The Big Twins-Rays Trade

Lest anybody get overexcited, a hedge fund has not in fact come up with a complex convergence trade involving Twins season ticket deposits and long positions on shares in Sunglass Hut equity (ticker symbol RAYS).  The Twins actually cut a deal with the Devil Rays, finally moving some of their stockpile of pitchers for somebody who can swing a bat now and again, and I thought the network of Twins fans amongst my vast readership should be informed.  Much like Gaul, the trade can be divided into three parts:  three swaps of shortstops, starters, and prospects:

1..  Shortstops

The shortstops are Jason Bartlett of the Twins, insanely quick with a lot of range on defense but really not hitting well at all, swapped with Brendan Harris, a utility infielder for the Rays who can at least add some more skill as a hitter to middle infield... the Twins already have an insanely quick second baseman who can't hit in Casilla, and utility infielder Nick Punto was officially the worst hitter in baseball last year.  So that's hopefully a little better in a line-up that really desperately needs power.  Or just OBA.  Or basically anything... somebody who could lay down a bunt would be an improvement.  Rumor has it Bartlett's moodiness and insecurity are what put him on the next train out of town (where he'll switch to the Capitol Limited and the Silver Meteor to get down to Tampa.. actually he'll probably just fly).  There is also the frightening possibility that Casilla, Punto, and Harris will play 2B, SS, and 3B, which would really be no upgrade at all.

2.  Starters

This is the core of the trade, straight hitting for pitching, as the Twins shipped out a starting pitcher, Matt Garza, something they may not be able to afford.  Pitching is hard to come by, and the Twins looked loaded, but if the terrifying change-up of Johan Santana finds its way to New York City (the town so nice they knocked us out of the playoffs twice), the slippery curve ball of Carlos Silva is boarding the Hope Train to Clark and Addison, and Francisco "Franchise" Liriano's wreck of an arm isn't healed, Matt Garza's going to be sorely missed.  Given the Twins general aversion to trading pitching, what justifies dumping Garza?  Last year Delmon Young finished second in rookie of the year voting, and next year he'll be the Twins left fielder.  Young is potentially a great hitter, the Twins outfield was pretty thin last year... they could have put a traffic cone out in left field and I wouldn't have noticed half the time.  The big needs going into the off-season were a third baseman who could hit, a left fielder who could hit, and a designated hitter, or just anybody who when so designated could actually hit the ball, and now that Torii Hunter has gone to be with the angels (technically he's with the Angels, but he's still dead to me) they need somebody to start in center field as well.  Young and Cuddyer at the corners are a good start, with the Jasons (Kubel and Tyner) and Craig Monroe for depth with somebody hopefully showing the range to play center field, if not in the style of Kirby Puckett and Torii Hunter.

3.  Prospects

So far it's all roses for the Twins, risky but probably good moves, but one more swap had to be made to complete the deal.  The Twins tried to throw in relief pitcher Juan Rincon, whose production declined rapidly once Major League Baseball started asking questions about steroids and Rincon had to clear a lot of creams and syringes out of his locker (allegedly), but the Rays were having none of it.  Instead, the Twins shipped out Eduardo Morlan, a reliever from the minors they were grooming to be a closer.  This is a problem because conventional wisdom has it the Twins closer, Joe Nathan, is likely to be traded and replaced by Pat Neshek's funky side-arm delivery, leaving the bullpen a little thinner.  On the other hand, local baseball aficionados speculate Morlan is a pitch short of the majors, so it may not be a big loss.  In return the Twins get AAA outfielder Jason Pridie, presumably so we can play an outfield of all guys named Jason as part of some kind of wacky promotional event.  Pridie isn't likely to start, but I'm all for picking up outfielders who can use a bat for something other than firewood, and in the absence of a credible DH, there's room for a lot of outfielders.

This still leaves some gaping holes, and with the uncertainty of the Twins pitching staff, the rotation looks like (in no particular order):

Kevin Slowey
BOOF
(some guy)
Scott Baker
(some other guy)

This is driving speculation that should Santana be traded (since he hasn't accepted a $20m a year contract extension) the Twins will demand a swap of starting pitchers as part of the deal.  Personally I hope he and Silva stick around and Liriano comes back to be a Venezuelan Three Musketeers and confuse the crap out of opposing batters.  If Santana's gone, it has to be for hitters, hopefully one to play third base or center field, and for god's sake somebody with some power to DH instead of using Jason Kubel or the back-up catcher (which led to the first time I've seen a pitcher hit in an American League game last year when Mike Redmond took a ball in the face and DH Joe Mauer had to put on his gear and move to catcher, and the pitchers had to hit the rest of the game... the Twins still won).  After losing Hometown Hero Torii Hunter for nothing, I assume the Twins will be trading Nathan and Santana this winter, and I will be there to rant about it.

Euro2008 qualifiers - all over but the crying

First off, sell your Kirsch and Goldschlager futures, because England will not be going to Switzerland next summer after losing 3-2 to Croatia in London today, while Russia as expected won in Andorra to knock England out of the tournament. (Early whining has the New York Giants to blame for tearing up the field in their game against the Dolphins at Wembley.) Pretty much everybody else came through as expected: the Turks came through with a win against Bosnia to knock out Norway, the Poles obliged the Portuguese by knocking out Serbia, and the Swedes are in over Northern Ireland. I was also watching with interest the battle between Germany and Holland to avoid being a top seed, and despite a 2-1 loss in Minsk, the Dutch are still a top seed. So here they are grouped by seeding, your Euro2008 finalists:

Austria (hosts)
Switzerland (hosts)
Greece (holders)
Netherlands

Sweden
Italy
Croatia
Czech Republic

Spain
Portugal
Germany
Romania

France (???)
Russia
Turkey
Poland

The top 16 in Europe are good enough that seeding isn't all that important, since all groups should be tough anyways, but this is the most lopsided I've seen. France in the bottom tier and Austria as a #1 seed, this could lead to an absolutely epic Netherlands, Italy, Germany, France group. And of course, the three European teams I was pulling for, the Belgians, Irish, and Norwegians, all failed to qualify for a second tournament in a row. At least the French will be there for style, and the Dutch to once again choke on their mayonnaise coated fries.

