Argentina v Serbia & Montenegro

This was supposed to be the group of death, but it was more like the group of little death for Argentina today. (If you don't get that, crack a book once in a while.) To kick things off early, Argentina scored in the 6th minute on a series of passes culminating in a goal by Maxi Rodriguez. Tactically, an early goal against team that plays tough defense and counterattacks means you force them to come forward and open things up, so it's a huge advantage. In addition, on this goal... well, you know how in The Matrix when Trinity, Neo, and the Agents get going it's like they're moving on a completely different time frame from the normal people, who are unable to move and react with the same speed? That was basically what Argentina looked like today. I can't believe this is the same Serbian team that shut everybody out in qualifying, or for that matter, the same team Holland could barely break down last Sunday. (More on Arjen Robben's sabotage of Holland later.) The combinations in the box Argentina was pulling off really were nothing short of amazing, and based on these two games, I don't even know that they've gone full speed yet, so Holland is really in for it.

Just in case they weren't getting screwed enough, Mateja Kezman was sent off in the 65th minute by a ref trying to keep things from getting ugly, as a Serb team with nothing left to lose lashed out. Then again, this Argentine team could lose a lot of players without suffering a whole lot, they're insanely deep. They proved it today by bringing on Lionel Messi (making his WC debut at 18) and Carlos Tevez, who both scored. The game was over so early the ref ended the game without any extra time, despite several subs, just to get it over with.

The last appearance by a unified Serbia and Montenegro team (minus their star Kezman) is on Wednesday, vs Cote d'Ivoire.

Argentina 6-0 Serbia & Montenegro
'6 Rodriguez
'31 Cambiasso
'41 Rodriguez
'78 Crespo
'84 Tevez
'88 Messi

Red Card: Mateja Kezman '65

Sweden v Paraguay

Most of this game was another 90 minutes of Sweden being mystifyingly unable to put the ball in the back of the net. And this was after some brilliant looking stuff, especially from Zlatan Ibrahimovic. In this game, Ibrahimovic went off at halftime, which I really hope wasn't for a serious injury. I'm not much of a Sweden fan, but Ibrahimovic is a hell of a guy to watch. He was part of what looked like another cycle of superstar Ajax players like the ones in the mid-90s who won a European Cup then all fucked off to Italy and Spain, but the new generation all fucked off to Italy and Germany without winning anything. Lots of former Ajax players

But anyways, in the 89th minute, they finally got something to go in, and man was it ever a beautiful snowflake. Johan Elmander fired long cross to Marcus Allback on the far post. Allback, along with Ibrahimovic, had been coming incredibly close but getting nothing for 2 games, but he played a nice header back and to the far post, while the keeper scrambled back across his goal. Allback had Henrik Larsson on the far post with two defenders in front of him, but Allback sent the header farther back to a trailing Freddie Ljungberg, who went far post with a header, and scored Sweden's first goal of the tournament. Ljungberg has been a fixture and fan favorite for Arsenal because of his workrate, his ability to find those open spaces between defenders, and because he used to have this red mohawk.

Sweden 1-0 Paraguay
'89 Ljungberg

Hopefully this unclogs the goal-scoring spigot for Sweden, because a lot of people are looking forward to the England-Sweden game, and England has had enough crappy play rewarded by a fortunate defensive error so they can win without outplaying the opposition for one tournament. England is through to the second round, but can win the group with a win or draw. Sweden needs a win to take the group, a draw to clinch making the second round. Should Sweden lose, and Trinidad beats Paraguay, it's down to goal differential and goals scored, where in that event Sweden's current lead would become tenuous.

At stake in the second round is facing Germany at home in the second round, but it's Group of Death or Portugal in the quarters either way, so the only real difference beyond that point is whether you meet whichever European team is peaking in the semis or Brazil. So basically, avoiding Deutschland, depending on how they handle Ecuador.

Group B
Ingerland 6pts 3-0
Sweden 4pts 1-0
Trinidad 1pt 0-2
Paraguay 0pts 0-2 (eliminated)

England v Trinidad & Tobago

In their first games, England came out and looked like crap, no rhythm, not really meshing and needed a huge defensive error to get past Paraguay. Trinidad came out with a lot of energy, played over their heads, and down to 10 men hung on for a result against Sweden. I wanted to see another game to see how that would hold up, and in the first half it really did.

England's best scoring chance, and the horrid, horrid, dare I say horrid execution of it really says it all about their first half. In the 43rd minute, Steven Gerrard plays a cross to a wide-open, nobody near him, enough time to settle the ball, have a nice cup o' tea, put on an apron and bake some damn cookies before anybody got anywhere near him. So he instead tries this panicked side volley off his calf. His next big chance was an attempted bicycle kick in the 55th minute, with predictable results from a 6'7" Englishman who hunches over when he runs.

In the 45th minute, Paul Robinson came way, way out for a ball, but of course got nowhere near it. The ball got lobbed around the box until Stern John, fighting his way between two defenders put a header on target to the empty net. If John Terry hadn't thrown himself recklessly into the goal to clear it before landing with a nasty thud, this game might have ended quite differently. I think we may need the state department to work out a deal to trade a couple American keepers to England for an attacking midfielder.

In the second half, Michael "I had one great goal 8 years ago and I plan on milking it my whole career" Owen went off so their latest savior could come on, and of course I mean Wayne Rooney. The buildup immediately did become a lot better, favoring short, controlled passes over the long crosses with nobody on the end of them that England uses when they're letting their delusions of grandeur dictate tactics. Part of why they annoy me is they're good but play badly when they obstinately cling to this classic, pastoral image of English football that involved working class stiffs kicking a medicine ball around in the mud, and appropriate tactics. Arsenal make a distinctly English style work, aggressive and direct without being clumsy kick-and-run, and Beckham, Gerrard, and Rooney all have the skill and the poise to stamp that style on a more sophisticated game, so that's why it annoys the crap out of me when they play like a bunch of hyperactive teenagers with blue balls and hormones raging.

So anyways, Rooney being on the field really dramatically improves their offensive game, and Owen and Crouch really don't seem to play off of each other too well. What was classic was at one point seeing "All Night Dwight" Yorke taking the ball off of Rooney, like two eras of Manchester United's history were colliding... you could almost hear Yorke asking Rooney, "Hey, remember back when we used to win trophies?"

A fair result would have been a draw, given England's incompetence, Shaka Hislop's resurgence, and Trinidad threatening an upset all game, but in the end it worked out the way it should on paper. In the 83rd minute, David Beckham was given ages of time and space by what had to be an exhausted Trinidad defense to set up a cross out on the right wing, which he took advantage of because he's a crafty guy on the field, and a stylish one off it, even if he is a total idiot (even his friends say so publicly, which is kind of funny). Beckham's cross was perfectly placed to the far post, where Peter Crouch had his man one-on-one, and Crouch's height was decisive in going over the top for the header. This play definitely produced my man of the match: Stewart Downing. A man who hadn't previously made much of an impact in the game, not a big figure in an England uniform, but he quietly bided his time, and when an exuberant Peter Crouch streaked to the sidelines and waiting England supporters, Stewart Downing selflessly threw himself on Crouch like a soldier diving on a grenade. An international TV audience of millions upon millions would have been exposed to the Peter Crouch RoboDance goal celebration, but for the heroic efforts of Stewart Downing. God Save the Queen.

The steam was clearly taken out of Trinidad, and in the 91st minute, Gerrard iced it with a shot from distance, to put England up by two. Hopefully England will start rolling, because while I may amuse myself bitching about the excesses of England supporters, I want to see the game played at a high level and they can do that when they set their minds to it.

Three Lions 2-0 Soca Warriors
Crouch '83
Gerrard '91

Costa Rica v Ecuador

This was the first potential elimination game of the tournament, since an Ecuadorian win would close the door for both Costa Rica and Poland to make the second round. Ecuador took control early, scoring in the 8th minute off a cross to Carlos Tenorio, and again early in the second half to Augustin Delgado, both showing some poor defending by the Ticos. Costa Rica really only created one good chance the whole game, and this is the second game Ecuador has put away weaker opposition without any trouble. The only real highlight to me was when Ivan Kaviedes iced the game by scoring in injury time, then pulled a yellow mask out of his shorts so he could run around looking like an Ecuadorian Spiderman or something. Seriously, down the front of his sweaty shorts. It's also a second clean sheet for the Ecuadorian keeper, Cristian Mora, who paints the flag on his cheeks for each game.

Ecuador 3-0 Costa Rica
'8 Tenorio
'54 Delgado
'92 Kaviedes

Ecuador has taken control of the group by beating both Costa Rica and Poland by larger scores than Germany, meaning the Germans need to beat them outright to take the group. This group plays off with Group B (England, Sweden, T&T, Paraguay) and then meets the group of death (Argentina, Netherlands, Cote d'Ivoire, Serbia) in the quarterfinals, and those groups could end up in any order, so there's no point looking ahead yet.

Group A
Ecuador 6pts 5-0
Germany 6pts 5-2
Poland 0pts 0-3
Costa Rica 0pts 2-7

Germany v Poland

I can't believe this was the same Polish team that got spanked by Ecuador on Friday. This was a high paced, physical game, that could have easily tipped either way. A lot of the game consisted of Poland hanging on against a German onslaught, especially in the last 15 minutes when they were down a man. 0-0 really would have been a fair result, some result to mark the performance the Poles put on in front of a 50-50 crowd. The Polish crowd was pretty impressive, and the Germans knew it would be because they put the game on the opposite end of the country. This was a huge showdown, and accordingly 142 hooligans were arrested in Dortmund before the game.

Tactically, the Polish back line that was so slow and got beaten badly trying to play a high line against Ecuador really did a lot better. Germany obviously didn't have the speed to punish them, and they didn't play so far up. Some stupidity by German players helped, as in the case of Oliver Neuville, who came in as sub but kept hanging around waiting for service while the defenders moved upfield and left him offside. The stupidest offside violation was not his fault though. That came on what looked like the decisive sequence in the closing minutes of the game.

