Timberwolves acquire Eddy Curry's penis

The Timberwolves basically got involved as a middle-man in the long-rumored Carmelo to New York  trade, notably giving up Corey Brewer to acquire Anthony Randolph and possibly include Eddy Curry’s penis as part of the worst half-time promotion ever. The Wolves involvement does have me asking myself a few questions about the team and its strategy so this goes on for a bit, but feel free to skip to the end if you just want to know why I keep bringing up Eddy Curry’s penis.

Question #1: Is David Khan an idiot, or does he have a plan?

I don’t think David Khan has a vision for what this team is going to be, but I do think he has a plan. And that plan is to basically get his owner through the impending lock-out. Immediately before the last lock-out the Wolves handed Kevin Garnett the biggest contract in the history of team sports and when the new collective bargaining agreement introduced a maximum figure for contracts it made the Wolves one of only four teams stuck with a crippling mega-contract. That contract, along with the need to at least try and negotiate contract extensions or trades for both Marbury and Gugliotta before they could turn to any other business, absolutely killed the Wolves, and the ensuing years of paralysis all go back to that contract and the fall-out of decisions made in that shortened post-lockout off- season.

This time will be different: except for rookie Lazar Hayward everybody worth keeping is signed through next season so after the lock-out Khan won’t spend a shortened off-season negotiating with his own free agents. He’ll have significant cap room, final year contracts, and plenty of free time to use chasing players if the NBA landscape shakes up again. Looking ahead to the summer of 2012, the first full off-season after the lock-out, the Wolves will have only three mid-level free agents under contract, three restricted free agents and four team options, plus a couple players stashed in Europe. At this point the only potential unrestricted free agents that summer are two versatile forwards who might provide depth (Hayward and Tolliver).

In his bizarre flurry of trades Khan has put a premium on versatility and potential, putting together a swiss-army knife that sadly has no structure, but it’s also a team with no superstar in a star-driven league, waiting for someone to emerge who would set the team’s identity. When they do find an alpha dog (and maybe they have in Kevin Love) I can only hope Khan has actually been preparing for it by acquiring players who will mold their games around a future superstar rather than clash with him.

The quest for versatility and front-office freedom after the lock-out sort of explain trading away Al Jefferson, the only long-term contract signed by the rebuilding Wolves, and a player who required a system built around him. The only long-term contracts are mid-level deals given to a point-guard (Ridnour) and the two centers, but those are the most specialized positions in basketball and it’s essential to have a veteran ball-handler and a couple big guys on the bench. And if Khan is sitting tight until there’s a new CBA, it explains sitting on a trade exemption (from the Jefferson trade) and just letting Curry’s contract expire rather than trying to do a deal with a cap-tied team.

So maybe Khan’s not a total idiot, or at least we won’t know until we see his post-lockout strategy. On the other hand he hasn’t shown any improvement in the Wolves 20-year legacy of blowing draft picks on players not named Kevin. But one interesting thing in all Khan’s flurry of trades is the few times he’s gotten a potential something for basically nothing, like rolling the dice on Beasley for a couple 2^nd-rounders or getting Anthony Randolph for Corey Brewer. Plus the Mayo-Love trade was looking pretty good recently after Mayo got suspended for using steroids and Love got into the All-Star Game. It doesn’t always work, like I still don’t know where that Aboriginal guy disappeared to.

Question #2: So what’s the net result of the trades?

The Wolves get to roll the dice on Anthony Randolph who is young enough to have potential, and versatile enough to keep from stifling anybody else’s development. He also could continue to underwhelm and never put on the weight to be an NBA big man. But we add him to a front-court that includes oddball forwards Kevin Love and Michael Beasley and just hope a couple of them can do something special together.

We swap the mountainous Eddy Curry for the young and raw Kosta Koufos as our 3^rd center. Not really a big change, but having Curry’s expiring contract (and his penis) on the end of the bench may open up a bit more playing time for other big men, and a change of scenery did wonders for Darko so maybe Curry will lose that nagging 30 extra pounds and rediscover his love of basketball. And the mid-2^nd round draft pick we got for Koufos may liven up the end of the bench next year.

The Wolves lose the services of Corey Brewer, a mediocre player with basically no offensive skills whose rail-thin physique seriously limited his match-ups. On the other hand, he was a tenacious defender who came up with a lot of steals on a team that desperately needs some perimeter defense. Ultimately, any void left by Brewer’s departure is something Webster and Johnson really should step up and fill. I like Corey, but only his smile will be missed.

Question #3: So they still suck, but can they really improve?

Love is having a break-out season, and the Wolves are essentially a collection of young players with potential, so they could definitely improve from within. They’re headed to the draft lottery, and the ping-pong balls can’t screw us every time (right?) so the Wolves should have a high draft pick to shake things up and at least one mid-round pick to keep adding depth (if Memphis or Denver make the play-offs we get their picks). Unfortunately those players will be chosen by the Timberwolves front office. And down the road, the Wolves do still have Ricky Rubio and a couple other European prospects to check up on in a couple years when their contract buy-outs come up. But really, I think it’s going to be at least another year before there’s anything new and exciting about the Wolves besides Eddy Curry’s penis.

Question #4: What’s the deal with Eddy Curry’s penis?

I keep mentioning Eddy Curry’s penis because he (allegedly) made it a matter of public record when his driver sued him for (allegedly) making it the center-piece of a really clumsy appeal for gay sex (allegedly)*. He claimed Curry would approach him naked, pleading with him “Look at it… just look at it. Come on, touch it!” This has me thinking perhaps I know why Curry put on weight and stopped trying for the Knicks, because if I know New York sports fans once this story broke there had to be at least one person at every game shouting “Look at it! Touch it!” whenever Curry displayed his manly prowess by fighting somebody off for a rebound or dunking over somebody, and I think that would really kill the joy of the game for anyone. Fortunately that’s unlikely to happen in Minnesota (only because I can’t afford tickets close enough to the court for that).

Considering his driver’s other complaint, that Curry would masturbate into towels and then leave his cum-rags around for his driver to collect, I may be a bit glad not to sit too close to Curry’s seat on the end of the bench, because every time he threw a towel up around his shoulders I’d be whipping my hand up to shield my eyes from whatever came flying off it. And I’m definitely getting up to go to the bathroom when the cheerleaders start throwing t-shirts into the crowd, because if those white shirts have been sitting in the tunnel next to the bench while a bored Eddy Curry tries to figure out how to pass the first 47 minutes of the game I definitely do not want one. I hope somebody tells him getting to play in “garbage time” doesn’t mean he should pull out his “junk”.

*-I’m not worried Curry will sue me (nobody’s reading this) but at 300+ pounds I’m worried he might eat me (allegedly).