Correction regarding Netherlands

As somebody pointed out, my math skills are apparently lacking, and Holland and Romania are already qualified for next year's Euro (and Bulgaria is out). Here's one more wrinkle: Holland and Germany are in a fight to see who gets a top seed, which is not something you want. As it stands, the Dutch will join Austria, Switzerland, and Greece in the pool of top seeds, which is not a good thing... it's much better to be in the second tier and avoid the Italians and a couple other much tougher teams than Greece and Austria. At this point the French and the Spaniards, two of Europe's top teams, are looking like #4 seeds, proving once again that seven centuries of post-Renaissance European cultural and intellectual development wasn't enough to teach these people how to run a proper seeding system for a football tournament.

So if the Dutch have a suspiciously bad loss to Belarus tomorrow, they're likely to get a #2 seed and coal in their shoes come Sint Niklaas Day. How likely is this? Well let's just say coal futures are up $40 on the CME, which is like 2,50 in euros.

House of 1000 Muppets

Vikings 29 - 22 Raiders

Coming off a horrid game in Green Bay in which they seemed not just over-matched but completely unprepared, the Vikings turned the ball over six times today.  I have to believe that against anybody but Chokeland, that would have been enough to ensure a loss, so I cannot express the relief I felt when they pulled off a win.  The Vikings started the game in style, on the first play of the game lining up with an empty backfield, running an end-around and then a reverse to Sidney Rice, who then threw a 79-yard pass to Visanthe Shiancoe.  On the next play, Chester Taylor powered the last ten yards into the end zone, and the Vikings were off to a great start.  Then they decided to make things fair by spotting the Raiders the ball a few times... six turnovers in all, which along with Sebastian Janikowski's powerful leg kept the Raiders in it.  With less than two minutes to go, Chad Greenway iced the game with an interception in Raiders territory, but instead of staying down and letting his team run the clock out, he tried to run with it, and promptly coughed the ball back up.  Fortunately Darren Sharper came up with the last second pass deflection to keep the game from going into overtime, but it never should have been that close.  I was impressed and amused with Sidney Rice on the receiver option, throwing the 79-yard pass to Shiancoe, and later getting himself out of trouble and still getting off a 15 yard pass to Troy Williamson... what's even more amazing his Williamson got his googly eyes and small hands going the same direction and caught it (actually that was a really nice catch).

Next week the New York Giants, who always come to town and derail the Vikings when they're on a roll, and lose in bizarre fashion to struggling Vikings teams in New York... the 5-0 '97 Vikings lost to New York and finished 9-7, squeaking into the play-offs where they came up with the most improbable last minute victory imaginable... at Giants Stadium.  Then there was that 24-21 win with 3 points on offense... I predict Eli Manning will be crying into his mother's apron by halftime.

Euro2008 Qualifiers, last call

For anybody keeping track, I thought perhaps I should follow up my report on the various Euro2008 bubble teams, given a couple surprising results.

First the less shocking results:  the Poles beat Belgium to lock up a spot in the finals, and this has me quite annoyed, because even though the Rode Duivels were long since eliminated, I'd like to see them at least finish strong and do what Belgium does best:  annoy the crap out of everyone.  The Portuguese beat Armenia as expected, but due to a snowed out Serbia-Kazakhstan game and a Finnish win over Azerbaijan, the Portuguese still need to pull out some kind of result against Finland on Saturday to clinch a spot in the finals.  (A detail I screwed up in my last report, thankfully nobody caught it... I wonder if that has anything to do with nobody reading it in the first place.)  Spain jumped up and down on Sweden yesterday, while the Danes lost in Belfast, which put Spain in the finals, eliminates Denmark, and gives Northern Ireland a very long shot at upsetting Sweden for a spot in the finals, needing a win in Spain and a Latvian win in Solna (which is just outside Stockholm and home to AIK, for you Swedish football afficionados).  Holland was able to squeak out a win over Luxembourg, which is really rather sad since they should be able to pop over before lunch and win that one with sandwiches in their hands, and I mean really good sandwiches with fresh ham and kaas.  The Romanians were less obliging, and lost to the Bulgarians to keep Holland on the bubble, needing a win in Minsk this Wednesday to be sure of making the finals, while the Romanians get the Albanians at home and Bulgaria travels to Slovenia with a shot at bouncing either the Romanians or Dutch.

In the big games I had an eye on, much to my annoyance I discovered the Turks beat Norway in Oslo to take a lead for the last spot in Group C, meaning Norway needs Bosnia to win in Istanbul this Wednesday... as I said, with the proud Viking blood that flows through my veins, I find this quite annoying.  The big showdown between the Scots and Italians also didn't go my way as the Italians won 2-1 in Glasgow, the upside being the French and Italians are in the Euro and the Ukraine-France game I was dreading is no longer significant.  In the big two "Will the red and white horde descend on central Europe?" match-ups, the Russians made no headway in Tel Aviv, while to my surprise the Croatians got soundly beaten in Macedonia, leaving a wide-open door into the Euro for England, who control their destiny in their final game against Croatia at Wembley.  Croatia are already qualified, and England only needs a draw to qualify, but as Fred Thompson will surely tell you England will get precious little help from the USSR, who are sure to win against Andorra.

Also of interest, Germany beat Cyprus 4-0, which ordinarily would not be all that surprising, but the Germans were highly expected to throw the game.  As it stands, the Germans will be a top seed for Euro2008, which is not something they're too excited about, since the other top seeds are Greece, Switzerland, and Austria.  Anybody in the next four seeds avoids three of their toughest opponents (really the top five in Europe minus themselves), and has a 75% chance of avoiding all four if they avoid the Germans in the draw.  The Germans on the other hand are guaranteed to face one of Italy, Holland, France, or Spain, so there's been rampant speculation that Germany would throw all their games until the draw to stay out of the top seeds and stick the Italians with that honor.  Obviously karma would demand that they then draw Italy, the Czechs, and the Poles for the ultimate seeding nightmare... Austria-Switzerland is like a home tournament for Germany, so if they drew the Italians who are world champions and neighbors on the other side, the Czechs who are right next door, and the Poles who are the world champions of hating Germany, I'd be laughing uncontrollably for a week.