In the 90th minute, Miroslav Klose and Michael Ballack both broke free in the six-yard box for a dangerous cross, but Klose's header went off the crossbar. The rebound fell right to Ballack, who fell down volleying it off the crossbar, with the rebound going back out to the penalty spot where Neuville tried a shot that got blocked by a Polish defender so the ball squirts out to their right into space. Here's the thing, after Ballack's volley, Klose backs up out of the area since he's offside, but Ballack falls down and sits there for a second looking grumpy. When the ball squirts out, Ballack gets up, and goes back away from the goal to play it, passing it out to David Odonkor who puts it in the back of the net. But Ballack was clearly offside, made no attempt to get onside or get off the field, and played the ball from an offside position, so no goal. Between him and Neuville I was starting to wonder if they even knew about the rule. At that point, a draw looked like justice for the way the Poles were desperately hanging on with 10 men. The deciding goal came in the next minute, when David Odonkor finally got a ball served to him over the top of the Polish defense, and crossed it to Neuville for the winner, so they finally broke them down after 91 minutes.

There was a lot of disciplinary action in this game, and appropriately so. The big one would be Radoslav Sobolewski getting a second yellow in the 75th minute, which was for a stupid foul, and he'd been asking for it ever since he got his first yellow. I have no sympathy for Michael Ballack whining about his yellow card, because it was typical of the entire game, whenever Poland had an opportunity to counter, a German player would foul from behind to slow down the counterattack. They also would mob the referee to interfere with the restart, giving them more time to get back and organize their defense. Good tactic for a slow German team against an eastern European counterattacking team, but not much fun to watch, and definitely not very sportsmanlike.

I was amused and impressed by Polish keeper Artur Boruc, who kept making plays on the edge of the box that were a half step away from handballs. Borucs made a lot of plays with his hands out there where he'd grab the ball, but drop it as his momentum carried him over the line and then kick it. His diving scoop at the edge of the box to roll the ball out of bounds was another memorable clearance. His yellow card for repeated time-wasting was well-deserved, but I can't really blame him for burning time off the clock when Poland really ended up 30 seconds from a draw.

Also, I'd like to take a moment to point out that Oliver Neuville is German, so his name is pronounced NOY-vill, like Deutsch and schadenfreude.

Germany 1-0 Poland
'91 Neuville

Golden Boot - Round One

Here's a quick rundown on the golden boot, now that everybody's played at least one game. The following players are all tied with 2 goals:

Cahill (AUS)
Rosicky (CZE)
David Villa (ESP)
Wanchope (CRC)
Klose (GER)
Bravo (MEX)

Although my favorite so far is Group B where all four teams combined have so far only scored on themselves.

Tunisia v Saudi Arabia

Saudi Arabia's last World Cup highlight was a critical goal against Belgium in 1994 to make the second round, Tunisia's was their draw with Belgium in the last World Cup. So I started this game hoping they'd both lose, since I'm prone to that sort of irrational grudge.

I thought this game might be pretty dull, but it turned out a lot better than I expected. This was generally seen as a must-win game, with a team taking 3 points having a shot at displacing Spain or the Ukraine in the second round. Tunisia would have been my favorite, since they were African champions in 2004 (no clue who won this year, actually), African qualifying is a lot tougher, and I applied the "How many of their players have I heard of" rule, in conjunction with the "what clubs do they play for" rule and Hatem Trabelsi playing for Ajax, with the rest of the squad scattered all over France and big clubs from small leagues like Rangers and Rosenborg trumps a whole bunch of guys I never heard of playing in the Saudi league. It's all very scientific.

There was a non-call in the penalty box that could have made a big difference for Tunisia if they'd been awarded the penalty, but they controlled the first half, scoring on a defensive error on a set piece. The Saudi defender playing the ball tried to head it clear but knocked it down, and Ziad Jaziri played the bounce in this funky cartwheel to get his foot over the top of the ball, which looked really cool (to me anyways). Tunisia was up 1-0 and in control, which they seemed to figure was good enough.

In the second half, the Saudis came out guns blazing, much better organized and aggressive, and took back control of the game, tying things up with a nicely executed goal by Yasser Al-Qahtani, finishing off a cross into the box by Mohammad Nour by squeezing it past the keeper into the upper corner. Close to the end of the game, Sami Al-Jaber, who came out of retirement to help Saudi Arabia get through qualification, put the Saudis ahead on the end of another textbook shot coming at the end of a nice string of passes. The Saudis were going nuts, and this was a nice change of pace from the brutal thumping they took in 2002 (Germany alone put 8 goals past them).

But, in injury time, Jaziri took a ball bouncing around in the box and not properly cleared, settled it down by the end line, and had way too much time to settle and lob it across the goal to Radhi Jaidi who put the perfect header down on at the keeper's feet for the equalizer. Soccer is a low scoring game, which means when you're leading... you're not leading by much. Things turn around in an instant. (Which is why it was so irritating to see players give up in the US-Czech game.)

Tunisia 2-2 Saudi Arabia
Jaziri '23
Al Kahtani '57
Al Jaber '84
Jaidi '93

Spain v Ukraine

Really, how much can you say about a game as lopsided as this one? I'm not a huge fan of Spain or Spanish players (other than Cesc Fabregas and Jose Antonio Reyes) so I don't know much about them other than they're famous for never playing up to their level of talent, and that they knocked Ireland out of the last World Cup. What me, hold a grudge?

The Ukrainians didn't play anywhere near the level their qualifying campaign suggested they would, and the two Ukraine players I could have told you about before the game started, Sergei Rebrov and Andrii Shevchenko, really were invisible for most of the game. Shevchenko didn't get proper service and found himself offside quite a bit as a result. When he did get a decent chance, in the closing minutes of the game, he was on his own behind the defense but held up so long in getting settled for a shot he let the Spaniards catch up and block his shot. Rebrov had what should have been a great chance he put over the bar. He used to be really good when he played for Dynamo Kiev in the Champions League, then he went to Tottenham Hotspur for a few years and his career just died. Really a shaky game all-around, and the Ukraine did play half the game with 10 men, because of what is definitely the most memorable thing to come out of this game.

Early in the second half, Spanish striker Fernando Torres was running towards goal chased by defender Vladislav Vashchuk, with just the keeper in front of them. Vashchuk got past him, with some bumping and a brief tug on his shorts, but Torres was completely clear of Vashchuk when he took his shot, poorly, right to the keeper. He swung himself so off-balance taking the shot that his foot came down on Vashchuk's heel and he lost his footing and fell. Then on the ground he whined and waved his arms in disbelief (I would hope at how horrible that shot was) and got the most questionable penalty I think I've ever seen. David Villa converted it for Spain, to put the Ukraine up 3-0 at that point, but Vashchuk was sent off. A complete travesty, even though it really didn't significantly change the outcome of the game.

The Ukraine may be alright though, since second place in this group is arguably a better draw than first. The second round match-up for either position could be Switzerland or France, but the second place finisher goes to the other half of the draw from Brazil, now the likely quarterfinal opponent for Spain. Beating out Tunisia and Saudi Arabia for second should be well within the Ukraine's ability. The Ukraine also has the same Thundercats style going as Serbia & Montenegro, I wonder who's designing those, Puma?

Spain 4-0 Ukraine
'13 Xavi Alonso
'17 David Villa
'48 David Villa (pen)
'81 Torres

Brazil v Croatia

Something is still creeping me out a bit. During the national anthems FIFA has these kids come out with the teams and stand in front of them, and during the Croatian anthem, this Damien-looking kid looked directly into the camera and started lifting his eyebrows with this knowing smile. This 7-year old looked like he used his brief appearance on TV to simultaneously ask like three hundred million women all around the world if they were up for it. That will definitely pay off for him in another 10-15 years.

But with this kick-off, the Brazil-jocking can begin in earnest now. This wouldn't bother me, since Brazil is actually pretty damned good and definitely the world's consensus favorite, if it wasn't for three things. 1) It's relentlessness, 2) the claustrophobic hyperbole that surrounds them, and 3) it's the people who know fuck-all and don't follow the game who won't shut up about them. On the plus side, players like Kaka and Ronaldinho are two of the absolute delights of the sport, and the enthusiasm that goes with them is great, especially after a nasty game like France-Switzerland. And mainly I'm still just irritated because at the 1999 Women's World Cup opener, all the atmosphere came from the Americans, Danes, and Mexicans, and all the be-seens in yellow shirts just sat like lumps in their chairs. So to be clear: it's the fake Brazilians who annoy me.

Case in point, two figures quoted during the game were a supposed $100 million dollar valuation of Ronaldinho on the transfer market. The guy's currently the most marketable player in the world, and the best player, which does not always coincide, so I could see a definite case for him getting an outrageous fee, and I could see him being worth a small fortune to a club in terms of results and marketing. What I don't really get is who the hell they think would budget $100 million dollars for a player? Besides maybe Chelski, but Roman Abramovich, might order a hit on Jose Mourinho if he didn't win more than a league title with Ronaldinho, based on the number of people he's had murdered with less money at stake (allegedly). Chelsea doesn't have the global presence and marketing to recover that investment, so it would be down to Roman's cash. Otherwise there's Real Madrid, who have gotten in rough shape with the strategy of blowing their whole budget on superstars and won't make that mistake, Manchester United is flat broke, Liverpool and Arsenal don't have finances like that, French and German clubs' financial controls are too strict, so it's down to selling him for $100 million dollars to Milan or Juventus, which is like 150% more than either of them has ever payed for a player. That's 5 million dollars more than Chelsea splashed out for Andrii Shevchenko and Michael Essien combined, and they couldn't even realize the whole valuation of a player like that.

Of course, that pales in comparison to the reported contract offer of $120 million dollars over ten years for Ronaldo by, wait for it... Red Bull New York. Ronaldo would definitely put them on the map, and I could see it as a long-term investment in the franchise, being able to put his jersey up on the wall somewhere, and I assume most of that money wasn't guaranteed. Red Bull says they talked to him, but deny they offered $120 million dollars. I have no idea why somebody would report these numbers seriously.

