Why on Draft Day the name on my mind is Manti Te'o

With the NFL draft taking place today, one name is on my mind: Manti Te'o. If you're not familiar with the Manti Te'o scandal, I commend you on consuming better media or at least eating at home instead of sitting next to me at a diner that has ESPN running 24/7. But here's the short version: an outstanding Notre Dame linebacker in his senior season was struck by tragedy right before the biggest game of the year as his fake girlfriend and his real grandmother both died on the same day. This tragedy inspired him to new heights and rallied his team around him, and the power of this narrative made Te'o a Heisman contender and probably put Notre Dame in the national championship game, since the participants are partly decided by polling sportswriters and coaches as to who they would like to see in the Big Game, narrative can still trump quality. And two facts illustrate what a heavy narrative this was for this college football season, for two reasons. The first is the scope of the media coverage: I know literally nothing about this college football season (or really any other season in the last fifteen years) that is not somehow related to Manti Te'o. And second, Alabama's overwhelming victory and 265 yards rushing show that the spectre of Te'o's dead girlfriend was the only reason to want to see the Irish in that game. Seriously, this was such a debacle that college football may have to finally implement a real play-off system... Te'o's fake dead girlfriend actually broke college football, meaning they might have to turn it into something I'd actually watch.

I don't even care that much what the hell happened, what Te'o knew and when he knew it, why somebody would create and perpetuate this hoax, or the seven levels of bizarre behavior that went on in a man having a romantic relationship entirely over twitter with another man pretending to be a woman without ever meeting her, hearing her voice, or even seeing a live image in an era where every laptop has a webcam, or expecting anybody to believe he wasn't in on it... pulling that hoax off without Te'o being in on it seems like it would have been harder than dubbing a Nicholas Cage movie into Cantonese, but I actually don't care either way. What I do care about is the tremendous comedy potential of all of this, especially considering the degree to which football is something I share with my dad.

Watch Where You Put Your U-lock, or reflections on annoyance

They tell you the universe has a sense of humor... they just don't tell you it's not funny. All I could think about this morning was little frustrations: my sticky front brake, not having enough time, and being hungry halfway through class. So then I get out, think I have just enough time to eat lunch and get to work for the rest of the day, and some clown has managed to get her U-lock around my brake line so I can't leave. (I admit I was briefly tempted to lock my bike to hers and just walk to work... let's see how YOU like it.)

So I get to spend my time between class/work walking over to the theater building to see if there's anybody working in a shop who will loan me an allen wrench so i can disconnect my brake and get free (but first I leave a strongly worded note about minding where you put your lock). I catch the lighting supervisor heading to his office in between meetings, disconnect my brake to get free and see a couple random nuts and washers fall that I swear did not come off of my bike (or hopefully don't do anything important), catch Bill to give him his tool back, and race back to work, while realizing too often the universe's idea of humor being really lame practical jokes ("Oh you're in a rush? Haha, locking up your bike!")

On Olympic Women's Archery

So far I think what I've enjoyed most from the London Olympics (besides my sister dressing my nephew in such blatant support of team USA) has been women's archery. I was initially intrigued to watch because during the Beijing Olympics I happened to stumble across the men's gold medal team match between Italy and South Korea, which was one of the more understatedly dramatic sporting events I've ever seen, with lead change after lead change, pressure ebbing and flowing onto each team as each arrow struck... so I thought it'd be fun to see some more archery. Plus I find Koreans to be a bit smug about their two big sports (short track skating and archery) so it's always fun to potentially see a giant killed.


Once I tuned in I was further intrigued and enchanted by a couple things, one being the venue. The archery is taking place at Lord's Cricket Ground, so you have this beautiful old building behind them and the green lawn, very cool. And the first match I saw had American girl Miranda Leek who's out there wearing this baseball cap cocked off to the side to keep the sun out of her eyes. Very cute, very gangsta. They keep raving about how The Hunger Games has caused this big surge in interest in archery for kids, and I have to think Leek in her cock-eyed cap is probably going to help.


I will happily admit I get the most entranced by women who scare me just a little bit, and a woman who can hit the 10-ring from 70 meters with a bow is definitely sexy. I keep thinking of Nicholas Cage in The Weatherman, when he notes that people have started treating him with respect now that he walks around New York City with a bow and arrows slung over his shoulder, and I can't help but picture these women walking around with a bow and a full quiver. "Hey baby, you need some fries to go with that shake?!" "Uh, have a nice day. Ma'am."


By the way, some may say by finding high level women's sports such a sexy affair I am diminishing the athletes, looking at this exhibition of women with power and control and confidence and only seeing sex. I think this is unfair, because for one thing sports really are about the body, and these athletes are showing what a magnificent thing a woman really is. Not "cute", magnificent. I also find I actually enjoy the sports the most where they wear real, practical uniforms (watching beach volleyball or gymnastics with teenage girls in ever shrinking leotards just makes me feel creepy). Plus every woman I've ever been to a sporting event with has breathlessly latched onto some male athlete for reasons that extend beyond their game stats, and if I have to hear about Ricky Rubio's shaggy mane, or the unmentionable places somebody wants to put a Joe Mauer home run ball, I figure I can admit to wanting to marry a Norwegian handball player (crashing into defenders and whipping balls into the corners... Jeg elsker deg.)


In the end, another gold medal for South Korea who has really produced the stiffest competition for the past few years, proudly boasting that the South Korean Olympic qualifiers were a tougher competition than the actual Olympic tournament. But I'm really impressed with the two Mexican ladies who climbed the medal stand with her, for hopefully starting another sporting tradition for Mexico even though beating the South Koreans turned out to be even tougher than dubbing The Weather Man into Cantonese must have been. Although I now must admit, I'm a little concerned for our post-apocalyptic future if the Mexicans can shoot this well.