So here are the Big Meaningful Games this Wednesday:

Portugal v Finland
Serbia v Poland
(pretty much any break for the Portuguese puts them in over Serbia)

Spain v Northern Ireland
Sweden v Latvia
(any break for the Swedes puts them in ahead of N.I.)

Turkey v Bosnia
Norway v Malta
(The Turks either win or stay home next summer, the Norwegians either win or can never go home again)

England v Croatia
Russia v Andorra
(Andorra's no kingmaker, so if England gets a draw or better, they send Russia home)

Romania v Albania
Belarus v Netherlands
Slovenia v Bulgaria
The Dutch and Romanians control their own destiny, but any stumble allows the Bulgarians to claim a scalp.  For all you Dutchies here's what you have to look forward to besides coal in your shoes on St. Nicholas Day:
    Dutch win:  Euro2008, baby
    Dutch draw:  Romania must lose, or Bulgarians must lose or draw
    Dutch loss:  Bulgaria must lose or draw for Dutch to advance

Germany v Wales
(Germany is already qualified, but a bad loss to Wales might get them out of them out of the top four seeds.)

And here's what the tournament looks like so far:

Qualified (10 spots):
Austria (hosts)
Switzerland (hosts)
Greece (holders)
Germany
Czech Republic
Poland
Spain
Croatia
Italy
France

Likely (2 spots):
Portugal  (but maybe Serbia)
Sweden  (but maybe Northern Ireland)

Undecided (4 spots):
England or Russia (England)
Any two of Romania, Netherlands, Bulgaria (Romania, Netherlands)
Turkey or Norway (Turkey)

Not attending but sorely missed:
Belgium

Elizabeth II, the Gnome Queen

The Financial Times just ran a special section about the latest trend in overcrowded London (aka Lun-donn), to create more space for wealthy Londoners growing fat off the financial services sector, the second fastest growing sector of the economy. Obviously it really only dropped to second thanks to the growth in revenue from targeted ads on internet video websites, for the first time gangs of hooded children have been able to monetize shaky cell phone videos documenting the severe beating of random people in the street. Within a month, O2 and Burberry dominated the European economy and the pound appreciated sharply against the dollar, creating "cashmere arbitrage" opportunities for MBAs who really need to get the fuck out of the office and talk to real people more, I mean honestly. This part of my rant brought to you by my irritation at friends who go overseas and call me in the middle of the f***ing night, sorry to take it out on you, British economy and gangs of rosy-cheeked hooded assassins.

Back to my original point, there's a limit to how far out a city can expand without losing cohesiveness, despite the best attempts of certain Wisconsin residents to claim they live in the northern, northern part of Chicago, south of Evanston but north of Green Bay. Eventually expansion must turn vertical, and Chicago is answering this with the gigantic crystalline penis that will loom like a mad rapist over the squirming waves of Lake Michigan. One need only look up and observe the torrent of socks and stinky boxers drifting down from the lofty heights of 1 W Superior to see what is possible when a city turns its eyes skyward. But of course, ever since the Chunnel opened, the English have been spending entirely too much time around the French, so they had to expand London in a snarky, "Right way, wrong way, a la mode francaise" gesture by embracing the vertical, but expanding underground. All over London, wealthy homeowners, and you really have to have money to think this way, are digging multi-story basements, only I think they spell them multi-storey, to put in underground pools with sliding floors and I can only assume sharks with laser beams attached to their heads. If you go building a ballroom that converts into a pool, you really are only one step removed from turning into a Bond villain and you know it, J.K. Rowling... she has wealth and vitality, and nothing left to do but to take over the world... she'll be hijacking nuclear weapons from Киргизия before "Deathly Hallows" hits DVD.

What I want to know is, when the hell did these people become $*&#ing gnomes? The last thing that country needs is less natural light and fresh air... ever wonder why David Beckham was such a beautiful sex symbol who could break down doors with his gigantic dong until he came to America and nobody knew who he was? It's because when you line him up next to a fuck-ugly centre-forward who looks like he came bounding out of a lake in the dead of night to kill Vikings in a mead hall but accidentally stumbled onto the pitch at Wembley, by comparison Beckham looks like somebody Raphael would have painted into a Vatican mural. That whole bunch looks like Sven-Goran Eriksson turned over rocks and put an England shirt on anything that came scuttling out with less than 6 legs. Seriously, get out of the tube and get some vitamin D flowing through those veins, don't dig deeper. There is a possibility of light wells, but I've seen the best the civil engineers at the UofM could come up with to get natural light down to this subterranean lair 70 feet below the surface that used to house this English department TA I had a thing for, and the lack of natural light really augmented her total lack of natural sleep (teaching at two schools and finishing her thesis was taking a toll), making her completely nuts... although that's probably why I had such a thing for her and kept expressing it through passive-aggressive, provocative papers and exam essays explaining how every great work of British literature from the Cotton Vitellius to Joseph Conrad was really about boning people you shouldn't, like an eager student. Later I would recognize these feelings as transference (but I'd still hit that).

Speaking of things I'd hit, there are pleasant looking people from the UK who don't look like they crawled out of a cold, snake-infested hole and tried to brush the mud off of their teeth, but invariably they turn out to have originated far, far away from the ahem, burrows of London, and just fake an proper English accent for export... everyone presentable eventually drops the accent and admits to being Scottish or Irish. (Except for Emily from Islington, left, who's a dish.) There's a reason when Ridley Scott wanted a deformed bastard with half his face missing who could make Hannibal Lecter seem heroic by comparison, there was only one number to call: Gary Oldman.

