Recently overheard at a midwestern financial institution

Look, you the arbitrage guys, why do you think we worked on the Asian bond market divergent interest rate package all week? Barings Bank lost 827 million dollars because Nick Leeson couldn't pick up a goddamn backside bandit on max protection! You and I know this is goddamn stupid structured finance, and you're stressing this shit outta me! We've worked on the calls over and over again but you have no goddamn focus or concentration! McKenna, keep your head on a swivel, you've got to slide out there and pick up that tsunami in the Indian Ocean -- roll up those leveraged loans! Sanderson and fox will break off their positions but you have to deliver the variation margin on time. We've had two goddamn margin calls in this half, you guys are dumping on my reserve ratio.

You the CDO guys, you've got to create something out there, you've got to start flying around the fucking securitized operating assets and hitting somebody. Don't let these assholes chew up the clock on us! On first down, they're killing us with the interest rate swap! Accountants, when we put anything in the 88888 box, you've got to jam the SEC, take 'em on, you're hesitating. If you're gonna make a mistake, go on. Make it a big one! I'm not gonna eat your lunch for that, but don't fuck around like pussies at a pee party, you hear me?! PJ, Mac, Beast Man, Horny, Shark! One, two, short term capital gains less each time and we'll get two and eight instead of two and six! Stuff the goddamn tax shelters! The IRS is killing us!

No more stupid penalties, okay?! Concentrate. Focus. We're only down by 6 billion dollars. We can win this mother! I'm sick and tired of losing! Are you?! Three losing quarters in a row. Are you guys sick and tired of this?! Stand up if you're not! Raise your hand! Raise your hand if you're a pussy! Stand up, let's go! What the hell are you doing, PJ, put your hand down.

Gentlemen, this is our house! We live here. Don't let them fuck with us in our own house! We're gonna get some money in the goddamn bank if I gotta get out to the floor myself and make the goddamn trades! Now let's go and kick some second-half butt!

(Employees were later heard commenting, “Does the guy who wrote this speech have any clue what we do here? And why are there unedited references to half-time like he just stole this from a football movie?”)