Ladies and gentlemen, since I'm here tonight in a tuxedo, and because I started drinking at 9am, I'd like to sway to my feet and say a few words about the wonderful thing we've just witnessed. Some of you may not know this, but PJ spent a lot of time looking for the right person to spend his life with. He went to Singapore, he went to Hong Kong, and he went to Hydrate. He went to Bangkok, up and down the Reguliersdwarsstraat, up to the Gold Coast Cafe, over to Tokyo, down to the Bijou with a fist full of poppers, to Kuala Lumpur, to Bangcock (the other one), and of course he took the red line down to Chinatown. All that time he was just looking for the perfect match, waiting to hear what the Dutch call the Witte Muis Gepiep, or “white mouse squeak”. It's like the black snake moan, only more, um, disconcerted and disappointed. But of course, the person PJ was looking for the whole time wasn't in any of those places... he was in St. Anthony Park, but he was already married, so all those homoerotic wrestling matches they used to get into on my couch were for naught. I know you were all expecting a storybook ending to that story... actually so was I, but I totally forgot where I was going with it. Something about if Drew Barrymore were Chinese...
Okay, forget that, and let me tell you how I knew these two people were ready to be joined in holy matrimony. Consider, if Lian were stuck on a desert island, and she had to choose between Paul and say, like a bucket of hamburgers, and I mean really good hamburgers, with crisp lettuce, some fresh tomatoes... oh and the buns would stay good too, which is difficult to do if you're around all that wet salt air all the time. You could take your bucket up to the top of a hill or something, like if it was that island Tom Hanks was stuck on with Wilson, but they'd still dry out, if it was a big bucket and it took a while to eat them all. But that's love, ladies and gentlemen. That's love.
And now for a few words from a man so opposed to interracial marriage he won't eat oreos, ladies and gentlemen, Captain P.
The Captain: Wow, those jokes about me being a racist really take me back to 1995, because that's about when they started getting stale. But really I do have a few words to say: It's been a long road for PJ, getting from there to here. It's been a long time, but his time is finally here. And he will see his dream come alive at last, he will touch the SKY, people. And his fears are not going to hold him down no more, no they're not gonna hold him now, because he's got faith... of the heart. He's going where his heart can take him, he's got faith to BELIEVE he can do anything. He's got strength of the soul, and no one's going to bend or break him. You can reach any star... because you've got faith. Faith of the HEART. And now you'll boldly go where no man has gone before... well, actually I've gone there. Oh fuck that came out wrong, I just mean I've gotten married, not that I had your wife... you know, I'm just going to sit down now.
Wow, he tapped that ass and brought it up at her wedding, ladies and gentlemen, this man is my hero. Mary's definitely going to be cracking out the Klingon pain sticks back in your room tonight. (Captain: He's just kidding, honey! Lian, I am so sorry, I never should have put him on my bar tab.) Bryan, anything you'd like to add?
Bryan: Just that I can't believe anybody would invite you to their wedding, much less give you a microphone. To anybody blaming this on the Illinois champagne we've been drinking going to his head: he's even worse when he's sober. Lian, stop crying, have some more of this bubbling Night Train your husband sprang for, you'll be feeling no pain.
Hey that reminds me, let's give a hand to Panda Express for all this great food, I'm glad to see you guys spared no expense on your special day. I knew there'd be a cash bar, but the groom bringing a check to the table after dinner was a new one... and where do you of all people get off adding a 15% gratuity? Hell, if he was at the Last Supper there's no way PJ would have left more than one of his 30 pieces of silver as a tip. Hey, table one isn't looking so happy, let's get the happy couple's parents another box of chardonnay so they'll quit glaring at me. Uh-oh, do we need to coax a few words from the man who can put a smile on anybody's face? That's right, I bet you didn't think he'd be here, but the jolliest man in Zurich wasn't about to miss this occasion. Come on, stand up and toast the happy couple, Dr. Euler!
