Sunday, August 27, 2006

V for Vendetta

This movie got a horrible reception when it came out, and I have to concur in that I really couldn't recommend it to anybody. However, it had a lot of merits, or perhaps more accurately, a lot of potential. The story of disobedience and revolt by the population of an authoritarian regime was extremely captivating. The importance of symbolism, fear, the way a population forgets history, and how any show of disrespect can undermine the authority of a regime, were all near perfect in their presentation, and with a surprisingly light touch, given some of the controversies invoked by the film.

What makes it ineffective is in a word, Hollywood, primarily through the casting. Any peripheral scene, or any scene where no credited cast member has a spoken line, is enthralling. When Stephen Fry and the girl with the glasses take off their masks at the end of the film, I nearly shed tears. The authoritarian regime is presented reasonably competently, if not terribly interestingly, with Stephen Rea's Inspector Finch the lone highlight as a man with the intelligence to dig deeper into his society's workings but not the courage or imagination. Stephen Fry I felt was absolutely perfect as the dilettante rebel, keeping illegal cultural artifacts and engaging in minor subversions well below the public radar, but believing nothing serious will ever happen to him.

Unfortunately, the lead actors are truly the stone that sinks this movie, by being such predictably poor casting choices. I even like the actors, Hugo Weaving and Natalie Portman, but they just don't have nearly the right presence. Casting Natalie Portman as Evey Hammond is obviously the Hollywood's need for everybody to be young and photogenic, but for Portman it comes out as wilting and fragile, and so exceedingly pliable and vulnerable, that she can't sell the transformation to fearless rebel. She really can't hold the screen with much better actors around her, and this kills a lot of scenes, having no real interaction between her character and others. It's still hard to even take her seriously as an adult, which worked exceedingly well for Closer where everybody pushes her around and talks down to her level, and was great when she was at her acting peak around age 12-13, but falls pretty far short here. Her English accent seems like a transparent affection, and in addition to being distracting, makes her again seem like the American kids who go to Oxford and try to assume a new identity, which again makes her seem like an adolescent. The other contenders for the role, Bryce Dallas Howard and Scarlett Johansson, I feel might have brought some more adult qualities to the role.

Hugo Weaving's breathless, otherworldly speaking voice may have contributed to the fact that he's best known for playing an elf and a computer program, but here it makes it hard to see that under the mask and the grandiose symbolism, V is just a pained, twisted man. This adds a lot when it does occasionally manage to poke through, so it would have been nice to see more of it. As it is, with nothing visible underneath in Weaving's performance, V comes across as a ridiculous shell, most clearly in the scene where V destroys the Old Bailey, and is standing on a rooftop with Evey reveling in the destruction. With his impassive Guy Fawkes mask, and just the black gloved hands sticking out of his flowing black cloak, and a low wall in front of him, he looked like a reject from that castle Trolley used to visit on Mr. Rogers, with the little puppets of King Friday and Prince Tuesday. It was incredibly hard to take him seriously after that, especially when he's making eggs and toast while wearing a grinning mask. If the original actor cast for the role, James Purefoy, had stuck through the film, I feel like he would have given a much better impression of a man under the mask, which is what the film needs to make V real and not ridiculous.

The film also makes great use of music, but again, Hollywood needs a dramatic score with violins playing to let them know what emotion to feel, and this is distractingly bland and cliche. Dario Marinelli's score really can't stand next to the songs that close the film, Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture and the Stones' Street Fighting Man, both of which are what the movie really called for. I also can't go without mentioning Dynamite Ham's "BKAB" featuring Malcom X and Gloria Steinem that apparently kept a lot of people glued to their seats during the closing credits. But it's classical music, political techno, and a song from two generations back, all of which I can see making nervous suits say "You didn't even give them a good bang at the end so they'd know
when to clap!"

This is also interesting in that it's the third Stephen Rea film I've seen, and like Colin Firth is always playing Mr. Darcy, he always seems to be channeling the spirit of Ned Broy. In "Michael Collins" he plays Ned Broy, an Irish policeman who becomes an informant for the Republicans after starting to listen to Collins, in "The Crying Game" he's an IRA volunteer who quits after conversing with a British soldier, and in "V for Vendetta" he's again a policeman who starts to question the regime after listening to V. He's also a Belfast Protestant who had three children with an IRA bomber who was part of the Dirty Protest and hunger strikes. Kind of interesting to find a Presbyterian from Belfast who keeps playing revolutionaries.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Blu-Ray vs HD-DVD

Initially, I really didn't get why there was even a conflict over the format of the next generation of optical media, the mode through which high definition video recordings could be sold. The primary advantage of seemed HD-DVD I understood to be that it's cheaper to run an assembly line that can switch from HD-DVD and normal DVD, which frankly didn't sound all that great. In terms of space, HD-DVD would also be a minor improvement over regular DVD, whereas a DVD holds multiple times what a CD can. Blu-Ray makes a much bigger jump, and like DVD, should allow more things that weren't possible in existing media. HD-DVD would have to be replaced with something else much sooner. Then I found out why HD-DVD is winning the format war: Sony is stupid.

Obviously we already knew this, with their stupid anti-piracy software their CDs secretly install on computers, and the exploding laptop batteries don't help. But they're at it again, announcing that they're selling the first Blu-Ray drives, which will be usable for storage, since they can read data from blu-ray discs. However, you won't be able to play Blu-ray movies on them, because they haven't sorted out what DRM they'll use, but they're selling the things anyways (you can burn a pirated movie onto a Blu-ray disc and play it on one of these drives, though). Seriously, Sony Electronics have a superior product, but are holding it back because Sony Media hasn't figured out how to break it yet. This has apparently happened multiple times in the US at least, with stuff like MiniDisc, which apparently the rest of the world thought was great but we missed out on. The Sony Playstation which got DVD players into a lot of homes won't play Blu-ray (not enough anti-piracy hardware), so nobody's going to buy Blu-ray discs because they have a player already. Meanwhile HD-DVD is showing signs of actually being available, like Netflix is planning on renting HD-DVDs.

The other stupid thing is Sony is limiting the licensing, to control who puts out content in their format. Having a Sony-only format that only plays on Sony equipment and is entirely controlled by Sony helped kill Betamax, but apparently it's better to lose money than to lose control. This explained one thing I'd really been curious about, why the porn industry was behind HD-DVD. Apparently it's because Sony doesn't want to allow any porn producers to put anything out on Blu-Ray. So basically they have an electronics product you can't buy anything for in the immediate future, that will only have limited content as time goes by, and a format that requires very specific DRM-capable equipment.

The great thing about all of this is, nobody can tell the difference. VHS to DVD is huge, DVD to high definition is... not so huge. The only thing that really blows your mind in high def is sporting events, and you can't really sell a lot of recordings of live sporting events. Also, there are formats with better compression already spreading that make the DRM'ed Sony format obsolete. However, the real irony is Sony has now put out a product that can only play pirated movies, that really brightened my day.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Vikings screwed early

Usually they start out strong and the wheels come off mid-season, or just whenever they play the Giants. Finally, a New York Football Giants free season, one I can enjoy without an impending sense of dread, and it's starting with terrible omens. They didn't look that great against the Raiders, but I figured I shouldn't read too much into that, but even that seems to be getting worse. Then the St Peter Police Department got involved.

The giant, glaring weakness in this team was the horrible, horrible play at linebacker, so the big off-season debate was whether they'd done enough to shore up those positions. Their first round draft pick was a highly rated linebacker, but after playing one quarter of a preseason game he's out for the whole year. This is following our new strong safety having a season-ending injury while backing up during training camp. So we'll still have the giant glaring hole in the middle of the field on defense... boy that linebacker we got for Moss was a great pick-up. Continued improvement on the defensive line would go a long way, but late in games the wide-open middle and sloppy tackling will apparently still negate the improvement of the line and the secondary the past few years. Don't get me started on how unbelievably bad our coverage teams were.

The talent level of our offensive skill position players has gone down, now that Moss and Culpepper are gone, but theoretically the offensive line should be a lot better, and the running game along with it now that they have a decent runningback who ranks football ahead of weed. On the other hand, the team's best receiver will probably spend the season in jail, after he led the St. Peter police department on a 100 mph chase to avoid a DWI. That certainly worked out well. I'd just like to point out once again, that for all the criticism of Randy Moss, he didn't miss entire seasons because of jail terms and failed drug tests, unlike other recent Vikings offensive starters. At least Tavaris Jackson looks like he might be the real deal at QB for next year.

This just doesn't look good... the improvements to the line and the running game may lead to the offense actually holding the ball long enough to keep our defense from collapsing late in games, which would be an improvement, but they're still not going to score on anybody. 3rd down is still going to be rough with wide open passing lanes across the middle, so the D isn't going to smother anybody either. Mediocrity abounds, and in a year we play the AFC East and the NFC West, I won't get to heckle my friends the Dolphin and 9er fans. I hope they look better by the opener against the Redskins. You know, I'm actually kind of glad that's a road game, I think spending the 5th anniversary of 9/11 with 64,000 people in a building with almost no exits would really unnerve me so much I wouldn't enjoy the game.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Starfleet Medical Ethics, and why I'd never use the EMH

In episode #130, "Pathfinder", Voyager is contacted through a new communications technology created by Lt. Reginald Barclay (better known as Howlin' Mad Murdock on the A-Team). At the end of the episode the crew toasts Lt. Barclay, and the captain asks if anybody knows him. The Doctor mentions that he read Barclay's file, and in a stunning lapse of professionalism, tells everyone about Barclay's amusing medical history (which includes phobias, addictions, and one time turning into a giant spider). Have his ethical subroutines just been corrupted, deleted, and rewritten so many times that after five and a half years they just don't even kick in anymore? Is his usual contribution to cocktail parties to tell everybody the 1st officer was a bedwetter?