Zebras 103, Wolves 101

My experience with the Wolves the last few years did prepare me for one thing: I went in knowing the Wolves would lose. And with two minutes to go I knew  Dwayne Wade was going to come up with a clutch shot to kill us and nobody on the Wolves was going to stop him. So my Timberwolves negativity wasn't entirely unwarranted. But despite that little my reward to my pessimism, the Wolves did also provide evidence that things may have changed.

Pessimism does come easily to me right now after the increasing frustrations of the last few months, so I expected a few things besides a Wolves loss. For one, I thought they'd get massacred by Dwayne Wade and his two friends, and where the '08 Wolves are fondly remembered because they'd put up an entertaining fight until opponents turned up the intensity in the 4th quarter, I figured this game would see the Heat up by 30 and clearing the end of the bench by the half. Imagine my surprise when the Wolves were actually leading the game at halftime, and forced a complete game effort by Miami's superstars. I also thought Lebron James would beat Michael Beasley like a rented mule and then chew his way through the rest of the Wolves collection of tweener forwards like the cast of Alien. I wasn't totally wrong on that one since Beasley doesn't have the quickness to stay in front of Lebron (who finished with 34 points and two rebounds short of a triple double) but it wasn't nearly the sad spectacle I was expecting. And to be fair, stopping Lebron is harder than dubbing a Nicholas Cage movie into Cantonese: if the guy had any heart he'd be the best player in the league.

Can I talk myself into Wolves tickets again?

Once again I’ve reached that part of the year where I try to talk myself into the idea that the Timberwolves might be watchable again, after the muddled, unmotivated mess they’ve been for the past couple years, and I've decided to write it all down this year. The Wolves went into the off-season with five ways to improve: Europe, our draft picks, the David Kahn trade blender, seasoning players, and maybe looking like they have a plan.

Europe
Especially since the end of the McHale era, the Wolves have finally started to clue in to the idea that basketball is played on more than one continent, and that second round scouting doesn’t have to be limited to watching a few Big 10 games. Consequently the Wolves have a couple players under contract in Europe, although I can’t say their first big European import (Pekovic) has been all that impressive. But now they have Ricky Rubio, the young Spanish point guard with a silly haircut, coming over to play. Two years ago he was a future phenom who refused to play in a backwater like Minnesota, but growing up a bit and having a bad World Championships seems to have tempered his attitude. Adding a potential future all-star could certainly help make the Wolves watchable again.
Plus: Ricky Rubio

On Singapore Cabs

A quick note about cabs in Singapore: they're cheap but they're weird. I've never met people so averse to earning a fare or keeping a tip as Singapore cabbies, who will quickly dig out and insistently thrust a 10 cent coin at you if you pay your S$9.90 fair with a tenner. The no-tipping policy is culture shock, but the thing that kills me is the unintended consequence of regulation that makes it impossible to find a cab: if you call for a cab in this country they slap an extra S$2 on the fare, so they all lurk around the corner of major destinations waiting for a call. Last night this provided the second of two Singapore cab absurdities as Amstelbooij and I stood outside a restaurant looking at two cabs parked across the street, unwilling to come over and pick us up until they were dispatched... I still can't figure out how these people make money when they spend so much time ducking fares hoping for a dispatch, trying to make sure they get back to the garage just as their shift ends, or my favorite: pulling over for half an hour before sundown and refusing fares because they can charge an extra 50 cents at night. So basically hailing a cab here is harder than dubbing a Nicholas Cage movie into Cantonese, and half of the guys with their lights on are carrying passengers off the books anyways, so it's a mystery how the cab companies stay in business at all.

"it’s strange to be here, the mystery never leaves you", Rosy Simas Danse at Bedlam

I’m generally a major skeptic of dance as an art form. I freely admit, I’ve seen some groups use movement as a critical part of a larger work but when it’s all about the dance I usually find myself wishing I’d sat closer to the door. (No joke, the last time I saw a dance show I seriously considered climbing down the back of the risers and sneaking out the fire escape.) I believe it’s an inherent flaw to the art form, that there’s just something about dance and musical theater that it way too easily turns into heavy handed pretention and repetition, high-strung divas so busy sniffing their own farts they miss that the restlessly bored audience got the whole point in the first three minutes... in short, keeping my attention with dance theater is harder than dubbing a Nicholas Cage movie into Cantonese*.

With that in mind, I have no idea what possessed me to hike down to Bedlam on Friday night for "it’s strange to be here, the mystery never leaves you", a new dance work presented by Rosy Simas Danse. Realistically even the dancers don’t want me there, scowling and jaded and about the worst audience member a dance company could ask for, grabbing a chair up front scowling and rolling my eyes. And after work I really wanted nothing more than to sink into my couch for the night, not shower, change clothes, and head back out into the damp washcloth of humidity this city has been all summer, but some instinct whispered “Go see something. Anything. Find some life somewhere tonight."

To my surprise, I loved it, and I couldn't take my eyes away (even for the cute baby dykes in matching knee-high ring socks sitting next to me). And here I really thought getting stuck with a front row seat was going to be a brutal exercise in forcing a smile and taping my eyelids open. As often seems to happen when people like me who are decidedly not dance aficionados see something we love, I can’t really find the words to explain what I saw in it or why it moved me about all three pieces of the show. I can say that the wet, naked finale in which several dancers gathered in a gentle downpour of water and then slid and spun around the slick stage was beautiful, and oddly reminded me every time I’ve tried to explain sports to art folks: sometimes in that sweaty, emotional celebration of the body you see something brilliant happen. So I may have been selling you short, dancers.

