Who brought down the 35W bridge?

Fingers are pointing, rumors are swirling, so let me see if I can't sort out some of the conspiracy theories surrounding the bridge collapse.

Theory #1 - It was the repair crew

The essential tenet of this theory is that the repair crew resurfacing the bridge deck piled all their supplies on one side of the bridge, tipping one section and destabilizing the whole bridge. The NTSB has requested any video evidence of exactly who and what was on the bridge when it collapsed, so pretty soon the damning photo will come out with giant piles of sand and concrete, a semi trailer full of bowling balls, a Carthaginian general marching elephants across the Mississippi, and only three minis and a vespa in the northbound lanes to balance it out. Actually the elephants don't come until the Republican convention next year, when the Captain will be in China waving a little red book at the Olympic badminton tournament.

Theory #2 - Pigeons did it

You know those little fuckers would get us if they could... they ruined all the statues in Milan, now they're after the bridges, too! Unfortunately despite the amusing hysteria, the quantity of pigeon shit required to significantly weaken the concrete on a bridge that size is so staggering that even with another 40 years to do it, the little bastards couldn't come close. The actually sane possibility underlying this particular theory is that the pigeons layered so much of their horrid droppings on the bridge that they obscured cracks in the cement and other structural failures, and none of the inspectors were willing to get in there with a pickaxe and a shovel to dig down through it to check on the underlying structure. (Fucking pigeons.)

Theory #3 - It was LRT advocates

There's a real rush to get the main north-south artery through the Twin Cities rebuilt in a hurry, and it sounds like the new plans include a fourth lane to be reserved for a future light rail project. This appears awfully... convenient... to the varied opponents of mass transit in Minnesota, who are suggesting that the collapse was orchestrated by pro-mass transit environmentalist liberals, whose green outfits provided the perfect camouflage to slip in amongst the green steel supports of the substructure. To those who point out that most demolitions are noisy and somewhat obvious, the conspiracy theorists answer that clearly the green meanies used thermite to melt the supports, and point to the white smoke observed by drivers right before the collapse.

Theory #4 - God did it

This is one that shouldn't be real, but it is. Christian groups who will not be named are actually making a big fuss about this, and trying to get the message out that God was upset with Minnesota, because we're sinfully tolerant of homosexuality. Gone are the days of the burning bush and leaving some commandments behind a rock, or sending light-footed angels and groovy messiahs. Plunging a bridge into a river just had that je ne sais quoi characteristic of the Allmighty when he's doing the work of his more hate-filled disciples: it's vague enough they have to shout a bit louder to make their case.

Theory #5 - There is no theory #5

Seriously, I can't think of one. (At least that's what we want you to think.)

Theory #6 - It was The Captain

I know at first this seems implausible, but consider his long-running (and highly misunderstood) vendetta against the St. Paul Port Authority (which he still says is not a bus depot). I haven't quite figured out the specifics on this one (he's wily) but he's been incognito for a while, and I know he must have been up to something. (Something other than having a life, and a wife, and a fief.)

Theory #7 - It was the iPhone

It's an NES emulator so you can play Mario Bros, it plays pr0n so you can enjoy the golden era of Peter North on the subway, and oh yeah, it's a phone. Seriously, is there anything it can't do? Is there anything it... wouldn't do? She's a nasty girl that iPhone, she's 1337 and she's coming out swinging.

Theory #8 - It was NAFTA

This theory is based on the proposal for a NAFTA Superhighway linking Mexico, Canada, and the United States. It's hard to nail down specifics on this thing, partly because the Trans-Texas Corridor has already been called a NAFTA Superhighway, and has multiple potential routes on its own, and partly because most of the people talking about the NAFTA Superhighway don't know anything either and so they're creating their own fantasy of where it will go and how it will ruin their lives. For instance, Canadian conspiracists have it running to Churchill, Manitoba, like we're going to import their stupid garbage eating polar bears. I flew through Churchill once, your airport is boring and uncomfortable, I never got my peanuts and the girl sitting next to me was a lesbian so no mile high club. But one of the blindingly obvious routes would be the I-35 corridor, which will probably in the end house a lot of the Trans-Texas Corridor, and gets you awfully close enough to Western Canada and perhaps most importantly goes right to major ports on Lake Superior. Why in the holy hell conspiracy theorists think it would run through downtown Minneapolis is anybody's guess, since the whole point of such a highway is to bypass urban density at 85mph, but their theory is the bridge is being rebuilt to accommodate truckloads of Mexican day laborers, I guess.

Grand Unifying Theory

As always, it falls to me to sort this all out, and explain how all these disparate elements are not contradictory... but in fact complimentary. Let's start with something obvious, the mystery of how pigeons were able to generate such volume at high accuracy when they coated over weak spots in the bridge. The Christians have this one solved: God sent the pigeons (see Theory #4 - God did it). He moves in mysterious ways, and he's spoken through representatives on earth before, so let us turn to the surprising involvement of the Captain (whose motives are clearly spelled out in Theories #3 and #6). Most people would tell you he couldn't possibly have climbed out on narrow girders to set precise thermite charges, being more of an idea man and bon vivant than black ops ninja, but remember this: anyone who's played Mercy with the Captain has certainly felt the hand of God reaching through those fingers, bending the unworthy to their knees... I say in Christ all things are possible. Plus see Theory #1, and remember this guy is all for keeping elephants out of town, and as a loyal foot-soldier of the dfL got the unionized labor force off the bridge in time, no doubt by calling them on his iPhone (Theory #7), forcing them to drop what they were doing leaving all the supplies piled up on one side of the bridge before they had a chance to divide them up (a key tenet of Theory #1). So am I really arguing that the Christian activists are right and God hates fags? Of course not, and while they may have felt the presence of God, whatever secrets lurk in their hearts and their loins led them to the wrong answers about his plan. It's very simple: God loves Mexicans, and he wants to build them a shining path to paradise... which is apparently located at the end of the NAFTA Superhighway on the outskirts of Churchill, Manitoba and guarded by polar bears in case the rest of us stumble across it before they get there (Theory #8). And any discrepancies are all explained by Secret Conspiracy Theory #5, which will not be revealed at this time.