I also assume that the file had a picture of the guy, so when the captain asked if anybody had a reference for the guy, you'd think that the Doctor would mention that in a sense they all sort of met him back in episode #10, "Projections", WHEN HIS HOLOGRAM TRIED TO STEAL THE SHIP. You'd think that would be something people would remember, the time Ferengi pirates sent a hologram from the alpha quadrant who charmed the whole crew before trying to murder them. It would also be a bit more appropriate than "Apparently he's sought extensive treatment for his crippling fear of transporters, what a freak." Granted, the Doctor's program had been rewritten or taken over by self-aware smart bombs and the like, and his holoemitter had been broken or embedded in the brain of a borg drone about 120 times in the intervening episodes, so maybe it's understandable he'd forget some things. Kind of makes you wonder what medical knowledge he's also forgotten though, doesn't it?

That being said, an indeterminate number of lightyears from Earth (the only explanation for their variable progress and the way people always catch up to them is if they went in the wrong direction most of the time) and if you get sick, your medical options are limited. You can go see the EMH whose medical ethics and long-term memory are intermittent, or you can see the other health care provider... an ex-con who was only halfway through his sentence for treason when he got pressed into service. I have to assume the replicators are working over time making vitamin C for a crew that's desperately afraid of going to sickbay.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Things that are not that great

There are in fact, some things that really aren't that great. I mean I'll readily admit they're good, I'm not a total idiot or anything, but they're just... not that great.

CSI, for instance, is really not that great. I've only seen a couple episodes of this show, but I've discovered that apparently everything in Las Vegas is covered in semen. Car accident? Better check the driver for semen just to be sure. I don't have a problem with people apparently going at it on every available surface, I'm really all for that, I mean sometimes the only thing you can find to cuff a woman to for sex and spanking is going to be playground equipment. Er, for example. Crowbarring in a few juvenile sexual references (like I just did) isn't really that big a deal, I mean SVU has hit some groaner moments like the lawyer moonlighting as a stripper, which wouldn't have been so stupid if it wasn't for the "feel of men's eyes" soliloquy by a coworker. These were like the first heterosexual strippers I've ever heard of, but that's another story. The thing with CSI is the constant attempts at momentous lines, obviously inspired by the Jerry Orbach teaser quip from like, every Law&Order episode ever. The one that finally did it for me was the guy who really caught Hannibal Lecter talking about roller coasters: "You see, for me it's not about the track. It's about the thrill." As opposed to the people who ride for the #@%&'ing scenery, but since it's in an amusement park full of vomiting kids and flashing lights in an otherwise vacant splotch of blacktop, I'm guessing the scenery really isn't all that great.

Kyle Lohse was also not that great. I'm not knocking Lohse, I'm just saying he... well, I'm saying he wasn't that great. He had years to turn into a quality starting pitcher for the Twins, and the Twins have done well by trying to keep talent coming up through the minor league organization. So they ship out guys like Kyle Lohse and Doug Mientkiewicz who have no future, with the Twins pitching prospects and Morneau-for-4 having a better trade-off of offensive and defensive skills at first base. Everybody tends to agree that keeping talent flowing into the minor league organization has worked, but there were grumbles about Lohse and Mientkiewicz, both because of a perceived lack of value in the trades, and because of a sense that a play-off run was being hurt in order to build for the future. Here's the thing... Kyle Lohse wouldn't pitch in the play-offs anyways, and if the margin of victory in making the wild card spot is Kyle Lohse winning as a starter, you really aren't going to win the world series. The same thing went for Mientkiewicz, he was superlative at the sport's easiest job to fill (playing first base), but it's unlikely you'll notice a huge difference between him and his replacement, so it's better to go with somebody that can hit. This meant the Twins could likely make better use of the roster spot by promoting somebody from the minors, even if they got nothing for Lohse and Mientkiewicz. Nobody wanted Lohse or Mientkiewicz enough to offer a lot in return, since they had few marketable rare abilities. Getting them out of the way of minor league talent and stocking up a bit more in the minors was good business, because they weren't that great.

Seinfeld? Not that great, I'm afraid. Here's the proof, the legacy of Seinfeld is in the concepts, the banal things that were formalized and exaggerated to comedic proportions, like the implied agreement of tupperware when formalized and applied to giving food to the homeless. The thing is, you don't actually have to see the episode to appreciate the observational humor, and I've recently come to the conclusion that it actually helps not to watch the actual episodes. Part of Seinfeld was the narcissism and lack of empathy of all the characters, which was supposed to be funny at their expense, but that aspect really misfired a lot. Generally they're just being cheap and petty, and obsessively so. Is there a shortage of people like that, because I don't think there is one that justifies broadcasting a daily fix of them. Like George freaking out for the entire episode about how he has to chip in for a $12 bottle of wine and a dessert to bring to a dinner party, in my experience there are actually plenty of people who are that cheap and aggravating, so it's really not funny. The show is popularly recognized as having jumped the shark when they took that same attitude too far, and nobody cared when George's fiancee died. Eventually the show even had to recognize this and punish the characters for their narcissism in the series finale. The physical comedy and intermittent yelping by Kramer only works in small doses, so if you watch two episodes back to back, it's immediately clear why Michael Richards' schtick didn't outlive this show. Also, George being depressed and pathetic, an intermittent running theme, is not great escapist entertainment for me, for some odd reason.

Big Slick is also surprisingly not that great. You'd think it would be, you really would, but it seems like whenever somebody throws away most of their chips, they went in with Big Slick, and they're not happy about it. The idea is that playing Texas Hold'em, there are only two starting hands that dominate Big Slick, Bullets and Cowboys. Against any other pair, it's even money before the flop. However, it's always the hand where people get fucked in crazy ways, like making trips on the flop then losing to the Wheel. It's just not that great is all I'm saying. Also not that great is when the short stack picks up fishhooks and goes nuts figuring it's time to make their last stand, because they always get chewed up by a bigger pair.

Obviously I'd also have to include poorly edited gonzo porn. Often poor editing means holding the same stable shot for so long that you see the point when the performers have to kind of mentally start the loop over, like shift their weight and shake out tired muscles before going back to the same mechanical motion. What also stands out in this process is the mental reboot, where somebody stops moaning, looks irritated and bored, then starts a new series of moans. The close-up anatomical shots, much as I love them, if held for so long that they start to lose any cohesion with the rest of the scene, and become just clinical, well, they're not so great. I will happily admit to loving gonzo porn, but when you point a camera at it and nod off, so does the audience.

Once on top of the world, but now just not so great anymore, the Beckhams. David's limitations really stood out during the World Cup, since he can't get past fullbacks, can't keep up with his assignment on defense even on set pieces, and is into the phase of his career when his speed and endurance will continue to drop drastically while he takes longer and longer to recover from more frequent injuries. His England career is over, since his sole contribution at international level is set pieces and the occasional long ball or cross if the whole defense sags off of him, like a Steve Kerr 3-pointer. He is likely to be dropped from Real Madrid's first team, and his wife's shopping and nightlife needs mean he's got two options, some second-rate London club like Tottenham Hotspur or... well actually just Spurs, or he can admit he's past it, and sign up with Red Bull New York or the LA Galaxy, and tap new markets for his image. Then again, he and his wife were booed at an MTV awards show, and got tossed again when they demanded that an LA store throw out the plebs so they could shop without being mobbed, were asked by management, "Who the fuck are you and why would we do that?" Actually, is he even that attractive to androphiles anymore, with his goofy personal grooming and body art choices? Which brings me to Posh, whose career ended eight years ago. The end of her husband's international career means she's not the leader of the Wags (Wives and Girlfriends) that traveled the length and breadth of Germany to the embarrassment of normal people all over England. (On an etymological note, Wags is a plural noun with no singular, since a lone member of the Wags is a wife or a girlfriend, not a Wag.) What was really sad was on all the endless cuts to her in the stands looking like an old lady with her over-sized sunglasses, sitting next to her and stealing all my attention was Ashley Cole's girlfriend Cheryl Tweedy looking hot, completely outshining the queen bee Posh, who looked by comparison, well, not that great. Although apparently Cheryl backs up the idea that Posh isn't nearly as useless as most of the other Wags, and with her understanding of how to work the media Becks went from that guy with the hair in his eyes who kicks people to international sex symbol.

What's really also not so great are top five and top ten lists and the like, because it's so hard to be definitive, exhaustive, and self-conscious in form all at the same time. Particularly not so great is this list. It's long-winded without any sort of structure, which makes it difficult to read and impossible to scan for relevant highlights, which given the completely random set of topics makes it unlikely the one or two people who might consider reading it will get anything out of it. I mean no section subheadings, no numbers, just long, undistinguished paragraphs of morose, possibly bitter-sounding prose? Reworking sections to avoid the impression of the usual hysterical, ranting style of my emails and blog posts would have been great, but I didn't do it, so perhaps that is also not really so great. Boring and cryptic sections up front like the entry that doesn't even identify what Big Slick refers to, and continues with more nicknames like presto, I mean that can't be too great. And really, with the volumes I could write about gonzo porn and its undeserved negative image, to just mention the bad instead of writing a spirited exploration of its merits, well, even I think that wasn't too great a thing for me to do. Boy would I ever owe my readers an apology if I had any.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

American Citizenship Test

1. If you catch a home run ball in the top of the 9th, what do you do with the ball after the game?

a) Wait around until after the game to get it signed by the hitter

b) Give it to a kid

c) Take it home and give it to your brother-cousin

d) Nothing, because you threw that piece of shit back onto the field!