When I got out of the show it was that perfect moment as the heat of the day started to break, and I borrowed a free city bike and rode home with the buzz of that show still in my legs. Everything in the world seemed fresh and fragrant and calm, and I became aware of that paradoxically energized, lavender tranquility that I have spent fifteen fevered years searching for and found in only a few disconnected places, like watching the waves crash into the taiga on Selwyn lake, sweated into the sheets of a certain blonde, or the Baha’i temple in Evanston that seems suffused with it it’s left a purple vein flowing all the way back into the heart of the city… but as usual, I digress.

In short, I simply felt good walking out of the theater that night. And that’s why for all my endless whining, I keep crawling back to the big G, keep dragging myself kicking and screaming to shows when my eyelids and my legs are ready to come tumbling down… because sometimes you see something beautiful and it washes away the rest of the day.

Keep spinning, dancers... I hope we can see this work presented again.

*-He never opens his mouth!

On Watching Too Many Horror Movies

I discovered the other night it's a bit difficult getting to sleep with John Carpenter's Halloween theme quietly running through your head. I decided this after a double feature of G.I. Joe the Rise of Cobra, and Halloween 2 or II... well whatever it is officially, the 9th Halloween movie, which to some would sort of make it Halloween Nein. That combination is enough to give anybody nightmares of being pursued through some deserted lonly place by a spectrish, barechested, drooling Marlon Wayans... you'd think the most upsetting thing from that double header it would be the long series of brutal murders, or maybe a redhead named Rachel (merging a few images from my dark past), but mostly it's just Marlon wayans as a male love interest that made me squirm in my seat.


I wish I could follow Rob Zombie's vision of how he wanted to improve on one of the modern horror icons, but in so many remakes a director must always blow your mind by taking whatever was iconic about the original and turning it upside down and inside out, and then deny that he just sort of missed the point. And then I think drop half his own story to get the project completed on time, which in this case was a couple months early, so the DVD would be out by Halloween... somehow that fills me with sadness to think of actual movie theaters as an increasingly pointless marketing exercise. I hesitate to analyze further, because I still have this vivid memory of over-analyzing certain vaginal images in the original remake (???) and being accused of mockery by the girl who'd invited me over to watch it. (Oddly when I tell that story nobody has a problem imagining that I would find esoteric sexual detail in that film worth over-analyzing, but they don't believe a girl would invite me over to watch it.)

Annoying Timberwolves Update: Uh, who plays for them again?

Since the Wolves hit the Big Reset Button two years ago and traded Kevin Garnett to Boston, fans have been not so patiently waiting for young talent to mature, and for the team to dig its way back out of salary cap hell, and assemble something resembling an actual NBA team rather than Big Al and the seven dwarfs. Two years and a lot of trades later the Wolves haven't really improved, and are still buried under a mound of McHale-era contracts, but with every trade they did accumulate more and more draft picks this year and next. In order to sort it all out I felt like I had to write it all down, and at that point why not share it with my loyal readership-*?

Part I: What's changed since the end of the season?

The draft brought about another flurry of activity that had a few players join the Wolves and be traded away before they had a chance to be issued a number, or start to brush up on the local dialect and try some hot dish. And the Wolves had so many draft picks and potentially so many rookies coming in that they had to trade some of them straight up for picks in next year's draft. So now I'm trying to sort out for myself what they ended up with, and what this means for next year.

The Lost Boys: a case against GPS

Don't get me wrong, it was nice to see Corey Feldman was able to tap back into his scowling, growling persona of Edgar Frog 20 years after last performing the role. Actually I suppose all he had to do was put on that stupid headband. It's also funny to see Corey Haim's cameo, where the meth-face makes him look about twice Feldman's age. But wow, what a shitty movie. I accept that trashy cinema is going to be derivative, but the foundations of this movie were laid pretty bare, trying to update Point Break... only with vampires this time.

Bad things come in threes, so I thought I'd wash down that piece of crap with two more bad movies: the listless Prom Night, and the vapid remake of Prom Night. I did recently see a movie about a sleazy maniac who kills people for no apparent reason and the closeted lesbian who fights back that took a very old formula and did it right, so it's possible High Tension just spoiled my appetite for crappy slasher movies. But there's still no excuse for either version of this film ever being released.

I thought a comparison of the remakes to the originals, separated by decades, would be at least amusing and worth a decent rant. But it wasn't... just boring, sadly. There's not even a decent joke about dubbing Nicholas Cage into Cantonese to be had here.

The last three movies I've seen in the theater

Rambo

Obviously I wasn't the only one waiting with growing anxiety over the last twenty years to find out whatever happened to John Rambo after he single-handedly chased the Russians out of Afghanistan. No, there was at least one other person in the theater when I saw it, and the movie did make back almost half of its production budget, proving demand is strong for new tales of blowing shit up and wiping your mouth with the American flag.

Actually though it wasn't all that bad. And the Rambo franchise, like the song "Born in the USA", was never quite so rah-rah America anally raping communism pigs as people who never saw the movies probably thought. The original concept for this character is a green beret with severe untreated PTSD from years of imprisonment and torture in Vietnam who gets pushed out of town by a good ol' boy sheriff, and the latest sequel returns to that origin. An aging Rambo has returned to Thailand, barely able to cope with human contact and making a living trapping snakes in Thailand. When a group of Christian missionaries ask him for help getting into Myanmar and predictably get themselves captured by warlords, he goes back to the one thing he knows how to do: kill an entire army with homemade weapons. And the movie really delivers on its promise of the old Rambo howling through the bamboo like the angel of death, without ignoring the last twenty years of his continuing breakdown. So I liked it. I'm not thinking Stallone has a SAG award in his future, but really, this was about the best you could hope for resurrecting the Rambo franchise, and a pleasant surprise.