The actual game was pretty damned good. The Croatians took it right to Brazil for 85 minutes, only getting sloppy at the close of the first half. They gave Kaka a nice wide open space to settle and fire, and Brazil went up 1-0 in the 44th minute, which turned out to be the deciding goal. Solid win for Brazil, who set the all-time record for consecutive World Cup wins at 8, beating Italy's record of 7 back in the '30s. The last World Cup game they did not win was to France in the '98 Final. Brazil have made three consecutive finals, but they're 1-1-1 with a solid win over Germany and that total embarrassment by France.

What was cool to see was both the Croatians hanging with them, and the way the Croats can receive the ball in a dangerous position, and turn and fire before anybody has a chance to realize what's going on. You never see their shots coming, it's incredible. If they weren't all aimed directly at Dida, they'd have done pretty well. Ridiculous play of the game was Roberto Carlos taking a free kick from deep in his own half. He kicks it all the way across the field, where the first guy who can get to it is Prso, who takes off towards goal. Roberto Carlos really looks like he's past his sell-by date. These guys are beatable, but it's really difficult, and the Croatians proved both of those points. This was the unofficial game for first place in the group, since it's unlikely that current group leaders Australia are going to hold on against Brazil.

Man of the match definitely goes to the guy who ran onto the field wearing a Croatia jersey, and went unnoticed while the game was going on, except for one Croatia player who did a double-take at a teammate wearing jeans.

Group F
Australia 3pts +2
Brazil 3pts +1
Croatia 0pts -1
Japan 0pts -2

France v Switzerland

Les Bleus vs Die Eidgennossen (The Oath Comrades)

First off, nice work by ESPN announcing during the Korea game that France was playing Zidane as a lone striker.  France is actually starting a 4-5-1 with two defensive midfielders behind a playmaker, and a lone striker.  Kind of like they've been doing for at least the last 4 tournaments.  It's a step up from 2002, when ABC rearranged France's line-up for the opening game into a 4-4-2 because they couldn't get their heads around Henry playing on the left wing (which is where he roams half the time as a striker, as anybody who's ever seen him play for Arsenal could tell you).  Seriously, where the fuck is Statboy when this stuff is going on?  (Don't get me started on mispronouncing Michel Platini's name when there's a commercial featuring him on during every game.)

Anyways, here's France's line-up (left to right):

Fabien Barthez

Eric Abidal
William Gallas
Lilian Thuram
Willy Sagnol

Frank Ribery
Claude Makelele
Zinedine Zidane
Patrick Vieira
Sylvain Wiltord

Thierry Henry

Lots of stars on this team, but the real "that's just not fair" talent comes from Henry and Zidane (in his prime).  Maybe you could include the Brick Wall of Thuram back in the late 90s.  Vieira is that rare great ballwinner who adds a lot going forward, up there with Edgar Davids or Roy Keane back in the day.  However, a lot of this team is the core of the '98-'00 World Cup and Euro winning teams, 8 years on, so it's hard to say what to expect.

One thing I wondered about when I saw this line-up was how Barthez was still #1 for France since I hadn't heard his name since he was finally beaten out by Tim Howard (USA!) at Manchester United and fucked off back to Marseille.  Barthez has had huge successes, played great in the World Cup and Euro wins, but tends to make things interesting, dropping a lot of balls and giving up rebounds on saves.  Apparently the top rated French keeper, Gregory Coupet, wondered about that decision too and left the French camp when he heard Barthez was going to start.  He seems to be back now, but it is interesting that Barthez has been such a lock over Coupet, Landreau, and Frey for the last decade.  (Actually, what the hell ever happened to Sebastian Frey, and how come he never plays for France?)

I'd address Switzerland, but their WC slogan "2006 - It's Swiss o'clock!" is so stupid it really put me off finding out more about Die Eidgennossen (some heavy drinking must have gone into that nickname).  France's "Liberte, Egalite, Jules Rimet" actually does show some wit, playing off of Liberte, Egalite, Fraternite.  I'm also a little pissed about Ireland being eliminated by Switzerland and France in qualifying.

A couple plays worth commenting on occurred within minutes of each other in the first 30 minutes, which a helpful somebody assured me were uneventful, before dropping hints about the final result (a topic I may return to before Brazil v Croatia).  First Thierry Henry's run to the goal-line where upon running out of room to make a play after breaking down the defense, Henry sent a nice gentle rolling pass across the mouth of the goal, which nobody touched because nobody followed up on his run.  Sylvain Wiltord, for instance.  Speaking of Sylvain Wiltord, moments later he lived up to the most vivid description I've ever heard of his primary weakness as a player:  "He has the first touch of a rapist."  Playing a high ball, wide open, he thumps it off the ground so hard he has to wait for it to come back down to kick it, but instead finds the ribs of the Swiss defender who closed with him while he was waiting.  I'd also like to take a moment to laugh my ass off at Frei and Senderos getting way behind the French defenders on a free kick, only for Frei to put the ball of the post, then helpfully volley the rebound out of the penalty area.  Granted, my goal-scoring record in my soccer career was like 0 in 10 years, but I was still amused.

This game turned into a mugging at some point, and I hope Les Bleus remember to cancel their credit cards and change their locks.  Seriously nasty, lots of cards issued, to the Swiss for dangerous play and handballs, and to the French for annoying the ref.  Sometimes fair does not mean even-handed.  The Swiss were still lucky since the handball in the 37th minute where a Swiss player knocked the ball to his keeper drew no reaction, and in the last minute of the game when Frei punched the ball over the crossbar, if it had gone in he'd have been tossed.  And can these people make any kind of play on the ball without grabbing a fistful of blue fabric first?

Another key set of plays, within minutes of each other, Henry nutmegs Senderos to set up a decent chance for France, which comes to nothing.  Just in case Senderos didn't look stupid enough, he took it to the next level moments later, when chasing down a long ball intended for Ribery, he jumps to try to play the ball in the air, but mistimes it and the ball bounces under his feet.  Ribery streaks in for a one-on-one with the keeper, but loses his nerve and passes it out to Henry who can't control it quickly enough to get a good shot off.  Pretty typical for the day.

A couple of interesting subs, Switzerland brought on Daniel Gygax in the <dice roll> 57th minute and nearly put the game away for them.  More historic was the appearance in the last three minutes of Vikash Dhorasoo for France.  Dhorasoo is the first player of Indian descent to ever play in a World Cup, since the Indian team that qualified for Brazil'50 was denied permission to play barefoot and withdrew.  I think most people thought a British asian would be the first, and I certainly did a double-take when I saw him getting ready to come in.  The two great things are in the closing minutes of the game he took arguably France's best shot of the game, just wide of the post, and that now Les Bleus have once again given the finger to French racists by playing white, black, arab, and asian players together.

This game was supposed to be for the group win, so now it's down to Togo and South Korea to play spoiler or if France continues to stutter in front of the goal or the Swiss get their whole team suspended, take it themselves.

France 0-0 Switzerland
(stick to making cheese)

Togo v South Korea

Or if you prefer, the Sparrow-Hawks vs the Taeguk Warriors. A cookie if you know which is which (obvious clue provided).

One aspect of this game that may feature again is the issues created by the stadium in Frankfurt. After the England-Paraguay game, there were a lot of complaints about the weird shadows from the jumbotron suspended over the middle of the field. So the roof was closed for this game, which solved that problem, but meant that the whole place got really hot and humid. By the end of the game apparently it was so hot and steamy Dick Advocaat was steaming mussels over by the Korean bench. This stadium will be used for the Portugal-Iran game, so we can see what they decide to do, but after that is Holland vs Argentina, by which time Marco van Basten will know to bring in a cone of newspaper with some frites to go with the mussels he'll be steaming in the second half. It's also being used for a quarterfinal, which will most likely be Brazil, Italy, or the United States (undaunted) against either the Ukraine or France. The fact that it's hot may not seem like a big deal, but it was today, and it may be for Holland-Argentina as well.

The first African team to take a lead in this tournament was Togo, off a Mohammed Kader goal in the 31st minute. He got good service as he darted between two Korean defenders, and while he didn't settle it well, an ugly first touch, he had the speed to get to it first and fire across the goal, banging it in off the far post. The key was he got the perfect pass, and that's really set Togo apart from what I saw from Cote d'Ivoire and Ghana, and maybe to a lesser degree Angola. The Togolese showed great unselfishness and teamwork in the last third of the field. They may not have the same level of internationally recognized talent as the other West African teams, but their lone star Sheyi Adebayor (who gets some recognition since he plays for Arsenal) was clearly focused on moving and distributing the ball, in comparison to holding the ball forever and getting nothing for it like Michael Essien in particular.

They won't go too far, but they've certainly got my support. There was some expectation that a team that fired the coach that got them to the tournament (after a bad showing in the continental championship) and then had their current coach resign during the World Cup because players wouldn't show up to practice would be in total disarray, but that wasn't the case. This was the most organized African team so far, and I wouldn't really think it was possible for a weak team to get past Senegal, Liberia, and Zambia in qualifying. They may not go far, but they've got my support at least, and as ESPN tells us, Togo is the magic capital of Africa, so I suppose anything can happen.

Of course they didn't win or anything, because in the second half, things went a bit wrong. At halftime South Korea (or Souf Korea as a certain banking magnate would say) brought on the infamous Ahn Jung Hwan, infamous for his short track skating celebration after scoring on the US in 2002, and because he knocked Italy out of the Cup and got told to clean out his locker and go fuck himself by his club, Perugia, setting off another club vs. country debate in international soccer. Anyways, Ahn had a good scoring chance ruined when he got chopped down by Jean-Paul Abalo just outside the penalty area. Abalo was sent off, and Lee Chun Soo put the resulting free kick over the wall. The Togolese keeper was shading that side of the net, and crouched ready to leap up and grab a shot over the wall. The shot went the other way, he couldn't change direction and just flailed after it, and South(f) Korea tied the game.

