There are in fact, some things that really aren't that great. I mean I'll readily admit they're good, I'm not a total idiot or anything, but they're just... not that great.
CSI, for instance, is really not that great. I've only seen a couple episodes of this show, but I've discovered that apparently everything in Las Vegas is covered in semen. Car accident? Better check the driver for semen just to be sure. I don't have a problem with people apparently going at it on every available surface, I'm really all for that, I mean sometimes the only thing you can find to cuff a woman to for sex and spanking is going to be playground equipment. Er, for example. Crowbarring in a few juvenile sexual references (like I just did) isn't really that big a deal, I mean SVU has hit some groaner moments like the lawyer moonlighting as a stripper, which wouldn't have been so stupid if it wasn't for the "feel of men's eyes" soliloquy by a coworker. These were like the first heterosexual strippers I've ever heard of, but that's another story. The thing with CSI is the constant attempts at momentous lines, obviously inspired by the Jerry Orbach teaser quip from like, every Law&Order episode ever. The one that finally did it for me was the guy who really caught Hannibal Lecter talking about roller coasters: "You see, for me it's not about the track. It's about the thrill." As opposed to the people who ride for the #@%&'ing scenery, but since it's in an amusement park full of vomiting kids and flashing lights in an otherwise vacant splotch of blacktop, I'm guessing the scenery really isn't all that great.
Kyle Lohse was also not that great. I'm not knocking Lohse, I'm just saying he... well, I'm saying he wasn't that great. He had years to turn into a quality starting pitcher for the Twins, and the Twins have done well by trying to keep talent coming up through the minor league organization. So they ship out guys like Kyle Lohse and Doug Mientkiewicz who have no future, with the Twins pitching prospects and Morneau-for-4 having a better trade-off of offensive and defensive skills at first base. Everybody tends to agree that keeping talent flowing into the minor league organization has worked, but there were grumbles about Lohse and Mientkiewicz, both because of a perceived lack of value in the trades, and because of a sense that a play-off run was being hurt in order to build for the future. Here's the thing... Kyle Lohse wouldn't pitch in the play-offs anyways, and if the margin of victory in making the wild card spot is Kyle Lohse winning as a starter, you really aren't going to win the world series. The same thing went for Mientkiewicz, he was superlative at the sport's easiest job to fill (playing first base), but it's unlikely you'll notice a huge difference between him and his replacement, so it's better to go with somebody that can hit. This meant the Twins could likely make better use of the roster spot by promoting somebody from the minors, even if they got nothing for Lohse and Mientkiewicz. Nobody wanted Lohse or Mientkiewicz enough to offer a lot in return, since they had few marketable rare abilities. Getting them out of the way of minor league talent and stocking up a bit more in the minors was good business, because they weren't that great.
Seinfeld? Not that great, I'm afraid. Here's the proof, the legacy of Seinfeld is in the concepts, the banal things that were formalized and exaggerated to comedic proportions, like the implied agreement of tupperware when formalized and applied to giving food to the homeless. The thing is, you don't actually have to see the episode to appreciate the observational humor, and I've recently come to the conclusion that it actually helps not to watch the actual episodes. Part of Seinfeld was the narcissism and lack of empathy of all the characters, which was supposed to be funny at their expense, but that aspect really misfired a lot. Generally they're just being cheap and petty, and obsessively so. Is there a shortage of people like that, because I don't think there is one that justifies broadcasting a daily fix of them. Like George freaking out for the entire episode about how he has to chip in for a $12 bottle of wine and a dessert to bring to a dinner party, in my experience there are actually plenty of people who are that cheap and aggravating, so it's really not funny. The show is popularly recognized as having jumped the shark when they took that same attitude too far, and nobody cared when George's fiancee died. Eventually the show even had to recognize this and punish the characters for their narcissism in the series finale. The physical comedy and intermittent yelping by Kramer only works in small doses, so if you watch two episodes back to back, it's immediately clear why Michael Richards' schtick didn't outlive this show. Also, George being depressed and pathetic, an intermittent running theme, is not great escapist entertainment for me, for some odd reason.
