A Declaration of Independence, or Suck it England

This past year my sister married a wonderful Englishman, and while it has been a great joy to have him join my family, I find there is no room in my heart for his football team and it's delusionally arrogant fans. Accordingly, I submit the following:

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the sporting bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all fans are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of sporting glory. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that associations long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future entertainment. --Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former friendship. The history of the present Queen of England is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over the beautiful game. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.

She has conspired with her subjects to create an endless series of excuses for failure... cited most often is the dreaded misfortune of being scored on by the best player in the world. (Maybe they've got something here... what reasonable person could predict that Ronaldinho would turn up in Shizuoka in 2002 and snatch an easy victory away from the clear world favorites? Or that a referee would mistakenly allow a goal in 1966, sorry I mean '86? Bad luck, Germ- I mean England.)

She has joined the European conceit that all tournaments must be reachable by train from St Pancras Station; the presence of footballers from Asia, Africa, Latin America, and these United States has apparently not served to make her majesty or her subjects aware that football is played in places not listed in her trusty 1966 Michelin Guide to Western Europe.

She has sent Wayne Rooney out in the world with spiked boots and in so doing, has fomented his homicidal rage and total disregard for the sanctity other people's testicles.

She has allowed her subjects to claim that beating a tiny nation 45 times in 110 matches (and losing 41 times) constitutes “total dominance”, in violation of all the laws of mathematics.

She has repeatedly laid claim to inventing the game of football, before inviting in a succession of Scots, Frenchmen, Swedes and Italians in a futile attempt to teach her subjects how to actually play it.

Her predecessor George VI endeavored through her newspapers to obliterate the achievements of the United States and her sportsmen, by binding all into a conspiracy to alter the news from Belo Horizonte on June 29^th 1950 and proudly present England as 10-1 winners in the next day's paper. (If you only have access to English newspapers, you may not realize that the actual score was 1-0 in favor of the United States.)

She has given us only one successful national team coach in the last 20 years: Glenn Hoddle, a man who did his part to promote physical fitness by claiming that disabled people were paying for the sins of a previous life.

She has, through her instruments the Football League and its several clubs, conspired to overprice every man of that nation with an English accent and a pair of boots, then whined endlessly about how nobody with any financial sense (like the rest of Europe) wants to pay £50m for the right back from MiddleofNowhere United.

She has sent her subjects out in the world armed with the cutting edge tactics of the 1950's, meaning every international company has a club team that tries to avoid passing to the English guys, knowing they'll just close their eyes and boot it upfield.

She has endeavored to turn the most innocent among us away from the game of football, by only allowing the ugliest, most terrifying members of her society to take the field, chief amongst them the monstrous creature whose unnatural, mechanical movements make a mockery of the grace and form of man... put another way, one look at Peter Crouch doing the robot and the world's children will be so paralyzed with horror, they'll never kick a football again.

She has through her instrument the Football League confined our players to the bench, no great sin until they were needed by their mother country, in which case they suddenly became indispensable to their club and unavailable to play for their country.

For transporting us beyond seas to be tried for pretended offenses... oh no, my mistake, that one was King George. (Sorry.)

She is at this time transporting large armies of savage mercenaries in England tops and Burberry caps to complete the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the head of a civilized nation. (Except for the Burberry caps, we actually submitted this complaint to King George too.)

She is at this time transporting large armies of foreign mercenaries to complete the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the head of a civilized nation. That's not a repeat, this time I'm talking about the WAGS.

She has conspired to impose upon us her servant David Beckham, his irritating wife, their incomprehensible whining accents and his collection of stupid haircuts. Sentencing disgraced members of the Empire to transportation was bad enough, sending them here is unforgivable.

In every stage of these oppressions we have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms: our repeated petitions, including a friendly invitation to play in a tournament we held in the summer of 1994 have been answered only by repeated injury. A Queen, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a tyrant, is unfit to call herself a sports fan.

Nor have we been wanting in attention to our English brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their clubs to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over our players. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, enemies in war, in peace friends.

We, therefore, the representatives of the United States Soccer Federation, in General Congress, assembled for the 50^th anniversary of Joe Gaetjens' famous goal, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by the authority of the good people of these colonies, solemnly publish and declare, that these united colonies are, and of right ought to be free and independent states; that they are absolved from all allegiance to the British Crown, and that all friendly rivalry between them and the state of England, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as free and independent states, they have full power to levy war, conclude peace, contract alliances, establish commerce, and put a serious smackdown on the Three Lions come Saturday. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor.

Bob Bradley

Arizona: Robbie Findley

California: Carlos Bocanegra, Jonathan Bornstein

 Maurice Edu, Landon Donovan, Hercules Gomez

District of Columbia: Oguchi Onyewu

Georgia: Ricardo Clark

Illinois: Brad Guzan, Steve Cherundolo, Jonathan Spector

Indiana: DaMarcus Beasley

New Jersey: Tim Howard, Michael Bradley, Jozy Altidore

New York: Edson Buddle, Benny Feilhaber

Texas: Clint Dempsey, José Torres, Stuart Holden

Virginia: Clarence Goodson

Washington: Marcus Hahnemann

Wisconsin: Jay DeMerit

P.S. After all your years of bragging and telling us we don't know anything about football you really can't win by anything less than five goals without hanging your heads in shame... so even if you win, you can still suck it, England.

Euro2008: Netherlands vs Russia

Sometimes a picture really is worth a thousand words, so here's a brief pictorial tribute to Holland crashing out of the last two major international tournaments in their first elimination game:

Annoying Euro2008 Update: The Draw

The draw for the Euro'08 Finals in Switzerland and Austria is complete, and wow, does Europe ever need to do some research on the concept of seeding. Group C was always going to be a beast because of the top seeds that had to go to weak hosts Switzerland and Austria and defending champions Greece, so the was guaranteed to have two of the top five teams in Europe in it, but UEFA went a little overboard, putting the finalists of the last World Cup (France and Italy) together again, and Holland as a third seed. Clasping their heads in their hands and looking skyward to ask "What have we done to deserve this fate?" are Romania, who will find qualifying out of that group more difficult than dubbing Nicholas Cage into Cantonese.