Then Ludovic Assemoassa went out injured, so that's two starters out of Togo's previously pretty solid defense, and they're down to 10 men. But Togo went apeshit after going down a man, and started putting huge pressure on the Korean goal, creating some serious opportunities to pull ahead. They also didn't seem to give anything up defensively, with no real open space for the Koreans to operate. They couldn't keep it up though, playing with 10 men in a steam cooker against a South(f) Korean team that plays at a high tempo. Ahn pulled the Koreans ahead in the 72nd minute, and they dominated the rest of the game, as the Togolese really started to fade.

South Korea 2-1 Togo
Kader '31
Lee '54
Ahn 72

(BTW, some confusion exists for me as to what name is on the Asian players' shirts, since I wasn't paying that close attention, and the squad lists I've seen have conflicting information, so I'm just guessing.)

Italy v Ghana

Azzurri v Black Stars

After the US came out so flat, I really didn't have much enthusiasm to see how good the rest of the opposition was. Fortunately, they're not that good, but both still played better than the US. Some highlights included a stupid, horribly executed clearance by a guy named Mensah, failing to live up to his name, and Ghana being denied two penalties against an Italian team full of players being questioned for fixing games. Croatia can say something about that... two goals called back against Italy in JSK'02 for phantom offsides meant Croatia lost 2-1 and missed the second round.

I was definitely impressed by the midfield play of Ghana, and their ability to get the ball into the last third, especially when Painstil faked out DeRossi so bad he actually fell down. Less impressive was their inability to make the last pass or finish. Players taking too much time dribbling around selfishly looking for their own shot and letting Italy's defense get set led to lots of long shots, mostly over the bar. Not only did the Black Stars fail to make the last pass, they often failed to look for it... Michael Essien (touted every time he touched the ball as Africa's Most Expensive Footballer) while productive and dangerous, really looked like he wanted to put on a one man show and never give up the ball, and nobody's going to do that against Italy. Well, maybe Thierry Henry.

Italy, true to form, gave up a lot of possession but stifled a lot of action in their end, but are absolutely lethal on set pieces and on the break. Their first goal wasn't a set piece but it was a shot by Andrea Pirlo from 40 yards out, through heavy traffic, just inside the post. On the plus side, the US isn't likely to offer the same kinds of opportunities through boneheaded mistakes, like in the 83rd minute when Sammy Kuffour played the ball back to his keeper too gently and too far out, and Vincenzo Iaquinta nicked it and scored on an empty net. Richard Kingston really came out of his goal way too much and flubbed too many plays, something I doubt we'll see from Kasey Keller.

Francesco Totti showed some nasty balls on free kicks, but went out early after getting his leg stomped on. This was probably as a precautionary measure, since he's recovering from a broken leg, but he may not be full strength or willing to chance it, like a frail Beckham ducking out of challenges in 2002. Nevertheless, to beat Italy, the US will have to play better than they did against the Czechs.

Italy 2-0 Ghana
Pirlo '40
Iaquinta '83

USA v Czech Republic (FT)

This is certainly interesting, to kick off the second half, Eddie
Johnson and John O'Brien are coming on, and Pablo Mastroeni and Steve
Cherundolo went off. Cherundolo I don't quite get since he's the only
guy who can cross. Mastroeni has been invisible, and Ajax youth teamer
John O'Brien is our most polished player when he's healthy (a rare
event). So it's an extra striker and a more offensive minded central
midfield, and hopefully Johnson's speed opens something up, and he can
actually make a run to give somebody a target. I say we pull the keeper
for Brian Ching and send Lewis, Beasley, and Convey forward in a 2-2-7
formation.

O'Brien's contribution so far was the (completely clean) welcome to the
NFL hit he just put on Nedved. It's a sign of the changes in American
soccer to see a US team that doesn't get pushed off the ball anymore.
The officiating has also evened out over the course of the game, so I
have one less thing to whine about. It would be nice to arrest the
trend of losing all our games in Europe. On the other hand, outside of
Europe, the US has advanced in 3/4 World Cups (Uruguay'30, Brazil'50,
USA'94, JSK'02) with at least one win in each. We're going to OWN South
Africa. (Still undaunted in my optimism.)

Koller's replacement Lokvenc is getting too much room and too many
opportunities. The Czechs really do look a class apart, way sharper
than the US, which is not exactly shocking, but I really hope we wake up
soon. This is how they played in warm up games against much worse
opposition like Morocco, and it wasn't working then either. We've got
nothing going on in midfield, and nobody showing up when they do get the
ball out of midfield. Time to form the human pyramid in front of the
goal and try to hold on to 2-0 if they don't wake up. If Italy is still
doing their "What is this 'midfield' you speak of?" all-catenaccio all
the time strategy, we may look a little better. And maybe we can find a
coffee bar and get McBride some espresso.

Another nice shot at least by Eddie Johnson in the 70th minute, a
bending shot from long distance that went just wide, but may be enough
to draw the Czech defense out a bit farther and create some space,
sparking our late comeback (undaunted). A little more build-up, still
nobody making the last pass, and a lot of people standing around,
though. Okay, first good chance in the 75th minute with Landon dropping
to midfield and making something happen, just missing hooking up with
Eddie Johnson. This is looking better, and Josh Wolff---

Okay forget Josh Wolff, Rosicky just scored again ('76). Nedved threads
the needle between four guys and releases Rosicky on his own behind the
defense, Keller comes out but not a lot he can do. Stealing one back
and losing 2-1 would have been huge in terms of staying in this group,
losing by 3 means we ain't getting much help from goal differential.
Wolff is coming in for McBride who's had the mobility and soft touch of
Frankenstein, and we've got to score, not to win, but to stay in the
running to lose to Brazil in the second round. And to restore our pride
and play better in the next two games.

81st minute, Johnson takes a nice shot that goes just over the bar and
settles on top of the net. Why oh why this guy didn't start is a
mystery. McBride was phenomenal as a target man in 2002, but there's
nobody giving him service, and nobody playing off of him like Johnson or
Wolff, Beasley doesn't know what to do, I don't know what Convey does,
and both central midfielders need to be involved in the game. No
energy... they can play a lot better than this, and their next two
opponents are beatable, so there's still room for optimism. Although I
am slightly daunted in mine. It all depends on how Ghana and Italy
look. Hey, Group of Death, you expect some rough days, right?

Czech Republic 3-0 United States
5' Koller
'36 Rosicky
'76 Rosicky

USA v Czech Republic (1st half)

On paper, there's no comparison between these two teams. Pavel Nedved
has won a World Player of the Year award, and the Czechs really should
have been more of a force in the past few years, but got the draw of
death in 2000, and an unbelievable qualifying loss to Belgium in 2002.
However, my rampant American optimism doesn't allow me to acknowledge
these sorts of facts. I will also laugh my ass off uncontrollably
should Brazil come in 2nd in their group, and meet the winner of this
group... "Hey, you won... here's your prize!"

The Czechs have gone up a goal early, when Lewis left too much space
behind him on the left, and the Czechs had hours to set up a cross to
Jan Koller in the 5th minute. Koller is an enormous man, standing 6'8"
and totally dwarfing Oguchi Onyewu and Eddie Pope. Basically he looks
like he should have metal teeth and be terrorizing Roger Moore. He fits
right in with Nedved though, who looks like the guy from the TV version
of Beauty and the Beast. (You know, the Beast?) I can't despise Koller
too much, since he was a starter for Anderlecht the last time they went
deep in Europe, or Rosicky because he plays for Arsenal now, but I can
be pissed off at the rest of the Czechs for eliminating Norway in the
play-offs. (Especially Peter Cech, the Czech from Chelsea.)

I don't mind losing a tough game (although I maintain we'll be coming
back to win 5-1) but one thing that is annoying me, is how easily the
Czechs go down, and the lack of calls going the other way (which may
improve). Don't get me wrong, the early yellow card on Onyewu was
justified, it was a late tackle that took out Nedved's legs and there's
no place for that, but holding his kidney and wailing until the card
came out (he got up pretty quickly then) was pretty tiresome. He'll
regret that when he loses 5-1 (hope springs eternal). The fact that of
the 11 points the US has won in the World Cup, the only one where we
came from behind was when Waldo scored to get us a 1-1 draw against
Switzerland in 1994? Also irrelevant. And a yellow card to Rozehnal
for tripping Landon Donovan, so I should probably quit whining about the
official. (If we lose I'll need to save that for the second stage of
grief: Anger. God only knows what I'll do when it comes to Bargaining.)

Damarcus Beasley is not looking to sharp, starting on the right side of
midfield, and 25 minutes in, Brian McBride and Bobby Convey have yet to
do anything. I think our defense is alright, just overmatched, but it's
like nobody in the midfield or up front knows where they're supposed to
be, besides Captain America who's working overtime. Okay, Convey just
tried the one-on-one through a guy twice his size maneuver, so I guess
he is on the field. For those of you--

GARRHH!

Reyna with a nice shot, settles it outside the box as the defense
closes, shoots in the last second he has space, Peter Cech diving too
late, off the left post. Inches from being in. If you're wondering why
I simultaneously watch and blog, I'd have to smoke or eat otherwise to
have something to do with my hands. (No alternative suggestions of what
I could do with my hands, please.) And I really did shout like I'd been
stabbed when Reyna's shot went off the post. Okay, like I was saying,
here's our line-up (left to right):

Kasey Keller

Eddie Lewis
Oguchi Onyewu
Eddie Pope
Steve Cherundolo

Bobby Convey
Pablo Mastroeni
Claudio Reyna (aka Captain America)
Damarcus Beasley (aka RunDMB)

Landon Donovan
Brian McBride

A whole lot of offside calls on the Czechs, who definitely have some
fast motherfuckers... nice to see a US back line with the balls to take
a high line. Completely undaunted in my positive outlook. Undaunted.
No plans to leap to my death if we lose all three games. And as I say
that, Tomas Rosicky rips one into the opposite corner from 35 yards
out. God that was a nice shot. (He must die.) If the US gets out of
this group goal differential will be part of it, so stealing one back
could still be huge. Personally, now I'm thinking maybe we only score
four goals in our comeback win. (Undaunted.)

