Dear Old Man Talking Loudly on his iPhone,

When you approach me talking on your surprisingly discreet iPhone microphone and earpiece, it's a bit confusing when you LOOK ME RIGHT IN THE EYE and tell me all about how you just wanted to check in with me and admit that you were overthinking things. With the glassy-eyed look and nearly empty cup of wine in your hand, talking nonsense directly at total strangers and meandering aimlessly, it really looks like the kids took Grampa out for a night at the theater, but you snuck away at intermission for a glass of wine and couldn't find your way back. I feel that I could also reasonably note that the fact that you won't pause to draw breath for fear of letting the person on the other end of the phone interrupt your monologging about the strange salespeople at the Apple Store (believe me I understand) does also contribute to the whole crazy man who's decided the lobby is a good place to talk to his imaginary friend or rehearse his one man show "Get Off My Lawn!" . So please, don't do that. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Rufus