American Citizenship Test

1. If you catch a home run ball in the top of the 9^th, what do you do with the ball after the game?

a) Wait around until after the game to get it signed by the hitter

b) Give it to a kid

c) Take it home and give it to your brother-cousin

d) Nothing, because you threw that piece of shit back onto the field!

2. Ulysses S Grant was a general in:

a) The Spanish-American War

b) The War of 1812

c) The War of Northern Aggression

d) The Civil War

3. America's best cultural export is:

a) Hawaiian shirts

b) Detroit Automobiles

c) Texas football

d) Chicago Blues

4. The French are best described as:

a) A historical ally whose support was critical to a US victory at Yorktown

b) A former colonial power with crucial political influence in Africa and Russia

c) Cheese-eating surrender monkeys we keep having to bail out of wars

d) All of the above

5. The electoral college system is:

a) An 18^th century vision of government that should have been abolished by the 17^th amendment

b) An undemocratic system that favors regional, rural and agrarian politics

c) The Founding Fathers' way of keeping black lesbian communists from screwing up the country

d) What the hell is the electoral college?

6. Which best describes Canada:

a) A G7 nation and parliamentary republic with its own unique blend of immigrant cultures

b) A bland, humorless snowdrift with 30 million Napoleonic complexes

c) The 51^st State

d) All of the above

7. Which of the following American contributions to world cuisine is edible:

a) The McDonald's Happy Meal

b) Velveeta slices

c) Possum fresh off the grill (if you know what I mean)

d) Pumpkin Pie

8. What do the 4^th and 5^th amendments protect Americans from?

a) Unreasonable searches and intrusion by the police

b) Being forced to turn over evidence against themselves

c) Getting cornholed by gay rapist French communist university professors

d) A and B, but only if you're not a terrorist

9. South of the United States one would find:

a) Mexico

b) The Republic of Texas

c) Lazy people who want to hike across a desert to work two jobs (lazily)

d) Señor Frog's

10. If somebody says something you don't like, what does the Constitution say about that?

a) Everyone has a right to free speech (1^st amendment)

b) Everyone is entitled to the same rights under the law (14^th amendment)

c) Shoot the bastard! (2^nd amendment)

d) A and B, as long as you support the President and not the terrorists (Bush & Nixon Administrations)

Bonus Question:

Which of the following people is truly an American hero who risked his or her life for freedom:

a) Francis Marion, the Swamp Fox

b) Ralph Hinkley, the Greatest American Hero

c) Jessica Lynch, that baby Osama bin Laden threw down a well in Iraq

d) G.I. Joe, a Real American Hero

Scoring:

Add up the number of times you answered “D” here:

American Index _____

If you have an American Index of 7 or higher, congratulations! You are sufficiently American, and you can stay as long as you want.

Add up the number of times you answered “C” here:

Redneck Index _____

If you have a Redneck Index of 3 or higher, yee-haw! You are a Red State American, and you have 30 days to relocate south of the Mason-Dixon line.