2. Ulysses S Grant was a general in:

a) The Spanish-American War

b) The War of 1812

c) The War of Northern Aggression

d) The Civil War


3. America's best cultural export is:

a) Hawaiian shirts

b) Detroit Automobiles

c) Texas football

d) Chicago Blues


4. The French are best described as:

a) A historical ally whose support was critical to a US victory at Yorktown

b) A former colonial power with crucial political influence in Africa and Russia

c) Cheese-eating surrender monkeys we keep having to bail out of wars

d) All of the above


5. The electoral college system is:

a) An 18th century vision of government that should have been abolished by the 17th amendment

b) An undemocratic system that favors regional, rural and agrarian politics

c) The Founding Fathers' way of keeping black lesbian communists from screwing up the country

d) What the hell is the electoral college?


6. Which best describes Canada:

a) A G7 nation and parliamentary republic with its own unique blend of immigrant cultures

b) A bland, humorless snowdrift with 30 million Napoleonic complexes

c) The 51st State

d) All of the above


7. Which of the following American contributions to world cuisine is edible:

a) The McDonald's Happy Meal

b) Velveeta slices

c) Possum fresh off the grill (if you know what I mean)

d) Pumpkin Pie

8. What do the 4th and 5th amendments protect Americans from?

a) Unreasonable searches and intrusion by the police

b) Being forced to turn over evidence against themselves

c) Getting cornholed by gay rapist French communist university professors

d) A and B, but only if you're not a terrorist


9. South of the United States one would find:

a) Mexico

b) The Republic of Texas

c) Lazy people who want to hike across a desert to work two jobs (lazily)

d) Señor Frog's


10. If somebody says something you don't like, what does the Constitution say about that?

a) Everyone has a right to free speech (1st amendment)

b) Everyone is entitled to the same rights under the law (14th amendment)

c) Shoot the bastard! (2nd amendment)

d) A and B, as long as you support the President and not the terrorists (Bush & Nixon Administrations)


Bonus Question:

Which of the following people is truly an American hero who risked his or her life for freedom:

a) Francis Marion, the Swamp Fox

b) Ralph Hinkley, the Greatest American Hero

c) Jessica Lynch, that baby Osama bin Laden threw down a well in Iraq

d) G.I. Joe, a Real American Hero


Scoring:


Add up the number of times you answered “D” here:


American Index _____


If you have an American Index of 7 or higher, congratulations! You are sufficiently American, and you can stay as long as you want.


Add up the number of times you answered “C” here:


Redneck Index _____


If you have a Redneck Index of 3 or higher, yee-haw! You are a Red State American, and you have 30 days to relocate south of the Mason-Dixon line.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

The Wicker Man

I just finally saw a trailer for the Nicholas Cage remake of The Wicker Man. Creepy supernatural people keep turning into bees and flying away, so obviously this isn't a faithful remake of the original film, which retains a healthy amount of skepticism through Edward Woodward. The thing is, amping up the horror with all this goofy shit with the girl having glowing red eyes on the poster, etc. would actually makes the movie a lot less scary than the original, because it establishes before you even get to the theater that it's all fantastical and not grounded in reality. There can be no dawning sense of horror as Nicholas Cage figures out what's going on, because there's already people turning into clouds of bees (or maybe it was flies) in the trailer.

The very act of casting Nicholas Cage also means the movie has to give him a very different character, because Edward Woodward's devout Protestant virgin from the original just isn't an A-list actor popcorn movie character: Nick Cage has to be much more world-weary, cynical, and imply hot sex with every breath. The characterization in the original allows for the tension and revulsion of Woodward towards the people of the island in the original, and lets him stay a detective fiction character who's stumbled into a ghost story and is having none of it, thank you very much. In my opinion the gut punch of the original film comes from the way detective stories and horror stories begin the same way, before diverging, and people bursting into clouds of bees kinds of blows that.

According to what I've read, the remake apparently decided to make the tension between the policeman and the people of the island not be over Christianity versus paganism. Instead, it's about gender, because being an authority figure as a policeman, Nicholas Cage will represent the patriarchy of the outside world, versus the matriarchy of the island. Unfortunately, female antagonists subjecting men to horror doesn't work too well, because half the audience needs it to be a girl power moment, so they can't follow through, unless she's a cartoonish villain in an action movie. If you think it's just me being paranoid, see Amber Benson talking up the empowerment moment of Kathy Bates crippling a man with a sledgehammer in Misery in that 100 scariest movie moments special. Somebody taking pride in that was the creepiest part of the whole show. That and the numerous times I've heard about peer reviewed studies of matriarchal societies show them to be free of violence and social inequality, without any being named (studies or societies) kind of leads me to believe they'll be toothless in this version as well.

My assumption is once again, we'll get a remake that totally missed what made the original stick in anybody's head for 30 years. With most of these remakes, we already know the story, and where the originals were suffused with the politics and culture of the day, the remakes substitute cartoonish versions of the same issues, which are safe and do nothing to unnerve modern audiences. You don't address today's issues, you look back at the attitude of 30-40 years ago so the audience all agrees and you don't take any chances. (I may have made fun of the hamfistedness of it, but the X-Men movies did actually engage with some of modern society's areas of discomfort.)

But with the commercial remakes, exploiting known properties, you get the remake of the Stepford Wives that had the women better off as robots in the end, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre without meat packers, Dawn of the Dead without Vietnam or race relations, The Hills Have Eyes without nuclear testing, and even though it's not horror The Manchurian Candidate without the original's Cold War paranoia. What stood out as an exception last year was Land of the Dead (a possible parable of Red State America) but that's because it was made by George A. Romero, who was active when these movies were about more than having Michael Berryman jump out and say "Boo!" Even Count Chocula has a fascinating subtext of antisemitism that makes Mel Gibson look open-minded and tolerant. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to burst into a cloud of hornets and go build a nest on somebody's balcony.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Italian Referee Scandal Fallout

For anybody not following this story, what was long suspected in Italian football, that some top clubs (Juventus in particular) got favorable refereeing, was finally proved. Juventus had a scheme for seeing that friendly referees were assigned to their games, and supposedly to counteract this Milan had a scheme to skew the assignment of linesmen. Franco Zefirelli was once sued for libel after making a film trying to highlight all the questionable calls that go Juve's way, but now he's been vindicated. Milan, Lazio, and Fiorentina were all caught in this scandal when it broke, and all have been punished. There was little evidence that Milan was directly interfering, and the top management weren't be directly implicated, so they really aren't coming out of this too badly. Here are the penalties:

Lazio was relegated to Serie B, and will start the season with a 7 point penalty. They could be back in Serie A the next year, depending on whether their players stick around. Lazio may have a giant fire sale and take a little longer to recover, given the drop in income.

Fiorentina was also relegated to Serie B with a 12 point penalty, so they'll have a rougher time climbing back up even with players sticking around. Following a good World Cup, Luca Toni should bring in a lot of money if they sell him now.

Juventus got hit the hardest, relegated to Serie B with a 30 point penalty. Especially not knowing who'll stick around for next year, the penalty will mean next season they'll be playing to avoid relegation to Serie C for the 2007. The prosecutor's recommendation was relegation to Serie C with a 6 point penalty, which would have meant they'd be in Serie B in 2007 for sure, this way they'll have to fight to even be sure of that.

Milan had 44 points deducted from this season, meaning they went from 2nd to 7th, and a 15 point penalty next year. The crazy thing is theoretically Milan should have missed out on European competition because of that deduction, but Empoli, for what reason I don't know, doesn't have a license to play in European competition, so Milan will possibly play in the UEFA Cup. A 15 point deduction means Milan also has a shot at playing in the Champions league in 2007, or at least the UEFA Cup. This is pretty significant, if they do well in Europe they won't take a big hit to their income and can keep a strong squad together, while their biggest rival will be rebuilding for years.

It's not clear yet how the loss of top players and the income to retain and replace them will affect these clubs. Going into next year, a largely unchallenged and stocked with talent Inter Milan will find a way to choke the title away, leaving it wide open. Francesco Totti's decision to stay his entire career at Roma has been criticized in the past, since he could have been a bigger star at a bigger club, but now that decision has to be looking pretty good to him, with only choke-happy Inter between him and another scudetto. It should be an interesting season in Serie A and Serie B, for sure.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

The Aftermath of the Headbutt

Supposedly Italian lip-readers have tried to ascertain what Marco Materazzi said right before Zinedine Zidane head-butted him, and according to submissions to the Corriere della Sera, this is what he said to set Zidane off:

"Guarda, Zizou, che quando Sartre propone di restaurare la dialettizzazione intersoggettiva resuscitando la libertà che, pur non essendo mai scomparsa come condizione dell'agire individuale, è divenuta il modo nel quale l'uomo alienato deve vivere a perpetuità il suo carcere e finalmente la sola maniera che egli abbia di scoprire la necessità delle sue alienazioni e delle sue impotenze, secondo me non ha capito una mazza"

(translation)

"Look Zizou, when Sartre proposes to restore intersubjective dialectization, thus resuscitating freedom, which, even if it has never disappeared as a condition of individual actions, has become the way in which the alienated human being must live his prison forever, and finally the only way that he has to discover the necessity of his own alienations and impotencies...well, I think that he's talking bullshit"

Apparently the first rule of French football is if you're going to talk trash, you better damned well leave Jean-Paul Sartre out of it. Actually, what did go around seriously was that Zidane was sick of Materazzi grabbing his jersey, so he told him he could have it after the game if he wanted it so bad, which they both confirm, although Materazzi says Zidane said it in an arrogant way, justifying his own insulting retort. The unofficial story goes on to say that he called Zidane's (recently hospitalized) mother a terrorist whore, and further suggested that all arabs were dirty muslim terrorists. Somehow I don't think that's what I'd say to a legendarily short-tempered French arab player who's been thrown out of 14 games, sometimes for headbutting or stomping on opponents. The last time was actually IN GERMANY, for fuck's sake (Juventus v HSV in a Champions League game in Hamburg).