Back to the gnome infestation, the more sensible critics note that neighbors tend to be a bit put out by the whole super-sub-basement plan, because for one thing, a four-story concrete block dug into the water table sends heavy rain flooding into everybody else's cellars, to say nothing of cutting off the water supply for the green spaces England is wisely trying to preserve. The two years of high pitched whining drills and clanking conveyor belts hauling out debris are also a nice way to bring a community together, and once this becomes a trend, those crews will become a permanent fixture for all London homeowners. As I understand it, this whole problem ultimately goes back to the impossibility of new construction coupled with an unwillingness to expand skywards... as it is the tallest building in the United Kingdom would fit comfortably in the second tier of the Minneapolis skyline. I know London doesn't have the same anxiety over the length of their metaphorical penis that many other cities do, because "We used to own India. Yeah, the one with f***ing elephants," still trumps building a tall building. (Nothing wrong with being a bit below average, Chicago... just don't hit the showers with Malaysia.)

So here's hoping Londoners discover the virtues of sunlight before they discover the delight of emerging from the darkness to dine on the beautiful... no wait, an Englishman already figured that one out, and planted it in the English subconscious. Damn you, H.G. Wells, you cannibal bastard.

Timberwolves 108 - 103 Kings

Six games into the season, the new look Timberwolves finally have their first win.  What made this possible is despite early offensive struggles and a long series of turnovers that had me wondering if the ball was slippery for every pass to be sliding off of the intended recipient's hands (the Kings oddly didn't experience this phenomenon), and despite some terrible lapses in perimeter defense and in the low post, the Kings still couldn't pull away from the Wolves.  They played enough solid team defense to slow the Kings down, and Al Jefferson and Rashad McCants scored enough to keep the Wolves nipping at the Kings' heels, both shooting over 50% for the game and scoring more than half of the Wolves 108 points.  To break the deadlock, the Wolves needed a third scorer, and with Craig Smith (aka The Rhino) nursing an ankle injury and an ill Greg Buckner playing limited minutes off the bench, Antoine Walker got an extended amount of playing time for the first time this season.  In the second half Walker came up big as a third scorer on a night when few Wolves were able to score from the field.  The Wolves didn't start strong as they have in previous games, but they also didn't experience the same drop-off and when they got a burst in the fourth quarter to take a commanding lead, they held it, making free throws, slowing the Kings down, and keeping their heads above water.  Sebastian Telfair came up limping as well, meaning Marko Jaric saw even more time at point guard but came through with some of the critical free throws needed to ice the game, which is good since he's the only healthy guard who can play the point.  I love Jaric, because he's like a box of chocolates:  delightful in morsels, but messy in the hot sun.

I was surprised to see former Timberwolf Beno Udrih on the court tonight, scoring 17 and giving fits to Marko Jaric.  For anybody who doesn't remember Udrihs's tenure with the Wolves, a week or two ago the Timberwolves traded a protected 2nd round pick to the San Antonio Spurs for Udrih and a pile of cash, then cut him before he ever arrived in Minnesota.  I'm surprised given the Wolves' lack of depth at point guard that there wasn't somebody who could go in Udrih's place, like stiff center Michael Doleac, easily disoriented slam dunk champion Gerald Green, or rookie Chris Richard, none of whom have contributed significantly and may be destined for retirement or Europe.  The trade was in actuality a way to make a little money off San Antonio, who gave the Wolves enough to buy out Udrih's contract and keep a little for themselves, while the pick the Wolves offered in return was a symbolic gesture:  it's protected if the Wolves finish outside the top four. a statistically predictable event for a team that started 0-5.  Once Randy Foye returns nobody's going to be reminiscing about Beno Udrih and what could have been, and the last thing they need to do is cut big men, but it's still annoying when somebody has a "Remember cutting me, dumbasses?" kind of night.

Anyways, the first of what are sure to be many wins... like maybe 19 more in the next 5 months.

Japanese Coke Machine Dress

God bless the strange island people who live in close proximity to but total isolation from their neighbors, really... the Japanese, the British, the Singapurrrians, and the New Yorkers (except the Bronx, yeah yeah). I really wasn't sure what to make of this latest singularly Japanese creation, but this is one of those things that's so stupid I can't look away (like Andy Samberg punching people before they eat).

A Japanese designer has created outfits and accessories to foil muggers and bullies, like a purse that looks like a manhole cover so you can drop it in the street and recover your exploded makeup and bits of your runover cell phone it later, assuming nobody else has picked it up and found ID with your home address and your house keys (insuring you can't get in to stop them robbing you). But what's really insane is the skirt that becomes a soda machine, so you can hide inside it while the mad horde chasing you runs by blindly, having never seen an episode of Scooby Doo. This does tend to make a bit more sense in Japan, where there are entire banks of vending machines to blend in with, and nobody is likely to eye any particular one too curiously. (For more pictures of this crazy stuff, click here, or on the gif at right to animate it.)

However I can't help but shudder to think of what would happen if the disguise should fail, and given that a coke machine with feet can't stand up to more than a split second of scrutiny, this seems quite likely. At that point, you'd be wearing a bulky box-like outfit that prevents the use of your arms and blocks your peripheral vision, and are you ever in for the beating of your life. The payphone backpack for kids is particularly sad, because it requires a child to pull something over their head, turn their back, and then stay still while bullies, who are presumably FOLLOWING THEM, approach and try to contain their laughter. That may be the key problem, in order for you to put on the disguise, you have to know soembody is after you, and then somehow evade them long enough to find a hiding spot and adopt a disguise... is hiding really the best strategy at that point, or should you maybe just call a cab and order take-out while you wait? It's like that Star Trek episode where the big bad alien makes a crude knife while Captain Kirk wastes half his time and then makes a cannon with diamond ammunition from things he finds on the ground.

Honestly when I saw the demonstration video even I wanted to attack the person wearing it for putting on a fucking Halloween costume and prancing about taunting, "You can't see me!" Okay, I wouldn't actually attack a woman in the street no matter what she was wearing, and in truth I'd probably be laughing too hard anyways if I realized I'd just passsed somebody cowering inside a fake vending machine. But this also has me thinking maybe there's another angle to this, from fetish-driven Japan. I think if a woman came over and told me in this sultry voice she could take off her skirt and turn into a coke machine, I'd have to think a couple of my favorite vices were coming together in a whole new way. I'd certainly have a new perspective on the shimmering, feminine contours of the classic coke bottle... "I'm a coke machine with nothing on below the waist, come push my buttons, baby."