Street Kings

What a difference letting the suits do the casting makes. Street Kings is full of great actors, including comedic actors like Hugh Laurie, award winning actors like Forest Whitaker, annoying but effectively cast actors like Jay Mohr, typecast actors like Noel Gugliemi (everybody's favorite Latino banger), underrated actors like Chris Evans (who really needs a better agent), strangely named actors like Cedric the Entertainer, and non-actors like Common and The Game, and they all do really well. And then there's the lead... Keanu Reeves never provides a single genuine moment in this film, and his usual post-concussive style of acting drowns the whole movie. He's like that horrible child corpse at the end of Friday the 13th that pops out of the water to drag down the canoe; just when you think the movie's really turning into something interesting, there's Keanu giving line readings like he's just been repeatedly punched in the face. Getting a decent performance out of Keanu Reeves is like dubbing Nicholas Cage into Cantonese, with the right material some directors have done it, but apparently David Ayers isn't one of them.

Iron Man

Iron Man was a blast. Iron Man and The Dark Knight have already restored my faith in comic book adaptations after the recent Spider-Man, Superman, and Fantastic Four debacles, and The Dark Knight hasn't even come out yet. But Iron Man was a hell of a lot of fun, and proves the power of decent casting, especially when it comes to female leads in popcorn movies. Robert Downey jr is perfectly cast as peripatetic playboy Tony Stark and Gwyneth Paltrow can be great when she's given something other to do than quiver her lower lip, and Terence Howard is always great no matter what awful movie he's in (seriously, he brought his A game to that 50 Cent biopic) and Downey's mile-a-minute banter against Howard's straight man and Paltrow's deadpan make this a hilarious film to watch. The timing is so good I laughed out loud at every gag, even when I knew it was coming, including Jim Cramer's hyperactive, studio-destroying sell rating against Stark Industries stock, and my favorite Stan Lee cameo ever. Jeff Bridges is delightfully bald and conniving, and while staying light, the film does find enough depth and scale to make a hero out of Tony Stark... it's just a great movie. And stick around for the post-credits teaser.

Vikings Draft Errata

I would be remiss not to correct a couple errors and just general wishful thinking:

1. The Vikings vanishing 7th round pick

The Vikings traded their 7th round pick to the Packers in order to move up in the 5th round and take QB John David Booty. That's interesting to me, that they had their eye on him enough to be monkeying around with the Packers to be sure they got their guy. I doubt Booty slips away to the practice squad, and despite Childress talking about keeping 4 QB's, I hope they just cut Bollinger loose after training camp so I don't have to watch him getting sacked on the first play of every drive.

2. The Vikings do have a glaring hole besides wide receiver, and that's offensive tackle. Ryan Cook was not too impressive on the right side, and Bryant McKinnie's recent arrest makes it possible they'll be completely without a left tackle. Not having a tackle covering his blind side makes it more likely Tavaris Jackson will convincingly dub a Nicholas Cage movie into Cantonese than successfully get a pass off. Hopefully there's some sort of plan in place, otherwise I want Bollinger to start next year... if we're going to get a QB killed, it should definitely be him.

2008 Vikings Draft

This draft was a quiet one for the Vikings, because despite entering with eight picks (four on each day) they traded way most of their early picks. Here's what they got:

Trade - DE Jared Allen

The Vikings traded their first round pick and two third round picks to the Chefs for former Idaho State Bengal and 4 year NFL veteran Jared Allen, who has accumulated 43 sacks and 2 DUIs in his career so far, including 15.5 sacks last season alone (and no DUIs). The nonexistent pass rush really was the Achilles Heel of last year's Vikings defense who found getting to the QB late in games to be more difficult than dubbing Nicholas Cage movies into Cantonese, so Allen could make a huge impact on the right end. If Ray Edwards can slide over to left end the Vikings could remain tough against the run while seriously improving their pass defense.

This trade has been controversial given Allen's alcohol abuse and the high price the Vikings paid, but given the poor development of all the mid-1st round defensive ends the Vikings have taken the last few years, trading up or trading for a veteran was a must. The other glaring position of need for the Vikings has been at receiver where the team hasn't had anybody who could beat single coverage since trading away Randy Moss in 2005. Since no receivers were drafted in the 1st round, the receiving class was obviously too thin to use a first round pick there.

2nd round - FS Tyrell Johnson

With Darren Sharper not getting any younger and Dwight Smith parking his car in the middle of 4th St to partake of the Good Herb, the Vikings secondary certainly needed depth, and a replacement for Smith. Johnson was a strong presence in college who could crash the line of scrimmage, and also set conference records for interception return yardage. He's tough and speedy, and could potentially work out at either safety spot or cornerback. Plus in college he was a Red Wolf, how Minnesota is that? The Vikings swapped a 4th rounder for a 5th rounder to move up in the 2nd round and get Johnson.

Rounds 5, 6, & 7

They say an NFL team is built with 2nd-4th round draft picks, and the Vikings traded away two 3rd rounders and a 4th rounder to secure Allen and Johnson, so this is definitely a light draft. Starting in the 5th round, teams start to gamble, and while a 5th rounder is expected to survive training camp (even if he may never pan out) a 6th round draft pick generally has some glaring shortcomings and may never make the team, although many 6th rounders go on to become superstar players. A 7th rounder is a warm body for drills in training camp. All that being said, John Randle and Robrt Griffith were both undersized defenders who got invites to Vikings training camps after going undrafted and later went to the Pro Bowl, so a smart team that knows where to dig can find some buried pirate treasure in later rounds.

5th Round - DT Letroy Guion & QB John David Booty

So of course with their first 5th round pick the Vikings picked up a QB named Booty ("Hey professor, what's another word for pirate treasure?") who while not exactly eye-popping, could develop into solid back-up. He is an accurate passer suited to the short crossing routes favored in the West Coast Offense that Brad Childress claims he's running (even if he does constantly have receivers stopping and coming back for the ball). On the other hand if he rises above the practice squad or #3 QB in the next couple of years, the Vikings have some serious problems.