Zidane only says he shouldn't have done it with children watching, because he knows as a father how hard it is to teach children appropriate behavior and that media images of misbehavior like his just make it more difficult. He also confirmed that "hard words" were spoken about his mother and his sister to set him off, but didn't say what they were. Materazzi claims he didn't know what terrorist meant, which is usually how I pick my insults. Materazzi's Keanu-esque nickname "Matrix" never seemed more appropriate than when applied to a guy who got headbutted in the chest so hard he couldn't get up after using a word he didn't understand.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Creepy Bee Video

I was trying to look up some information on hornets, yellowjackets, and other wasps to help out Candy Man with the nests they keep building on his deck, and I came up with this really creepy video of 30 hornets taking on a nest of 30,000 bees.  Martin Sheen's narration was apparently inspired by his voice-over musings about Vietnam in Apocalypse Now, and the music really adds a dramatic tinge to the unfolding horror, but the weirdest thing is as the bees are mercilessly torn apart... well, there are human screams dubbed over the footage.  I found that odd anthropomorphic touch to be really, really creepy.  Now, between that video and all the Candy Man jokes I keep thinking of every time I talk to Paul living in the wasp-infested shadow of Cabrini Green, I keep expecting bees to fly up out of everything I touch.  Seriously, I'm too freaked out to even watch the Charlotte Sting (they have center who's like a young, estrogen-rich Arvydas Sabonis), and don't even even bring up Vitesse or Borussia Dortmund.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Let the Dog In

I've been at my parents' house for over an hour, and the neighbors' dog has been sitting outside their back door barking its head off waiting to be let in for the entire time. Apparently 3-inch thick glass on the windows to block the dog out was cheaper than a few hours of obedience school. I just thought I'd mention that. Don't get me started on the people across the alley from me who have a 3 foot square patch of artificial grass on their concrete porch so their dogs can piss and shit on it in full view of everybody.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Hollywood Hunger Strike

I read a brief mention of Susan Sarandon and Sean Penn going on a hunger strike in support of Cindy Sheehan, which initially really surprised me. Obviously those two have been vocally opposed to the war, so the issue wasn't a surprise, but a hunger strike is pretty serious business. While studying a film about the hunger strikers in the Maze in 1981, I got a detailed account of how the human body starts to break down without food. The damage done to the eyes and other organs is permanent, and significantly shortens the life of most hunger strikers. Bobby Sands died after 66 days, but well before that he and the other strikers in the Maze lost their eyesight, become delirious, unable to keep down water, and eventually went into comas as their bodies shut down. In other words, it isn't like that Simpsons episode where Homer gets up after not being on a hunger striker for weeks and eats the hot dog with southwestern toppings on it.

Given all that, I thought it was hard to believe that Susan Sarandon, Sean Penn, Willie Nelson, and Danny Glover were willing to sacrifice their bodies to the extent you have to before a hunger strike gets serious. I'll concede, Sean Penn seems nutty enough, maybe Willie looks at his drug-riddled 73-year old body and wants wants his onrushing death to mean something, and I'm sure Danny Glover doesn't have anything better to do. Since Susan Sarandon says she protests out of responsibility to her children, I think she might also find it irresponsible to tell them mommy has to protect their future by leaching all the nutrients out of her internal organs, deliriously and blindly vomiting on them when they visit her, and lapsing into a fatal coma to make a point to the press. In any case, of the 546 constitutional office holders, 544 don't have any influence over the war, and the other two only watch Fox News (who probably won't cover the story).

So fortunately, the initial report was misleading, and the hunger strikes won't interfere with production of "In Search of Captain Zero", "The Colossus", or "Be Kind Rewind". Apparently there will be a "rolling programme" [sic] of hunger protests, in which the actors will take turns abstaining from food for a day. So every day, there will be a single rich person abstaining from food, which I'm sure the president will find intolerable. I mean, he'll spend a whole day fretting about Susan Sarandon being inconvenienced, then he doesn't get any relief when her day ends because then Danny Glover will be uncomfortable somewhere. Until September 21st, International Peace Day, when they conclude their protest after less than three months. They couldn't even keep going until the midterm elections? Will the Minnesota DFL even have chosen
candidates for congress and the senate by then? I think I should find six people and have rotating food hours until Bastille Day. I'll start us off: I won't eat between 8 and 9, and 2 and 3, somebody will take between 9 and 10 and 3 and 4, and by July 14, I'm sure America will have rallied behind us.

One other note about hunger strikes, I find it amusing that the British government recently campaigned to get a name change for the street in Tehran where their embassy is located. Previously it honored former prime minister Winston Churchill, but in the 80s the Iranians renamed it after another former member of parliament... Bobby Sands (better known for his poetry and terrorism than his three week term in office). Iranian passport control officials apparently sometimes greet Irish tourists by raising a fist and saying "Bobby Sands, no food. Welcome to Iran."

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Brazil in the Last 4 World Cups

Just in case anybody else was keeping track of the Brazilian mystique, here's everybody they've beaten in the knock-out rounds of the last 4 World Cups*:

2nd Round Wins:
United States '94
Chile '98
Belgium '02
Ghana '06

Quarterfinal Wins:
Netherlands '94
Denmark '98
England '02

Semifinal Wins:
Sweden '94
Turkey '02

Final Wins:
Germany '02

Out of all those knock-out games, only the Dutch team from the '94 quarterfinals was a threat to win anything, but their best player also walked out during the tournament. There were a couple good draws in there that Brazil won on PKs, but that's against legendary penalty chokers Italy and Holland, not exactly dominating the sport. Adding the teams that lost to Brazil in the first round but went on to the knock-out rounds, since they would arguably be of the same caliber:

1st Round:
Turkey '02
Australia '06

I'm just saying, those quarterfinal wins were all solid, but even I was surprised to look back and see how many tomato cans their wins came against. And even then, a lot of those involved close scrapes and dodgy refereeing, I mean the ref apologized to Marc Wilmots for screwing him after one of those games. I would say against teams who went into the World Cup looking to win, Brazil went 1-2-2, so I'm taking the field again in 2010. (I didn't count Germany and England in 2002, both could have been eliminated in the first round without anyone raising an eyebrow that year.)

*-Nobody's even reading this, much less keeping track, but allow me my delusions. Some days the only thing that keeps the loneliness from driving me insane is my close relationship with my collection of singing potatoes.

France v Portugal

Just to clarify, no matter what ESPN says, there is no magazine called El Equipe in France and there was also nobody named Em Jacquet in the stadium. There is a magazine called L'Equipe, who once printed an apology to Aime Jacquet after they ripped him and he won the World Cup.

God I love fucking France. Actually I love anybody who takes out Portugal so I don't have to watch them try to flop their way to a win. Seriously, my fucking god does Cristiano Ronaldo go down more easily than an East Dubuque stripper with a $20 bill in her hand. I've never seen dives so obvious go unpunished, either, when he's out of position and can't make a play on the ball, so he runs up to somebody and tries to fall against them. The play where Nuno Valented megged a defender on the edge of the box and sent a pass through but missed Ronaldo and Postiga, upon which they both fell over at the same time was priceless, especially since the French defenders were moving away from them.

What makes it funnier is France scored on a penalty, when Thierry Henry just inside the box faked a Portuguese defender out so badly the guy fell down backwards, but took a desperate flail at the ball after Henry had already moved it away to set up his next move. Henry took a crack on the shin as he turned to pursue his ball, which really only hindered him slightly, but he hit the ground arms windmilling. He clearly made a meal of it when he went down, but it was a foul clear as day. Zidane did his funky hook shot where he faces right and whips his leg around to send the ball left, perfectly placed inside the post. Ricardo read it perfectly, but couldn't get to it. I'm actually tremendously impressed with Ricardo, I assume he'll be catching a train to Spain this fall, since he's listed as playing for Sporting in Portugal.

Given that penalty, Portugal figured they'd try their luck, and a few minutes later, Cristiano Ronaldo couldn't get to a cross so he put his hands up and takes the most theatrical dive I've ever seen, running in with his his hands up and jumping as high as he can when he gets near a defender, letting his body go limp at the apex of his flight, descending like tragic Icarus into the sea. If there hadn't been a cross going over his head, the guy would have been carded for diving, so he came out of it fairly fortunate. This didn't stop the Portuguese bench from going nuts, mobbing the 4th official, and throwing a water bottle onto the field. Seriously, they conduct themselves like animals, and Cristiano Ronaldo has such a reputation now that he misses as many legitimate calls as he gets, and I think the Dutch didn't just hammer him because they knew he'd dive anyways. It only infuriates me because the guy is seriously so fucking talented.

France certainly kept it nightmarishly close as only France can do. When Cristiano Ronaldo dove for a free kick in the 78th minute, his shot went right to Barthez, who scooped it straight up in the air. That almost led to the equalizer, but Luis Figo headed the ball over the bar. Injury time took a year off my life as the Portuguese were relentlessly pounding away at the French goal. Even Ricardo came all the way up for that, taking bicycle kicks outside the box to keep Portugal's attack alive, and that guy handles the ball well for a keeper.

Zinedine Zidane has said he's retiring from club and country after the World Cup, and is certainly playing every game like it's his last. Tonight he was incredible in maintaining possession, which is really the thing that's really freaky about him. He can play keep-away with 3-4 players from one of the world's best teams, and it's like a 6'5" man holding a ball over his head to keep it away from 7 year old kids, nobody's even got a chance at getting it from him. At one point he just casually stood and stared down the entire Portuguese back line, like "You guys know better to even try, huh?" The final is going to be an absolute hell of a game.