This conveniently groups the headquarters of three of the five Romance languages together so all the hooligans will understand each other. Presumably since they couldn't squeeze in one of the Iberian teams they threw in the Dutch who speak five languages and smoke marijuana, and have a hooligan army ready to spring out of a windmill at a moment's notice. Sales of French-Dutch pocket dictionaries in Den Haag have gone through the roof... everything through practice!

Germany gets the easiest group in my opinion, although they do get their old friensd the Poles in a neutral field rematch. The Germans decided previously decided to schedule their Germany'06 match as far west from Poland as possible... like Pennsylvania. Rounding out that group are Austria and Croatia.

Switzerland has a couple decent opponents in Portugal and the Czech Republic, and any of those three could advance. I wouldn't disregard the Turks either, so the Swiss could be back to stacking gold bars and snorting blow off Martina Hingis in the first week.

Greece have the advantage of the "No Home Field Advantage" group drawn from the farthest corners of Europe: Greece in the south, Russia in the east, Spain in the west, and Sweden in the north. Spain is pretty good in the early rounds before crumpling against their first competent opponent (and occasionally squeezing past a minnow like Ireland on PK's) but the Swedes have a few tricks like the ninja skills of Zlatan Ibrahimovic, the Russians are still looking to make a mark on the international scene in the post-Evil Empire era, and the counter-attacking Greeks are always ready to roll out a trojan and fuck somebody.

And if you really want to know more about Euro'08 or qualification, I still say Peter Godfrey's site is the best for results: http://www.eofl.co.uk/eu2008

Euro2008 qualifiers - all over but the crying

First off, sell your Kirsch and Goldschlager futures, because England will not be going to Switzerland next summer after losing 3-2 to Croatia in London today, while Russia as expected won in Andorra to knock England out of the tournament. (Early whining has the New York Giants to blame for tearing up the field in their game against the Dolphins at Wembley.) Pretty much everybody else came through as expected: the Turks came through with a win against Bosnia to knock out Norway, the Poles obliged the Portuguese by knocking out Serbia, and the Swedes are in over Northern Ireland. I was also watching with interest the battle between Germany and Holland to avoid being a top seed, and despite a 2-1 loss in Minsk, the Dutch are still a top seed. So here they are grouped by seeding, your Euro2008 finalists:

Austria (hosts)
Switzerland (hosts)
Greece (holders)
Netherlands

Sweden
Italy
Croatia
Czech Republic

Spain
Portugal
Germany
Romania

France (???)
Russia
Turkey
Poland

The top 16 in Europe are good enough that seeding isn't all that important, since all groups should be tough anyways, but this is the most lopsided I've seen. France in the bottom tier and Austria as a #1 seed, this could lead to an absolutely epic Netherlands, Italy, Germany, France group. And of course, the three European teams I was pulling for, the Belgians, Irish, and Norwegians, all failed to qualify for a second tournament in a row. At least the French will be there for style, and the Dutch to once again choke on their mayonnaise coated fries.

Correction regarding Netherlands

As somebody pointed out, my math skills are apparently lacking, and Holland and Romania are already qualified for next year's Euro (and Bulgaria is out). Here's one more wrinkle: Holland and Germany are in a fight to see who gets a top seed, which is not something you want. As it stands, the Dutch will join Austria, Switzerland, and Greece in the pool of top seeds, which is not a good thing... it's much better to be in the second tier and avoid the Italians and a couple other much tougher teams than Greece and Austria. At this point the French and the Spaniards, two of Europe's top teams, are looking like #4 seeds, proving once again that seven centuries of post-Renaissance European cultural and intellectual development wasn't enough to teach these people how to run a proper seeding system for a football tournament.

So if the Dutch have a suspiciously bad loss to Belarus tomorrow, they're likely to get a #2 seed and coal in their shoes come Sint Niklaas Day. How likely is this? Well let's just say coal futures are up $40 on the CME, which is like 2,50 in euros.

Euro2008 Qualifiers, last call

For anybody keeping track, I thought perhaps I should follow up my report on the various Euro2008 bubble teams, given a couple surprising results.

First the less shocking results:  the Poles beat Belgium to lock up a spot in the finals, and this has me quite annoyed, because even though the Rode Duivels were long since eliminated, I'd like to see them at least finish strong and do what Belgium does best:  annoy the crap out of everyone.  The Portuguese beat Armenia as expected, but due to a snowed out Serbia-Kazakhstan game and a Finnish win over Azerbaijan, the Portuguese still need to pull out some kind of result against Finland on Saturday to clinch a spot in the finals.  (A detail I screwed up in my last report, thankfully nobody caught it... I wonder if that has anything to do with nobody reading it in the first place.)  Spain jumped up and down on Sweden yesterday, while the Danes lost in Belfast, which put Spain in the finals, eliminates Denmark, and gives Northern Ireland a very long shot at upsetting Sweden for a spot in the finals, needing a win in Spain and a Latvian win in Solna (which is just outside Stockholm and home to AIK, for you Swedish football afficionados).  Holland was able to squeak out a win over Luxembourg, which is really rather sad since they should be able to pop over before lunch and win that one with sandwiches in their hands, and I mean really good sandwiches with fresh ham and kaas.  The Romanians were less obliging, and lost to the Bulgarians to keep Holland on the bubble, needing a win in Minsk this Wednesday to be sure of making the finals, while the Romanians get the Albanians at home and Bulgaria travels to Slovenia with a shot at bouncing either the Romanians or Dutch.