Oh man, Koller is being stretchered off with a hamstring injury in the
42nd minute. Big loss for the Czechs, and I hate to see this be part of
the inevitable US comeback. He's replaced by Vratislav Lokvenc. I hope
he's alright, mostly out of empathy for a fellow human being, and as
somebody who loves seeing the beautiful game at its highest level, but
also because I want him out there scoring goals and taking points off of
the Italians and Ghanaians.

Maybe in the second half we can stop directing all throw-ins and crosses
directly at where Peter Cech is standing.

Czech Republic 2-0 United States (HT)
Koller ('5)
Rosicky ('36)

Japan - Australia

Japan 1-0 Australia (HT)
Nakamura ('26)

The first half goal was really questionable, on a long lob into the box
by Shunsuke Nakamura as two Japanese players got behind their Australian
counterparts and then Naohiro Takahara gave Aussie keeper Mark Schwarzer
a nice hip-check to keep him from being able to play the ball. The pass
went over his head and into the goal, but that's the way things go
sometimes. Screwing over Australia is also like one of the 5 Pillars of
International Soccer... "Trinidad, you play off with Bahrain.
Australia, you play off with Uruguay. Again." The only guy standing
out is Mark Viduka with the nasty backheels in the box, although Harry
Kewell made a nice run on the restart after the Japanese goal, nearly
tying things up after 5 seconds (shot over the crossbar).

Japan's players seem to have taken a step down in prestige, though. A
few years ago, Hidetoshi Nakata was playing at Roma in their prime, Alex
was at PSG, Shinji Ono at Feijenoord, Junichi Inamoto (hello, moto!) was
with Arsenal, now a couple of them are bouncing around with mid-table
premiership and bundesliga teams, but most are in the J-league. Which,
to be fair, like MLS for the United States, has really improved a lot
and improved the player pool for Japan. Nakata looked like he was on
his way to being the first of many Asian stars, though, not just a
clothes horse for Nike/Adidas/etc.

Almost all of Australia's players play in Europe, although some of them
are in the second tier in England, but a lot at midtable sides in
England and Italy, plus a couple at top sides in Switzerland and
Holland. Granted, tt's easier to get work permits if you're Australian,
and the A-league is pretty dire, so there's more reason for Japanese
players to stay home than for Australians. The Aussies might look
better on paper because of that, but Japan has been winning
championships in Asia and playing in the last three World Cups while the
Aussies were stuck in Oceania, trying to play friendlies in Europe.
Australia joining Asia should be huge for them.

In the 58th minute, Schwarzer comes way off his line and has to head a
ball out of danger, but heads it right back to Japan... that was a
moment where they had to make some thing of it, get a decent shot off
while he's off his line. Instead they held the ball too long and
plunked the ball off a defender. Put that away and the Japanese don't
have to take any stick about winning because of the non-call on
Takahara. Not much ability to link up on the offensive end. On the
other hand, Australia hasn't ever scored a goal in four WC games (all in
Germany, coincidentally).

I stand corrected, on long throw-in into the box that got knocked down
and shuffled around but grappling players, Tim Cahill finally boots it
in for Australia. This is followed up by denying Japan a penalty, which
is a bit of a make-up call for the Japanese goal. And then Cahill in
the 89th minute puts Australia ahead, ricocheting the ball off the left
post and into the opposite side netting. Good work by Guus Hiddink
bringing him on as a sub... I think Hiddink's scowl even briefly
lightened on the second goal. And Aloisi, Johnny Aloisi makes it 3-1 in
the 92nd minute.

Australia 2-1 Japan
Nakamura ('26)
Cahill ('84, '89)
Aloisi ('92)

I don't know that there's a lot to worry about for Brazil and Croatia,
but this is a great win for Australia, coming back with 3 goals in 8
minutes.

Australia 3pts +2
Brazil
Croatia
Japan 0pts -2

Up next, USA v Czech Republic, which I'm currently still too nervous to
start watching.

Mexico v Iran, Portugal v Angola

Mexico 3-1 Iran

I have to admit, I wasn't exactly boning for either of these games. The
Mexico-Iran game in particular showed these teams are not the class of
the tournament, with the clumsy mistakes that led to goals. Iran's goal
in particular, the keeper flubbed a cross and in a goalmouth scramble
Golmohmmadi knocked the ball in. Mexico ran a fake free kick, with one
guy running over the ball and another guy taking it, but they ran it so
slow it was like back when the SPA 8th grade soccer team used to run 4
guys over the ball just to screw around.

Mexico showed they were clearly the better team, but the Iranian defense
really gave them opportunities you can't blow. On the first goal, a
free kick was heading just wide of the goal but an unmarked Mexican
player tapped it into the corner. On the second, the keeper cleared the
ball right at Omar Bravo, who knocked it down, and the Iranian defender
who grabbed that tapped it right into Naelson, who passed it back to
Bravo for the goal. Two bad clearances... and the third goal the
defenders tracked back so far they were out of position on a cross to a
wide open Mexican player. I'd like to see Mexico against the rest of
the group, but Iran looked pretty rough. Bringing a coach to Germany
who says the Holocaust was a myth was definitely a way to show their
country in the best light as well. That's like a national team coach
saying all handicapped people were paying for the sins of a former
life... oh wait, England already went there.

ESPN is hitting new levels of intrusiveness, straining for even dumber
factoids, like telling us this was the 5th game in WC history in which a
team used all three subs by the 52nd minute, and that England's game was
the first 1-0 game decided by an own goal. They nearly missed Mexico's
2nd goal because they had cut away to training camp shots of the United
States, with Claudio Reyna (aka Captain America) doing aerobics. The
shots of Mexico City celebrating (with an ESPN DOS bug in the corner)
were nice, but what I really missed was the canned Iranian celebration
video from 1998, where the immaculately dressed guys were totally
hamming it up for the camera in a restaurant with no food on the tables,
while apparently in the street pandemonium was breaking out... women
were doffing their headscarves! Just wait until the entire population
of the Czech Republic change their names and move to Slovakia in shame
when they lose to us (it never hearts to dream).

Portugal 1-0 Angola

I really was rooting for Angola, because other than the early goal,
Portugal looked pretty flat. When Pauleta got in behind the defense and
nearly scored in the first minute, it really looked like a potential
rout, and a few minutes later when Figo coming down the left took on a
defender by playing the ball inside, to the right, then going outside
and passing the defender on his left, beating him to the ball then
cutting it back and to the middle for a trailing Pauleta, a sweet goal,
it looked like it could turn into a real Portuguese showcase. But it
was not to be, as Figo pretty much disappeared, and Cristiano Ronaldo
was more noteworthy for being fouled every 2 minutes by Angolan players
trying to stoke his legendary temper. Portugal has had a huge crop of
talent for the last 15 years but has done nothing with it, kind of like
the Netherlands with better weather.

Angola, like Cote d'Ivoire, started out pretty shaky, but didn't look
bad at all. The guy who stands out the most to me is not Akwa, their
lone superstar, but rather Loco, because he's got Damon Wayans'
hairstyle from that gay film critic sketch on In Living Color, and it
cracks me up. Well, him or Figueiredo, the blond white guy who looks
like some German fan ran out of the stands and onto the field and is
hoping security won't notice him.

I do have to say Akwa does look pretty talented, and kept trying to put
away chances with bicycle kicks trying to make the highlight reel. I'll
be curious to see where he ends up after the World Cup (Chicago Fire?)
but why is it that whenever I see Akwa running, I have to piss?

Netherlands v Serbia & Montenegro

The first thing I really have to comment on is the aftermath of Arjen
Robben's goal to put Holland up 1-0. Robin van Persie hugged him and
rolled him down to the ground on his back in a real Brokeback Stadion
kind of vibe, and I seriously thought he was going to kiss him.
Seriously, they showed the Dutch bench and a stunned and teary-eyed
Michelle Williams next to Marco van Basten. The thing that was really
amusing about it was Ruud van Kneestillesore running up late and trying
to get in on the action, but that horse-faced bastard apparently wasn't
getting any. Arjen Robben is really eating S&M alive, though.

Is anybody else enjoying the giant graphics that cover half the screen
that ESPN keeps putting directly over the action? It is a bit better
than the MLS thing of showing ads during the game on a split screen in
some sort of commercialized homage to Brian De Palma. I won't address
John Harkes not bothering to learn any basics of Dutch pronunciation
(ArYEN Robben, not Ardjen or Arzhen), since nobody else at that network
bothers. You may remember John Harkes from appointment as Captain For
Life of the US National Team, rescinded when he had all the blood
drained from his body by the Romanian women's team.

HT Netherlands 1-0 Serbia

Just a random observation, I'm really liking the whole Thundercats thing
the Serbs have going on their uniforms. Maybe Mumra can come on as a
second half sub to mark Robben. The striker who came on for Kezman with
the blond streak down the center of his hair certainly looks like a
Thundercats reject. Which reminds me, when did the rat tail make a
comeback in Europe? I also like how they announced at halftime that
Serbia and Montenegro are now two different countries and will no longer
play as a unified team like it happened in the locker room at halftime,
and during the second half the Montenegrin players are going to
scrimmage in the parking lot with the players from Oost Vlanders and Frisia.

This ball really is just nasty. The slow-mo replay of Van der Sar's
injury shows him perfectly anticipate the path of the ball, and get his
hands up, then get this stricken look as it dips and he slams into the
ground hard trying to stay in front of it. VdS was apparently not
injured, he's just cramping up a lot, which should be a relief to Oranje
supporters.