It was nice to see a fairly physical game with some nastiness and diving end with one nice image of sportsmanship, when the captains, Zidane and Figo, exchanged armbands and jerseys. Those two are wily old veterans, both just fantastic to watch in their prime, and it was cool to see Zidane celebrating with his French teammates with Luis Figo's jersey on. Plus I will say this for Portugal, that is a cool color for a jersey, and that color looks great on the Italian keepers as well. The 3rd place game may be pretty good, since usually in these tournaments it's somebody talented who could basically give a flying fuck about 3rd place against some smaller team that gets a lot of pride from 3rd place, like Holland v Croatia in '98, so the small team wins. Germany will be playing at home, and Portugal still may have enough to prove that taking down Germany in Stuttgart would be good.

I'm so totally going into withdrawal once this is over, it's not going to be pretty.

France 1-0 Portugal
'33 Zidane (pen)

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Germany v Italy

Fuck the game, I can't believe the goals! I have over the years ripped on the Italians for being so afraid of losing they couldn't beat a decent team unless their opponent choked the game away (like Holland in the Euro2000 semifinal), but my god they came out firing in extra time, and kept it up until the end. These Italians are much more aggressive than in previous years when they had the 5-3-1-1 going, and still so far nobody's scored on them but themselves. Anyways, a game with 2 minutes left in extra time with the dream match-up of the notoriously nervous penalty takers who choke games away, versus the German penalty machine that never misses, and for once the Italians decided not to go out like that.

The first goal started with a shot by Andrea Pirlo, taking a ball out of the air 30 yards out he settles and takes off, leaving a turning around behind him trying to figure out where he went, gets some room, and as Mertesacker tries to run with him to deny the clear shot, Pirlo cuts his shot back behind Mertesacker from 25 yards out, with enough power and height on it that Lehmann has to punch it out for a corner. Del Piero takes the corner, which was headed down and out of the box to Pirlo, who moved right and as defenders came his way and forgot about Fabio Grosso, Pirlo without looking up knocks a gentle ball into the box to him. A wide open Grosso takes the far post shot, out in front of the defenders who try to get in his way, but taking a nasty bend inside the post. There's like two defenders and the keeper on a straight line between him and the goal, and his shot goes just around them and then changes course into the goal. Just fucking evil, I tell you.

As all the Germans come forward, the Italians do what they do best, clear a long shot up into the air, and as Podolski tries to settle it, Cannavaro leaps in to head it forward, for the counter. Gilardino takes it in one on one with a German defender moving right across the top of the box, then cheekily cuts it back with a move that looks like he shouldn't be able to turn his ankle that way for Alessandro del Piero coming in behind him, and Del Piero takes the perfect shot over Lehmann into the far corner.

For most of this game the Italians were creating the better chances, even though they were few and far between and weren't getting much for it, while the Germans were settling for long shots by Ballack from 30 yards out. Podolski and Klose were pretty invisible for most of the game, hooking up with Ballack only a couple times in 2 hours. Pretty tough stuff defensively, but not the complete catenaccio defensive bullshit the Italians used to sit back with. When they came out for extra time the Italians really put some heart-stopping shots, like Gilardino going to the endline, and as a defender tried to close, cutting upfield and letting the guy run past him, then as Lehmann leans back to cover the far post, Gilardino bangs it in front of him, but off the post like a hammer. That was such a fucking awesome "We've forgotten more about this game than you ever knew" moment, making the Germans look so clumsy, I enjoyed it immensely. Seriously, shit like that is why I love watching France, the head down, ankle-breaking "it's hard work making you look this bad" playground moves. I just thought the Italians showed some fucking style is all.

Going completely backwards, the first half highlight for me was Francesco Totti running for a ball, only to have Michael Ballack get there first and instead of playing the ball, step over it so he could shield it from Totti and put a shoulder to him. Ballack realizes Totti's coming at him like a freight train and ducks down a bit, and Totti figuring he can squeeze a foul out of the wedge Ballack has made out of his body, jumps and rolls over Ballack's back, arms flailing, like he's been sent flying, and lands hard and stays down. The ref called a foul because of Ballack was so obviously playing to put a hit on Totti, not a foot to the ball. When Totti stays down, the ref came over and sarcastically started gesturing for him to get up and quit acting hurt to lobby for a yellow card, and even Totti looked like he was about to crack a smile at his own theatrics.

Italy advances to the World Cup Final, Germany to the 3rd place game, which they will almost certainly win, since the team with the most to prove always wins, and Germany will be playing in front of home fans.

Italy 2-0 Germany
'119 Grosso
'121+ Del Piero

France v Brazil

The last time these teams met in the World Cup, Zinedine Zidane took Brazil down to Chinatown, and honestly today wasn't a whole lot different. It wasn't the 3-0 anal probe the French gave them in Paris, but this does mean that in four World Cups, the only team to eliminate Brazil was France. I will be ranting more about Brazil because of all the tongues up their asses worldwide, but I'll do that once I take another look at previous World Cups. France is kind of the nightmare opponent for Brazil though, since they aren't intimidated, can match them in depth and experience, and have the star power to get calls, unlike most of Brazil's opponents (cough cough Belgium).

Brazil didn't really show much firepower in this game until the final minutes, and even then it was sparked by Ronaldo's blatant dive, falling over the grass in front of Lilian Thuram, who got the most ridiculous yellow card awarded in this tournament. I seriously thought it was on Ronaldo for diving until I saw Thuram arguing. The beautiful free kick over the bar by Ronaldinho just proves that cheaters never win, and that will be the last contribution of Ronaldo to World Cup soccer, since he's already too fat and slow at age 29. Actually maybe the yellow card that Kaka got up and demanded the ref give to Sagnol was more silly, because it reinforces the fall down then prissily mime waving the card gesture that's catching on in Europe right now.

For a lot of this game, France was really wreaking havoc on Brazil's defense, catching them in a completely disorganized state. Franck Ribery made some nice runs getting way behind their defense like the speedy little motherfucker he is, and Henry continued his usual run of offside calls. Brazil didn't have much by way of creativity on the offensive end, and France at their best in the last decade has had a curious ability to, when it looks like they're fucked, still stifle attacks and come up with clearances under pressure with a Gallic shrug. One image that will stick with me is Ronaldinho trying to maintain possession and find something to do with the ball while an immense Patrick Vieira was up against him stifling his every move and blocking out the sun.

France's goal was nice, a free kick taken by Zidane on the left, crossed all the way across the box, way over the crowd in the penalty area and everybody who rose up for it, finally dropping at the far post. There an unmarked Thierry Henry jumped up for it and kicked it into the roof of the net, up over Dida coming back across his goal. And then cocked his beret and blew smoke in Dida's face.

I knew France would castrate Brazil if they didn't blow it first. France plays Portugal in the semi-finals.

France 1-0
'57 Henry

England v Portugal

Given my vast experience with the international game at the highest levels, I feel qualified to question England's tactics. Supposedly today they were supposed to play at a higher level because Gary Neville would be returning at right back. He had a long-standing partnership with David Beckham on the right for Manchester United, and for that reason Beckham has always pushed for Neville to start for England and usually gotten his wish. The two of them used to overlap well, and Neville comes pretty far forward, which Beckham couldn't do this World Cup since he's past it and can't get beat anybody on the dribble, or get behind anybody off the ball either. Instead of bringing out his best, Becks was just invisible for most of the game, until he went out injured early in the second half.

Starting Beckham and Joe Cole on the wings, Lampard, Hargreaves, and Gerrard in central midfield, and Rooney alone up front meant arguably England was playing with 5 attacking midfielders and no strikers. Rooney's best touches were sending the ball forward into dangerous areas with nobody on the end of his passes, since he had no striker to play off of, Beckham can't get forward on the wings, and Gerrard and Lampard were trying to set Rooney up out of midfield. France plays a 4-5-1 but they have a scorer up front, they expect their wingers to come up and get on the back side of everything, and of the two defensive midfielders, Vieira comes forward out of midfield into the box to play off of the wingers, strikers, and playmaker. Consequently, they looked better when Aaron Lennon came in for Beckham because he's fast as hell and gets forward.

I came into this game wishing there was a way they could both lose, because I hate watching these teams. England's over-stimulated, energetic style means that when they come up against a team with speed and control, England are just out of control. Portuguese players have speed but can stop on a dime and can hook up on short, controlled passes in a confined area, so against this, England players get all fired up to chase somebody down and then slam into him when he stops makes an unexpected pass. Combine that with the Portuguese penchant for diving and cheap shots, and the game gets a bit rough. In my opinion, Cristiano Ronaldo's reputation cost him some calls, since he has such a reputation for diving and whining. In general this game was pretty flat, with very few really good chances created.

Of course, England never goes out because they lost to a better team, there's always some freak stroke of bad luck that costs them the trophy. There was Beckham's red card ('98), Ronaldinho's 'lucky' goal ('02), the hand of god ('86), the piece of sod that moved ('04), or at worst, some minor tactical decision like their formation was a bit off ('00). Fortunately they have two "if onlys" for this tournament, Beckham's injury and Rooney's red card. Ignore the fact that Beckham was totally useless for most of the tournament, and just assume he would have had the winning goal in the 83rd minute off a free kick taken by Frank Lampard in his absence, despite scoring only one free kick goal for England in the last 3 years.

