Given the recent merger, the following corporate policies will apply to both firms, effective immediately, so we can immediately begin building synergies:
1. All structured finance products will be sold with a service plan, allowing customers who have a problem with their structured finance product to exchange it for a structured finance product of equal or lesser value* within two years. The price of the service plan will be determined as 2% of assets under management and 20% of returns. (*-value to be determined as market value at time of exchange, not of sale.)
b. All ATM maintenance operations will include installation of a Superdisk drive which will contain data essential to the functioning of the ATM. Our new corporate partners assure us it's far more efficient to break ATMs by inserting a disk soaked in coca-cola than with the giant hammer we normally use.
3. All branch banks will adopt the electronics division's successful customer service policy, and have twenty people mill around discussing collateralized debt obligations with customers while only one teller is available so anybody can deposit their paycheck. Free pizza will be served to the 8,000 people waiting in line at the only ATM we plan to have working.
d. Early sales will be coordinated to maximize customer convenience and develop synergies between structured finance and consumer electronics. I can't stress this enough, none of the customers camping out in the parking lot for first crack at a Wii or PS3 should leave the store without also buying into our securitized Minnesota State Fair mini-donut booth.
5. All banking employees should take note, the complimentary lasagna in the new combined employee lounge is made with artichokes, mushrooms, and codeine. Should anyone go back for a second helping and go into a coma, the adrenaline shots and the defibrillator are under the sink.
f. Synergies will be pursued between our pro sporting endorsements. As part of an expanded sponsorship agreement, Ajax players will now grow porn-star mustaches and wear wife-beaters, while the NASCAR drivers we sponsor will not use their hands.
7. Our new corporate slogan is, "Make it More Possible for Thousands of Impossible Things to Get Up Yours". This a compromise hammered out on an international conference call with no translators (they have no word for "synergy"). It sounds equally bad in all languages, creating synergies between diverse and previously unconnected groups of confused and insulted customers all over the world.
g. Remember, without a "g", there are no synergies, only sinners.
9. Our not fixing the holes we make in people's walls policies will be immediately coordinated with our not fixing ATMs policy.
j. Any meal being claimed as a business expense will be reimbursed on the assumption that all parties ate about the same, including the waitress, who must chip in as well.
Synergetically Yours,
Brad and Rijkman
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