Defensive tackle (those are the guys who play in the middle) Letroy Guion didn't start too many games at Florida State, but he was productive in a good program with a tough schedule. Weighing in at over 300 lbs (that's ~138 kilos for those of you who've been living in Europe too long) he's not too quick but reportedly changes direction quickly enough to find routes into the backfield, and given the Vikings need for pass rushers, I'm willing to give a shot to a guy who got 12.5 sacks off the bench for the Seminoles last year. Hopefully he could be depth at under tackle or come in on passing downs.

6th Round - C John Sullivan & WR Jaymar Johnson

I have no idea what Notre Dame center John Sullivan has going for him other than he supposedly has the smarts to play center if not the build. The Vikings current center was a late round pick with a Harvard degree, so maybe smarts are underrated for the guys who have to know the playbook well enough to call out blocking assignments at the line of scrimmage, and every play begins with the O-line forming a wall or opening up a lane. On the other hand Birk an pull out from the middle of the line and come charging around the end to surprise the fuck out of a linebacker on a screen or a sweep. Nevertheless, I'll be interested to know what Sullivan brings to the table other than an intimate familiarity with Touchdown Jesus.

Jaymar Johnson will require a lot of work on the practice field and in the weight room, because in the pros he can't just outrun everybody like he did at Jackson State. The Vikings desperately need receivers, so opportunities will certainly arise as a return man or 4th wide-out on a roster that features such luminaries as Bobby Wade, Bernard Berrian, Sidney Rice, and Aundrae Allison ahead of him. (Actually I have high hopes for Rice and Allison in their second year).

And that's the 2008 Vikings draft, which accomplished the following goals:

1. Developing a pass rush - Jared Allen could be a game changer
2. Keeping the secondary from crumbling - Tyrell Johnson could be a strong addition
3. Depth on the D-line, O-line, at receiver, and QB

The glaring problems that remain:

1. Quarterback
The quarterback situation is still a mess, and Booty isn't going to change that. The Tardis needs to get a lot better and the team needs to get a veteran in the #2 slot who can help him learn. I can only hope Hopefully Gus Frerotte is that guy.

2. Wide Receiver
Somebody's got to step up and give Jackson a target on the sidelines, crossing the middle, or downfield, because as much we all like finding a tight end and going deep, TE Visanthe Shiancoe and the backs shouldn't be the only passing options. Adding Jaymar Johnson won't help that, but hopefully Berrian will have a break-out year, more likely the continued development of Sidney Rice could help a lot and the speed of Aundrae Allison could add another option.

Overall, I'm optimistic. I like the Tardis and I have some hopes that a steadier hand behind him will make a difference as will the presence of some targets to throw to, and everybody will have learned a bit from last year. For the receivers, I'm definitely going long on Rice futures (as soon as anybody from the rice pit at the CME gets back from their six martini lunch and takes my call) and a single reliable option would be 1000% more than the Tardis had last year. Add that to a tremendous running game and a defense without the glaring deficiency against the pass late in games, and the Vikings should be back in the play-offs, hopefully as a division winner.

One night in poetry class

I recently slipped a poetry class here at the Guthrie, mainly because the class was almost empty and I didn't want the instructor to get lonely, but also because like every well-read and underemployed person under the age of 40, I believe in me the soul a poet lurketh, lurketh like the lemming lurketh lowers't the ledge, laughing, laughing! (That was a joke, even I aim higher than that.) It was actually a surprisingly good class with a great instructor, and the small size of the class allowed us to collaborate on a poem in Elizabethan short verse about a clown trying to pick up a hooker (oh it's anything goes at the G-spot).

As it happens, recently I've been too busy walking around Chinatown in the rain trying to evoke Harrison Ford in Blade Runner, and then huddling under blankets rubbing tiger balm on my chest to ward off the bird flu to add anything to my blog, so I thought I'd just share with my vast readership the product of one of the various poetry exercises from that class:

Wily xanthous yelling Zulus after ball careening down every field, green hellions in jest keeping laughter momentarily nestled over poisonous questions racing sideways under veils.

Since that class was poetry for the stage, I also had to do a dramatic reading in character of another poem I wrote, in front of professional actors, which to me was a more daunting prospect than dubbing a Nicholas Cage film into Cantonese. So picture if you will, a grizzled Roman senator standing with the ultras at a Lazio game. In the middle of all this flashing yellow chaos my senator stands fixed in his resplendent red and white toga like a fluted ionic column being washed over by the tide, immovable, reappearing behind every wave. And he says to himself and the audience this piece of verse (nodding in the second line to the flashing jumbotron suspended over the field):

A new bread and circus
under Jove's blinking eye
I am the dying Gaul coughing
"Ca plus change, ca plus meme*"

(*-The more things change, the more they remain the same)

A Bit of Film and Theater, featuring bits of Michael Gondry and bits of Wendy Wasserstein*

Be Kind Rewind

After reading Nobo's sweded review, I had to see this movie to find out what "sweded" meant, and it was enjoyable research. I haven't laughed as hard in a long time as I did at some of the sight gags in Be Kind Rewind. For those of you who didn't catch the extraordinarily self-explanatory trailer, this film is about a couple of guys in a Passaic, NJ video store who, after accidentally destroying their whole inventory, start filming their own 20-minute versions of movies to rent to customers.

It's not only hilarious, but also makes a running commentary on several ideas surrounding the film industry. Very briefly amongst all the Jack Black posturing and Mos Def mumbling and bumbling the film will slip in a question, like is what these guys are doing only miming (badly) the work of others or are they making creative decisions? Do they deserve 3 billion dollars in civil penalties for copyright infringement, or have they really hurt anybody, and who do these stories belong to once they've been so blended into pop culture? Interestingly, the film never lingers over any of these questions and never really finds a meaningful conclusion to any of its various potential subplots, except maybe one.