In the big games I had an eye on, much to my annoyance I discovered the Turks beat Norway in Oslo to take a lead for the last spot in Group C, meaning Norway needs Bosnia to win in Istanbul this Wednesday... as I said, with the proud Viking blood that flows through my veins, I find this quite annoying.  The big showdown between the Scots and Italians also didn't go my way as the Italians won 2-1 in Glasgow, the upside being the French and Italians are in the Euro and the Ukraine-France game I was dreading is no longer significant.  In the big two "Will the red and white horde descend on central Europe?" match-ups, the Russians made no headway in Tel Aviv, while to my surprise the Croatians got soundly beaten in Macedonia, leaving a wide-open door into the Euro for England, who control their destiny in their final game against Croatia at Wembley.  Croatia are already qualified, and England only needs a draw to qualify, but as Fred Thompson will surely tell you England will get precious little help from the USSR, who are sure to win against Andorra.

Also of interest, Germany beat Cyprus 4-0, which ordinarily would not be all that surprising, but the Germans were highly expected to throw the game.  As it stands, the Germans will be a top seed for Euro2008, which is not something they're too excited about, since the other top seeds are Greece, Switzerland, and Austria.  Anybody in the next four seeds avoids three of their toughest opponents (really the top five in Europe minus themselves), and has a 75% chance of avoiding all four if they avoid the Germans in the draw.  The Germans on the other hand are guaranteed to face one of Italy, Holland, France, or Spain, so there's been rampant speculation that Germany would throw all their games until the draw to stay out of the top seeds and stick the Italians with that honor.  Obviously karma would demand that they then draw Italy, the Czechs, and the Poles for the ultimate seeding nightmare... Austria-Switzerland is like a home tournament for Germany, so if they drew the Italians who are world champions and neighbors on the other side, the Czechs who are right next door, and the Poles who are the world champions of hating Germany, I'd be laughing uncontrollably for a week.

So here are the Big Meaningful Games this Wednesday:

Portugal v Finland
Serbia v Poland
(pretty much any break for the Portuguese puts them in over Serbia)

Spain v Northern Ireland
Sweden v Latvia
(any break for the Swedes puts them in ahead of N.I.)

Turkey v Bosnia
Norway v Malta
(The Turks either win or stay home next summer, the Norwegians either win or can never go home again)

England v Croatia
Russia v Andorra
(Andorra's no kingmaker, so if England gets a draw or better, they send Russia home)

Romania v Albania
Belarus v Netherlands
Slovenia v Bulgaria
The Dutch and Romanians control their own destiny, but any stumble allows the Bulgarians to claim a scalp.  For all you Dutchies here's what you have to look forward to besides coal in your shoes on St. Nicholas Day:
    Dutch win:  Euro2008, baby
    Dutch draw:  Romania must lose, or Bulgarians must lose or draw
    Dutch loss:  Bulgaria must lose or draw for Dutch to advance

Germany v Wales
(Germany is already qualified, but a bad loss to Wales might get them out of them out of the top four seeds.)

And here's what the tournament looks like so far:

Qualified (10 spots):
Austria (hosts)
Switzerland (hosts)
Greece (holders)
Germany
Czech Republic
Poland
Spain
Croatia
Italy
France

Likely (2 spots):
Portugal  (but maybe Serbia)
Sweden  (but maybe Northern Ireland)

Undecided (4 spots):
England or Russia (England)
Any two of Romania, Netherlands, Bulgaria (Romania, Netherlands)
Turkey or Norway (Turkey)

Not attending but sorely missed:
Belgium

Al Ahly 1 - 3 Etoile du Sahel

This result from the African Champions League final is actually pretty stunning, since Al Ahly is one of the traditional powers in Africa.  They came away from Sousse with a 0-0 draw, so to lose on their own field in one of the toughest venues in the world, Cairo International Stadium and give Etoile du Sahel their first African championship... it's quite a result.  And it qualifies the Tunisians for next month's Club World Cup, so in case anybody else was paying attention to that besides me, here's who's in it.

On one side of the bracket, North American champions Pachuca from Mexico play Etoile du Sahel, and the winner of that game goes on to play the Libertadores winner Boca Juniors, from Buenos Aires.  On the other side of the draw New Zealand's Waitakere United, representing Oceania will play an undetermined Asian Champions League winner, which will be either Urawa Red Diamonds of Japan, or Sepahan from Iran (after a 1-1 draw in Esfahan, Urawa Reds host the second leg in Saitama, and I'd have to think they've got the inside track).  The winner of that game faces the European champions Milan, and I'd have to say barring a stunning upset, Boca Juniors will meet Milan in the final.

Coming up before that are the last major qualifiers for next year's Euro, and to my friends with international connections (like any of you are reading this) please look forward to being endlessly heckled this Thanksgiving about your respective country's failure to qualify.  Or just basically any country I choose to assign to you for the heckling purposes.  As per my previous write-up for the one person I know who cares about this stuff, here are the big games coming up this month:

11/17
Netherlands v Luxembourg
Scotland v Italy
Israel v Russia*
Macedonia v Croatia*

11/21
Netherlands v
England v Croatia
France v Ukraine

*-While I don't know a lot of Croatian Jews, these two games determine whether England plays on Wednesday for a spot in the finals, or just as an excuse for 90,000 England fans to buy £90 tickets for a chance to stand and boo for 90 minutes.