Al Ahly 1 - 3 Etoile du Sahel

This result from the African Champions League final is actually pretty stunning, since Al Ahly is one of the traditional powers in Africa.  They came away from Sousse with a 0-0 draw, so to lose on their own field in one of the toughest venues in the world, Cairo International Stadium and give Etoile du Sahel their first African championship... it's quite a result.  And it qualifies the Tunisians for next month's Club World Cup, so in case anybody else was paying attention to that besides me, here's who's in it.

On one side of the bracket, North American champions Pachuca from Mexico play Etoile du Sahel, and the winner of that game goes on to play the Libertadores winner Boca Juniors, from Buenos Aires.  On the other side of the draw New Zealand's Waitakere United, representing Oceania will play an undetermined Asian Champions League winner, which will be either Urawa Red Diamonds of Japan, or Sepahan from Iran (after a 1-1 draw in Esfahan, Urawa Reds host the second leg in Saitama, and I'd have to think they've got the inside track).  The winner of that game faces the European champions Milan, and I'd have to say barring a stunning upset, Boca Juniors will meet Milan in the final.

Coming up before that are the last major qualifiers for next year's Euro, and to my friends with international connections (like any of you are reading this) please look forward to being endlessly heckled this Thanksgiving about your respective country's failure to qualify.  Or just basically any country I choose to assign to you for the heckling purposes.  As per my previous write-up for the one person I know who cares about this stuff, here are the big games coming up this month:

11/17
Netherlands v Luxembourg
Scotland v Italy
Israel v Russia*
Macedonia v Croatia*

11/21
Netherlands v
England v Croatia
France v Ukraine

*-While I don't know a lot of Croatian Jews, these two games determine whether England plays on Wednesday for a spot in the finals, or just as an excuse for 90,000 England fans to buy £90 tickets for a chance to stand and boo for 90 minutes.

Lakers 107 - 93 Timberwolves

This game was much closer than the final score, despite being the Wolves first double-digit loss of the season. (The Wolves also dropped to 0-4 by the way.) Here's what I see so far, with almost 5% of the season gone (it's ridiculous to analyze 4 games in, but I don't care):

1. We need more centers

I thought the weaknesses of the roster would be depth at center and point guard, and seeing Dwight Howard, Chris Mihm, and Andrew Bynum tear through the Wolves like tissue paper when Ratliff wasn't on the court, they really need some help there. This situation only gets worse since down the line, Ratliff is going to slip down the depth chart as he ages, and what's the deal with Michael Doleac? Maybe the eventual return of Mark Madsen can help slow these guys down.

2. The second unit needs work

This may be impossible to tell since Foye and McCants are out prompting a reshuffle of the starting line-up, and the Wolves still seem to be sorting out how to sort out Telfair, Jaric, Gomes, and Buckner in light of that. I also think it's funny that the only Wolf with a positive +/- last night was Antoine Walker.

3. The coaches have their work cut out for them

The Wolves start strong (so they have talent), but then the other team starts to exploit their weaknesses and the disorganized bench comes in, and their early lead slips away. At the end of every game they make a late surge (so they have heart), but have fallen short every time so far. Hopefully Wittman can organize his second unit a bit and get these guys to learn how to shore up some of their weaknesses.

4. Defense of point guards

32 for Iverson/Wilks against Denver, 27 for Marbury/Robinson, 18 for Arroyo, and 10 for Derek Fisher... that really just means the Wolves have played teams with decent point guards and it's a reach to make anything out of it. But nevertheless, Jaric's big failing as a point guard was he couldn't handle small, quick guards (and his periodic bouts of confusion where he throws passes to nobody and wears his clothes the wrong way) and I'm not wild about Telfair's defense. So I'd say depth at point guard is a concern.

Eventually they have to play somebody less crafty than Phil Jackson, without a good center, who won't be able to build up enough of a lead in the middle of the game and they'll win a couple. Also it would help not to give the other team 27 more free throws... it's kind of surprising that Jefferson didn't take any, but big men who can't get to the line are a familiar story in Minnesota.

Still this is fun though, having a watchable team that has the potential to improve, so it's actually worth analyzing their losses beyond the usual "They stink, the end."

Koy $%&#'ing Detmer?!

The Vikings continue to seek warm bodies to hand off to Adrian Peterson, and are apparently considering former Eagles QB Koy Detmer, since the last Eagle QB we got (Mike McMahon) lasted a whole week. This makes me that much more annoyed that we couldn't sign our 7th round pick Tyler Thigpen to the practice squad, because while he might not quite be NFL ready coming out of the Big South conference (I didn't know there was a Big South) at least there was some hope. Koy Detmer has had a long time to prove himself in the NFL, and other than in '98 when he threw a TD against the Packers and then ran down the sidelines to dance like an idiot in front of Brett Favre (who he had never met). Other than having a stupid name and looking vaguely like Kurthawk in his younger days, I don't know what he adds to the Vikings as a fourth QB while Kelly Holcomb and the Tardis recover from injuries. In truth I don't know what Holcomb is going to do in the next 8 weeks that's worth waiting for him to get better either. Maybe they can pick up the ESPN intern from about 1:18 in this video, if they can find a set of pads that will fit her.

Magic 111 - 103 Timberwolves

The NBA used to regularly crack 100 points, and ten years ago when the Wolves had another promising young team they used to average just over 100 a game, which was pretty impressive since early in the year they essentially played 4-on-5 with their center standing around looking sleepy (eventually Stojko was replaced by Dean Garrett who stayed awake and kept his hands up).  They also gave up over 100 as well, which is why didn't have a winning record, but 40-42 was good enough for the play-offs in the ridiculously lopsided mid-90's western conference that included most of the best and worst teams in the NBA.  Last night's game looked a lot like that team, mercurial and prone to giving up offensive rebounds, poor perimeter defense, and vulnerable to big men who could take advantage of lapses of concentration in the post.  But the '97 Wolves were a lot of fun, and so are these guys, starting strong before fading, but then later rallying to cut the Magic lead to 2 points in the 4th quarter... before the Magic ultimately put the game away.

