To answer a question about the Rainforest Cafe

The answer is no. Hell no. A thousand times no. No no no no no no no. Mother#$*@'ing no I was not trying to eat at the Rainforest cafe in the Loop. I have never eaten at any Rainforest cafe, a decision I made when I was a kid and one opened at the Mall of America, because of their facade: a big exotic jungle full of bright colored animals including, of all the animals in the world, a giraffe and a lion.

Consider if you will the nature of a rain forest, with its heavy canopy and lush vegetation, and ask yourself... what about that situation would bring about an evolutionary adaptation like being bright yellow so you're easy to spot in the dim light, being huge and having long legs so you keep tripping over shit and getting clotheslined by low-hanging branches? A long neck is useful in the savanna, an area defined by the sparseness of it's canopy of trees, in order to reach scarce green vegetation and for greater visibility, less useful with thick trees in every direction. A long neck might help you surprise the fuck out of a jaguar lurking on a tree branch when you pop up your head up next to him like the periscope off the Yellow Submarine, but one swipe of her claws would probably make that a lot less funny from the giraffe's perspective.

Now I know what you're going to say, what about the temperate rain forests, like in the Pacific Northwest? Well, Lafcadio (the lion who shot back) aside, have you ever seen a lion riding the monorail through downtown Seattle, sipping a macchiato and growling at panhandlers? No you haven't, and I assure you this is a perfectly valid counterargument, despite the fact that the monorail doesn't even run anymore (too many lion attacks).

So no, I was not trying to eat at the Rainforest Cafe in the Loop. I would not go there for steak, I would not go there for soup. No, I do not like to go, Nobo.