Amstelboy's Switzerland Itinerary

Day One:

8am – 30 minutes of nude yoga

9am – blueberry cheese fondue breakfast special

10am - 12pm – hide behind trees, pop out and shout “GRUZEI!” at startled strangers

12pm – go to Zurich Zoo to select animal to eat for lunch
(note: Dr. Uhler recommends the zebra tartar)

2pm-6pm – complete merger by smashing any remaining ATMs in Zurich

7pm – fondue and racism with Dr. Uhler

9:55pm – flush toilet before deadline

Day Two

8am – 30 minutes of nude yoga

8:30am – breakfast meeting with the Honey Monster
(note: bring Sugar Puffs, buttermilk, cheese grater and 2 kilos of swiss cheese)

10:17am – Train to Geneva

10:47am – disembark in Zug, beat the crap out of train station employees for not putting up a damn sign in the train station that says ZUG on it anywhere.

10:52am – back on train to Geneva

12pm – cheese fondue
(note: keep it light and use Swiss cheese or something else with holes in it)

1pm – 6pm – Torture POWs
(note: buy Alannis Morissette CD)

6:37pm – Train to Zurich

8:38pm – disembark in Zurich

8:43pm – realize it's Zug, beat up train station employees
(note: while in Zug, buy a cake on string and beat up bakery employees)

9:13pm – disembark in Kloten

9:14pm – call mom to make testicle jokes

9:15pm – buy hairspray and deodorant in aerosol cans at airport

9:45pm – arrive in Basel after unnecessary plane ride and spray hairspray everywhere to further destroy ozone layer

10pm – cocaine and fondue party at Martina Hingis' house

10:52pm – call Rufus to ask him why he's up at 4:52am

Day Three

8am – 30 minutes of nude yoga

8:30am - stop off at “American embassy” for egg mcmuffin

9am-12pm – count gold coins in vault with Adolf Eichmann, jr.

noon – more $%&#'ing cheese fondue

1pm – 3pm – attend modern art museums and loudly ask “What the fuck is that supposed to be?”

3:30pm – Go to Mariott and drag Rufus out of booth
(note: it's been 5 years, better bring a razor and change of clothes)

4pm – 6pm – drown children in racetrack pool at Alpa Mare

7pm – 10pm - get drunk and shoot off guns with Swiss Militia

10:52pm – call the Captain and ask what he's doing up at 4:52am

11:00pm – tip Roger Federer's cow

Day Four

8am – 30 minutes of nude yoga

8:45am – help Dr. Uhler put up satellite dish

9:30am – walk to Seilbahn Rigiblick

9:37am – take #10 tram to Bahnhofplatz

10:00am – take IC train to Bern Hauptbahnhof

11:30am – take S3 commuter train to Wankdorf

11:32am – arrive Wankdorf, realize Young Boys is just a football club and Wankdorf doesn't mean what I thought it did, leave country in disgust

1pm CST – arrive at O'Hare

1:15pm – tell customs “No I'm not a drug mule, that dark blob on my x-ray is just 10 kilos of cheese fondue”

1:45pm – tell cabbie to head for the nearest pharmacy

1:55pm – buy two boxes of exlax and try to get that cheese fondue moving

3pm – exercise American right to flush toilet in freedom