Rooney was carded after three consecutive offenses, but really going after somebody's balls twice isn't the mark of a classy guy. After the whistle blew Cristiano Ronaldo came over to check on his teammate's testicles, and Rooney, who was in serious risk of being tossed, decided to make it official by shoving Ronaldo. Two more guys came in to join the argument with the ref, and both paused to give Ronaldo an extra shove. I hate that little bastard, but seriously what a total lack of class, which wouldn't bother me so much if it wasn't coming from guys who constantly whine about how the rest of the world doesn't hold to the same honorable standard they do, and having 28 TV cameras on them kind of proves what a joke that is. Enough already, I'm even sick of complaining about it, much less watching it. (I have so many complaints about the inferiority of this world, and so little time to address it all.)

For their part, Portugal are dive-happy, classless cheap shot artists and Figo shouldn't have been on the field after his head-butt against Holland. Hugo Vianna got poked in the eye going for a ball, but sucked it up and kept fighting for the ball. He kept possession, and kept his feet until England took the ball back and started a rare fast counter-attack. Then suddenly his eye started bothering him again and he grabbed his face and fell over, meaning a sportsmanlike team would put the ball out of play so he could get treatment. England didn't buy his sudden relapse and ignored him. This whole tactic of stopping the game through fouling (Germany) or fake injury (Portugal) to get a chance to kill counterattacks and reorganize your defense is really starting to be a problem. Portugal has showed flashes of brilliance on their goals, but I've really not enjoyed watching them this tournament.

I was definitely impressed with Aaron Lennon, both for his play and for showing some class in a game that needed it. He went down in the box after a slide tackle by a Portuguese defender, killing one of England's best chances. The largely pro-England crowd went nuts, which is what I would do since it really looked like a penalty in real time. At the next stoppage in play a few seconds later, Owen Hargreaves got in the referee's face about it and got a yellow card for dissent, which is pretty poor sportsmanship. The only guy in an England shirt who didn't raise his arms and act as if he'd been robbed was Lennon, who just got up and ran back downfield. Lennon knew he hadn't been fouled, and the replay showed it was a clean tackle, so good for him, showing some sportsmanship with a whole generation of kids looking at him to know how they're supposed to act on the field. Lennon was later subbed out for Jamie Carragher, anticipating a penalty shoot-out, which turned out to be not such a brilliant game-winning decision.

On PKs, England just sucked, which is about par for the course. The other legendary horrible on PK teams are Italy and Holland, and the Dutch claim it's because they don't practice them because they think it's all down to luck and not skill. Sven-Goran Eriksson says England practice them constantly, but they're still 1-6 all-time to Holland's 0-5. The gold standard is Germany, who as a nation is around 90%, including their youth teams, women's teams, etc.

Anyways, 4 of the 5 Portuguese penalty takers faked out Paul Robinson by changing direction or hesitating to leave him flatfooted, even though Vianna put his off the post. Petit took a wide shot trying to get it past Robinson, who read that one all the way, so Portugal made 3 of the 5 they took. Cristiano Ronaldo, like the prissy little brat he is, did a double hesitation to force Robinson into just guessing, and then put it in the upper corner beyond reach while sending Robinson the other way anyways, so it was basically perfect, and that was the last kick that clinched it for Portugal.

England was a disaster, Ricardo read all four of their shots, and was only beaten by Hargreaves. Ricardo got a hand to that one, but Hargreaves had too much power on it for Ricardo to even slow it down. Lampard, who'd been taking crap shots all tournament, did the I'm too cool for school slow jog and then took a weak shot well within Ricardo's reach with no misdirection, basically a shot that would only work if Ricardo just chose to dive the wrong way, which he didn't do. Gerrard took a better shot, higher up with a lot more on it (like Hargreaves) which would have worked if he could have frozen Ricardo for a split second, but he just ran up and plunked it. I think they just played it expecting that half the time the keeper would dive the wrong way, so you just put the shot on target, expect 2-3 to go in for each team, and hope that the lucky break goes your way. The standard of English goalkeeping has plummeted in the last decade relative to the rest of the world, so this is probably how English keepers play it, figuring it's a 50/50 chance with no skill involved.

The one exception was Jamie Carragher, who came in specifically to take a PK, and thought he'd be tricky by walking back from placing the ball all slowly, and then whirl and run back to take it quickly, to get Ricardo out of his rhythm. Ricardo didn't even bother to go for it, and just stood there with his hands up looking at the ref while the ball went into the net. Because you can't take your shot until the ref blows his whistle. Carragher could potentially have gotten a yellow card for that, and had to go back and retake his kick. The second time he tried to hesitate so he could change direction while Ricardo dove the wrong way. Unfortunately, when Carragher pulled out of his fake kick, turned his body the other way, and looked up to take the kick, Ricardo was on his feet ready for it, and now knew exactly where it was going. I see why he would be England's secret weapon on penalties, since he seemed to be the only guy who figured out Ricardo was going to read their hips to know which way to dive, not just flop over whichever way he felt like.

Portugal reaches the semi-finals for the first time since England'66, where they will play France.

Portugal* 0-0 England
(3-1)
Red Card: Rooney ('62)

Friday, June 30, 2006

Italy v Ukraine

This game was nowhere near as lopsided as the score might imply, although Italy did clearly outclass the Ukraine. Even hanging with Italy after giving up an early goal is difficult, and the Ukraine took a couple really nice chances in the second half, but couldn't catch a break.

The perfect one touch passes on the give and go for the Italians were really fucking nice. Italy's first goal, came through that, when Zambrotta passed the ball forward and cut around a Ukrainian midfielder, and his teammate's first touch sent it right back to him, a few feet farther upfield with space to run. Zambrotta took a shot from the no-man's-land between midfield and the Ukraine's back line. A defender hesitated the came out and jumped to block the far post shot, and Zambrotta instead fired it along the ground between his legs, just inside the near post, with the keeper out of position and screened by his own defender.

I also liked the creativity on the set pieces from Italy, cracking out the goofier stuff. On a free kick facing a wall, Grosso sets up to take the kick, but leaves it for Pirlo and cuts around the wall, and Pirlo chips it to him behind the wall, while the Ukraine's trying to figure out what's going on. It was cleared, but still amusing to watch. Italy's second goal came off a short corner, and a cross by Francesco Totti to Luca Toni. Toni scored Italy's third as well from a run by Zambrotta, splitting two defenders on the left side and pulling the whole D his way, but they couldn't slow him down until the keeper came over and Zambrotta passed across the goal mouth for Toni to tap in.

Mauro Camoranesi, for no apparent reason sporting a samurai topknot, was unlucky to not have a bigger day. In the third minute he made a run up the middle where everybody looked like they were in slow motion trying to close him down, taking the first shot of the game but missing. In the second half he made a similar run out of midfield, but holding the ball up just inside the box he collided knee to knee with a Ukrainian defender after passing the ball off to Perotta. Camoranesi went down, and should have won a penalty for that foul, but got no call, leading to him gesturing to his knee when the ref finally came over to find out why he couldn't get up. Perotta would have had a nice shot too, if he hadn't given up on the play waving his arms for the foul. The Italian reputation for diving probably cost them that penalty, and also caused problems when Gianluigi Buffon conked his head on the post making a save and couldn't get set for the resulting corner kick, clearly having to explain to the ref he really had something wrong with him and wasn't just time-wasting.

I knew it was all over though once the only player to crack Italy's defense came on the field... Cristian Zaccardo, who put one in his own goal against the United States. Seriously, the only goal Buffon has allowed was from his own defender, and Italy is really rolling, they have a serious shot at a fourth star on their jerseys. I would also note that there is no player named Barzoggley, and anytime ESPN wants to stop pronouncing Andrea Barzagli's name that way would be just fine.

Italy 3-0 Ukraine
'6 Zambrotta
'59 Toni
'69 Toni

Italy plays Germany in the semi-final in Dortmund.

Germany v Argentina

Maybe it's just me but I was a little surprised by the unimaginative play by Argentina in the last third today. A lot of lobs over the top, when that was playing to Germany's strength, while the speed and controlled passing Argentina showed in earlier games could really have showed them up. Carlos Tevez said it best when asked if he was apprehensive about facing 6'4" and 6'5" defenders, and he said he wouldn't want to fight them, but he liked his chances playing football against them. I really barely remember the goals now, this was a good game, just not that memorable a few hours later for some reason. Possibly because I've seen 50 World Cup games in the last three weeks, and this was #49. Probably also because Argentina peaked so early, while Germany, Italy, and France are starting to roll. Anyways, Germany remains eternally unstoppable when it comes to penalty kicks, Jens Lehmann read them all right even if he didn't get to two of them, and Germany didn't miss.

Germany* 1-1 Argentina
'49 Ayala
'80 Klose

Germany wins 4-2 on penalty kicks, and faces Italy in the semifinals.

Trains in Minnesota

Finally the Northstar Line to St. Cloud is being built, so we can quit planning more and more lanes to I94 and budgeting more EMTs and ambulances to deal with the car accidents. However, let's remember the conservative principles that highway funding is not a public subsidy to drivers, nor is it central planning, and denial is just a river in Egypt. So theoretically by 2010, there should be around N 3rd ave and 5th st a commuter rail stop and a major league ballpark. Which makes me wonder, what will happen with light rail? Here's my pessimistic guess.

The Hiawatha line will still end at 1st ave, and everybody will have to traipse through the gigantic pile of pigeon shit under the skyway on 2nd. Connecting the 5th St garage that's a main hub for buses downtown, the commuter rail line, and the stadium to light rail will not occur to anyone as a cheap increase in the utility of the line. At best, the train would probably still cruise by the bus garage, since it's conveniently located halfway in between 1st ave and the new stadium site, so it's not really worth another stop on a train that already has to wait for red lights, because the traffic crossing 5th st was somehow unable to cross between trains that are several minutes apart.