Last night, Dwight Howard was a wolf killer, scoring 28 points and pulling in 16 rebounds, and repeatedly took advantage of disorganized defenders in transition.  Rashard Lewis found himself open enough on the perimeter to shoot 7-9 from behind the 3-point line, and each of those shots was a killer... Lewis was only 3-8 from inside the arc, so perhaps it would help to get somebody on him.  Carlos Arroyo also gave fits to Sebastian Telfair, and those three really dug the hole for the Wolves.  The front-court did seem a bit depleted, since the Wolves starting center Theo Ratliff did not play at all tonight with Al Jefferson starting in his place with an undersized front line of Ryan Gomes and Greg Buckner with him.  While Jefferson continued to be a scintillating scorer and Buckner had a great game at SF, Gomes looked a bit out of sorts and didn't play a lot of minutes, where he's been very sharp off the bench in past games.  For big men off the bench I got my first glimpse of Ratliff's back-up Michael Doleac, who only lasted three unremarkable minutes, and Antoine Walker who should have been another big scoring threat seemed unable to rise off the floor.

The Wolves struggled in the back-court as well, as Telfair had an off-night and was unable to keep pace with Carlos Arroyo, and Rashad McCants only played 11 minutes, holding his ankle and grimacing as he left the court.  On the positive side, three guys who still have something to prove got more time on the court:  rookie Corey Brewer wasn't eye-popping but he did well until he fouled out, and Craig Smith added some much needed front-court scoring off the bench, while the often confused looking Marko Jaric handled the ball extremely well getting a lot of time in relief of McCants and Telfair, and came up with an assist double-double.  With Ratliff and McCants at full strength, maybe the Wolves could have made better use of Gomes and of Buckner's defense, in what was actually a fairly close game.

Vikings 35 - 17 Chargers or Adrian Peterson has a three foot erection with a cheeseburger on the end

It was hard to even see this, to realize it was happening as the game was going on, but Adrian Peterson broke the NFL's all-time single-game rushing record yesterday when he ran for an insane 296 yards.  That record was held for many years by Sweetness after he cracked 200 yards in a 10-6 win over the Vikings, so it's a nice record to have, and to have a rookie do it is unbelievable.  The Chargers were supposed to have one of the NFL's best rush defenses and were coming off a 14-2 season and looking to be back in it with the Patriots and Colts, so many Vikings fans were expecting a blow-out.  Nobody was expecting over 350 yards rushing by Peterson and Chester Taylor, or anything like the 28-3 second half spanking the Vikings gave the Chargers.  When the Tardis left at halftime with a concussion, I figured the Vikings would run the ball a bit more in the second half, but 'zounds.  Our rookie receivers who I've been hoping can help rebuild our passing game in the post-Moss era both came up with big plays, a touchdown for Sidney Rice and Aundrae Allison had a 62-yard kick-off return, which has me hoping to see more of him in that role. 

There was pressure on Chargers QB Philip Rivers, and LaDainian Tomlinson was contained, in what was just an all-around beating... the only tarnish was the rather foolish decision to go for a 58-yard field goal at the close of the first half, which fell short, but only because it was returned an NFL record 109 yards by Antonio Cramartie to give the Chargers the lead going into the half.  That was ugly, but perhaps not as ugly as the half-time mascots vs middle schoolers game... I came back to my seat just in time to see Crunch the Timberwolves mascot putting some 11 year old on his ass with a forearm shiver on his way to the end zone.  Anyways, when the Chargers return in 2015, I hope they remember to bring the Swiss Navy.

Timberwolves roster finalized

Just in case anybody but me was keeping track, the Timberwolves have cut their roster down to 15 players by agreeing to a buy-out with forward Juwan Howard (formerly of the University of Michigan Fab Five).  The Wolves traded for Howard earlier in the off-season with the belief that he'd give Kevin Garnett some help in the paint, and with KG off to Boston a 34-year old Howard didn't fit into their long-term plans and also really didn't want to play for a rebuilding team.  They gave up so little for him, two guys who'd done virtually nothing in Wolves uniforms, it's really no big loss, and I'm glad the Wolves cut Howard when they couldn't trade him to a contender like he requested.  Also unbeknownst to me, the Wolves told Wayne Simien not to bother reporting to the team, and despite rumors he would be re-traded five minutes after being acquired, Antoine Walker is still listed on the roster, so the final result of the Ricky Davis trade may be the Wolves get a draft pick, Walker to provide some scoring from both forward positions, and to swap back-up centers, Mark Blount for Michael Doleac.  Now they don't have too many high salaries (only Ratliff, Walker, Jaric, and Buckner make more than $3m), and plenty of playing time for the players with upside.

Likely starters (from what I'm hearing):
Theo Ratliff   C
Al Jefferson   F
Antoine Walker   F
Rashad McCants   SG
Randy Foye   PG

I like Ratliff, although he'll slip down the depth chart as he moves further into his mid-30's so that will be a potential hole in the roster in a couple years, and the team lacks a legitimate 7-footer.  Al Jefferson looks great, and Walker has been a great scorer in the past and Wittman claims he can play the 3, so that should be fun.  Our recent draft picks McCants and Foye certainly have potential, especially Foye, so we'll see in the next year what they can do in a team where most touches don't go through the MVP.  The potential weak spot is shooting guard, where McCants isn't the world's greatest defender, so he may not start and there are a lot of guys pushing for time at that spot.

Bench:
Michael Doleac  C
Mark Madsen  PF
Ryan Gomes  F
Craig Smith  PF
Corey Brewer  F
Chris Richard  F
Greg Buckner  GF
Marko Jaric  GF
Gerald Green  GF
Sebastian Telfair  PG

For big men offf the bench they'll have Michael Doleac at center, Mad Dog is the veteran hard man, a great defender and rebounder but not so great with the ball in his hands (although I have seen him score on Shaq), and Ryan Gomes looks like a great all around bundle of energy, I'm really impressed with him.  Craig Smith in his second year should continue to develop in the same mold as Madsen but adds a wicked offensive move to top it off, and Corey Brewer has this long frame and a lot of talent, but like KG ten years ago he needs time to bulk up to handle the NBA, and I don't know what our second round pick Chris Richard has to offer yet.  Greg Buckner and Marko Jaric are both swingmen, Buckner is supposed to be a defensive stopper while Jaric shows some flashes of brilliance as a creative player when he can pull his head out and can run the point depending on match-ups.  Sebastian Telfair actually looks like he might work out as a point guard to the point were Randy Wittman is claiming he may occasionally Foye at shooting guard with Telfair in the game.  That may not be a lot of depth at point guard, if Telfair isn't reliable and Jaric filling in can't handle speedy guards.  At the end of the bench, Gerald Green is another swingman with some scoring ability, but right now just looks lost on the court, and I assume second round pick Chris Richard is going to be coming to games in a suit this year.  In addition to Richard and Green, one more player is going to have to show up to the games in a suit rather than a uniform, and I believe Madsen is currently injured.  When he comes back, it will be interesting to find out who's considered superfluous.