MS to Dida and Nobo

Fuck'em if they can't take a joke Dida, you may never have to go back to Glasgow anyways.  For those of you not keeping up on the news, Brazil and Milan keeper Dida was hit with a suspension for his antics in the Celtic - Milan game, when a Celtic fan ran onto the field and hit him.  Dida chased him a few steps before collapsing claiming, and was removed by stretcher claiming a head injury.  His reaction was a bit bizarre, but apparently Dida has been a bit jumpy ever since he was badly burned by a flare thrown at him from the stands a couple years back, so I can't really judge him too harshly for getting spooked and having a bit of a meltdown.  I really do not understand why he was suspended, since his actions only hurt his own club, costing Milan a substitution, and it took place outside the normal course of the game and cast no aspersions on other players, so it didn't even have the potential to affect the result of the game.  The fan is banned from Parkhead for life, and this isn't the first time... that guy who was miming an airplane at Captain America a few weeks after 9/11 got a lifetime ban as well.  This is annoying, because ordinarily I'd be inclined to root for Celtic to upset a giant like Milan, both because Gordon Strachan is hilarious (Can we have a quick word?  "Velocity.") and also because I like to show some solidarity with any fellow Catholics who get shot at with crossbow bolts... stay transubstantiated, y'all.

And to other people with rhythmic monomonikers that sound like lower Manhattan neighborhoods, this link is what I can dredge up for how to connect with Netflix friends.  Having no friends <sniff, sniff> I've never needed to be too clear on the procedure, so I hope that works.

Euro'08 qualifiers winding down

Group A - Poland, Portugal, Serbia, Finland

Belgium has been eliminated, but four teams are still alive in Group A. With two games left to play, the Poles and Portuguese are leading the group by a win or better, with the Serbs and Finns trying to get back in. The Portuguese and Poles can clinch with any stumble by the Finns and Serbs, or by winning next week, so they're almost certainly likely to wrap things up.

Group B - France, Scotland, and Italy

The Ukraine's loss to Scotland put them out of it, and the Scots' loss to Georgia (go Bulldogs) has tightened things up for the remaining three contenders. Italy has a game in hand and will almost certainly win against the Faroe Islands, so they're in control of the group and it really comes down to two games: Ukraine v France, and Scotland v Italy. First comes the Scotland-Italy game, in which the winner gets to the finals and the loser can be eliminated by France if they get at least a draw against the Ukraine. In this situation a draw favors Italy, and an Italian win puts them in with France. The French are also in with a win or a draw, but France is on the road and the Ukrainians have been making France their bitches for a long time.

Group C - Greece, Norway, and Turkey

The Greeks are already in after their win in Istanbul , and with two games left to play the Norwegians have a two point lead on the Turks. The next big game is Norway vs Turkey, and unless the Turks win, Norway is in and they're out. Assuming Norway can handle Malta, the Turks really need to win in Norway and at home against Bosnia to upset the Norwegians.

Group D - Germany, Czech Republic

Due to a really poor showing by the Republic of Ireland, the Germans and Czechs are already in, which is good what with the tournament being in their back yard. Amusingly the Germans just got spanked by the Czechs, and given the weakness of the top seeds (Austria, Switzerland, Greece) the Germans have been accused of throwing the match to try and get a lower seed in the tournament, since the 4th top seed will almost certainly have the toughest draw.

Group E - Croatia, Russia, Ingerland

England really put themselves in a tough spot losing to Russia in Moscow this week, so all the Croats need to lock up a spot is a draw in either Macedonia or London, and the Russians can virtually eliminate England with a win in Israel (trickier than it used to be). An Israeli win would put England (and Croatia) through with a draw, while a draw would mean England probably needs an outright win over Croatia. Should Russia win, they're in, and England would need Croatia to lose in Macedonia and to lose by at least two in London. Bottom line: the Croats need any result, the English need basically a win and a draw by themselves or the Israelis v the Russians, while the Russians can practically lock it up by winning in Israel.

Group F - Sweden, Spain, Denmark, Northern Ireland

The next matchday is the showdown: the leaders Spain v second place Sweden, and the two hangers-on meet when Denmark plays Northern Ireland. Only the winner of the DEN v NI game will still be alive, and really they need to hope one of the two leaders implodes. Basically Sweden and Spain are well on their way to the Alps next summer.

Group G - Romania, Netherlands, Bulgaria

The Romanians are in, and the Dutch can finish it with a win at home against Luxembourg. Should they fail to do so, the Bulgarians can overtake them with a couple of wins and a near-complete implosion by the Dutch. So I wouldn't plan on that happening.

For anyone looking to buy tickets next summer, here's who you're likely to see:

Qualified (5 spots):
Austria (hosts)
Switzerland (hosts)
Greece
Germany
Czech Republic

Almost certain (8 spots):
Poland
Portugal
Norway
Croatia
Sweden
Spain
Romania
Netherlands

Undecided (3 spots):
Any two of Italy, France, Scotland
Either England or Russia (that's the USSR to you, Fred Thompson)

Long shots:

Finland
Serbia
Turkey
Denmark
Northern Ireland
Bulgaria

Not attending but sorely missed:

Belgium

جمهورية العراق 1 – 0 المملكة العربية السعودية

I picked up a copy of World Soccer yesterday waiting for a movie to start, and discovered to my chagrin it was the September issue (meaning it came out in August in the UK), but this reminded me of an game that to my surprise I hadn't commented on when it took place. At the end of July, Iraq won the Asian Cup with a 1-0 win over Saudi Arabia in the final, and this was a remarkable event in several respects.

The first is just the stunning achievement that it represents for such a talented generation of Iraqis to shake off the legacy of Uday Hussein's tenure as minister for sport and win the continental championship, building on their surprise showing at the Athens Olympics. Along the way they had to take on some of the toughest powers in the region, including a couple of Asia's Big 4 that dominate regional competitions (Iran, Saudi Arabia, Japan, and South Korea), and Asian newcomers Australia to boot. The Saudis were looking for a record 4th Asian Cup, and Younis Mahmoud's winning goal was a huge shock to Asian football.