Big Slick is also surprisingly not that great. You'd think it would be, you really would, but it seems like whenever somebody throws away most of their chips, they went in with Big Slick, and they're not happy about it. The idea is that playing Texas Hold'em, there are only two starting hands that dominate Big Slick, Bullets and Cowboys. Against any other pair, it's even money before the flop. However, it's always the hand where people get fucked in crazy ways, like making trips on the flop then losing to the Wheel. It's just not that great is all I'm saying. Also not that great is when the short stack picks up fishhooks and goes nuts figuring it's time to make their last stand, because they always get chewed up by a bigger pair.
Obviously I'd also have to include poorly edited gonzo porn. Often poor editing means holding the same stable shot for so long that you see the point when the performers have to kind of mentally start the loop over, like shift their weight and shake out tired muscles before going back to the same mechanical motion. What also stands out in this process is the mental reboot, where somebody stops moaning, looks irritated and bored, then starts a new series of moans. The close-up anatomical shots, much as I love them, if held for so long that they start to lose any cohesion with the rest of the scene, and become just clinical, well, they're not so great. I will happily admit to loving gonzo porn, but when you point a camera at it and nod off, so does the audience.
Once on top of the world, but now just not so great anymore, the Beckhams. David's limitations really stood out during the World Cup, since he can't get past fullbacks, can't keep up with his assignment on defense even on set pieces, and is into the phase of his career when his speed and endurance will continue to drop drastically while he takes longer and longer to recover from more frequent injuries. His England career is over, since his sole contribution at international level is set pieces and the occasional long ball or cross if the whole defense sags off of him, like a Steve Kerr 3-pointer. He is likely to be dropped from Real Madrid's first team, and his wife's shopping and nightlife needs mean he's got two options, some second-rate London club like Tottenham Hotspur or... well actually just Spurs, or he can admit he's past it, and sign up with Red Bull New York or the LA Galaxy, and tap new markets for his image. Then again, he and his wife were booed at an MTV awards show, and got tossed again when they demanded that an LA store throw out the plebs so they could shop without being mobbed, were asked by management, "Who the fuck are you and why would we do that?" Actually, is he even that attractive to androphiles anymore, with his goofy personal grooming and body art choices? Which brings me to Posh, whose career ended eight years ago. The end of her husband's international career means she's not the leader of the Wags (Wives and Girlfriends) that traveled the length and breadth of Germany to the embarrassment of normal people all over England. (On an etymological note, Wags is a plural noun with no singular, since a lone member of the Wags is a wife or a girlfriend, not a Wag.) What was really sad was on all the endless cuts to her in the stands looking like an old lady with her over-sized sunglasses, sitting next to her and stealing all my attention was Ashley Cole's girlfriend Cheryl Tweedy looking hot, completely outshining the queen bee Posh, who looked by comparison, well, not that great. Although apparently Cheryl backs up the idea that Posh isn't nearly as useless as most of the other Wags, and with her understanding of how to work the media Becks went from that guy with the hair in his eyes who kicks people to international sex symbol.
What's really also not so great are top five and top ten lists and the like, because it's so hard to be definitive, exhaustive, and self-conscious in form all at the same time. Particularly not so great is this list. It's long-winded without any sort of structure, which makes it difficult to read and impossible to scan for relevant highlights, which given the completely random set of topics makes it unlikely the one or two people who might consider reading it will get anything out of it. I mean no section subheadings, no numbers, just long, undistinguished paragraphs of morose, possibly bitter-sounding prose? Reworking sections to avoid the impression of the usual hysterical, ranting style of my emails and blog posts would have been great, but I didn't do it, so perhaps that is also not really so great. Boring and cryptic sections up front like the entry that doesn't even identify what Big Slick refers to, and continues with more nicknames like presto, I mean that can't be too great. And really, with the volumes I could write about gonzo porn and its undeserved negative image, to just mention the bad instead of writing a spirited exploration of its merits, well, even I think that wasn't too great a thing for me to do. Boy would I ever owe my readers an apology if I had any.
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