The Inevitability of Violence

Now is this golden crown like a deep well
That owes two buckets, filling one another;
The emptier ever dancing in the air,
The other down, unseen, and full of water.

I was just thinking about the inevitability of violence in the modern world, or at least the extent to which it makes its presence felt. There are all the fears and preparations, decisions made under the weight of the threat of Iranian nuclear weapons, neighborhood crime statistics, terrorists with bombs in their shoes, but I didn't really realize until Wednesday what I'm really afraid of. Whenever Al Qaeda comes to get me, or the Iranian nuclear suitcase bomb, or a giant tornado, or the ever growing army of the undead I'm fairly sure one of my ex-girlfriends is raising in the pacific northwest (you have no idea how scared I am of that girl), I can accept that.

The guy who really scares me, who I will definitely change my life to avoid, is not Osama bin Laden, or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, or George W. Bush (commonly called a terrorist) or anybody you've heard of. It's the guy I met on the way to the Twins-Indians game (the Twins lost 11-0, but while Brad Radke's current form may be frightening, I'm not changing my life to avoid him either). No, I met a guy on the bus. Who hefted his bag and announced to me he'd just bought a new machete. Because he'd watched the most recent video footage on the internet of a man getting his hand cut off (from Pakistan, I think?) and it gave him some ideas about "some motherfuckers he had to take care of". This was before he started in on our ethnic backgrounds, and the crimes that I as a representative of all white people throughout human history, had perpetrated against his people and him personally. He backed off a bit when I told him my people didn't actually live in this country when most of the damage was done, so hopefully he found some descendants of Jamestown settlers to go machete or something, or at least the driver of a Mayflower moving truck.

Oh, and when he got on the bus, a lot of black people had to get off, which he loudly protested was "discrimination", apparently putting no weight on the fact that we'd arrived in transit hub and they were obviously changing to a different bus. The bus driver also knew the guy by name, and didn't push the point when the guy didn't pay his fare (didn't want to get his hand cut off, obviously). So I for damn sure won't be riding the #14 bus for a while, even if the #7 pulls up with Slobodan Milosevic driving (he's not dead, he's just out in Den Haag having a pancake and a shmoke).

(PS - that's Richard II, Act IV, Scene i... READ A BOOK!)

The Da Vinci Code (no spoilers)

This was nothing short of a murderous assault on my attention span. There are several problems with this movie, some of which I hope result from one obvious source, which is-- OH MY GOD A GIANT TRUCK IS COMING! Now that the truck is gone, let me move on without finishing my point. One key factor in making this movie boring was the inclusion of boring characters. There are several extremely charismatic actors in this movie but of course only supporting characters with few lines get any character development... actually this may be a good time for me to strip naked and whip myself for a moment... owww... owww... owww... and the protagonist is the most boring-- OH MY GOD A CRAZED ALBINO IS ATTACKING! Okay, he seems to have gone, so let's talk about the puzzles. Here's the thing, when they're flashed up for a half second and then Tom Hanks and Audrey Tatou explain them to you, it's not as intellectually stimulating as when you read them in a book, and these are all fairly run of the mill. Watching Tom Hanks solve anagrams on a pad of paper is sort of-- OH NO THE ALBINO IS BACK TO INTERRUPT ME AGAIN! There's also a problem with the Scooby Doo rule in this movie, when a scene is filmed in such a way as to create a mystery, but stays so long that you remember there's really only one possible answer to the question raised by the GOD WILL THIS ALBINO EVER LEAVE ME ALONE? HE'S BACK AGAIN! What's funny is there's a chase scene early on that's so badly filmed... did you guys know I'm claustrophobic? I don't know if I told you... oh shit I think I see the albino... false alarm. So anyways, there's a chase scene, and a scene of Audrey helping Tom relax, and... owww... owww... (just whipping my naked body again) owww... the one that's by far the most hair-raising is not the action sequence but rather the relaxation techniques scene with THE ALBINO'S HANDS ON YOUR SHOULDERS READY TO STRANGLE YOU!

I tried to approximate with this review the experience of seeing the film, which drew a LOT of yawns in between hyperactive albino attacks and albino whipping scenes strategically filmed to hide the albino's junk (that give the impression he has no penis or testicles). The film's biggest problem is not that everything has been done before and done better, or that it's derivative or reminiscent of superior films and novels. The problem is it feels like it's aimed at people who never saw (or read) the Name of the Rose, or even for the action sequences Ronin, the Bourne Identity/Supremacy or like, any Luc Besson film, or tried but found that sort of European nonsense inaccessible. About 10 minutes in I realized this wasn't even the best movie I've seen with Jean Reno and an evil monk (that would be the sequel to Crimson Rivers where the superhuman monk is actually pretty freaky). Who knew you could put Jean Reno, Alfred Molina, Audrey Tatou, Paul Bettany, and Ian McKellen in a Tom Hanks movie and come up with this garbage. (There may still be hope for The Da Vinci Load, though.)