In the end, Holland holds on for a 1-0 win, which is good. Serbia was a
brick wall in qualifying, I don't think they even got scored on, and
they were without one first choice defender for this game (suspended
from one international), so Argentina and Cote d'Ivoire aren't going to
have an easier time. Why they took Mateja Kezman and Savo Milosevic
both off relatively early in the game is a bit of a mystery, and Ruud
van Kneestillsore didn't do much for Holland. Argentina kept some
really talented players out against Cote d'Ivoire, so it's still too
early to say how this group will shape up. As of right now:

Argentina 3pts +1 2g
Holland 3pts +1 1g
Cote d'Ivoire 0pts -1 1g
Serbia 0pts -1 0g

Cote d'Ivoire v Argentina (cont.)

Nice play in the 57th minute by Cote d'Ivoire's defenders, as Riquelme
held up the ball in front of the box, because his intended target,
Crespo, got himself into an offside position. As soon as Crespo figured
it out he tried to step up onside, great play by one defender who's
sliding back then looks at the open Crespo hustling back onside and
darts forward to move the line up, Riquelme passes the ball to Crespo
and the flag goes up. There has been a striking lack of organization to
Les Elephants, especially given that they all play for top teams. The
one-on-one offensive play is apparently a plague on African national
teams in the Cup of Nations, as players are mainly trying to raise their
own profiles, and it may be showing a bit here too as every offensive
chance they get is Drogba taking it in himself. Nobody makes any runs,
they just watch, so there's nobody to pass to if you want to.

With half an hour to go, Argentina takes off their target man, Crespo,
and brings in Rodrigo Palacio to apparently play a little deeper, so
they're not looking for more goals. That can be a dangerous mentality,
since the Italians, who are the Kings of defending a 1-0 lead, get a lot
of nasty surprises. This game has been completely Argentina's, but
given the expected tightness of this group, goal differential and goals
scored could be huge. The way Drogba got mugged in the box in the 69th
minute without a penalty being called really can't help.

In the 82nd minute, Cote d'Ivoire scores! Nicely played too, a lot of
team work going into getting Drogba a couple shots, the second one in
the back of the net. Over the course of the second half, Les Elephants
started to play a lot better and get more organized, and it really paid
off. If they've shaken off the jitters, things just got a lot more
difficult for Holland. Speaking of Holland, the stripes on the Dutch
flag go red, white, blue, so there's really no reason to confuse it with
the flag of the Russian Federation. Or Finland. (SO glad he's dead.)

On the topic of the offside trap, nice use of it again in the 85th
minute when Riquelme took a shot from the top of the box as two
Argentine players made runs in from either side of him. Argentina got
the rebound of the blocked shot, but Les Elephants had played 2
different guys offside on the shot. One of them put the rebound home,
but he was clearly offside. This is one of the benefits of the Jupiler
league importing a lot of African players who then go on to the bigger
European leagues: they all learn the Belgian offside trap. Belgium may
not have qualified, but the Diables Rouges are here in spirit.

The game ends 2-1, good for Argentina, but potentially not that bad for
Cote d'Ivoire, who should be putting some fear into Serbia and Holland.
And no Paul, I still don't want to know the score to the Serbia &
Montenegro v Netherlands game.

Cote d'Ivoire v Argentina

Still watching this (until somebody calls to tell me the score), but on
Argentina's goal in the 25th minute, I really wish I could see this in
HDTV so I could tell who the guy was marking Hernan Crespo. The free
kick comes in, Crespo hangs back while other players break towards the
goal, Drogba gets to the ball but can't quite clear it, and then
Crespo's man watches while he runs forward and knocks the ball in with a
pretty strange move, jumping up and coming down on the bouncing ball so
he can knock it down into the corner. I just want to know because I
really hope it wasn't one of the guys who play for Arsenal (Emmanuel
Eboue and Kolo Toure).

Some quick information about Cote d'Ivoire, first off, I thought they
asked in the past that people actually call their country by that name,
and not translate it into english, what with them speaking french and
all. According to Bono, they called a ceasefire in a civil war when
they made the World Cup. A few years ago the national team was detained
by the military after deplaning on their way back from a poor showing at
the African Cup of Nations, and only released when FIFA threatened to
ban them from future international competitions.

Their nickname is Les Elephants, and they're like the mirror universe
Ireland, playing in orange with orange, white, and green bars on their
flag. Then again i did not all that long ago explain to somebody that
Italy does not in fact fly the Irish flag (red and orange are not the
same color), and to somebody else that the Finnish flag he was raving
about was the flag of Nova Scotia. Then he asked pointedly why Nova
Scotia would fly a Finnish flag, and I tried to point out that the flag
he was talking about had the colors of the Finnish flag in a St.
Andrew's Cross (which the Finnish flag does not), a big honking yellow
seal with a red lion rampant (also not on the Finnish flag), and that
the guy who owned the boat told me he had the flag of Nova Scotia on his
boat because he kept his boat there (and not Finnland). That person
then told me the St. Andrew's Cross was Scotland's flag like I was some
kind of idiot, so rather than explain that I was obviously talking about
the shape, I just killed him. And I'll note, St. Andrew's cross can be
used to refer to a flag with a diagonal blue cross on a white background
as well, so I'm glad he's dead. Tomorrow, more on football, heraldry,
and people I've murdered because they annoyed me (you may be next).

But before I go to bed, Argentina's second goal was certainly
interesting, Riquelme sliced a nice ball through Cote d'Ivoire's defense
into the box,
three Argentine players got in behind the defense, and Saviola tapped
the ball in. Here's the thing, two of the Argentine players were
offside, but since the ball went to Saviola, who was just on and timed
his run a hell of a lot better, the goal stands. FIFA's really been
pushing relaxing the offside rule to allow more passive offsides, and
instructed referees that they have to see daylight between players
before they raise the flag, so it's nice to see this stuff paying off.
I'm still mad about Buffalo Bill getting a goal called back against
Colombia in the '94 World Cup (he was never offside) and great goals
that don't count because of ticky-tack calls by linesman really get
annoying. The ball where the Ivorian keeper turned around and pulled it
back out of the goal mouth (the whole ball has to cross the line) was
pretty interesting as well.

I'm definitely turning my phone off tomorrow until I've seen the Holland
game. And I don't know who gets the orange uniforms on Friday, but I
think you'll be able to see Stuttgart from space.

Sweden v Trinidad & Tobago

Sweden 0-0 Trinidad & Tobago (HT)

Still watching this game but through the first half, this has been
great. Really high tempo, and pretty physical but there's a flow to the
game that was really missing in England-Paraguay. Sweden is creating a
huge number of chances with nothing going in, but the chances they're
getting, especially by Zlatan Ibrahimovic, have been fun as hell to
watch. Trinidad is getting some opportunities, but the action was so
heavy in their half of the field that this is really Sweden's game...
Shaka Hislop is single-handedly keeping T&T in the game with some
beautiful saves. Now the possible turning point, as Avery John is sent
off with a second yellow card on a pretty harsh call. T&T are down to
10 men, which can be a disadvantage or an inspiration. I'm guessing T&T
will get an emotional lift, because they are a dynamite team, but the
closing minutes out of exhaustion give up a late winner for Sweden.

(45 minutes later)

UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE. The Soca Warriors hold on with 10 men against the
Fish for a 0-0 draw and a point in their first ever World Cup game.
Sweden apparently has this weird record going where they've lost or tied
their first game every world cup since 1958. This is a nice bit of
evidence for the claim that many Americans have been making, that
CONCACAF is not nearly so weak as people imagine. A great result for
T&T and for Leo Beenhakker (whose accomplishments include winning
Euro'88 as coach of the Netherlands and succeeding Alan Greenspan as
Federal Reserve Chairman) to make their mark early. The record of
Caribbean nations in the WC Finals has now improved to 4 points
(1-1-5). There's sure going to be one hell of a party in Port of Spain
tonight.

What's incredible is Sweden really blew such a stunning number of great
chances, a lot of which was down to Shaka Hislop turning into fucking
Batman, that with a little luck or a slightly worse keeper they could
have won 5-0. Some of Zlatan Ibrahimovic's shots looked like he was
auditioning for the Swedish-language version of Shaolin Soccer, when
he'd take a cross of his chest then lean back into a funky spin kick;
the guy looked just lethal. And now he's probably pissed off, so in his
next game against Paraguay he may take Aldo Bobadilla's head clean off.
I'd expect Sweden to score a lot more in the next couple games, but on
the other hand, last WC France had the leading strikers of three of
Europe's biggest leagues, and after they put everything off the posts
and the crossbar in their first game, everybody chalked it up to bad
luck and figured they'd finish better in the next couple games, but they
didn't score a goal in the entire tournament.

BTW, which joke was worse, the Swedish Fish, T&T are dynamite, or Leo
Beenhakker/Ben Bernanke?

England - Paraguay

England 1-0 Paraguay

The first highlight came in the third minute by Michael Owen. David
Beckham took a beautiful and nasty free kick (from way out) right to
Michael Owen's head, but intercepted by Carlos Gamarra, who tried to
clear but misheaded it down where it took a nasty bounce in front of the
keeper and went in. So it was an own goal by Gamarra, but Michael Owen
starts waving his arms and accepting celebratory pats on the head (he's
a small fry) like he's just scored. He did run and join the pile on
Beckham, so it may be uncharitable to describe him as claiming credit,
but it is a lot funnier. Admittedly not as funny as the comparison of
England's star-studded team to the Real Madrid "Galacticos" era when
they bought an aging superstar every year, which is a really odd
reference since the English Galacticos (Owen and Beckham) did nothing on
the field, although Beckham at least sold a lot of knock-off #23 jerseys
in China. There's a definite theme of misapplying credit developing
too, as Marcello Balboa just complimented England's sportsmanship in
putting the ball out of play to allow an injured Paraguayan player to
get treatment, even though Paraguay kicked the ball out of bounds
themselves (England threw the ball back in to Paraguay, which was
sportsmanlike).