The Prisoner Returns?

Christopher Nolan, director of such films as Memento and Batman Begins, is reportedly attempting to get the rights to film a big screen adaptation of “The Prisoner”, which was Patrick McGoohan's follow-up to “Secret Agent Man”, a more straightforward spy series. “The Prisoner” was about a spy who resigns his post, only to be kidnapped and subjected to psychological games in an eerie, polychromatic village, never sure if he's being interrogated by the enemy, or his own former employers. It was exceedingly bizarre in points, like when the whole series culminated in a raging gun battle with guys in gorilla suits to the tune of “All You Need is Love”, but to anyone who's actually seen it, it left a lot of iconic images in their heads. It was like the dark and dysfunctional mirror image of In Like Flint, or a 60's beach party movie director made an expose about psychological warfare.

Unfortunately while it certainly holds up after forty years, it is still very much a product of its time. The suave superspy with nary a hair out of place has been done to death by forty years of Bond movies, so while McGoohan used this archetype as the calm center of a world that changed every week with a new opponent and a new game, it cannot be used again. Given the tendency of all these exploitations of old TV properties to solve all their problems with self-aware parodies of their source material, “The Prisoner” is particularly ill-suited to an update... it's too silly to begin with to parody. Mike Meyers made use of some of its icons for Austin Powers (who does #2 work for?) but as part of a larger mix.

Christopher Nolan did rebuild the Batman franchise when it looked desperately played out, and he did it by taking it seriously again, so maybe he can pull it off. However there's another risk to all of this, that having a movie that's like Kafka in primary colors playing in the same multiplex as films like Rendition is going to seem a bit flippant. Done right it could be inspired, but the people who buy old TV properties and dress them up have to hedge their bets by winking at the audience and insecurely sneering at the source material. So I don't have high hopes.

The Nuts

I've been enjoying the World Series of Poker, which is filmed, edited, and shown by ESPN long after the tournament is over and print media have already named the winner, but fortunately the amateurs who won the last five years have been faceless enough (at least before the tournament) that I don't remember who won. I know watching people play cards sounds like the most boring thing on earth to most people, but the point is the bizarre characters who populate this subculture.

I was really pulling for one of a few people to win, like either Maria Ho, the woman who went the deepest into the tournament, or Scottie Nguyen, the former champ and Vietnamese immigrant whose peculiar grasp of the English language requires that he punctuate ever sentence with “baby”, like in his most famous line, “You call it's gonna be all over, baby.” I was also rooting for the Italian kid Dario Minieri who took an early chip lead looking all cute and cherubic in a burgundy and orange scarf that had everybody calling him Harry Potter... it was Roma he was supporting, not Gryffindor, but a man wearing a scarf indoors is still like wearing a button that says, “Yes! I am Eurotrash... ask me about a single currency and my latent homosexuality.” Mainly I was rooting for Dario because he actually won a porsche gambling online but doesn't have a driver's license, and this unused machine was annoying the hell out of everybody who sat down at his table.

There's usually at least a few bizarre events involving these characters that make it all memorable, and really just because I wanted to see how well the embedded video worked, I thought I'd show you one. In Texas Hold'em, the expression “the nuts” refers to the particular combination of hole cards that is unbeatable given the cards on the table... for instance if there are four hearts on the table a player with the ace of hearts holds the best possible flush, the “nut flush” in fact. So they don't appear often, but when they do, it's a cause for great joy and great anguish, as seen here.

Timberwolves 106 - 85 Bucks

There's something very metaphorically satisfying when a clash between wolves and deer goes so spectacularly in favor of the toothy predators, and the Timberwolves tore apart the Milwaukee Bucks.  The big attraction of the Bucks was seeing their 2.11m forward 易建联, newly arrived from the Guangdong Southern Tigers but best known for selling vans sneakers in his chain of Jianlian's Beach Shops, and as predicted the drunks weaved their primer-colored pickups over the St. Croix to waveringly yell "Yeeeeeee!!!" every time he touched the ball until beer sales were cut off in the fourth quarter.  Frankly I thought Yi was uninspiring, although he did score 13 points off the bench mainly by drawing fouls, and contribute six rebounds and a couple blocked shots, maybe because at one point Craig Smith, a bruiser who gives up seven inches to Yi but has some nasty moves to hang with taller forwards,  got a shot off over him and this made Yi look like a tourist:  he may be hot stuff in Guangdong, but for a soft player with a scoring touch cracking the NBA is harder than dubbing Nicholas Cage into Cantonese.  Yi punished Smith for trying that move again by blocking his shot, but despite his obvious ability, Yi is going to have to do more to intimidate in a league where Yao Ming still hasn't made it out of the first round*.  Frankly I'm not all that familiar with most everybody else who plays for the Bucks these days, and their atrocious shooting tonight (including 4-19 from behind the 3-point line) didn't make me scour my program for details...I don't even want to know the idiot was who threw up the lazy alley-oop that Corey Brewer snatched out of the air while the intended target went flying behind him with a hurt look on his face.