As continental champions, The Iraqis secured a spot in the 2009 Confederations Cup, to be held in South Africa as a World Cup warm-up, along with world champions Italy, American champions Brazil and the United States, and whoever wins next year's Euro'08, African Cup of Nations, and OFC Nations Cup. (I can only hope we don't meet the Iraqis for the nightmare that will be after the sporting press got so worked up about the Iran game in '98.)

There may be a significance to this game beyond the football pitch, because like France's World Cup team in 1998, the Iraqi national team is a unifying symbol: everybody may hate each other, but they all love the national team. This doesn't always work, as in the case of the united Yugoslavian basketball team that was broken up by political pressure and threat of violence, and while the unifying spirit of Zinedine Zidane, Didier Deschamps, and Lilian Thuram winning a World Cup together dealt a body blow to the National Front, racism is very much back in fashion in France. Nevertheless, it is nice to see one non-sectarian, post-Saddam Iraqi institution that is not only functioning but thriving, and hope this promotes the growth of others. And for the rest of us, Iraqi athletes are about the only image the West has of the nation of Iraq as a participant in a larger world culture, so I wish them well.

Iraq 1 -0 Saudi Arabia
'71 Mahmoud

Brasil 4 - 0 United States

It took me a while to finish watching this game I was so disgusted by the first half play. Remember that Simpsons episode where Mr. Burns pulls Darryl Strawberry out of the company softball game and puts in Homer because he likes the righty-lefty match-up, despite Strawberry's 9 home runs (and Steve Sax's run-in with the law)? Basically that's the kind of logic the US went with in this game, benching #1 keeper and blonde sex kitten Hope Solo so they could play Brianna Scurry, because she played a great game against Brazil... three years ago in Athens. Predictably for somebody who's barely played, Scurry was extremely shaky and her defenders were in total disarray, and the whole team just looked beaten and lackluster. Scurry was beaten early and often, and I have to wonder how much energy was sapped out dealing with the locker room controversy. The US went down early, but the red for Boxx meant Brazil kept pushing their heads back down and they never emerged from the hole they were in... the only action the US got was on a Brazil corner Leslie Osborne went diving into her own goal. Trailing and a player short, the US brought in defensive substitutions and bunkered down in the second half, dragging out the inevitable.

I didn't bother to watch the rout of Norway in the 3rd place match once I saw Scurry in goal again. Hope Solo criticized the decision to start Scurry to reporters after the game (which was unwise) and was reportedly frozen out by teammates as a result, which is bad for her given the US residency program and the fact that according to legendary women's soccer coach Anson Dorrance, apparently many female athletes (and David Beckham) would rather lose than play with somebody who isn't their ZOMG bestest friend ever. This means she may never play for the national team again, and next year in Beijing we'll have to hope the increasingly past her prime Brianna Scurry holds up or the US will actually have to start capping Nicole Barnhart and some other green keepers. There were no shortage of keeper controversies last summer, but after initial tantrums (like Gregoire Coupet quitting the team when Fabien Barthez was picked over him) they all got dealt with professionally (Coupet came back after a couple days and apologized). I can only hope the women do the same.

Oh, and Brazil went on to lose to Germany 2-0 in the final, which I was also too irritated to watch after my long-lost cousin Trine Ronning scored an own-goal to start the scoring for Germany in the semi-final. Marta's seventh goal for Brazil also edged out Norway's Ragnhild Gulbrandsen and America's Abby Wambach for the golden boot, so capirinha and sauerkraut are not to be served in my presence until at least after the Beijing Olympics.

Brazil 4 - 0 United States
'20 Osborne (o.g.)
'27 Marta
'56 Cristiane
'79 Marta

Brasil 3 - 2 Australia

While I'm at it, now that I've finally caught last week's Brazil vs Australia quarterfinal, can I just briefly note how un-fucking-believable the pace and tenacity of the Matildas is?  They're like a grown-up version of the New Zealand girls who were so chin-up against Brazil, and both were a treat to watch.  Brazil has the class to blow smaller teams out of the water, but their disorganization and lapses of concentration left a lot of opportunities for the Aussies to just tear them up with the lightning speed of Lisa De Vanna and Sarah Walsh.  I thought Brazil was on their way to a rout with their early goals before De Vanna jumped on a lazy backpass streaking in out of nowhere to beat the keeper to it and tear Australia's way back into the game.  In the second half the Aussies tied it up at 2-2 on a funky setpiece, taking  free kick short and then sailing it in for the black blur that was blonde wisp Lauren Colthorpe flying in to snap a wicked header into goal a split second before Brazilian keeper Andreia would have snared it.  It was epic, and had Sarah Walsh been able to get onto the end of just one of the long passes zipped ahead of the defense for her, this could have been the upset of the tournament.  This is why I'm such a cheerleader for getting another proper women's league started in the United States:  players like this should have a stage to play on, and we're the only market that can support them.   until the summer of 2009 is going to be a long wait.

Brazil 3 - 2 Australia
'4 Formiga
'23 Marta (pen)
'36 De Vanna
'68 Colthorpe
'75 Cristiane

USA 3 - 0 Ingerland

England really came out firing in this game, with the kind of fearless, physical attacking game going right into the teeth of the US defense, like Tyr reaching into the mouth of the Iron Wolf. Unfortunately, they didn't have much sophistication in front of goal, and couldn't finish... Hope Solo (left) isn't telling England how many times they scored. England on both the men's and women's side seems handicapped by strange personnel decisions, and in this game playing a game-changing attacker like Kelly Smith in midfield didn't do much for them. A common feature of teams that under perform in big tournaments is playing some coach's darling up front and pushing out their most talented players, in this case England's lack of midfield depth was supposedly the problem, but Smith was invisible. On the other hand, Karen Carney was all over the field filling holes in defense and taking the ball into the US end, but the current US team gives up a lot of possession and just doesn't allow an end product before whipping back long counterattacks, and Carney rarely got enough space to do anything. The teams that gave them the most trouble were the swarming Koreans who were so quick to get back and prevent counters, and the physical Nigerians.