Miami Vice vs Alias

Just wanted to revisit this topic briefly and add a couple more reasons why I keep maintaining Alias is a 20 year update of Miami Vice. (I was reminded when a character on Alias actually praised Miami Vice as his favorite thing about American television.)

1. Both shows heavily feature famous guest stars, from Quentin Tarantino to G. Gordon Liddy. In the case of Miami Vice, a lot of the episodes feature then unknown actors who later turned out to be more famous than anybody actually starring on the show, like "Larry" Fishburne and Bruce Willis.

2. The distinctive use of color, bright primary colors on Alias in contrast to Miami Vice's pastels, like the green lit alley where Vaughn debriefed Sydney when she was undercover, and Lt. Castillo's pale green office.

3. Very prominent use of a wide range of popular music from, often going back to the same eras. And occasionally the same song: in "Definitely Miami" a woman lures Crockett into a trap by cavorting around in a royal blue bathing suit, in "Double Agent", Sydney saunters out of the pool in her royal blue bathing suit to lure a somebody into a trap, both times to the same Ted Nugent song.

4. Michael Vartan's permanent 5 o'clock shadow is a clear homage to Sonny Crockett.

5. On Alias, Dixon's undercover roles were always Jamaican or African, and really hammered it home by having him ostentatiously dress the part. On Miami Vice, when Tubbs went undercover he was usually Jamaican, but made the occasional foray into South African revolutionary.

6. At least through the first couple seasons of Alias (and I've only seen the first two and a half), Sydney was living 24-7 undercover and constantly dealt with the resulting strain on her life. Crockett went home at night to his 24-7 cover as drug dealer "Sonny Burnett", who lived on a sailboat and drove a ferrari. On both shows, this situation strained credibility, as for instance nobody ever noticed that Sonny Burnett, who had a Florida Gators mascot living on his boat, looked a lot like college football star James "Sonny" Crockett, and he arrested like 1,000 people without blowing his cover in Miami.

7. Vaughn and Crockett both had a chubby guy they called in for back-up (Weiss and Switek).

8. The mystery surrounding Sydney's parents (and her surrogate parents the Sloanes) and their involvement with the KGB, CIA, Covenant, Alliance, etc, mirror Lt. Castillo's hazy past in the DEA and CIA and his connections to every single federal agency.

9. Sonny loses his attempt at reconciliation with his first wife when the villain of the pilot, Calderone, comes back and tries to kill his family, while Sydney loses her fiance in the pilot to Arvin Sloane. Rico's brother, the mother of his child, and possibly his infant son are also murdered by another member of the Calderone family (special guest star John Leguizamo). Sonny's second wife is murdered by somebody he let off of death row, and the only person who didn't lie to Sydney at every turn growing up (Emily Sloane) is murdered by the guy who keeps getting away, Sark. These are definitely people you don't want to get too close to.

10. At the end of season 4 and beginning of season 5, Miami Vice went through the "Dark Crockett" episodes, where Sonny Crockett, reeling emotionally from losing is wife (and his premeditated revenge on her murderer), is knocked unconscious by an explosion and is revived by drug dealers he was pursuing, who know him as his alter ego Sonny Burnett. Crockett has amnesia, and everything around him says he's drug dealer Sonny Burnett, so he adopts that persona, and commits several murders and buys a panther for his girlfriend during his rise to the top of a drug cartel. At the end of season 2 and beginning of season 3 of Alias, Sydney deals with the aftermath of amnesia and the loss of her lover, having lived 2 years as the assassin Julia Thorn. Neither made a whole lot of sense, and both wrap up a little too neatly. However, the tragic lack of a "That's the closet where I keep my man-eating panther" scene really hurt the Sydney's amnesia arc on Alias.

ROOOOOONEY!!!

Sven-Goran Eriksson released his 23 man squad for the World Cup, with some controversy surrounding his choice of strikers. So far he's taking:

Michael Owen (New Castle United)
Wayne Rooney (Manchester Roooooney-nited)
Peter Crouch (Liverpool)
Theo Walcott (Arsenal)

Wayne Rooney most likely will be replaced due to injury, leaving Owen, Crouch, and a kid from Arsenal who's only played for England's youth teams. It even gets better, since it turns out Eriksson called him up without ever meeting him, on the basis of video tape of a couple goals he scored for the under-19s. So he's not going to see a lot of action, neither is Rooney, so not a lot of depth for Ingerland up front. One theory is he doesn't want a whole bunch of veterans competing for playing time and destroying the chemistry of the team, and would rather blood youngsters, like Brazil did with Pele in 1958, France played some young players in '98 who helped win the Euro in 2000. Also, the theory goes, if you use all 23 players, you've had so many injuries (or are otherwise in such a desperate straits that you'll try anything) that you're not going to be winning the world cup anyways. The exception that proves the rule is Aime Jacquet playing all 23 members of his squad serious minutes in '98 and then jumping up and down on Brazil in the final... but when France tried their third string playmaker in 2002, they went home early. So England won't be worse off for having Walcott be the 23rd man called up, but still, I can't even remember the last time I saw Michael Owen in a game, and I love Peter Crouch, but I'll be surprised if a guy who moves like Lurch from the Addams Family does well at the World Cup.