On the Wolves side, after a couple games I think Al Jefferson is the real thing, and a fitting crown jewel in the pile of players the Wolves got for Kevin Garnett.  The backdoor plays the Wolves ran with him tonight were a treat, and his 9-12 night contributed to blistering 61.2% shooting for the Wolves, as did Rashad McCants going 8-8.  (McCants improved his shooting percentage by throwing the ball away so often he didn't have to take many low percentage shots.)  24 points and 12 rebounds in 30 minutes is a nice game from Jefferson, and Theo Ratliff surprised me by showing some moves, after years of sleepy looking stiffs from Stojko Vrankovic to Mark Blount made me forget there are active centers in the NBA.  Corey Brewer, our top draft pick out of Florida, did start out a little rough, and obviously has a lot to learn about the NBA, but he made up for some of his shortcomings looking for rebounds and blocked shots trying to use those long arms to contribute.  The two people who really stood out to me tonight though were Ryan Gomes and Sebastian Telfair, other pieces of the Garnett trade.  Gomes pulled out some sharp passes in traffic to make things happen, and was just generally a force for the Wolves, as was Telfair, who was surprisingly sharp running the offense.  There are some good players on this team, and the level of hustle they show going for rebounds and taking chances looking to create scoring opportunities for each other makes them a blast to watch, and while tougher opposition than the Milwaukee Bucks is likely to prove beyond their reach, the future is bright.

*-Okay, I'll admit I'm just bitter because when I tried to ask Yi for an autograph, all he said was, "比 Nicholas Cage 讲的广东闭合的嘴走开, 您是恼人的对我!"  (I can't read or write Chinese so he wrote it down for me before giving me the finger.)

Pacers 106 - 95 Timberwolves

The Wolves got outscored in three of four quarters, and really it was Indiana's game the whole way, but it was a pre-season game so nobody cared (or showed up, judging by the dismal attendance).  The Wolves did live up to my prediction that they would be worse than last year, but a lot more fun to watch.  In several stretches the Wolves went through real sloppy shooting funks where even the lay-ups wouldn't go in, but as a result at one point in the second quarter they got 3-4 offensive rebounds on the same possession, and even as they kept enthusiastically thumping the ball off the rim, I realized they were showing more heart keeping after the ball than I'd seen from the Timberwolves in a long time.  I don't mind so much when they screw up, both because they'll get better, and because they show some actual excitement about being professional basketball players, something that hasn't been true of the Wolves roster since the end of the 2004 Western Conference Finals.  My only real disappointment is I wanted to see more of Randy Foye, one of last year's few bright spots, and to see what young talent but notorious headcase Sebastian Telfair was going to make of his last chance, but both are nursing injuries.

Of course, they followed up the loss by making another big trade in the continuing process of blowing up the team and starting over.  Out so far, Kevin Garnett, and guards Mike James, Troy Hudson, and Trenton Hassell.  Now in the latest trade they dumped another guard, Ricky Davis, who goes to Miami as a third scoring option behind Dwayne Wade and Shaquille O'Neal.  I'm just happy the clutch of guards dominating the roster is breaking up, and the Wolves are finally getting bigger.  The Wolves also included a center in the trade, Mark Blount, who had an unfortunate tendency to drift out and take 18-foot jump shots on offense...a big man with a jump shot can be valuable playing off a dominant power forward and drawing out opposing centers, but you need a better team to take advantage of it.  The Wolves got four pieces in return, including another center to replace Blount in Michael Doleac, and a young forward who has missed most of his career with injuries and salmonella.  The big pieces though are a lottery protected draft pick, so basically late first round, and Employee #8 himself, Antoine Walker, who was at one time a fearsome scorer in the front court, and Garnett's departure leaves a huge hole.  On the other hand, there's a reason Miami was looking to dump him, and he may be a bit nuts and not all that interested in being part of the Wolves rebuilding effort.  This has sparked speculation that the Wolves have another trade in the works including Walker, so the total result and purpose of this trade may not be clear yet.  So far I would say the trade opens up playing time at shooting guard for the young guys, and brings in three potential future benefits: first it frees up cap space in a couple years aiming the Wolves towards a big free-agent year, it brings in another draft pick to round out the roster, and Simien may live up to his potential and become a solid contributor.

Tonight, I may learn more as I go to the Wolves-Bucks preseason game.  First and foremost, I'll find out if the general dirtiness of Wisconsin pro sports fans exposed in such clarity this year by the Packers and Brewers visits to town extends to the Bucks.  I will also seek any opportunity to ask Chinese import Yi Jianlian if he can hook me up with a pirate DVD of the new National Treasure (unless Yi speaks Cantonese... Nicholas Cage cannot be dubbed into Cantonese), and possibly even to report on the Wolves new acquisitions if any of them get playing time.  But seriously, Brewers fans:  dirty people.  Packers fans:  DIRTY PEOPLE.  Can Bucks fans really fall that far from the tree (which no doubt drips sap on everything within reach)?

Cowboys 24 - 14 Vikings

It's stunning that this game could have been as close as it was given the Cowboys racking up nearly 400 yards of total offense while Tavaris Jackson went 6-19 for 65 yards.  The defense almost outscored the offense again, when Kevin Williams recovered a fumble and ran it so far back he required oxygen (that return was called back) and when Cedric Griffin recovered a fumble, dropped it, and recovered it on the bounce to run 50 yards for a TD.  Adrian Peterson did score one TD for the offense, but unfortunately our field goal unit also gave up a 68-yard TD return on a blocked kick.  For all their success moving the ball, I can't believe the Cowboys didn't score more... as it were they were fortunate to get TO's score on a total breakdown in pass coverage by the best players in the Vikings secondary.  The Vikings couldn't hang onto the ball long enough to do much with it, going 2/12 on third down, and while I won't say Jackson looked anywhere near good, I still wonder how he'd be with a year as a starter, decent play calling, and somebody to throw to, given that nobody but Peterson steps up on offense to make anything happen under pressure...  anybody looked good as QB when Cris Carter and Randy Moss could make plays on uncatchable balls.  The Vikings will still stink this year, but that's at least a couple weeks where they stayed in games to the end, and hanging in there with the Cowboys, holding the lead at halftime... that isn't half bad.

Now if only my underperforming fantasy football team, the Brussels Sprouts, could turn things around.  Leaving town without setting a roster, and then forgetting about them during the bye week didn't help their record too much.  Usually the league of European soccer fans isn't so tough a challenge, I can't believe I'm on a six game losing streak.