I thought for a while England's strategy was to have Jill Scott hobble enough players to soften up the US and create some space for England, particularly on one infamous play where she and Alex Scott both went in for the same cross from Carney (for once allowed some breathing room). While Alex Scott was muscled out by Stephanie Lopez, Hope Solo came out of goal and Jill Scott attempted to beat her to the ball with some sort of mistimed Eric Cantona inspired flying kick... she missed the ball but did catch Lopez in the head with her cleat. It was a very physical game in which the refs swallowed their whistles, and despite the ostentatiousness of some of England's fouls (like that flying kick) both teams were about even on that front. The problem is that style of play really works a lot better for a pumped up, athletic American team than it does for the softer side of Europe. At one point when Kelly Smith wrapped up a US defender's arm and pulled her off balance forcing her to stumble, it looked like a subtle, well-executed foul... only before Smith could drag her down the US defender still took the ball away and blunted England's attack. The person who suffered the most was Karen Carney, a diminutive winger who created a lot of England's chances in the games I've seen, but protested loudly as she was pushed around today, while the nastiest aspect of the US game is Abby Wambach's persistent pounding on the opposition until she tears a hole, and she had to love this game.

It was anybody's game until the second half, when the US picked up the pace of the game and outran and out-muscled England, starting with Abby Wambach cracking them open on a set piece. Kristine Lilly floated a ball to the back post where Leslie Osborne made a dummy run, and Abby Wambach having ditched her marker came trailing in behind her, and with no regard for human life went up and over the back of Katie Chapman for the brutal header that put the US up 1-0. In the beginning of the second half, England looked physically and mentally beaten, and minutes later as England tried to start their own attack through Kelly Smith, she received the ball unaware of her surroundings and was dispossessed and taken down for style, and when Jill Scott recovered for England, Shannon Boxx ran right through Scott winning the ball back on the way and taking advantage of the chaos to put a shot just inside the post while Rachel Brown was both sexy in blue and screened by her defenders. The sluggish, confused play continued for England: a couple of minutes later Brown came way out for a ball over her head, misjudged it and ended up only knocking it down for an oncoming Kristine Lilly, who got behind Brown and walked the ball into goal to ice the game for the US. It was just a brutal stretch for England, but it was nice to see somebody other than the Scandinavians and Germans step up in Europe, and other than some brutal lapses England did look sharp.

USA 3 – 0 England
'48 Wambach
'57 Boxx
'60 Lilly

The US goes on to play the winner of the Brazil vs Australia game in the semi-finals, which somebody already told me is Brazil. (I was out of town, I'm a few games behind.)

Deutschland 3 - 0 조선민주주의인민공화국

Whose house? Sandra's house... I know I'm a couple rounds behind, but I was in Chicago with my hands over my ears trying to avoid spoilers on all the WWC games I tivo'd. Nevertheless, it's still interesting to see Germany in action against tougher opposition than Argentina.

In the early going the Germans were off their game offensively, missing badly on their timing, and while they eventually started to get it together, they endured periodic bouts of sloppiness that a better finishing team than the North Koreans could have pounced on. Immediately before half time, Sandra Smisek found herself with the ball at her feet in a crowded midfield, and seeing Kerstin Garefrekes charging forward like a freight train, Smisek laid the ball off for her. The quick Koreans flew past Garefrekes but as the swarming flurry of red shirts tried to turn to meet her, Garefrekes cleared enough space in the middle of three Korean defenders to curl an unstoppable shot into the left post, putting Germany up at the half. Smisek set up Renate Lingor with another lay-off in traffic on a 1-2 play at the top of the box, which Lingor lofted into the far corner with no hope for the Korean keeper. The Germans bagged a third goal to ice the game and allow them to take off some key players when Melanie Behringer put a nasty corner into the box for Annike Krahn, who came in airborne crashing through the Korean back line and knocked the ball down with her thigh, bouncing off the line between a confounded Korean keeper and her far post defender.

The Koreans did get quick counters and poured on pressure whenever the Germans started to relax, but fell apart in front of goal. When the Germans did get it together, it was a sight to see... despite the speed of the Koreans, Melanie Behringer still got unreal separation on the left side to whip in crosses, and Sandra Smisek's quick combinations in traffic were nasty. The Koreans did lock down Birgit Prinz, invisible for the whole game, but Behringer and Smisek create too many nasty opportunities for unsung players... even Smisek's substitute nearly put Germany up 4-0 diving past the Korean back line to get her head on a Behringer cross. What really sank the Korean chances was the physical play of Nadine Angerer in goal, who endured at least two hard collisions with Korean strikers, flying in once like Superman and brushing away a striker like tissue paper, and taking one skull-to-skull shot that left a Korean down and Angerer on her feet looking for the rebound, her thick German skull apparently undented. Seeing the Wombat tangle with Angerer in a USA-Germany final would definitely be a blast.

Germany 3 - 0 North Korea
'44 Garefrekes
'67 Lingor
'72 Krahn

Group of Death: Dead by Dawn

With the US and North Korea matching each other shot for shot, Sweden and Nigeria came into today's games needing to win by three to be sure of advancing out of the group stage, which was exceedingly unlikely, but they both came out fighting... in Nigeria's case, almost literally. Meanwhile the US and North Korea were tied for the group lead and looking to avoid Germany in the quarterfinals. The US took the early lead off a Cat Whitehill throw-in flicked on by Abby Wambach into the path of Lori Chalupny, whose sliding shot took a handy deflection across the soggy ground into the corner to put the US up 1-0. It is still a bit odd after years of intimidation and bunkered down opponents to see the US field a counter-attacking team, but they ceded possession to Nigeria until they'd find space to blitz back into Nigeria's end. The shot that should have put this game out of reach came on a play like that at the end of the first half, as the entire US team sliced into the open spaces of the Nigerian defense, until a cross found Abby Wambach springing up in between the central defenders like a blonde cobra, but her header was weak and straight back into the arms of Nigeria keeper Precious Dede.

