicago, traffic on the Kennedy was down to a crawl, and I could measure our lack of progress by watching the blue line El stops click by once every 15-20 minutes. This was something we should have avoided by leaving early, but because of our bus shenanigans, we got stuck in miles and miles of stop-and-go traffic. But you know, sometimes in the middle of an unpleasant situation there's an unexpected bright spot made all the more striking by grey surroundings, like a single white flower poking up out of the mud. Everybody gets bored and frustrated in traffic, but apparently somebody found a nice relaxation technique, to make the time go by a little more pleasantly. I looked down at a woman in a black jetta who kept falling behind every time traffic around her moved, as if she was distracted and taking as long as she could before getting back into gear and darting forward for another pause. And then I looked at her right hand. Her forearm curled around her hip and over her thigh so she could surreptitiously slider her fingers down over her crotch, slightly spread and gently pressed onto her vagina. With her back slightly arched against her seat and her fingers gently massaging, I'm sure the warm buzz from light stimulation and a touch of adrenaline from doing this in public took the edge off her commute, and the light head, quickened pulse and slightly raggedy breathing did make it a little difficult to keep up in traffic. As the only person on the highway with the vantage point to see her through the window and speculate on this, I was definitely rooting for the traffic jam to continue, so he totally changed my perspective as well.
When we arrived in the city, there was some irritation and confusion as to the route we took into the city and our final destination. We got off on the north side and took Lake Shore Drive, which seemed like a fairly odd exit to take to most of the people around me, and apparently violates ordinances about heavy vehicles on LSD. It's seriously possible the goof at the wheel didn't actually know Chicago any better than he did Minneapolis, and this wasn't the approved Megaroute. We passed a couple landmarks I recognized, and I found myself wishing I could just hop out and walk, then we drove through the loop and I wished I could hop off and get on the El, then we went over the river to Union Station. Apparently, Union Station isn't really connected to the El or near anything, and I doubt anybody gets off a bus to get on a train. Stop in Chinatown so I can get some fake adidas and some sotong or something, lah.
I figured the trip back had to be better, because at least the bus wouldn't break down, and I'd sleep through most of it. Given time constraints, I called a cab, but of course the cab company sent me a cab with no gas, and the guy wanted to stop for a fill-up on the way. My friend's Chinese mail order bride was kind enough to loan me a blanket and a pillow, which (literally) took the edge off of the emergency exit bar and let me doze a bit. Unfortunately the bus was late, or more accurately it sat in plain view down the street for half an hour while another Megabus (running late I guess) pulled in and discharged passengers, then our Megabus sat in plain view down the street for another half hour for no apparent reason. The muslim brother standing next to me assured me that "It's always something with this company. It's always late, and if it ain't late, it breaks down, if it don't break down, something else gonna happen. I guess for five bucks, you get what you pay for."
Instead of being a better trip with a better bus and room to stretch out and go to sleep, the whole bus was packed, including passengers left behind by earlier Megabuses, probably because everybody like me took advantage of an overnight bus allowing for a full sunday in Chicago. A girl sat down next to me so I had about a three inch range to shift my buttocks around every couple hours when the pooling blood and stiffness became overwhelming, and couldn't really watch hardcore bisexual porn on my ipod, but then again I was pretty tired. This bus also shook the whole way, even more than the way down, so there was nothing to do but try to doze. We stopped off at the same rest stop, and had a much faster trip since we didn't hit anything or blow the transmission, but my god did I not envy the people going straight to work or school.
Really, Megabus has some significant drawbacks, and it is exactly what you'd expect: a cheap, shitty, uncomfortable bus. Before doing it again, I would have to identify which competitive advantage was justifying that particular trip. The ability to pack and carry anything I want without regard for airport security or greedy airline policy, like being able to bring water, medicine, and my own food so I don't have to by a $5 "snack pack", and carry a cellphone, laptop, nailclippers, or whatever else I may want in my pockets, and use them without somebody jumping on me shouting "I'm watching you, Al Qaeda!" is kind of nice. It's still cheaper than driving, involves no labor on the part of passengers, and you don't have to pull off the highway every time somebody wants to use the bathroom or stand up and stretch. My initial estimates of flying time involved really 2 hours of public transportation, at minimum an hour of security and waiting around, all slapped onto a 90 minute flight, meaning it will still tend to dominate the day, and while Megabus takes longer and is apparently always late, the risk factors are lower, when overbooked flights of holiday travelers start piling up at O'Hare, you can spend over 24 hours waiting, and I really doubt Megabus is that bad (unless you're connecting to a different Megabus, which I would probably not advise). So really I would rate the competitive advantages as a) avoiding airport security and general hassle, b) no money and no car (all students and poor black people on the bus), or c) O'Hare holiday travel risk.
In conclusion, I think the whole tone of the experience was summed up by the muslim brother talking to me as we waited outside Union Station when he said, "I guess we really should expect what we're getting. The company did paint a big ol' sloppy fat dude on the back of the bus. Can't expect too much effort from that big ol' sloppy dude."
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