This team is arguably the best England has fielded since the 80s, so
their excuse if they lose will probably top Brazil's France'98 "Killer
Virus" bit... seriously though, they didn't win their group, weren't
dominating against Denmark or Holland, and then when they lose to France
in Paris it was clearly the work of a virus that strikes overrated
football teams without warning. To be fair the source of my bitterness
is Patrick Kluivert missing the sitter against Brazil in '98 and 2
penalties in '00 that denied the world a full-strength France-Holland
game when they were both peaking. (Maybe they should have put a car
with a case of whiskey and a naked 14 year old in it behind the net.)

There's also a theme developing in the three games I've seen, where the
Europeans are really hamming it up and working the refs. So far it's
only the euros doing that really prissy yellow card gesture, putting
their hands up to call offsides (saving the linesmen the trouble), and
cartwheeling or going limp like they've been hit with a cattle prod when
somebody makes contact. To be fair, I did just see Beckham get serious
hang time when his legs were swept out from under him at thigh level
right as he was following through on a long pass, so some of it is
real. Peter Crouch slumping like he got hit with the Vulcan neck pinch
because he got beat out for a header from behind is a bit much though.
England is making the case for why that's caught on in Europe though
with the constant studs-up flying karate kicks. At least 7 fouls called
on Peter Crouch alone, and he's a striker for god's sake. At one point
Steven Gerrard completely missed both leg and ball with a wild dive into
a studs-up sliding tackle, and as the Paraguayan player who had just
released the ball jumped out of his way with a confused look, Gerrard
leaps up in a panic and wildly throws himself at another player with one
foot aimed at the ball and the other at the guy's knee, and can't figure
out why he gets a yellow card. This is why Manu Petit (aka My Little
Pony), after leaving Arsenal, described them as confusing fighting
spirit with actual fighting.

Here's my solution to the problem of European cynicism in soccer: trade
it for basketball. Basically we have similar problems in the NBA as in
the top European leagues, that greed and cynicism have squeezed all the
fun out of the game, with time-outs being called every time an NBA game
gets exciting, endless one-on-one isolations, professional fouls, and in
Europe 10 men behind the ball, bunker down and tentatively wait for a
mistake, hard fouling encouraging diving and games being decided on set
pieces really make both games suffer. I think we just need to trade
games for a few years, and then maybe we can come back to it and figure
out what we liked in the first place. Because it sure wasn't Karl
Malone launching himself backwards and sliding 20 feet across the floor
because a 185 pound point guard bumped him and he wants to stop the
clock and shoot free throws, nor was it having some journeyman from a
relegation bound team during some meaningless game rip Francesco Totti's
leg off and beat him with it to keep him from getting a shot off. The
exception is France, they were the only team in the world with the
gigantic balls to send the whole team forward in situations where the
rest of the world played not to lose (France scored 3 golden goals
before anybody else had 1) and Henry and Trezeguet were the only ones
able to laugh it off when they kept hitting the goalposts and the
crossbar in the last World Cup.

That's my proposal, anyways. And don't call and tell me the score of
the Sweden-Trinidad or Argentina-Cote d'Ivoire games.

World Cup Day One

So far just action in Group A

One thing I can't stress enough for anybody watching the World Cup, when
watching soccer don't take anything the commentators say too seriously.
For instance, ESPN's commentators for the Germany-Costa Rica game
(Marcello Balboa and Some Other Guy) couldn't decide if Germany
dominated or Costa Rica imploded. Given that comment, you'd expect some
sort of blow-out win by Germany, not a 4-2 win in which they looked in
serious danger of giving up a draw until the last few minutes. Four
goals is great, but they won't be playing any more games against Costa
Rica's horrible defense. Seriously, the Ticos defenders just stood and
watched half the goals, with my favorite being the guy whose sole
contribution to one play was to jog down the far side of the field and
play a striker onside.

Poland's defenders in JSK'02 were nicknamed "The Terracotta Warriors"
for being slow, and their Deutschland'06 line-up are similarly slow as
hell, and compound it by defending a really high line with a flat-back
four, leaving a ton of space behind them for anybody with speed.
Ecuador exploited that weakness nicely in a 2-0 win, and stymied the
Poles pretty well defensively. They look like the class of the group
after the first day. Another "don't listen to ESPN" moment though, as
they kept getting into tangents about England the whole game, apparently
oblivious to the fact that the game is being broadcast in America, where
we have a party coming up to celebrate throwing England out at
gunpoint. Which is why I'm rooting for France, because of the debt of
honor to General LaFayette.

Ecuador looks like a lock to make it out of the group, and Germany has
to be a heavy favorite as well. Unless Poland can beat Germany at home
or the Ticos can upset Ecuador, both of which are unlikely, the third
game between Germany and Ecuador is going to be for the group lead. I
do think Costa Rica is more than capable of scoring enough goals to play
spoiler, and Poland might wake up and take points off of Germany, and
both games were entertaining, so this should still be interesting.
Group A plays off against Group B (England, Paraguay, Sweden, Trinidad &
Tobago). Winning the group does mean avoiding Brazil until the final.

Also, to the person who called me from England during the England game,
I'm obviously not going to take that call until I've watched the game
(up next on my tivo).

Gidoummaboof

Dark booth
porn on the screen
some guy wants his dick sucked
poking it through the glory hole
Frenchy's!

The Inevitability of Violence

Now is this golden crown like a deep well
That owes two buckets, filling one another;
The emptier ever dancing in the air,
The other down, unseen, and full of water.

I was just thinking about the inevitability of violence in the modern world, or at least the extent to which it makes its presence felt. There are all the fears and preparations, decisions made under the weight of the threat of Iranian nuclear weapons, neighborhood crime statistics, terrorists with bombs in their shoes, but I didn't really realize until Wednesday what I'm really afraid of. Whenever Al Qaeda comes to get me, or the Iranian nuclear suitcase bomb, or a giant tornado, or the ever growing army of the undead I'm fairly sure one of my ex-girlfriends is raising in the pacific northwest (you have no idea how scared I am of that girl), I can accept that.

The guy who really scares me, who I will definitely change my life to avoid, is not Osama bin Laden, or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, or George W. Bush (commonly called a terrorist) or anybody you've heard of. It's the guy I met on the way to the Twins-Indians game (the Twins lost 11-0, but while Brad Radke's current form may be frightening, I'm not changing my life to avoid him either). No, I met a guy on the bus. Who hefted his bag and announced to me he'd just bought a new machete. Because he'd watched the most recent video footage on the internet of a man getting his hand cut off (from Pakistan, I think?) and it gave him some ideas about "some motherfuckers he had to take care of". This was before he started in on our ethnic backgrounds, and the crimes that I as a representative of all white people throughout human history, had perpetrated against his people and him personally. He backed off a bit when I told him my people didn't actually live in this country when most of the damage was done, so hopefully he found some descendants of Jamestown settlers to go machete or something, or at least the driver of a Mayflower moving truck.

Oh, and when he got on the bus, a lot of black people had to get off, which he loudly protested was "discrimination", apparently putting no weight on the fact that we'd arrived in transit hub and they were obviously changing to a different bus. The bus driver also knew the guy by name, and didn't push the point when the guy didn't pay his fare (didn't want to get his hand cut off, obviously). So I for damn sure won't be riding the #14 bus for a while, even if the #7 pulls up with Slobodan Milosevic driving (he's not dead, he's just out in Den Haag having a pancake and a shmoke).

(PS - that's Richard II, Act IV, Scene i... READ A BOOK!)

The Da Vinci Code (no spoilers)

This was nothing short of a murderous assault on my attention span. There are several problems with this movie, some of which I hope result from one obvious source, which is-- OH MY GOD A GIANT TRUCK IS COMING! Now that the truck is gone, let me move on without finishing my point. One key factor in making this movie boring was the inclusion of boring characters. There are several extremely charismatic actors in this movie but of course only supporting characters with few lines get any character development... actually this may be a good time for me to strip naked and whip myself for a moment... owww... owww... owww... and the protagonist is the most boring-- OH MY GOD A CRAZED ALBINO IS ATTACKING! Okay, he seems to have gone, so let's talk about the puzzles. Here's the thing, when they're flashed up for a half second and then Tom Hanks and Audrey Tatou explain them to you, it's not as intellectually stimulating as when you read them in a book, and these are all fairly run of the mill. Watching Tom Hanks solve anagrams on a pad of paper is sort of-- OH NO THE ALBINO IS BACK TO INTERRUPT ME AGAIN! There's also a problem with the Scooby Doo rule in this movie, when a scene is filmed in such a way as to create a mystery, but stays so long that you remember there's really only one possible answer to the question raised by the GOD WILL THIS ALBINO EVER LEAVE ME ALONE? HE'S BACK AGAIN! What's funny is there's a chase scene early on that's so badly filmed... did you guys know I'm claustrophobic? I don't know if I told you... oh shit I think I see the albino... false alarm. So anyways, there's a chase scene, and a scene of Audrey helping Tom relax, and... owww... owww... (just whipping my naked body again) owww... the one that's by far the most hair-raising is not the action sequence but rather the relaxation techniques scene with THE ALBINO'S HANDS ON YOUR SHOULDERS READY TO STRANGLE YOU!

I tried to approximate with this review the experience of seeing the film, which drew a LOT of yawns in between hyperactive albino attacks and albino whipping scenes strategically filmed to hide the albino's junk (that give the impression he has no penis or testicles). The film's biggest problem is not that everything has been done before and done better, or that it's derivative or reminiscent of superior films and novels. The problem is it feels like it's aimed at people who never saw (or read) the Name of the Rose, or even for the action sequences Ronin, the Bourne Identity/Supremacy or like, any Luc Besson film, or tried but found that sort of European nonsense inaccessible. About 10 minutes in I realized this wasn't even the best movie I've seen with Jean Reno and an evil monk (that would be the sequel to Crimson Rivers where the superhuman monk is actually pretty freaky). Who knew you could put Jean Reno, Alfred Molina, Audrey Tatou, Paul Bettany, and Ian McKellen in a Tom Hanks movie and come up with this garbage. (There may still be hope for The Da Vinci Load, though.)