The US did hold on to the lead for the rest of the game, but with Sweden leading North Korea in the other game, the Nigerians had a shot and kept pressure up on the US, really bringing it in the last 15 minutes. I really thought they'd tie it up when Perpetua Nkwocha turned the corner on Cat Whitehill coming up the right side, but as Hope Solo came out to cut the angle, Nkwocha pushed it wide looking for the far post. The Nigerians are quick, and a ball across the box might have found a teammate, but there's too much individualism in the last third by African teams. They couldn't get anything past US keeper and clotheshorse Hope Solo, seen here with a message for quarterfinal opponents England. Sizzling in red, regal in green, but the royal blue jersey she wore in this game really brought out her eyes.

USA 1 – 0 Nigeria
'1 Chalupny

Sweden 2 – 1 North Korea
'4 Schelin
'22 Un Suk
'54 Schelin

With the Swedish win over North Korea, the US won the group of death, with the North Koreans joining them in the quarterfinals, which are as follows (paired by semi-final):

Germany v North Korea
Norway v China

USA v England
Brazil v Australia

Norge 1 -1 Australia

I was really fired up to see the mother country in action as Norway, one of the world's top teams, took on the manic Australian side I'd seen jump up and down on Ghana. Especially after the opening goal I thought Norway was going to dominate this game in style, after they broke down the Aussies with overlapping runs into the box and tight, perfectly timed passing to set up this total “We're better, fuck you” goal finished off by Ragnhild Gulbrandsen. Norway's traditional style of play has been very direct using long passes to get past defenders, and this was a new look for them.

The Matildas didn't give up without a fight though, and kept banging away at the Norwegians, getting more of the run of play. Their strategy apparently involved resting star strikers in the first half, and bringing them on for fresh legs late in the game. The last time I remember seeing a line-up turn into such an attack machine so fast was in Euro2000 when France finished the final with a line-up full of strikers and attacking midfielders described as something out of a Nintendo game, but it worked for them, and it worked for Australia too when a long free kick brought Norway too far forward, and Lisa de Vanna took the clearance deep into Norwegian territory. The Norwegian back line raced back ahead of her, passing her and turning to get organized but found De Vanna pivoting to use them as a screen and set up a shot to the upper right corner that gave Norway's keeper no chance to get a hand on it. The Matildas kept going for the win, but the draw was good enough to leave them on top of Group C with a cushion going into their decisive game against Canada. The Norwegians can't be feeling too bad about their chances, since Ghana has been terrible, but today's result may pair them up with Brazil in the quarters.

Australia 1 - 1 Norway
'5  Gulbrandsen
'83 De Vanna

Australia 4pts +3
Norway 4pts +1
Canada 3pts +3
Ghana 0pts -7

Again with the secret filming in sports...

I was really just kidding and looking for an opportunity to amuse myself making salacious comments when I said Tom Brady should have filmed something other than the Jets practice, but I did find the new sports spying story ironic in light of that. Apparently the Danish women's soccer team was holding a strategy session in a hotel conference room, and they all found it curious that there was a giant mirror in the room, like a police interrogation room, and some jokes were made about the Chinese having cameras on the other side to spy on the nefarious Danish soccer team. After having a big laugh, they discovered that there were in fact two Chinese soccer officials spying on their team meeting. This is funny (and sad) for several reasons, one being that a global power with nuclear weapons who allegedly recently tried to hack the Pentagon would turn out to be so bad at spying on people. Didn't they see Die Another Day when James Bond breaks the mirror in his Hong Kong hotel room because he's been on to the Chinese spying on him through it for like 40 years? What are they, the great and powerful Oz, begging Dorothy to pay no attention to the man behind the curtain?

It's also kind of funny to me that these magnificently fit women, all in the prime of their youth and in peak physical condition would hit town, under the all-seeing eye of the Chinese government, and when they went too far, this is the best excess they could come up with. There are certainly different cultural cliches to consider, but when I heard female athletes were being spied on, I remembered that basically every other time I've heard that in America, it wasn't secret cameras in the team meeting, it was holes drilled into the walls of the locker room. The mythical women's locker room that lurks in the fantasy life of the American male, in which lithe female athletes experience a permanent shortage of towels and air dry while they massage each other's sore muscles and rub lotion on each other's bodies until getting carried away experimenting sexually in a steamy group shower... apparently that fantasy doesn't rank so high in the Chinese mind. Seriously China, if you're going to invade people's privacy, couldn't you come up with anything better than checking out marking assignments on corner kicks?

FIFA's reaction is the truly sad part... they suspended Denmark's coach. He said some things they found intolerable, but frankly, unless he threatened to rape their children, I can't think of anything he could have said that I would find objectionable when said in response to FIFA's decision to ignore the issue. As I said before, quoting David Stern, the entire point of sport is that everyone agrees to a set of rules and limitations, and I believe this is what separates sport from other competitions (like seeing who can roll the most tanks through Belgium) and makes it one of the safety valves of world culture. If the Chinese don't get that it's a game, why are we even bothering to play with them? I would guess FIFA's decision almost certainly has to do with a lucrative Olympic soccer tournament on the horizon and an ongoing tournament, but if they ever host another soccer event after skating on this, FIFA and the Asian Football Confederation are nuts.