The closest it comes is in the homemade film about Fats Waller that intersperses much of the action in Be Kind Rewind, a short film that becomes so untethered from Fats Waller and from history in general, and falls so short of its intended purpose that we're left wondering what the point of it was. But there is a meaning to that little homemade film: when everything in the theaters is a 10th generation copy that can be boiled down to a one-sheet and a couple scenes to stick in a trailer, why not get off the couch and make your own movie? Create your own content, be part of building something rather than consuming and buying copies. Yeah, you're probably not going to change the world or even save the video store, but it's still a lot more fun than Transfomers.

Third

The unwillingness of Be Kind Rewind to pursue a line of thought until it could be nailed to a particular conclusion really reminded me of one of the best plays I've read and seen in the last year. (This year it was 1776, The Home Place, and Third that I wish could run forever until everybody I knew could see them or maybe just until Benjamin Franklin sprained his ankle jumping over Richard Henry Lee's whip in their big dance number.) The play is about a middle-agd feminist professor who collides with a young student, nicknamed "Third", over his analysis of King Lear, and that's the great thing about both Third and Be Kind Rewind: I can tell you the problem that forces people into conflict or into action, but that isn't what either work is really about.

I could write a book about Third, because there are so many different ways to attack Wendy Wasserstein's final play, but part of the point is Third is everything that Professor Laurie Jameson and the other people around her are not. He's young and vital where Laurie's body is reminding her she's old enough to have two adult children, and her father's mind is fading fast while her best friend is quietly succumbing to cancer. He's a white man born in the 80's who doesn't resent the man or remember any of the various revolutions in academia and culture that formed her character. And most of all in an environment of people trying to redefine themselves and sharpen that identity to an edge that will slice apart the dominant memes around them, Third actually likes who he is.

The indefinable nature of the play is also why I loved the Guthrie's production, because it was so different from what I envisioned. Third was more social than I read him, and Laurie less angst-ridden and more witty. And it was so unbelievably beautiful. As I'm sure I've raved about before, the set was a white box onto which all of the sets were projected, while furniture slid in front, occasionally with Sally Wingert seductively draped across it. The scene of Laurie finding her senile father disoriented and out in the rain, with these gorgeous moving projections of nautical charts behind them, it was an absolutely beautiful scene where they both blessedly regress a bit, dancing in the rain. As his light fades, Jack isn't entirely sure who he's dancing with, but he excitedly tells her all about his beautiful daughter Laurie, who's so smart and looks just like Marilyn Monroe. Laurie the commanding professor, embattled mother and cultural warrior goes back to be her father's darling child for a few more minutes in the rain, and even lets him lead.

Playing the rapidly fading Jack Jameson was Raye Birk, actor and educator with a host of film, television and theater credits, for instance he delivered the mail at Cheers (the bar wasn't on Cliffie's route). Sally Wingert and Angela Timberman brought a very different energy to Professor Jameson and her ill friend Professor Gordon, but the two characters who were practically all-new when I saw them on-stage were Tony Clarno's Third and Emily Gunyou Halaas who brought a strange name and a very natural presence to the role of Laurie's daughter Emily, whose failure to emerge as a rebellious bisexual vegetarian driven to found her own ecotopia is a major disappointment to her mother.

I can only hope more theaters decide to share this play with the world, because that was just a brilliant show. Topping the job Casey Stangl (one of the few women directing in the theater) did bringing it to the Guthrie stage would be harder than dubbing Nicholas Cage into Cantonese, but I hope people continue to try. Five years after its premiere, the atmosphere of this play set in the run-up to the Iraq War with the Blue State-Red State simplified political map waiting in the wings seems even more relevant, and more insightful with hindsight. Just so long as they don't make a movie and cast Gwyneth Paltrow playing Laurie as a teenager afraid to raise her hand in class, with lower lip in full quiver. (Not that anybody would do that or anything.)

*--Title of this post shamelessly borrowed from "A Bit of Fry and Laurie", which proudly advertised itself as having bits of Hugh Laurie and bits of Stephen Fry, with pictures of their ears and noses and other "bits" in the opening credits. And that was damned funny as well.

PAPAIA Sample Questions

For an MBA to become a VP without running afoul of the SEC or the CFTC and going MIA in Cell Block D he or she needs to do more than sit around sipping VT’s and reading the FT, you need to pass the P.A.P.A.I.A. (that isn’t as dirty as it sounds). That test is harder than DNCn2C*, so keep this on the QT but here are some sample questions I dug up for any BMOC thinking they can knock that thing out EZ:

1. When assets under management for a single client grow greater than $10m, the client should receive:

a. A free toaster
b. An updated copy of IRS form I69
c. A hand job
d. All of the above

2. What does 2 and 20 refer to?

a. 2% management fee, 20% incentive fee
b. The Spitzer Limit: more than 2 hookers and 20 lines of coke is overkill
c. CDO^2 = square your CDO for 20 times the losses
d. 200% management fee, 20% incentive fee

3. A statistical distribution with long tails is characteristic of:

a. Leptokurtosis
b. Platykurtosis
c. Necrokurtosis
d. Kurthawkosis

4. Reporting only years with high returns is an example of:

a. Selection bias
b. Sound marketing
c. Bullshit artist bias
d. All of the above

5. An example of zero-risk investment is:

a. US treasury bonds
b. Inflation-adjusted US treasury bonds
c. Nazi gold in a vault in Zurich
d. A house with no flood insurance (housing prices always go up, right?)