So in any case I'd get ready for four years of "But if Rooney had been healthy...", as once again, a twist of fate keeps England from their second trophy... in '98 it was Beckham being sent off in the 2nd round, in '02 it was Ronaldinho's "fluke" goal in the quarterfinal, in '94... oh wait, no excuse for that one. Meanwhile, in the depths of hypocrisy, I'll be crafting my "the sun was in Brian Ching's eyes, if that cloud hadn't moved when it did, the whole tournament would have been different" excuse for why the US didn't capitalize on their 52% chance* of making the second round.

*-using special Wall Street math, where 52% probability does not actually mean 52 times out of a hundred.

Vikings Draft

Going into the 2006 draft with 5 day one picks, this looked like it was going to be an exciting day. So far, by most accounts it was a little confusing and disappointing, and the guy who ran it was fired almost immediately afterwards. The consensus by the draft experts was that the Vikings drafted players earlier than they were projected, which means they left highly rated players on the board, but nobody really knows how things would have shaken out. We definitely needed a quarterback, linebackers, offensive linemen, a runningback, and here's what we got:

First Round:
Chad Greenway, Iowa linebacker
Solid but unexciting choice, he's a talented guy that fills the biggest need, bolstering pretty dismal play at linebacker the last few years.

Second Round:
Cedric Griffin, Texas cornerback
Supposedly this guy's good, and I can't remember who the Vikings are losing in the defensive backfield. Anybody who prevents returning to the horrid late 90s Twilight Zone defense is alright.

Ryan Cook, New Mexico center
Cook can play any position on the offensive line, projects to right tackle, and hopefully is enough of a beast to improve the running game, especially inside. This may have been a reach, but it doesn't seem as clear cut as say using a first round pick on Dimitrius Underwood.

Tardis Jackson, Alabama State quarterback
That's right, we traded both our third round picks to move up... but it was worth it because we got the TARDIS! The only downside on this guy is he's raw and needs to significantly improve his technique for the pros, possibly a project for several years. On the plus side, he's strong, a scrambler, accurate all over the field, can travel in time, and unlike recent Vikings franchise QBs, looks away from his intended targets. And apparently the groaning noise when he throws is made by dragging a board across piano strings.

Fourth Round:
Ray Edwards, Purdue defensive end
Apparently this guy has the talent, the size, and the speed to be making big plays, but he strangely lacks the motivation to do so. I would think the 4th round is a bit early for such a headcase, but if the guy likes the pros better than he does Purdue, we'll see what happens.

Fifth Round:
Greg Blue, Georgia safety
According to reports, this guy's a really great safety, and can play either strong or free safety, until it comes time to make a tackle, when he completely falls apart and screws up. In other words, he'll fit right in with the Vikings secondary.

Our first two picks are solid but not exciting, and our last three will live and die with the coaching staff, because they need a lot of work. This could really go either way, but it's better than all the times we took receivers whose speed was supposed to compensate for the fact that they couldn't run routes or catch. Which brings up the far more relevant question, how will last year's class improve the team now that they've had a year in the pros?

Troy Williamson is still a receiver who can't catch (at #7 overall), but Erasmus James should contribute at defensive end, and Marcus Johnson better help the offensive line. God only knows what happened to Dustin Fox, who I think got injured, and Ciatrick Fason didn't accomplish much as a short yardage back, but maybe a better line will help, but maybe he can start to block on passing plays this year. So basically last year's class helping improve the team comes down to how good Erasmus James turns out to be.

From 2004, a seasoned Kenechi Udeze (and the previously mentioned Erasmus James) could make for a much better defensive line, and maybe opposing QBs won't get the full 8 minutes to throw. Dontarrious Thomas and Darrion Scott add depth but there's not much expectation of drastic improvement, rounding out the first day picks. Apparently we traded Nat Dorsey for a center, so no help there. Mewelde Moore could make this his year to clean the cobwebs out of his head and dramatically improve the running game, since he clearly has the talent, but somehow I doubt it.

From 2003, Kevin Williams is still a force, but EJ Henderson seems unlikely to develop into the middle linebacker the team desperately needs. Nate Burleson is gone, Onterrio Smith is playing in Canada, and beyond that it's just special teams depth.

So looking back a few years, not a lot of young talent poised to have their big year, other than maybe an improved defensive line, and maybe having Greenway and actual linebacker coaches will improve a lot of the young, physically talented linebackers who haven't panned out so far, so maybe the defense will improve. The offensive line may also be better for another year together, making a more consistent offense. But really only the first round picks have been productive (mostly). So there may actually be a case for the Vikings not drafting well, I don't know, I'm just a goof in a helga hat.

And I know it says Tarvaris Jackson on his driver's license, but to me he's the Tardis, damnit.