Danmark 2 – 0 Aotearoa

I'm starting to really like New Zealand, because they're so young and yet so gutsy. You can see the difference between them and their opponents just from a look at their faces or their bodies as they run, it's a team who are very much still girls standing up to some very formidable women. Seventeen year old Ria Percival is sprinting around in these yellow boots like a paddington bear, and they're all just so adorable. They're in way over their heads, but there's still this joy at playing the game that came shining through every time they held off another attack by the Danes. I'm really pulling for them to bag a goal against China before they go home.

In the first half, the Kiwis bunkered down and held off the Danes, with the best opportunities for both teams coming on the same run of play, when a miscue by a New Zealand defender led to a Danish corner. After a dangerous flick into traffic in front of goal, the kiwis cleared it but two midfielders collided fighting to bring down the clearance, and Emily McColl swooped in for it, burning into the Danish half but then slamming on the brakes and turning to maintain possession when she realized she had no support and no targets, fighting off multiple Danish midfielders. By the time her teammates got forward, the Danes had dispossessed McColl and the onrushing New Zealanders had left a lot of open space behind them, leading to a Danish counter-counter-attack. The Danes in true Scandinavian form used the long ball to try to squeeze in behind the New Zealand defense, getting some opportunities out of it.

To keep a clean sheet in the first half, kiwi keeper Jenny Bindon wore her ovaries on the outside, coming way off her line and out of the box to play long balls by the Danes, beating strikers to them by a half yard to make clearances with her feet. So far I haven't seen a keeper take control of the penalty area as authoritatively as Bindon did, covering for an inexperienced defense, as well as coming out and hauling down crosses and corners cleanly in amongst the forest of Danish attackers. She was also clearly having a hell of a good time, and so was I watching her. But eventually making that many risky plays off her line had to come back to haunt her, and when Bindon arrived late on a challenge outside the box, she was lucky one of her defenders hauled down the Danish attacker and drew a yellow card that could easily have gone to Bindon for sweeping out her opponent's legs. Bindon surprised me by getting a hand on the free kick by Katrine Pedersen, but could do little more than deflect it up into the top netting, and the Danes took a 1-0 lead after an hour.

After the hour mark, the kiwis were starting to show their youth and were visibly tired the rest of the way, while the Danes switched tactics a little and started using more controlled passes to break down the sagging New Zealand defense. A few minutes later, the Danes won another free kick, and Pedersen's kick to the far post found Paaske Sorensen beating her marker to get a head on it. Another kiwi defender mistimed her jump for a clearance, and Sorensen's header went back across the face of the goal to the other post, giving no chance for Bindon to get to it. I have to give the kiwis credit though, tired and discouraged as they had to be, within a minute they were right back swirling around the Danish box, tongues wagging but still looking to score. Young and outmatched, but these girls were still class.

Denmark 2 – 0 New Zealand
'60 Pedersen
'66 Sorensen

Group of Death Day Two

USA 2 – 0 Sverige
'34 Wambach (pen)
'58 Wambach

Against North Korea the big story was the Wombat, Abby Wambach, leaving the game to get a gigantic gash in the back of her head stitched up so it wouldn't gush blood into her eyes, and the rush to get her back. Today she lived up to some of that attention, cracking Sweden to put the US on top of the Group of Death, in a game that was a lot more evenly matched than I would have expected. Ultimately the Swedes just got outplayed, and Abby Wambach appeared to be a big part of the difference, converting a penalty in the first half and just accelerating between two defenders to pound a cross home on the second half goal.

조선민주주의인민공화국 2 – 0 Nigeria
'16 Kim
'21 Ri

The North Koreans are quick: they're quick to get bodies up into the box, and they're quick to get back, swarming to the ball on defense. The Nigerians lined up defensively but didn't show much of a counter-attacking strategy, and didn't have the speed or desire to get forward faster than the Koreans could get back. Eventually they did start to push more players forward when the Koreans had them down 2-0 so early, but failed to make the passes they needed to get around the Korean defense, players were holding the ball too long trying to beat four defenders on their own and getting closed down. That kind of individualism has been killing the African Cup of Nations on the men's side where everybody's trying to sign a big contract in Europe, and it's sad to see such a lack of organization and teamwork when there's so much talent in Africa.

North Korea didn't get too organized on offense either, but got enough possession in the last third to create opportunities, particularly by winning corner kicks. On the first, Kim Kyong Hwa scored directly off the corner, exposing one of Nigeria's weaknesses: their keeper Precious “What's in my Pocket?” Dede has a tendency to go on walkabout, in this case straying from the back post and allowing Kim's corner to swing in. The second goal was off a corner as well, when nobody picked up Ri Kum Suk on the back side, and Dede and her defenders left the far post unguarded as well.

Group of Death
USA 4pts +2
PRK 4pts +2
SWE 1pt -2
NGA 1pt - 2

The Swedes can advance by staying organized on set pieces, and most importantly by putting the ball in the air to get behind the Koreans. I can't see Nigeria pulling the upset on the USA, who will go through, but they really need to outperform the Koreans to clinch first place and avoid the Germans in the quarterfinal.

日本国 1 – 0 Argentina

This was a lackluster game between two teams with no real distinctive style, so I can't say I paid too close attention to it, until the end when Argentina started making some slip-ups in injury time. In injury time, Japan found Kinga wide open at the upper right corner of the penalty area, with acres of space to settle and take a shot, which she put right on the ground right into the path of the slumping Argentine keeper. Unfortunately, as in many of these games, the keeper gave up a rebound as the ball dribbled back out of her arms, and the Japanese were the most alert in crashing the box, with Yuki Nagasato finishing it off. Continuing another theme, Nagasato headed a Miyama free kick into the post, barely missing putting Japan up 2-0, which could be critical, since England and Japan are likely to end up going down to goal differential to determine who advances out of their group along with Germany. And really, if they can't put away Argentina, the Japanese don't belong in the next round anyways.

Japan 1 – 0 Argentina
'90+ Nagasato