6. When Goldfinger threatened to irradiate all the gold in Fort Knox, this was:

a. A hedge
b. Volatility arbitrage
c. Still less risky than shorting CROX
d. Page 16 of the Bear-Stearns employee handbook

7. Primary risks of the carry trade include:

a. Exchange rate fluctuations
b. Your dumb friend who won’t shut up about the Big Mac Index
c. Yellow Fever mixed with Montezuma’s Revenge
d. Waking up in the middle of the night and realizing you have no tangible assets and you’re counting on sleazy guys in fake Versace shirts paying you enough rubles to keep a bunch of stressed out guys with samurai swords on the wall from going all Katsumoto on your ass

8. A regression with high F-stat and a low p-value (below .05) means:

a. 95% of the chicks you fuck with will only do “everything but”
b. All independent variables are statistically significant
c. There is less than a 5% chance you know what the F-stat option b) means
d. Something about Roman coins

9. Commodities trades in the US are regulated by which agency?

a. The SEC
b. The Commodity Futures Trading Commission
c. The Bureau of Printing and Engraving
d. The FAA (because at the first sign of trouble I’m on the next plane)

10. Making the last person out of a cab pay the fare is known as:

a. Nimbleness incentive fee
b. Leveraging the middle traunch
c. The Canary Wharf Cut and Wun
d. Bitch seat arbitrage

Scoring:  For every question you answered a, b, c, or d, deduct one point, as the correct answer is "OMG who gives a fuck?" In question 10, extra credit for diving out the window before the cab comes to a complete stop.

*-Dubbing Nicholas Cage into Cantonese

Annoying Euro2008 Update: The Draw

The draw for the Euro'08 Finals in Switzerland and Austria is complete, and wow, does Europe ever need to do some research on the concept of seeding. Group C was always going to be a beast because of the top seeds that had to go to weak hosts Switzerland and Austria and defending champions Greece, so the was guaranteed to have two of the top five teams in Europe in it, but UEFA went a little overboard, putting the finalists of the last World Cup (France and Italy) together again, and Holland as a third seed. Clasping their heads in their hands and looking skyward to ask "What have we done to deserve this fate?" are Romania, who will find qualifying out of that group more difficult than dubbing Nicholas Cage into Cantonese.

This conveniently groups the headquarters of three of the five Romance languages together so all the hooligans will understand each other. Presumably since they couldn't squeeze in one of the Iberian teams they threw in the Dutch who speak five languages and smoke marijuana, and have a hooligan army ready to spring out of a windmill at a moment's notice. Sales of French-Dutch pocket dictionaries in Den Haag have gone through the roof... everything through practice!

Germany gets the easiest group in my opinion, although they do get their old friensd the Poles in a neutral field rematch. The Germans decided previously decided to schedule their Germany'06 match as far west from Poland as possible... like Pennsylvania. Rounding out that group are Austria and Croatia.

Switzerland has a couple decent opponents in Portugal and the Czech Republic, and any of those three could advance. I wouldn't disregard the Turks either, so the Swiss could be back to stacking gold bars and snorting blow off Martina Hingis in the first week.

Greece have the advantage of the "No Home Field Advantage" group drawn from the farthest corners of Europe: Greece in the south, Russia in the east, Spain in the west, and Sweden in the north. Spain is pretty good in the early rounds before crumpling against their first competent opponent (and occasionally squeezing past a minnow like Ireland on PK's) but the Swedes have a few tricks like the ninja skills of Zlatan Ibrahimovic, the Russians are still looking to make a mark on the international scene in the post-Evil Empire era, and the counter-attacking Greeks are always ready to roll out a trojan and fuck somebody.

And if you really want to know more about Euro'08 or qualification, I still say Peter Godfrey's site is the best for results: http://www.eofl.co.uk/eu2008

Annoying 2008 Election Update: Ohio and Texass

The Clinton firewall strategy worked, sort of. Senator Clinton won the Ohio Primary by a signficant margin which is actually a big deal given the importance of Ohio as a swing state, and the Rhode Island Primary, while Obama won in Vermont. In Texas, it's a bit less clear. Clinton won the primary that assigned two thirds of all delegates while Obama has a lead in the caucuses that started after the primaries, however the precinct caucuses in Texas were such a mess that many didn't get started until 11pm, and only 40% have even bothered to call in and tell anyone the results. Technically the results aren't official until the end of the month when Texas has its senate district conventions, but unofficial results were suppposed to be called in to the state party... I don't know if these people don't have email or if they're still waiting for the weekly train that delivers the mail to west Texas.

Here's the bottom line: Hillary Clinton didn't deliver a crushing blow in Ohio, and she barely won the Texas primary and lost the caucus, which means she won't pick up that many delegates or cut into Barack Obama's lead. At this point, she would have to win every remaining contest 70-30 to finish with more pledged delegates than Senator Obama, and that isn't going to happen, Democrats are too evenly divided to all break for her. Even if she can't win the remaining primaries, here's a reminder of all the ways she has to get more delegates and effectively steal the nomination, plus one new one:

1. Florida and Michigan

Being the only candidate on the ballot helps, and getting the delegates restored could swing things her way. This cuts both ways: if they have caucuses to assign those delegates, she's screwed because the only people passionate enough to wait around and sign in at a caucus support Obama in overwhelming numbers.

2. John Edwards' pledged delegates

Promising to make Edwards Attorney General or VP and getting his 26 delegates might actually help a lot in this race.

3. Steal caucus delegates

Senator Clinton, if you're reading this and you make me Secretary of Transportation, I might switch my vote at the district caucus, you never know.