The proposed University Ave line will continue to block any other development because we have to do University Ave before connecting Uptown, St. Louis Park or the western suburbs, any part of The Corridor, Eat Street, any part of Lake St besides a highway overpass surrounded by big box parking lots (seriously, it's all so set up for car traffic and parking that it's a hike to even get to a store from that station). Personally I was holding out for the Energy Park Drive line to Midway Stadium that would potentially revitalize Bandana Square. I don't have a huge problem with University, but apparently businesses are fighting it, which is odd since it isn't exactly high class businesses on that street (maybe around Fairview), but it's another route that connects endpoints but has nothing in between other than big boxes behind giant parking lots past Snelling.

Here's one thing that makes sense (even if it's probably not feasible), having it follow the #16 route down University, then down Washington across the bridge through the UofM campuses, and finally merging with the Hiawatha line at the Metrodome stop. That would mean more trains on the downtown segments, which would be nice if it's extended farther, and the U would get proper service, plus the lines hook up easily. I don't know that you could actually put trains on the Washington Ave bridge or block traffic on Washington through Stadium Village and the U.

So here's another suggestion, keep it going on University, have a stop at the Dinkydome, and then have it turn right on Hennepin, and go over the bridge down Hennepin to Loring Park, MCTC, and the Basilica. Even better, keep it going down Hennepin or Lyndale through Uptown. And then farther south where it could cut over to the Mall of America and Hiawatha line behind all the businesses on 494. That would probably be too much, but connecting lines farther out has some benefits in avoiding the hub and spoke system that adds miles to rail travel in older systems. Anyways, going as far as Lake in Uptown down a major street would go through dense business and residential neighborhoods. Going as far as Loring Park or the Sculpture Garden at least extends transit to the edge of downtown. What seems like an absolute minimum is getting as far as 5th and the Hiawatha line. Which is why I think that won't happen (too much disruption for the Jaguar dealership).

So here's another proposal, down University, past Hennepin, to the railroad tracks that run north of 3rd, and connecting with the Hiawatha line north of the Twins Stadium. Properly executed, the lines could be unified there and one single train would run from downtown St Paul to the airport. Not that anybody would take that the whole way, since it would take like 9 hours, but the continuous service between stations along the way would be nice if that sort of route happened. Actually that's the route the Northstar line is supposed to take into downtown. That wouldn't be nearly difficult enough for passengers, though. Nor would my other proposal, having the University line turn left at Central, go through town on 3rd Ave, meeting the Hiawatha line at City Hall, potentially even leaving downtown on the south side via Nicollet, to allow somebody to fly into the cities, eat at Little Tiajuana's, and fly out again traveling only by rail.

So what will actually happen of course is it will stop at Hennepin and University, and you'll have to catch a bus across the bridge to downtown, because it would save money to not redesign a bridge or build a new one. Yeah, I'm a pessimist, but I prefer pleasant surprises to the unpleasant ones the optimists get.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

%@&#'ing Financial World Needs to Shut Up

Okay, now I've just had it with these people. Reading Tuesday's Financial Times wednesday morning (once a week my paper's a day late, today they outdid themselves by not giving me the Wednesday paper, which should have been an omen it was going to contain some extra stupid articles) they had the periodic fit of lunacy that passes for Simon Kuper's football coverage. Seriously I could take everything written on the subject across all media, then take the most superficial, jingoistic, ignorant, straight-from-somebody's-publicist material, write a brief summary with no fact checking, and come up with Simon Kuper's column. Actually I couldn't, because even without having an intern check it out, I would have already known not to reprint the Nostradamus thing.

His column from Tuesday is mainly raving about how Spain was going to beat France, because a) they're young, b) they blew through their group, c) they have Raul, d) Nostradamus predicted it. If I wasn't sure of his background, his argument that Spanish players ran about twice as far as French players in their first round games kind of proves he's English, because running hard, being able to boot the ball the farthest, jump the highest and hit the hardest are heavily valued in two places, the US and England. Generally, soccer is seen in a lot of the world as perhaps the only game where the primary requirement is being good at the game, not any physical requirements, in contrast to basketball where a phenomenal 6'4" post player really can't cut it at the top level no matter how well he plays.

As far as Spain blowing through their first round group, did this guy not see who was in it? Yeah, Spain won playing their reserves against an already eliminated Saudi Arabia team, and they jumped up and down on WC debutantes Ukraine in their first game, which was actually impressive. However, they struggled with Tunisia when it was time to put the group away, and Spain is legendary for being good in qualifying, getting seeded, doing well in group games and then collapsing under pressure. France has actually won a World Cup and two Euros (Spain won the first one when nobody knew if it would take off), and the pedigree of France's players is way beyond Spain's. Which brings me to point c, Raul. He's legendary for disappearing in big games for Real Madrid and Spain, and when Zidane went to Real Madrid, you never heard Raul's name mentioned again. The guy was benched by Spain's coach before this tournament, for god's sake, even getting on the field is an accomplishment for him. I seriously have no idea how somebody could take those three factors against Spain's history and France's players, and decide Spanish victory was not just likely, but inevitable. France winning was an upset, but not exactly a surprise. I'm not even knocking Spain, they played well and fooled a lot of... well, the same amount of people they always do into thinking this was the year they would do well in the knock-out rounds. Rotten luck getting France, they might have pummeled Switzerland, looking at how well they broke down Ukraine.

If none of this was stupid enough, the jocular reference to Nostradamus should have done it. Here is the relevant text:

When 2006 is six months over the King of Spain crosses the Pyrenees with his army.
Belzebu's legions await battle in the plains of Central Europe.
Destruction and defeat fall upon the evil ones.
The Holy Grail returns with the triumphant King to Hispania.

This quatrain was actually posted on rec.sport.soccer in November by a guy having a laugh. He's now killing himself laughing that mainstream media in multiple languages have gotten ahold of his and are taking it seriously. Seriously, nobody had an intern with web access who could have looked this up at Project Gutenberg or something? Or even tracked down the original reference on usenet, where the author clearly states he made it up as a joke?

More on this developing topic once I've read ABN-AMRO's report on the World Cup.

Quarterfinals Preview

Germany v Argentina

I'm hoping for a great game out of this one, and the first real test for Germany, who haven't convinced me yet that they're any better than any other host country on a roll. Personally I doubt that Germany's defenders are up to the task of handling Argentina, since they looked achingly slow against Costa Rica and nearly blew it against Poland. Ecuador and Sweden really looked like they were still sleeping off the pan of lasagna and a case of peppermint schnapps the Germans sent over the night before the game, so it's been smooth sailing for two games. Argentina on the other hand may have taken the foot off the gas against Holland, but they got a scare from Mexico to get them going full speed, and they look hungry (lasagna is being served after the final).

Italy v Ukraine

When Ukraine met a destructive, defensive team in Switzerland, that was a horrendously boring game that they only won by virtue of Switzerland's ineptitude at penalties. Italy has some attacking flair when they choose to use it, but "defense tighter than a duck's ass, rotten at penalties" is like the write-up of every Italian team but the team that won in Spain in '82. I would expect better from Italy than Switzerland, at least.

England v Portugal

No matter how the game ends, the losers are football fans everywhere with internet access, because apparently the biggest lunatics on the internet are all from Portugal or England, and they were already insufferable days before the game. England has played like shit but won, Portugal has had flashes of brilliance but looked really vulnerable and played dirty as hell, so really, if they could both lose and be replaced by a team of all-stars from the last place finishers from every group, that would be an improvement.

Brazil v France

I think this game is going to be epic. That's all I can say, epic. And if I go out of town for the 4th of July, Paul will ruin it by telling me the score.

Now that the whole second round is complete, here are the Golden Boot
contenders:

Klose (GER) 4
Crespo (ARG) 3
Rodriguez (ARG) 3
Ronaldo (BRA) 3
Podolski (GER) 3
6 with 2

(This list does not include anybody who can no longer pass Klose like
Fernando Torres and David Villa.)

France v Spain

This game is being held under the somewhat hyped up controversy of Luis Aragones' racist remarks about France star Thierry Henry. I'm not defending Aragones, and I think he probably has to be a bit of a moron considering the circumstances, but his remarks are now two years in the past. I say he has to be a moron for referring to Henry as "that black shit" in front of TV cameras, when following the game one of his players had to go back to London, where he and Henry are teammates. Now, two guys on the Spanish squad play for Arsenal, so it's triply dumb to talk like that in front of them, in front of cameras, and pretty much just in general, so that's why I say he has to be a few squids short of a paella. Of course now when Henry does work against racism in football now he has a televised incident to point to, thanks to Aragones.

This and other incidents really do point to a generation of important people in football that really needs to be put on an ice floe and pushed out to sea, as modern society and the game pass them by. Van Basten and Klinsmann had it right dumping over the hill legends with attitude problems, and Arena and Domenech might have done better not to lean on past-it guys who played in previous World Cups. I'd like to get rid of more people, like the players from the 1990 US team who keep moaning on TV about how in their day kicking the other team's best player in the kneecap 30 seconds after the game starts was just good strategy. I know the brighter stars of English sporting journalism have said the same about using the 1950's British style as a basis for analysis, with the result being that English managers can't cut it even in England. Seriously, the closest they've got is like one Scotsman who's about to retire, and if you don't believe me, google for the pessimism of England fans regarding their new boss, Steve McLaren. Case in point, Rooney looks like he could play a much more sophisticated, controlled game as a mezzapunta behind either a speedster or a centre-forward, so they played him up front on his own against Ecuador. But he's the spearhead of a generation that can play a different style and will coach a different style. In my opinion, anyways.