Miami Vice vs Alias

Just wanted to revisit this topic briefly and add a couple more reasons why I keep maintaining Alias is a 20 year update of Miami Vice. (I was reminded when a character on Alias actually praised Miami Vice as his favorite thing about American television.)

1. Both shows heavily feature famous guest stars, from Quentin Tarantino to G. Gordon Liddy. In the case of Miami Vice, a lot of the episodes feature then unknown actors who later turned out to be more famous than anybody actually starring on the show, like "Larry" Fishburne and Bruce Willis.

2. The distinctive use of color, bright primary colors on Alias in contrast to Miami Vice's pastels, like the green lit alley where Vaughn debriefed Sydney when she was undercover, and Lt. Castillo's pale green office.

3. Very prominent use of a wide range of popular music from, often going back to the same eras. And occasionally the same song: in "Definitely Miami" a woman lures Crockett into a trap by cavorting around in a royal blue bathing suit, in "Double Agent", Sydney saunters out of the pool in her royal blue bathing suit to lure a somebody into a trap, both times to the same Ted Nugent song.

4. Michael Vartan's permanent 5 o'clock shadow is a clear homage to Sonny Crockett.

5. On Alias, Dixon's undercover roles were always Jamaican or African, and really hammered it home by having him ostentatiously dress the part. On Miami Vice, when Tubbs went undercover he was usually Jamaican, but made the occasional foray into South African revolutionary.

6. At least through the first couple seasons of Alias (and I've only seen the first two and a half), Sydney was living 24-7 undercover and constantly dealt with the resulting strain on her life. Crockett went home at night to his 24-7 cover as drug dealer "Sonny Burnett", who lived on a sailboat and drove a ferrari. On both shows, this situation strained credibility, as for instance nobody ever noticed that Sonny Burnett, who had a Florida Gators mascot living on his boat, looked a lot like college football star James "Sonny" Crockett, and he arrested like 1,000 people without blowing his cover in Miami.

7. Vaughn and Crockett both had a chubby guy they called in for back-up (Weiss and Switek).

8. The mystery surrounding Sydney's parents (and her surrogate parents the Sloanes) and their involvement with the KGB, CIA, Covenant, Alliance, etc, mirror Lt. Castillo's hazy past in the DEA and CIA and his connections to every single federal agency.

9. Sonny loses his attempt at reconciliation with his first wife when the villain of the pilot, Calderone, comes back and tries to kill his family, while Sydney loses her fiance in the pilot to Arvin Sloane. Rico's brother, the mother of his child, and possibly his infant son are also murdered by another member of the Calderone family (special guest star John Leguizamo). Sonny's second wife is murdered by somebody he let off of death row, and the only person who didn't lie to Sydney at every turn growing up (Emily Sloane) is murdered by the guy who keeps getting away, Sark. These are definitely people you don't want to get too close to.

10. At the end of season 4 and beginning of season 5, Miami Vice went through the "Dark Crockett" episodes, where Sonny Crockett, reeling emotionally from losing is wife (and his premeditated revenge on her murderer), is knocked unconscious by an explosion and is revived by drug dealers he was pursuing, who know him as his alter ego Sonny Burnett. Crockett has amnesia, and everything around him says he's drug dealer Sonny Burnett, so he adopts that persona, and commits several murders and buys a panther for his girlfriend during his rise to the top of a drug cartel. At the end of season 2 and beginning of season 3 of Alias, Sydney deals with the aftermath of amnesia and the loss of her lover, having lived 2 years as the assassin Julia Thorn. Neither made a whole lot of sense, and both wrap up a little too neatly. However, the tragic lack of a "That's the closet where I keep my man-eating panther" scene really hurt the Sydney's amnesia arc on Alias.

ROOOOOONEY!!!

Sven-Goran Eriksson released his 23 man squad for the World Cup, with some controversy surrounding his choice of strikers. So far he's taking:

Michael Owen (New Castle United)
Wayne Rooney (Manchester Roooooney-nited)
Peter Crouch (Liverpool)
Theo Walcott (Arsenal)

Wayne Rooney most likely will be replaced due to injury, leaving Owen, Crouch, and a kid from Arsenal who's only played for England's youth teams. It even gets better, since it turns out Eriksson called him up without ever meeting him, on the basis of video tape of a couple goals he scored for the under-19s. So he's not going to see a lot of action, neither is Rooney, so not a lot of depth for Ingerland up front. One theory is he doesn't want a whole bunch of veterans competing for playing time and destroying the chemistry of the team, and would rather blood youngsters, like Brazil did with Pele in 1958, France played some young players in '98 who helped win the Euro in 2000. Also, the theory goes, if you use all 23 players, you've had so many injuries (or are otherwise in such a desperate straits that you'll try anything) that you're not going to be winning the world cup anyways. The exception that proves the rule is Aime Jacquet playing all 23 members of his squad serious minutes in '98 and then jumping up and down on Brazil in the final... but when France tried their third string playmaker in 2002, they went home early. So England won't be worse off for having Walcott be the 23rd man called up, but still, I can't even remember the last time I saw Michael Owen in a game, and I love Peter Crouch, but I'll be surprised if a guy who moves like Lurch from the Addams Family does well at the World Cup.

So in any case I'd get ready for four years of "But if Rooney had been healthy...", as once again, a twist of fate keeps England from their second trophy... in '98 it was Beckham being sent off in the 2nd round, in '02 it was Ronaldinho's "fluke" goal in the quarterfinal, in '94... oh wait, no excuse for that one. Meanwhile, in the depths of hypocrisy, I'll be crafting my "the sun was in Brian Ching's eyes, if that cloud hadn't moved when it did, the whole tournament would have been different" excuse for why the US didn't capitalize on their 52% chance* of making the second round.

*-using special Wall Street math, where 52% probability does not actually mean 52 times out of a hundred.

Vikings Draft

Going into the 2006 draft with 5 day one picks, this looked like it was going to be an exciting day. So far, by most accounts it was a little confusing and disappointing, and the guy who ran it was fired almost immediately afterwards. The consensus by the draft experts was that the Vikings drafted players earlier than they were projected, which means they left highly rated players on the board, but nobody really knows how things would have shaken out. We definitely needed a quarterback, linebackers, offensive linemen, a runningback, and here's what we got:

First Round:
Chad Greenway, Iowa linebacker
Solid but unexciting choice, he's a talented guy that fills the biggest need, bolstering pretty dismal play at linebacker the last few years.

Second Round:
Cedric Griffin, Texas cornerback
Supposedly this guy's good, and I can't remember who the Vikings are losing in the defensive backfield. Anybody who prevents returning to the horrid late 90s Twilight Zone defense is alright.

Ryan Cook, New Mexico center
Cook can play any position on the offensive line, projects to right tackle, and hopefully is enough of a beast to improve the running game, especially inside. This may have been a reach, but it doesn't seem as clear cut as say using a first round pick on Dimitrius Underwood.

Tardis Jackson, Alabama State quarterback
That's right, we traded both our third round picks to move up... but it was worth it because we got the TARDIS! The only downside on this guy is he's raw and needs to significantly improve his technique for the pros, possibly a project for several years. On the plus side, he's strong, a scrambler, accurate all over the field, can travel in time, and unlike recent Vikings franchise QBs, looks away from his intended targets. And apparently the groaning noise when he throws is made by dragging a board across piano strings.

Fourth Round:
Ray Edwards, Purdue defensive end
Apparently this guy has the talent, the size, and the speed to be making big plays, but he strangely lacks the motivation to do so. I would think the 4th round is a bit early for such a headcase, but if the guy likes the pros better than he does Purdue, we'll see what happens.

Fifth Round:
Greg Blue, Georgia safety
According to reports, this guy's a really great safety, and can play either strong or free safety, until it comes time to make a tackle, when he completely falls apart and screws up. In other words, he'll fit right in with the Vikings secondary.

Our first two picks are solid but not exciting, and our last three will live and die with the coaching staff, because they need a lot of work. This could really go either way, but it's better than all the times we took receivers whose speed was supposed to compensate for the fact that they couldn't run routes or catch. Which brings up the far more relevant question, how will last year's class improve the team now that they've had a year in the pros?

Troy Williamson is still a receiver who can't catch (at #7 overall), but Erasmus James should contribute at defensive end, and Marcus Johnson better help the offensive line. God only knows what happened to Dustin Fox, who I think got injured, and Ciatrick Fason didn't accomplish much as a short yardage back, but maybe a better line will help, but maybe he can start to block on passing plays this year. So basically last year's class helping improve the team comes down to how good Erasmus James turns out to be.

From 2004, a seasoned Kenechi Udeze (and the previously mentioned Erasmus James) could make for a much better defensive line, and maybe opposing QBs won't get the full 8 minutes to throw. Dontarrious Thomas and Darrion Scott add depth but there's not much expectation of drastic improvement, rounding out the first day picks. Apparently we traded Nat Dorsey for a center, so no help there. Mewelde Moore could make this his year to clean the cobwebs out of his head and dramatically improve the running game, since he clearly has the talent, but somehow I doubt it.

From 2003, Kevin Williams is still a force, but EJ Henderson seems unlikely to develop into the middle linebacker the team desperately needs. Nate Burleson is gone, Onterrio Smith is playing in Canada, and beyond that it's just special teams depth.

So looking back a few years, not a lot of young talent poised to have their big year, other than maybe an improved defensive line, and maybe having Greenway and actual linebacker coaches will improve a lot of the young, physically talented linebackers who haven't panned out so far, so maybe the defense will improve. The offensive line may also be better for another year together, making a more consistent offense. But really only the first round picks have been productive (mostly). So there may actually be a case for the Vikings not drafting well, I don't know, I'm just a goof in a helga hat.

And I know it says Tarvaris Jackson on his driver's license, but to me he's the Tardis, damnit.