4. Superdelegates

This is tough because the Superdelegates have started swinging to Obama and might do so in greater numbers now to hasten his victory and unify the party against McCain. Also see #5:

5. Republican voters

With McCain certain to win the Republican nomination, Republicans have started crossing over in states with open primaries to vote for Senator Clinton because she's the best way to motivate the Republican base to turn out and vote for McCain, and her opportunism, flip-flopping, and ethical issues make her easier an easier opponent to poke holes in. This helped her win the Texas Primary, but it may also drive superdelegates away from her who don't want Republicans picking the party nominee.

Because Obama is finding the task of winning a big state and finishing off Clinton to be harder than dubbing Nicholas Cage into Cantonese, the Republicans are starting their campaign early while Democrats are dragging each other down in an increasingly negative campaign that sadly seems to undermine what many people liked about Obama in the first place. Up next are small events in Wyoming and Mississippi, but the big deal is the April 22 primary in Pennsylvania: a big win there could make somebody president.

Annoying 2008 Election Update: One got all frizzled up...

...and then there was one. Kind of. Just about everybody has officially conceded that John McCain is going to be the Republican nominee and the most conservative candidate with even a slim hope of victory. Here's how it all happened, in a cascading series of events:

1. John McCain won a lot of winner-take-all states and did okay in the proportional representation states, building up a huge lead in delegates, so everybody else became a long shot.

2. Mitt Romney suspended his campaign but never released his nearly 300 delegates, and hasn't ruled out the possibility he would re-enter the race, like if McCain were to be abducted by ninjas before the convention. I know that sounds unlikely, but a guy who can spend $42.5m of his own money to come in a distant second probably has the money to run a secret dojo of secret assassins somewhere underneath the streets of Boston. (Every time part of the Big Dig has to be closed down for "flooding" it's just because somebody got too close to Romney's Bond villain lair, and his secret army of Teenage Mormon Ninja Turtles.)

3. Ron Paul decided to focus on his congressional race when Romney dropping out and McCain steamrolling everyone else meant there was no possibility of a brokered convention where Paul's delegates could swing the nomination.

4. McCain started ignoring Huckabee and campaigning against the Democrats, and Huckabee played nice because he still wants to be vice president.

5. The New York Times printed a story about McCain having an affair with a lobbyist that involved a lot of innuendo and not a lot of facts. Instead of doing a politician's denial and leaving himself room to weasel about the meaning of the word "the" like someone else we know, McCain unequivocally denied it, basically doing the Sam Jackson "Say 'what' again! I dare you!" scene from Pulp Fiction daring the NYT to contradict him and staking his political career and his legacy on it being a bullshit story. For conservatives, being attacked by the NYT is like an endorsement, so McCain picked up yardage as the conservative talk radio hosts (who were previously claiming their audience would desert the party if he were nominated) all circled the wagons around McCain.

6. With Romney and Paul hanging onto 302 delegates and McCain having another 1064, Mike Huckabee can win at most 1014 delegates, but he needs 1191 to win. Huckabee says he needs a miracle, and appeared on SNL in a sketch where he wouldn't leave the stage when his bit was over and it was time for him to go, sheepishly saying "Sorry, I usually pick up on these things."

So McCain can't be beaten, but nobody will drop out. This does seem mysterious, but there are some possibilities:

1. Conservative Republicans might stage a backlash to McCain he couldn't recover from. The NYT seems to have forestalled this possibility by giving him their endorsement.

2. McCain might die before the convention. The guy is in his 70's, and if he has a stroke in March that leaves half his face paralyzed, he's not going to be president.

3. McCain could suffer some other political embarrassment that makes him drop out, like if he adopts a wide stance at the Minneapolis airport and restlessly taps his foot waiting for his prune smoothie to kick in. (The Republican Convention is in Minnesota, so that's going to be one busy bathroom.)

4. McCain could get it over with and pick Huckabee or Romney as his running mate, so he can act presidential, shore up his base and woo independents while the Democrats are still squabbling. Either one would bring enough delegates to make the nomination official, and McCain needs somebody ready to take over the job since there is a serious risk he'll die in office.

5. The horse may learn to sing hymns, and Huckabee could run the table, or Romney who is still on the ballot could stage some resurgence, and they could convince caucus delegates to switch their votes, although given the giant lead McCain has in delegates they'd have an easier time trying to dub Nicholas Cage into Cantonese--

--Oh, holy shit! As I was writing that this asian woman came up behind me and scared the living daylights out of me. Fucking Republican ninjas.

Anyways, if something crazy happens, either Romney or Huckabee could be back in it as a candidate or a power broker if McCain should stumble. And McCain's vice president is likely to run in 2012 as the heir apparent, so forcing his hand on picking you isn't such a bad idea if you have enough delegates to clinch his nomination, but McCain is likely to be the nominee by next Tuesday and render all of this moot.

Three Things Amstelbooij is Not Allowed to Buy

1. Gasoline

Powering up the DMX requires some sort of super-premium rocket fuel refined in Switzerland with flecks of gold mixed into it, and with the huge premium attached to buying gas in Cook County scraping together enough coin for a fill-up is harder than dubbing Nicholas Cage's movies into Cantonese. I wondered why he did all those triathlons, now I know it's because at $17.86 a mile he ain't going by car.

2. Pr0n

Still can't hide it from the lady of the house, still sending me to Keg & Cask for the latest copy of Inches.

3. The Torch

Wicked Lasers has come out with a new 4,100 lumen flashlight which is for the time being the brightest thing on the market, and god help us if Amstelboy gets ahold of one. The damn thing is so powerful the beam will light paper on fire, and the instruction video should have $@%&'ing Yoda in it for a beam that hot. The last thing we need is a remote detonation system for fireworks dropping into Amstelboy's hands, so he has absolutely got to be stopped from dropping $300 on one, blinding people and engulfing the north side in flames. To find out more there's an article on slashdot, and to see the insanity of this thing for yourself here's a video of The Torch being used to light a cigarette.