Dr. Euler: Ja, mein fuhrer. I vas so pleased to be invited to such a happy occasion, and to see the new home of Der salat-werfen Mann. That is the name we used to call him on Freudenbergstrasse, Lian, in English das is like der man who throws the salad, maybe you don't have that word here, but of course, it is der idiomatische Deutsche, so it has nothing to do with der Salat. But he vas so good, you see, everyone in Zurich knew if you needed your Salat geworfen he vas the man to see, ja? Every day when PJ would go to verk, everybody in their garden would wave and say, “Gruzei, der salat-werfen Mann!” And now even though we are no longer neighbors, I hope Lian and der salat-werfen Mann are very happy in their new home. Although I must say that I am not happy about the satellite dish on the roof. I cannot see it from my flat in Zurich and it does not concern me in any way, but I do feel such things should be verboten and I have decided to climb up to your roof and take it down while you are on your honeymoon. Everyone will be much happier, ja? So congratulations, and Sieg Heil!
Okay, well that was... sit down, Captain, one Nazi salute is bad enough without you joining in. You know folks, I'm also reminded of another happy occasion we all gathered together for, when The Captain tied the knot with his first officer... because there was this woman there in a thong, at least that's what the bridesmaids told me. And twins, who were possibly underage. And possibly not twins. But I'm sure the Captain will back me up on this, it's at his wedding that a man first sees the most beautiful sight he'll see, because beauty is something we only see as a pale reflection, a shadow. Until a man sees his lover for the first time in the fullness of what it is to be a woman, something I don't think he can ever fathom until he sees her in that white dress, because that's when he knows he's ready to give himself over and realize he'd lie forever in that white silk embrace.
And for me, it's not so much at the wedding, but the night before and many times after, when I watch Japanese strippers whipping people with their own belts, that I catch that glimpse of something I could fall into, and never ever climb my way back out of it's moist velvet walls, and for one transcendent moment, I drift away with Trixx and Brittany into the the smoky ether of the club, and all the insistent noise and chaos of this world fades to the background leaving nothing but the flapping of dollar bills in a g-string. In that haze of perfume and baby oil it's as if Precious turns back the clock to when God and her were born, where Eve was whole woman and yet still innocent babe. In the breeze from the flapping bacon strips of her post-partem vagina, sometimes I think that's when I get all this, the flowers, the layer cake, friends and family all gathered together for that beautiful moment when she'd look into my eyes and slide her finger into that ring, working that big rock at the top and with a ragged breath shyly offering me her ring as my finger rises to meet it... but while my dream is all over in a click of her clear heels, today we're here to celebrate something eternal. As long as this man is able to continue to deny his homosexuality and sublimate his craving for the male sex organ into a relentless fever for shooting off giant rockets, they'll be together.
Well, I think it's about time for me to turn things over to tonight's entertainment, featuring the dulcet tones of DJ Bigfoot... gosh, this is just like the Oscars where they have the orchestra play you out, as soon as I see that ventriloquist dummy start talking, I know my time is up, don't I? I know the happy couple are anxious to get out onto that cardboard square for their first dance as man and wife, and while they're breaking it I know I'm anxious to find some lonely bridesmaids... seriously, I knew Paul and Lian would be good hosts, but put a whole table of single girls into ugly dresses and serve cheap champagne, I'm going to run out of hotel room keys to give out. Ladies, my minibar and I are here for your pleasure... I'll be cracking fortune cookies until the year of the rat. Come on Lian, don't cry, it's been such a beautiful day, don't spoil it. So how about a toast to two happy couples... PJ and Lian, and I'm thinking me and that girl over there with the thick glasses I see looking for a refill of champagne. Ganbei! Prost! Cheers! Ladies drink free in my hotel room! And that includes the lesbians in attendance, because I think of it as less of a strike-out and more of an intentional walk from a left-handed reliever. Seriously, help me get the lonely straight girls drunk and we'll see who gets more open-minded, everybody wins. So fill up your glasses... come on, fuller than that... and let's toast the newlyweds! Seriously, down those glasses, ladies, you don't want to just sip at this champail and risk actually tasting it.
Bryan (opening cell phone): I can have CPD here in five minutes to haul him out. Just say the word, Lian.