On a related note, there's a lot of concern over France's rigid adherence to a 4-5-1 with two defensive midfielders and a playmaker, especially since they have basically one classic playmaker left, and he doesn't do anything else like tackle or run. They looked a lot sharper without Zidane against Togo, but to be fair, Togo's a slightly easier nut to crack than Switzerland. Keeping Zidane on the field also means benching David Trezeguet, a guy who compliments Henry's wide roaming really well and has scored a bucketful of goals for France.

Now with all that pre-match moaning out of the way, here's what actually happened. Frank Ribery played a fantastic game, coming through in a way he hadn't up to this point, and Zidane was really a force as a playmaker, and considering the number of offside calls for France, his awareness of who was on and off and ability to hold the ball up waiting for better timing probably helped France out a lot. Henry spent the whole game way up front, and Spanish defenders were letting him get out there then moving up to put him offside, and Henry would stay there. His tactic for the day was to let the defenders count him out as offside, drift so he'd have space and they couldn't catch him, then jump back even with the defenders when the pass was made, and take off like the speedy little motherfucker that he is. The linesman was evidently in serious disagreement about his sense of timing, though, and Henry got about 80 offside calls.

Spain took an early lead on a really tight call, where Patrick Vieira came up a bit slow on a challenge on Pablo, and got to him as Pablo turned and shielded he ball from him. Vieira held up, but stepped on Pablo's foot, sort of, a bit, you know, barely, but in a game that was being called tight, it was a penalty. No card though, thank god, since it was neither reckless nor intentional. David Villa easily converted the penalty with a pretty nice shot, just inside the left post where Barthez had no chance. This World Cup has been low-scoring and stable, with no real come from behind wins except Australia against Japan, but if anybody was going to do it, it would have to be France, who never seem to care what the score is. I really couldn't believe France hadn't scored a bit before that, when Ribery burned the whole defense and then squared the ball across the goal, and Vieira just barely missed getting a foot to the ball to put it in, so I figured they'd come back.

In the 41st minute, Ribery streaked between two defenders chasing a ball sent through by Vieira, and drifted left as Iker Casillas came out of goal to meet him, dribbled around Casillas and went far post. Both defenders had given up on chasing him and headed for the goal when Casillas came out, and Ribery's shot went tantalizingly close in front of them, which has got to be the ultimate French goal, "I put zee ball past your feet so zat zere can be no question zat it is I who 'ave beaten you." Also classic was Henry, way offside on the far side of the field when Vieira made his pass, stopping hard, putting his hands up to indicate he wasn't pursuing the play, and gesturing to the linesman to keep his flag down, so Ribery's goal wouldn't be blown by Henry's passive offside position.

The big controversy of this game was definitely when Thierry Henry suffered a severe facial injury from Carlos Puyol's left arm brushing his chest. Apparently there are some significant nerve clusters very close together that sometimes cause Henry's face to hurt when somebody hits his chest, it's all very technical. As much of an Henry fan as I am (and I'm not even saying there wasn't contact) that was a Cesar winning performance. It was a long free kick, taken by Zidane, deflected to the back post where Patrick Vieira headed it down just in front of the line, and the downward header and resulting bounce up into the goal were too hard for Casillas to get to, and France went up 2-1.

In injury time a surprisingly deft one-touch pass by Sylvain Wiltord (described by Arsenal fans as having the first touch of a rapist) went to Zinedine Zidane coming in from the left. Zidane faked Carlos Puyol out of his boots, and as Zidane went around Puyol he made like he was going far post with his shot, and Casillas played the shot that way, setting up a tough shot. Zidane instead hooked his right foot around the ball sufficiently to send it near post, and that was all she wrote. Wiltord was arguably offside in the box, right by Casillas, which could have been interpreted as screening the keeper or interfering with play, so that's two controversial goals for France, but also one for Spain, and that just leaves Ribery's "Ha Ha, stamp collection!" first half goal.

France will play Brazil in the quarterfinals, where I think all the lasagna obviously accumulating around Ronaldo's waist will be the decisive factor.

France 3-1 Spain
'27 David Villa (pen)
'41 Ribery
'83 Vieira
'92+ Zidane

Brazil v Ghana

I tend to be a bit uninterested in the green and yellow hype machine, and Brazil really didn't look too afraid in this game. Ronaldo has now passed Gerd Muller for the all-time record for goals scored in World Cup Finals with 15, so I wonder if Nike will make Brazil continue to start him. Incidentally, the record for most goals in a single World Cup is still held by Just Fontaine with 13 playing for France in the 1954 World Cup. I don't know, it wasn't a bad game, I just get so bored watching the lethargic way Brazil seems to be playing since everybody rolls over for them. I will say Kaka is pretty fucking good, to be playing on a team with Ronaldinho and still shining as a playmaker like he did today, setting up at least Brazil's first two goals.

The aging veterans on this team and the young guys trying to crack the line-up all seem to be going all out when they get a whiff of a chance at a goal, which really makes the two best players on this team, Kaka and Ronaldinho, stand out that much more for playing in midfield and making killer passes, with less talented guys yelling for more touches, like Cafu in this game having the nerve to bitch out Kaka for not giving him the ball back fast enough. I would think these guys could be vulnerable playing guys on reputation like Roberto Carlos, who didn't play a lot of defense when he was younger and isn't as dangerous with a dead ball anymore either.

Brazil 3-0 Ghana
'5 Ronaldo
'45 Adriano
'84 Ze Roberto

Brazil meets France in the quarterfinals.

Switzerland v Ukraine

Holy god what a boring game. Ten men behind the ball, wait to hit on the break football can be interesting when you played against France or Brazil or somebody who comes out of their shell own half, but a defensive battle of Immovable Object against Immovable Object, just two teams tentatively kicking the ball back and forth and seeing what happens, not nearly so much fun. I'm skipping straight ahead to the penalty kicks, since I think I fast-forwarded most of the way there anyways (at 2x initially, so I could still follow the action, then faster and faster as the game went on).

When great players take the first PK in a shootout, they always have to play a psychological card and act like this is so easy for them that they're mildly offended at having to even go through the formality, and nonchalantly show up the keeper. When Italy went to PKs against France in '98, Roberto Baggio and Zinedine Zidane led off for both teams the same way: a slow build-up and a hesitation in front of the ball to send the keeper the wrong way, then a soft finish, all looking like it's a day at the office. Granted it's difficult to tell Gallic indifference during penalties from their seeming indifference while moving at full speed during the game. "It eez just as Monsieur Sartre says, 'Ell is 'aving to play zee vootball avec zee unworthy opponents such as you. Ah oui, I score five goals on you now." Anyways, Andrii Shevchenko tried to lead off that way for Ukraine and er, didn't actually fool the keeper, who stood his ground and dove on the weak shot. Fortunately Andrii had a secret weapon: the Swiss.

The Swiss didn't make a single penalty shot, and the Ukraine players after Shevchenko really piled on the shame for them. Milevsky ran past the Swiss fans shushing them, and then Rebrov took a nonchalant chip shot after sending the keeper the wrong way, and Gusev sealed the deal, so Switzerland just went three up and three down.

This was the first game the day after all the criticism of the ref in the Holland-Portugal game, and the ref here just let them play. This I thought was a bit of a mistake, because the game just became more destructive and foul prone. Late in the game, about the time when somebody finally gets tired and makes a devastating mistake leading to a winning goal, this culminated in Andriy Voronin getting into what looked like an NFL running play, wrestling with two defenders at the top of the box, and I do mean wrestling. I'm not saying it should have even gone against the Swiss, just that the physicality basically turned into a brawl when the players knew no calls were coming from the ref, and that type of game turns into waiting for a goalmouth scramble to accidentally kick a ball in the goal, which is boring as hell, and why I never got into MLS (which I hear has mercifully improved).

Ukraine* 0-0 Switzerland
(3-0)

Ukraine advances to play Italy, which could be a great game or another snoozefest like this one, depending on if the Italians threaten to crack the Ukraine's defense and scare some life into the game, or if they'll be in the lasagna coma and thinking they'll make it to the semis on cruise control.

Italy v Australia

Okay, here's what I really have to say about this game. If Australia could have put anything away, they'd have advanced. But they didn't, they missed opportunity after opportunity, and that being the case they can't complain about the end result. The biggest blown opportunity was after Materazzi was given a straight red for taking down Mark Viduka with a clear path to goal. Australia didn't get anything off of the free kick, and didn't take advantage of being a man up early in the second half, sticking with Guus Hiddink's strategy of always waiting until late in the game to sub in attackers. And I mean it when I say, had Australia brought on a sub and scored, I would say Italy had no business blaming the loss on bad luck and Materazzi's red card, since Luca Toni certainly had his chances as well.

So here's the rest of the deal, in what had to be the final minute of the game, Fabio Grosso came into the Aussie penalty area down by the endline on the left side, and Lucas Neill basically dove into his path to stop him, but Grosso played the ball forward to his right, away from Neill. Neill made contact with neither player nor ball, but then Grosso rather than going around went over him, fell over, and was awarded a penalty kick. Many accusations have been made of blatant diving, and Grosso was probably expecting a foul when he jumped over Neill and certainly put on a performance to sell it. If you watch the replay that was shown on the world feed immediately afterwards, Neill clearly trips up Grosso's leg with his outstretched elbow, and throwing yourself on the ground in your opponent's path is more NFL cut block than Jogo Bonito. Anyways, Francesco Totti put the PK in the upper left hand corner with no chance whatsoever for Mark Schwarzer and that was it.

Italy advances to play Ukraine, who apparently hate being called The Ukraine.

Italy 1-0 Australia
'93 Totti (pen)

Red card: Materazzi ('50)